Bill Cosby Chocolate Cake transcript

"My wife woke me up 4:00 in the morning. She said, "I want you to go downstairs and cook breakfast for the children." And I looked at the clock and I said, "Dear, it's 6:00 in the morning." She said, "Exactly. Go down and cook for the children. They have to go to school." I said, "Yes, but to eat at 6:00, isn't that bad for your stomach? I mean, they just ate twelve hours ago." My wife said, "Bill, get out of that bed and go downstairs and cook breakfast for your children!!" I said, "Well, I don't know what they want to eat." She said, "It's down there! Now you get out of the bed!" And I said, "But where are the pans? Do we have pans to cook with?" She said, "Bill, I'm not talking to you anymore! You ask another stupid question, so help me God, I'll get the shotgun out of the closet and blow your face off!!" I said, "Well, there's no need to become violent about this. You seem to be having trouble intellectualizing on where the cooking apparel is." So I fell back to sleep again. The next thing I knew, there was a bucket of ice water being shaken over my head, and this woman, that I've been married to for some 17 years, was standing over me like this. [makes angry face at audience] "Now, you get up and cook some breakfast or you're gonna wear this bucket of ice water!!!" So I said, "You're serious, aren't you?" So I got up. Needless to say, I was angry. And I went downstairs without putting on my robe. Standing there in my pajamas, and I'm talking to myself. I said, "Get these, go down and cook breakfast, but it's six o'clock in the morning," [angrily cooking breakfast] and I slam the pans down. Blam! On the stove. I slam them down and go to the refrigerator and look around and I get to the damn bacon and the sausage, cooking breakfast, six o'blam in the morning, and I grab the- you have to be careful with eggs. "God! I have to cook breakfast! Boom!!" I turn around. The first one down was the four-year-old. The child looked lovely. Cute little face, clean. Hair in little braids, little things, you know. "Good morn', Daddy." And I said, "What do you want for breakfast!?" The four-year-old has the ability to see through and find the wrong thing. The child saw through my body what was behind me. She saw the chocolate cake. She said, "Can I have the chocolate cake?" And I said, "Chocolate cake, where?" She said, "Chocolate cake behind you." And I looked... and there was chocolate cake! The child wanted chocolate cake for breakfast! How ridiculous! And I said... and someone in my brain looked under chocolate cake and saw the ingredients: eggs! Eggs are in chocolate cake! And milk! Oh goody! And wheat! That's nutrition! "What do you want?" "Can I have some chocolate cake?" "Chocolate cake coming up." [imitates slicing sound] Sliced it for her and served it. "Now, you need something to drink with the chocolate cake, something breakfast... grapefruit juice!" [Woman in audience] No-o-o! [Cosby] This is not your child! So I give the child a glass of grapefr...