Hello good evening; my name is Amanda and I am mentally ill-yep life's great...you? Before beginning, I should mention the obvious; now that you know of my illness it would be completely inappropriate to laugh at anything I say...I'll sue your ass. Wait a minute...feel free to laugh...I could really use the money.
Yep, so as I said...I am what the mental health community calls a "consumer survivor." I couldn't think of a more fitting title; you have no idea how much drugs and alcohol I have to consume in order to survive.
Let me tell you a little secret about people with mental illness that you may not know...we are fully aware that a lot of what we say and do is FUCKED...absolutely FUCKED...we just can't help ourselves.
Let me give you an example. When I was in graduate school in the psychology program nonetheless I developed a fear of socks that came from anywhere but the third aisle at Dollarama. I was absolutely convinced that unless I was wearing what I eventually deemed my "magical study socks" that I could not do any work. Even crazier was the fact that I stored my study socks in an automobile trash bin that I had attached to my desk chair. Now remember...Master's in Psychology.
In the words of my brother "phobias are fucked". Let me assure you though that mental illness is not as horrid as it may seem. Even mental illness has its perks. I try to look at my glass of booze as half full. For beginners, people with MHI's get the best drugs-I know this because I sell half the shit I'm on. Second...thanks to stigma and discrimination and all the motherfuckers out there who think that people with mental health issues are stupid and unable to help themselves, I can commit any number of crimes and get away with them. All I have to say is "I'm fucked in the head me couldn't help myself."
As you may be able to see thus far, mental illness has its perks. I would be lying if I said that having a fucked brain is all fun and games. When it comes to mental illness drug-taking is your best bet for survival. In my opinion people with mental illness who would rather be miserable when they could be high are dumb...no offense.
I don't know about you but I've tried more than I have not. I really only started getting into drugs after university when I began the mental health and addiction worker program in college. Oh the irony.
I'll admit I like drugs-but that's not why I am here. I would like to stress the importance of flaunting what you've got-even if that is a mental illness.
I'm not saying that what I have done is right...only that it was my attempt to use my assets to seek revenge on those who hate while getting my way.
The first example entails pretending I was in the mental hospital to avoid returning a library book and not paying overdue charges. I said I couldn't pay because I was in the looney bin. When asked for proof I started crying and told the librarian that I had ADHD and had lost the documentation....sizzle.
A second example happened at a walk-in-clinic where I faked an agoraphobic attack to be seen faster. Now I should mention that I do have agoraphobia but was fine on that day in particular. I was in and out of there in 10 minutes flat. I know that my behavior may seem repulsive but I feel entitled to go along with the stereotypes people have. If people are going to fuck with me watch out I'm passive aggressive.
A lot of people think that if you're mentally ill you must be dangerous; from my experience, nothing is further from the truth. I'm so passive aggressive I will be so sly that you will not even know you have been got. The worst thing I ever did was eat my roommate's cheese for pissing me off. Imagine the message "don't fuck with me or I'll eat your cheese".
On another note there is this common misconception that people who are mentally ill are lonely sad motherfuckers. This may be the case for some but not me... I have people that will talk to me...I just have to pay them 100$ an hour. Shrinks charge a lot these days.
My social life may not really exist but that has never stopped me from enjoying myself. My greatest pleasure is getting baked and watching a show called Intervention...poor bastards.
I could go on but I don't want to brag or make you jealous or anything.
Thanks for coming out tonight and laughing at me. I'll see you after the show to get your contact info so I can sue all of your asses.
