(Girl is seated at table. Guy enters, wearing Groupon shirt, carrying bag/briefcase.) Girl: Hey, thanks for meeting me.
Groupon: Of course, it sounded important, and you know I'm always here for you. Anything you need. Anything. *stares intently at girl*
Girl: (seems exasperated) Yes, yes, I know. I actually am fine though. I don't need anything. I just wanted to talk to you about something.
Groupon: I'm all ears. Speaking of ears, let me tell you about these amazing Bose headphones I can get you a deal on...
Girl: Stop! Enough with the deals! That's why I asked you to come here. I can't do this anymore.
Groupon: Do.....what....anymore?
Girl: I am unsubscribing from you Groupon. I'm done.
Groupon: I don't understand. Did I do something wrong? Can I offer you 50% off 6 weeks of couples counseling? Or maybe a rejuvenating 4-5 day stay at the bed and breakfast of your choice, of course you will only be able to choose from the 4 locales available but they are all fantastic options---
Girl: STOP. Are you kidding me? You won't leave me ALONE. 6 or 7 emails a day, minimum. Constantly trying to get me to buy these lavish beach vacations to the Caribbean, or cabin stays in the Poconos. I just need some space.
Groupon: Space? I thought you wanted someone who could be committed, who could be there for you no matter what. I was trying to be that for you! You asked me to be there for you.
Girl: I was different then. I'm not looking for the same things I was when I signed up for this.
Groupon: You can't just toss me away like I don't mean something to you, you know.
Girl: Watch me!
Groupon: Tell that to THESE (slams terms and conditions on the table)
Girl: What the hell are those?
Groupons: Terms and conditions. You are stuck with me. *smiles*
Girl: There has to be another way. I am finding a way out of this, Groupon.
Groupon: Fine. Go. See if I care. You'll never find anyone as good as me.
Girl: I seriously doubt that. You know there's dozens of sites out there just like you.
Groupon: Is that why you're leaving me?! Is there somebody else? Is it Living Social??? Oh I knew he was sneaky. Came up out of nowhere offering deals just like mine, flying low under the radar. I should have known he'd stab me right in the html code. How long? How long have you been getting deals from him?!
Girl: Groupon, relax, I'm not subscribed to Living Social. I just don't want to be subscribed to anyone right now. I'm taking some me-time to do some self reflection without the constant stress of subscriptions and coupons to use.
Groupon: I don't believe you! Why else would you want to toss me aside! Think about all the good times we had. Remember that day trip to the shooting range? Or those patterned yoga pants I got you for 78% off? How about the wine tasting, you can't forget about that! It was our....our.....our first date *starts to cry*
Girl: Please don't cry. Those were great times, they really were. I just need to move on to different things. Like not spending my entire paychecks on winery trips and yoga pants.
Groupon: What if I told you if you refer five of your friends you'd get 15 free Groupon bucks? Would you reconsider unsubscribing?
Girl: *deadpan* No.
Groupon: Okay fine, 30 Groupon bucks, but don't tell my boss.
Girl: Seriously no, I'm sure I want to unsubscribe from you, so if you could just help me do that, I'll be on my way...
Groupon: Those shoes look a little scuffed up, are you sure you don't need any shoe polish, I have loads of different show polishes I can get you some deals on! *looks in bag/briefcase*
Girl: Groupon, I don't know how many ways I can tell you this. We are done. I want out. And really, shoe polish? Why would I ever..? You are absolutely ridiculous. Please don't make me raise my voice, we're in public...
Groupon: If it's your voice you want to raise in public I can help you with that! Half off appetizers at Applebees on Karaoke Night! Limited time only!!
Girl: Honestly, if you don't stop offering me deals to things I do not need or want...
Groupon: Actually the correct phrase there would be ?need nor want.? Are you interested in after school grammar tutoring?
Girl: That's it. I'm leaving. Whatever. Keep sending me a thousand emails a day. I'll just change all of my email addresses.
-Girl exits-
Groupon is seated alone at the table. New girl walks up.
New Girl: Hi, um, I'm sorry I'm new to this whole thing, but a Facebook ad brought me here, and I think I heard something about a deal on yoga pants? Could you do that for me?
Groupon: *smiles at crowd* Why yes, I can....take a seat and we'll get you all subscribed and ready to go. *pulls out contract*
