STAKEOUT
Description: Crazy, weirdo, ex-girlfriend hiding in a tree outside ex-boyfriend's house.
(in tree) Ugg this tree is so twiggy, I mean who's ever heard of a twiggy tree? So unnatural! Ugg oh well. ( whips out phone and dials a number) Hey i'm outside his house right now, he is soooo hot! Oh and guess what? (beat/pause) i'm gonna break into his hou- (beat) oh sorry ma'am wrong number! (ends call, and dials a different number) Oh hey. I'm outside his house right now! He is soooo hot! Oh and i had a great idea i'm going to break into his house when he lea- what? (sigh) no no no, you don't need to bring your lock picking kit. I have a key! (beat) What do you mean why do I have a key? Why don't youuu have a key?.... Just wait a second, i think i see him (takes out binoculars) Oh i see him, (gasp) he's with his girlfriend and he's talking on the phone, maybe it's his mom telling him that he's too good for her and that he should dump her right now!, oh never mind he just hung up. (GASP) The bird isleavingthe nest, i repeat the bird is leaving the nest! (beat) Sigh you take all the fun out of this spy stuff i mean hes coming out side. Wait what's he doing. (gasp) HE'S COMING THIS WAY!!! (panicked) Quick i need a distraction! ( picks up keys) goodbye keys ( throws keys) (beat) Yes! I think i hit his girlfriend! (beat) He's still coming this way!! (beat) Uh oh...(falls out of tree) Ahhh!
(scrambles off the ground) Look natural, look natural Oh i have an idea,( takes marker out of pocket) huh well what do you know, the fortune cookie was right, it is useful to keep makers in you pocket.( draws mustache on finger, and puts finger under nose) There he is... Oh hey hows it going (beat) why do i have a mustache, why don't youuu have a mustache? (beat) Why am i outside your house? Why aren't youuu outside your house? Oh yeah you are....(beat) Why am i here? Well you see it's just..... she wears short skirts and I wear t-shirts, She's cheer captain and- yeah yeah yeah i know shes not, don't interrupt me i'm in the middle of a scene, and I'm on the bleachers, i've Dreaming bout the day when you'd wake up and realise That what you're looking for has been here the whole time. Been here all along. So why can't you see You belong with me.. why am i quoting Taylor Swift? I dont know! Why aren't youuu quoting Taylor Swift? (beat) What am i really doing here? Well, ummm, uhhh.... Why do you have to date her? she's so out of your league, i mean look at her lying there all deformed, and now look at me(strikes pose)..... oh that's your cousin, and she's staying with you, since her mom's in the hospital? Ohhhhh, well then, let's just pretend that this never happened, oh and while you're at it you might wanna ignore all the anonymous texts i've been sending you anonymously about how she lives under a bridge and shaves her back every day........ I've gotta go see ya! (walks past cousin on ground) Oh and by the way i am sooo sorry! i would never have thrown that key into your eye if i'd known you were his cousin, buuut on the bright side when you go to the hospital maybe you'll get a room next to your mom! Bye. (walks away) Riiiiight (turns around) my house is this way. ( walks off stage).
