A Mars Away The leader of a group of Martians who crash landed on Earth many years ago is addressing his fellow Martians about the possibility of leaving earth, where they have been living semi-freely in a military base, to return to Mars
Leader
We have grown sloppy. We have turned our back on who we are. In short we have become human. It is time for us to return to our heritage. For our race to survive we must go to a place far, far away from here
Alien 1
Are we going to London?
Leader
No not London, somewhere where the air is un-breathable to humans and the territory harsh
Alien1
Yeah, London
Leader
I'm talking about Mars. Our home planet. A planet most of you have only seen on television. It is my intention to lead this party back there. The humans have finally worked out the technology to fix our ship and if we don't leave now they will get to Mars before we do. We cannot allow this to happen. Now can I assume you're all with me?
Silence
Leader
Don't you understand if we don't go now we never will, we can't let the humans get to Mars
Alien 3
Why not? Let the humans go, I like it here
Alien 1
So do I
Leader
But this isn't our home and the longer we stay here the more we become like them
Alien 3
But this is our home. Most of us know no different. Even though I 'm not human I feel human, I think like a human, I do what humans do. Just the other day the sun came out and although it was barely above freezing I walked around topless, just because the sun was out.
Leader
Exactly my point, we've become just like them. Ok, i'll give you an example just the other day I asked Colin what he wanted and he said "to be famous". I was asking whether he wanted oven chips or wedges for his tea.
Alien 3
Yeah but Mars is rubbish, what are we going to do there? I mean some of us have got jobs
Alien 2
That's right I've got a part time job, what's going to happen to that?
Leader
Doing what?
Alien 2
I greet visitors to the Science Fiction theme park just down the road. But I get an extra ?5 a month in my pay packet as the company don't have to pay to provide me with an alien costume. And because of the company's equal opportunities policy i have my own toilet cubicle, can you match that ?
Leader
Right, so you're telling me you'd rather stay as you are , in disguise
Alien 2
No, I said I don't wear a costume
Leader
I mean that you're hiding who you are. We all are
Alien 3
No shit we're hiding. it might not have dawned on you but we don't look particularly human. And if keeping a low profile means maintaining the status quo then I can live with that . And besides if we want to go out of here more often we can just film ourselves and post it on you tube and it quickly gets debunked as a hoax and we can go about our business
Alien 1
I got 10 million hits just going out for a can of coke and social media called me a " grey" . Racist bastards.
Leader
Precisely my point, sure we are safe in this military facility and have everything we need on tap but the only days we can go out in numbers is Halloween. Do you know how difficult internet dating is when you can only go out once a year? Prisoners in solitary confinement are getting more action than us. Martin, do you remember when you got locked out and had to go up on the roof and the humans arrested you as they thought you were a Fathers for Justice protester. Well no more, on Mars we can be free to be who we want to be.
Alien 3
You say we can be who we want to be on Mars but I've seen footage of Mars, you know that little buggy that goes around taking pictures and shit and sends them back to earth. Well I don't remember seeing any offices, supermarkets or restaurants there. How are we going to build a civilisation based on rubble?
Leader
Well for a start they've found water there now
Alien 3
Water? I've got tea and coffee making facilities in my room
Alien 1
Have you? I haven't
Alien 3
Oh just ask the warden he's really helpful, he'll sort you out
Leader
Enough of this. It's time to decide whether you are with me or not. Do you want to stay here in this military compound............
Alien 3
Or go and skim stones all day
Leader
Or come with me to a new life, a new start, to continue our race free from the clutches of the humans. We've been here far too long, we've not just adopted human traits, we've adapted to them. In short we are a race without an identity
Alien 2
I've got identity
Leader
No you haven't
Alien 2
Yes I have, how do you think I get past Doreen on reception when I go to work?
Leader
I'm not talking about a plastic badge, I 'm talking about soul, heart. Something we don't have here on earth but something we can get back when we get to Mars. I won't deny it's going to be tough, we won't have electricity other than what we will have in the ship's batteries and we'll have to live a primitive life to start but we'll have 2 years to figure out how to build a new community
Alien 3
2 years?
Leader
Well technically we'll be in hyper sleep for 20 months but we'll still have 4 months to put our heads together
Alien 3
So we'll be asleep for nearly 2 years?
Leader
Well that is the norm for inter- galactic travel to Mars
Alien 3
No you're missing the point
Leader
I don't think so; I've pretty much covered everything .Unless there's something you want to add?
Alien 3
Game of Thrones?
Leader
What?
Alien 3
It was a really popular TV series in the early part of the 21st century but nearly all the copies of it were destroyed in earth's nuclear war of 2023. But we have a box set here on the base and we've only just started watching it
Leader
So what does this have to do with going to Mars?
Alien 3
Well, we want to stay here and you want us to go to Mars. I think if you're asking us to up-root ourselves and go to a planet that has no offices and more importantly no Game of Thrones, I think you could let us have this one concession
Leader
So what are you saying? If I let you watch this TV show, you'll all come with me to Mars
Alien 3
Can you give us a few minutes to confer as a group?
Leader
Take as long as you need
The group relocate to a huddle in the far corner of the room, after 5 minutes of debate Alien 3 asks a question
Alien 3
And we definitely won't leave earth until we've seen Game of Thrones
Leader
If that's the only condition for going then I'm happy to go along with it
Alien 3
But do you give a guarantee?
Leadership
Yes I give a guarantee, so what's your answer?
The Martians break from their huddle and return to the centre of the room
Alien 3
Ok, we're all agreed. And our decision is to come with you to Mars
Leader
Excellent I shall prepare everything, we leave tomorrow
Alien 3
Yeah I wouldn't be in a hurry to leave just yet
Leader
Why's that?
Alien 3
Well each DVD of Game of Throne emits a low level of radiation, what with it surviving a nuclear blast and all
Leader
So?
Alien 3
So it means we can only watch 1 episode a week and there's 10 episodes in a season
Leader
OK, well we'll leave in 10 weeks
Alien 3
Yeah but that's only the first season done
Leader
Well how many seasons are there?
Alien 3
Ten
Leader
Ten seasons? That's ......err..........that's 100 weeks! That's 2 years! What am I going to do in that time?
Alien 3
Well there is one thing you can do in that time
Leader
What's that?
Alien 3
Check the hyper sleep works
