Jonathan Dimbleby: Let's have our first question, please, from Mr Laurie Driver, of Dover.
Mr Laurie Driver: Will there be a Christmas this year?
Jonathan Dimbleby: Simple enough question. Will there be a Christmas this year? Let's start with, er, you, Mr Pie, the Village Butcher.
Mr Pie: Yes, of course there will be a Christmas this year. It's only reasonable to expect all the cows, ducks, chickens, turkeys and geese who are still alive in the middle of December to make the contribution which we are going to exact from them--
Turkey: (Unintelligible yelling.)
Jonathan Dimbleby: You with the wing up... Wait a moment while we get a microphone to you.
Turkey, in tears: How am I expected to survive? When I watched the interview Mr Pie a few weeks ago he absolutely assured me that there was going to be no Christmas this year, so I voted for him!
Mr Pie guffaws with laughter.
Turkey, in even more tears: I have two young chicks and if there's a Christmas this year I can't imagine what will happen to them.
Jonathan Dimpleby: I can.
Audience laughs.
Mr Pie: Look, Turkey, I know I said that there wouldn't be a Christmas this year, but I was lying. My first name is Porky, you know. Like it or not, there is going to be a Christmas this year and neither I nor my rich friends in the meat production industry are going to do anything to stop it.
Jonathan Dimbleby: You (to Turkey) actually voted for Mr Pie?
Turkey: He said there wouldn't be a Christmas this year. I saw him say it with my own television. And I voted for him.
Jonathan Dimbleby: Well, you're a fucking idiot, aren't you.
Turkey: I believed him! Now my entire way of life is threatened.
Jonathan Dimbleby: A complete turkey. What do you think, Mr Timeserver, from the Labour party?
Mr Timeserver: There should be Christmas this year, of course, but Mr Pie is cutting too many and too early. Christmas should be on the 27th of December instead of the 25th. And quite honestly Mr Pie shouldn't be cutting any turkeys at all...
Turkey: Gulp!
Mr Timeserver, continues: ...my friends and I should be cutting them instead.
