I took a Bruce Lee interview with Pierre Berton (circa 1973) and exaggerated it. From his mannerisms, tone, famous phrases and quotes, all the way down to his iconic idiosyncrasies/poses; everything has been "flexed." Not to mention, he's a little tipsy. Pierre Berton is there to lend us his amusement, confusion and occasional moments of ill-tempered outburst.
INT - TALK SHOW SET - DAY
Pierre Berton's talk show. The host, Pierre Berton, sits at
his table (waiting to interview Bruce lee) dressed in
suspenders, a bow-tie, and a sport coat. Complimenting his
attire, is his cropped, balding, wavy white hair.
PIERRE BERTON
Bruce Lee faces a real dilemma. He
has a T.V show on the horizon in
Hollywood, and is a superstar in
Hong Kong. This is quite the
problem most actors could only
dream of having.
As Pierre Berton patiently waits, in walks a cocky, but
slightly, suspiciously tipsy looking Bruce lee, dressed in
bell-bottoms and a white tank top, with a leather jacket
draped over his shoulder. He takes a seat.
PIERRE BERTON
Mr.Lee, it's nice to have you.
And I thank you for coming on
my show today. Can I call you
Bruce, or should I call you
Mr.Lee?
BRUCE LEE
(smiling while laughing
softly)
You see...Mr. Berton; I don't mean
to sound like "Confucius Say," but
I'm a human being first, like
everyone else. Above no one! So
call me Human. Or Being, or
Human-Lee-or-Bruce-Being-or-Hue-Be-
yeah!-that-rhymes-with-Bruce-Lee-wh
o's-me-call-me-Hue-Be!
PIERRE BERTON
(Amuzed and slightly
sarcastic)
Hue; Be. Hmm, ok Mr.One World
Philosophy. Seeing that that is
what you studied in school and all,
I'll call you Hue Be, who seems to
have a natural affinity for
rhyming?
HUE BE
Ah yes, my friend. To rhyme is
to find, the line through
one's mind.
PIERRE BERTON
What Hue Be? What does that
mean?
HUE BE
(Stands up fast without
realizing, flexes his lat
muscles, says 'bat wings,' and
quickly sits back down)
Ah, nothing my friend. Continue.
PIERRE BURTON
(Dumbfounded)
I'm not even gonna ask what any of
that was about. So tell me, Hue;
you're a Chinese actor who doesn't
even speak Mandarin. How does that
work for you?
HUE BE
You see Paul-I-mean-Pierre; I
don't speak Mandarin, but I do
speak Cantonese. Either way,
at the end of day, it doesn?t
matter what I say, in what
language or way, as long as I
understand the meaning of the
words when I play, out my role
is what's ok, so I don't leave
anyone in dismay. If you
understand what I?m saying
then say hooray. Come on say
it, feel it. Hh,hoor,ay.
HOORAY!
PIERRE BERTON
...Hooray?
HUE BE
Ah, yes my friend!
PIERRE BERTON
Anyway. I'd like to ask you about
some of your own personal
philosophy that you've created. But
first I'd like to offer you some
water, because you seem a bit
(makes quote gestures), "spacey."
Maybe you're a little dehydrated.
HUE BE
Ah yes my friend! WATAAA! I'll
tell you about my
philos-but-first...
Hue Be frantically chugs the whole cup of water.
HUE BE
Ah yes! I'm wata again!
PIERRE BERTON
(Amused)
Take your time Hue.
HUE BE
(rambling)
Oh yes-you-see, wata is formless
and shapeless. When you put it in a
cup it becomes the cup when you put
it in a tea-pot it becomes the
tea-pot when you put it in a bong
it becomes a filter when the cops
come and you pour it in a toilet
with poo it flushes to look like
Yoohoo or something like it because
it's got the same amount nutrients
as that stuff you Americans feed
your kids these days anyway right?
PIERRE BERTON
Well yes my son does drink
poo-I-mean-Yoohoo, and I
suppose he could lose a few
uh, enough of this
flibbertigibbet! We have to go
to a commercial break soon;
what was your point about
water?
HUE BE
Ah, yes. Be wata; my friend.
PIERRE BERTON
(Hasty)
Ok so Martial Arts tell us what
that means?
HUE BE
...See, ok to me, ok. Martial
Art to me, ok, means ok,
honestly expressing yourself
through physical combat. I
don?t mean to be too
philosophical, but it?s the
act of un-acting when you act
out something unnatural
through an act that you make
natural to the point that you
can call upon and perform this
act at any natural time, so
that it?s not an act.
PIERRE BERTON
(Confused and skeptical)
So can you call upon this act right
now and show us what it means to
take an unnatural act, and act it
out naturally?
HUE BE
If you don?t want me to act. Or do
you want me to act?
PIERRE BERTON
Oh fiddle-sticks-and-popcorn Hue!
No I don?t want you to act! I want
you to take all this philosophical
voodoo yoohoo and show me how you
use it to give people booboos! Oh
Shit! Now I?m rhyming! Just show me
how you punch!
HUE BE
I?m in your head my friend.
You?re learning.
PIERRE BERTON
(Mumbles under his breath as
he takes a sip of water)
Whatever no you?re not.
Though Hue is completely relaxed and preparing to show
Pierre how to throw a punch, the atmosphere on the set is a
little tense due to Hue's apparent inebriation along with
Pierre's short temper.
HUE BE
You must understand something.
If you want your body to
honestly perform a punch, then
buddy, you gotta train every
muscle in your body. Your
arms, stomach, back, chest,
and even put your foot in
mouth, through exercise, so it
all combines into one unified
punch.
PIERRE BERTON
(Laughing)
Hue, did you just say put your foot
in mouth?
HUE BE
No! I said foot and mouth foot
and mouth!
PIERRE BERTON
Ok. I thought I heard you say foot
in mouth, ?cause it sure sounds
like you?re putting your foot in
your mouth right now, with all this
?talk? of yours. You know what I
mean?
HUE BE
(Sarcastic)
Yes Bert I know what you mean but
as you can clearly see, my foot
isn?t in my mouth right now. But I
can put it in there. Wanna See?!
PIERRE BERTON
(Anxiously shaking his head)
No no no Hue. Show us your punch.
HUE BE
(Stands up)
Once your body is trained and all
your movements have combined to
become one, you have to harness all
that within your core and thrust
forward your fist while breathing
out at the same time.
As Pierre leans forward, his elbows on the studio table
watching in amazement, he forgets that Bruce is still a
little tipsy and losing his balance.
HUE BE
(Still in action)
I?d show you the way of the
intercepting fist Bert, but
I?m a little?
With Pierre leaning forward, Hue looses his balance while
throwing a punch and connects with Pierre's unsuspecting
face, knocking him out cold.
HUE BE
(Stunned; he turns to the
camera smiling)
?We?re going to take a quick
commercial break, until Bert comes
out of his worthless state.
Hue performs his ?bat wings? tic again, then sits down to
take a sip of Pierre?s water.
HUE BE
Ah, wata!
FADE OUT?
