Ring
Carolyn: ?Thank you for calling. How may I pray for you today?
Male Caller: ?I don?t have health insurance and I cannot afford to go to the doctor. Will you pray for me during my ? illness??
Carolyn: ?Oh sweetness. We will most certainly pray for you. I hope it?s not serious.?
Male Caller: ?No. I have a rash on ? well, It?s near my. It?s at the top of my legs. I have tried home remedies and it seems to be getting worse. The itch is just miserable.?
Carolyn: ?Umm. Umm. Well, I?m not a doctor but - is it a rash like an inflammation or little blisters.?
Male Caller: (a little puzzled) ?A rash. I get this every year when the weather gets hot.?
Carolyn: (embarrassed) ?Thanks for calling. Remember Jesus loves you and Carolyn cares.?
Ring
Carolyn: ?Thank you for calling. How may I pray for you today?
Male Caller: ?Carolyn please ask the prayer circle pray for me. I have trouble controlling my temper. Excuse me just a second. (Screaming) I said get down. I am not going to tell you again. Get your little fuzzy butt off the couch or I am going to show you ? Sorry, uhh like I was saying I get so angry sometimes.?
Carolyn: ?That?s ok sweetie. You were very polite to ask me to hold on and you did cover the phone to protect my ears. If you don?t mind if I ask, why are you so angry??
Male Caller: ?I try to control myself but she just makes me crazy. Excuse me. (Screaming) What is wrong with you? Who behaves that way!? Sorry Carolyn. I?m sorry you have to hear that.?
Carolyn: ?I am concerned about you. Is your wife provoking you? I cannot imagine someone having that kind of outburst without reason.?
Male Caller: (Upset) ?My wife? Lady I?m mad at the cat she keeps peeing on the couch.?
Carolyn: (embarrassed) ?Thanks for calling. Remember Jesus loves you and Carolyn cares.?
Ring
Carolyn: ?Thank you for calling. How may I pray for you today?
Female Caller: ?Carolyn. I need prayer.?
Carolyn: ?Oh dear child. What?s the matter.?
Female Caller: (Panting for breath) ?I just broke the windshield out of my boyfriend?s car with an umbrella.?
Carolyn: ?Violence is never the answer. Anger is just a response to something deeper inside us. What is bothering you sweetie??
Female Caller: ?I saw his car at the golf course and there was a woman?s handbag in the passenger?s seat. I just lost it. I just lost it.?
Carolyn: ?I knew when they opened that rehab place next to the golf course there was going to be trouble. This is the fourth call I?ve gotten like this today. Thanks for calling. Remember Jesus loves you and Carolyn cares.?
Ring
Carolyn: ?Thank you for calling. How may I pray for you today?
Female Caller: ?Uhh, I have impure thoughts about my neighbor?s son. He just turned 18 and when he mows the yard sometimes he takes his shirt off. I wander out to the porch??
Carolyn: ?Loretta you aren?t fooling anybody. Get back in the house!?
Ring
Carolyn: ?How may I pray for you today??
Male Caller Raising His Voice: ?Yes, next week I am going in for some surgery and I hope you and the prayer circle will remember me.?
Carolyn: ?Oh, dear surgery can be a scary thing. I am sorry to hear you have been ill.?
Male Caller Raising His Voice: Oh, well, I?m not exactly ill. It?s a uhh, a repair of sorts.?
Carolyn: ?I?ve known several people who have done very well with hernia repair or fallen bladder, that?s a serious condition for a woman following hysterectomy.?
Male Caller Raising His Voice: ?Uhh this is more of a genetic repair.?
Carolyn: (Big Eyed) What? Rosco Johnson I have seen you sulking around in your Mama?s bath robe. You aint fooling nobody! I?ve never seen a mechanic wearing scuffs. Seek salvation!?
Carolyn: ?Help me Jesus hotline. This is Carolyn. How may I pray for you today??
Caller: ?Carolyn this is??
Carolyn: ?Please honey, no names.?
Caller: ?Ok. I am worried about my marriage. My husband has been working a lot of overtime and we don?t get to see one another very much and I just worry that I am losing him.?
Carolyn: ?Well sometimes the affairs of the heart are the hardest to deal with.?
Caller: ?He leaves early and stays out all night. Sometimes he gets cleaned up, aftershave, cowboy boots and says we are going out but then he gets a call and has to go to work.?
Carolyn: ?Well sometimes when you?re in charge of things that can happen.?
Caller: ?Oh no. He?s a self-employed mechanic.?
Carolyn: ?I see. Tell me honey,? (pulls a set of field glasses from behind her back.) ?Does he drive a red Camero??
Caller: ?Why, yes he does.?
Carolyn: ?Tell me sweetie, is he bringing home any extra money??
Caller: ?Why, no actually we seem to have less and less.?
Carolyn: (Again with the field glasses) ?Does his license tag say S-T-U-D??
Caller: ?Yes?
Carolyn: (Peering) ?And does he have a thing for 18 year old blondes?
Caller: ?What??
Carolyn: ?Honey you don?t need prayer you need a drive by. Your man has been hanging out at the gin joint across the street.?
Caller: ?He what!? Why that dirty??
Carolyn: ?Thanks for calling, and remember, Jesus loves you and Carolyn cares.?
(Carolyn quickly dials her phone.) Carolyn: ?Evelyn this is Carolyn get your lawn chair and come over quick. Fred and Gladis? girl is about to catch that ?big Johnson boy? all hugged up with some flopsy woman at the gin joint.?
Evelyn: ?How do you know that??
Carolyn: ?Let?s just say that some prayers are best answered with a ball bat.?
OPTION 2
Carolyn: ?Help me Jesus hotline. This is Carolyn. How may I pray for you today??
Caller: ?Carolyn this is??
Carolyn: ?Please honey, no names.?
Caller: ?Ok. I am worried about my marriage. My husband has been working a lot of overtime and we don?t get to see one another very much and I just worry that I am losing him.?
Carolyn: ?Well darling we will just take our worries to the Lord. A good husband tries hard to provide for his family.?
Caller: ?That?s just it. We have less money now and I?m starting to think maybe he?s got a girlfriend. He leaves early and stays out all night. He?s started wearing aftershave and cowboy boots.?
Carolyn: ?Cowboy boots? Oh no not the boots. That?s a bad sign honey ? a really bad sign.?
Caller: ?I?m at my wit?s end. We?ve got seven children.?
Carolyn: ?Oh honey do you all not do anything just for fun? Oh my and now he?s out in cowboy boots and leaving you home with the children. That is just horrible. I would never gossip but here are a few things the prayer circle has been praying about: He?s been spotted at three different hotels this month. He prefers brunettes but has been seen with a blonde a red hair and a set of conjoined twins. He always orders draft beer and sings karaoke to anything by Kenny Chesney. He lost his job last month for coming in late and as of Tuesday he had just over $100 in the bank.?
Caller: gasping for breath, ?That dirty, no good, low-down??
Carolyn: ?Sweetie, the word tells us that to be sure your sins will find you out and now you have found him out.?
Caller: ?If I knew where to find that??
Carolyn: ?Oh, he?s at Barney?s Bar & Grill honey it?s two for one happy hour until five. You take care now and remember, Jesus loves you and Carolyn cares.?
Carolyn hits speed dial. ?Pull back the lacey sheers ladies we?ve got a backslid husband who will be lucky if he?s left with his rod or his staff.? (Pulls out a pair of binoculars to look out the window.)
