Death Takes Brucie

FADE IN:
INT. MEETING ROOM--DAY
An INSTRUCTOR stands at the front of the room reading from a binder. Five or six people sit around a table. All of the people, including the instructor, are in various stages of "zoning out," due to boredom. One man, BRUCE LANSBURY, holds a piece of paper in front of him, It reads, HELP ME, in black marker.
INSTRUCTOR
And so, our goal is to be one of the top five in the nation...
The instructor stops speaking as a hooded figure enters through the door near the front. It is a figure in black. Though they don't know it yet, the stranger is DEATH. Everyone in the room, including the instructor, perks up at the sight of DEATH. DEATH scans the room, and pulls out a piece of paper.
DEATH
I am Death!
ALL
(happily)
Yes, yes!
MAN 1
Yes! I knew one day he'd finally come and rescue me!
MAN 2
I knew it!
WOMAN
Pick me! Pick me!
Pandemonium reigns for a moment, as the workers vie for what they perceive as rescue from the mind-numbing meeting. Death holds up one hand. Silence falls once again.
DEATH
I am here for...Bruce Lansbury.
ALL EXCEPT BRUCE
No!
Bruce rises from his seat and pumps his arms in jubilation.
BRUCE
Yes, yes! In your face, suckers!
DEATH
I'd like to speak with Bruce for a moment--alone.
INSTRUCTOR
I guess now's as good a time as any for a break.
The class files slowly out the same door Death recently entered. When Death and Bruce are alone, Death gestures to Bruce's chair. Bruce sits. Death sits beside him.
DEATH
Bruce, before we go, I'm required to counsel you.
BRUCE
Wow! I didn't realize we got death counseling, too! But to be honest with you, what I'd really like is a doughnut. You don't have any doughnuts under that outfit, do you?
DEATH
No.
Then Death's voice changes. It becomes less deep.
DEATH
Oh, heck! I'm so tired of this hood thing. I'm just going to take it off. It shouldn't matter much, since you're soon-to-be-dead, and all.
Death pulls back his hood, and his face is revealed.
BRUCE
Why, you look just like a regular guy!
DEATH
A guy, yes. Regular, no. In fact, I just got a promotion. Head death guy, and all that. Best dental plan around. Nothing better, here or the hereafter.
BRUCE
(frustrated)
I knew it! Everyone's got a better dental plan than we've got! How do I get a job like yours?
DEATH
Look on the Internet.
BRUCE
You advertise on the Internet?
DEATH
Doesn't everyone? Now Bruce, we don't have much time. Do you need to cry, scream, or rant about the unfairness of it all?
BRUCE
I don't need to do any of that.
DEATH
(surprised)
You don't?
BRUCE
Nope--I won't miss a bit of this place. The endless, mind-numbing meetings, the cattiness, the useless, pointless projects! That's not mentioning the kissing up! We have some people here who'd run a mile to kiss the cheeks of anybody whose name was followed by "President" or "V.P."
DEATH
I know.
BRUCE
(shocked)
How do you know?
DEATH
I had to come to this same place a year or two ago. Can't remember that guy's name, but he liked to wear short-sleeved shirts. Dentley? Bentley?
BRUCE
Birkley?
DEATH
Yeah, that's him. Death by kiss-up. Worst case I ever saw. Saw a higher-up come in the room and tried to jump a table to get to him. Ugly scene.
BRUCE
I remember that! The coroner took a long time to come get him, so we were just stepping over him! I'll never forget his face, frozen in that permanent pucker!
DEATH
Ghastly! But back to you, Bruce. You don't have anyone you want to visit, no flashbacks of your life, nothing at all?
BRUCE
Well, after I die, can I come back and fog up some mirrors in the men's rooms and write menacing messages on them?
DEATH
No.
BRUCE
Can I at least run though the building and moon everybody before we go?
DEATH
No!
BRUCE
You're no fun! I'd still like a doughnut. I know you've got one. What's the use in having the power of death if you can't even get a glazed? Please, please, please!
DEATH
Oh, all right!
Death reaches under his outfit and pulls out a doughnut and gives it to Bruce.
BRUCE
I knew it! I knew you had a doughnut I'm an office worker; you can't hide a doughnut from me! But, come to think of it, I don't know if I want it now. I don't know where it's been.
DEATH
What are you worried about, catching cooties? You're dying anyway! Keep it! Eat it! Throw it away! It's time we go.
Death pulls up his hood. His face is covered once again. Death and Bruce rise from their chairs and head for the door. Before they walk through, Bruce grabs the Reaper's sleeve.
BRUCE
Tell me, is Heaven like a tropical island with no meetings or cell phones?
DEATH
Who said anything about Heaven?
FADE OUT: