INT. OFFICE ROOM - DAY
JOHN Q. EVERYMAN IS WORKING LATE. HE'S GOT A BIG PROJECT
THAT'S DUE TOMORROW. IN ORDER TO HELP STIMULATE HIS MIND, HE PUTS SOME MUSIC ON AND PUTS ON HIS HEADPHONES. AS SOON AS HE DOES, HE DIES MYSTERIOUSLY.
INT. OLIVIA'S OFFICE - LATER
OLIVIA'S CELL PHONE RINGS.
OLIVIA
This is agent Dunham.
AGENT FRANCIS
Dunham, we've got a strange and
mysterious case on our hands.
OLIVIA
Another one? Strange that this
keeps happening in such regular
timing...
FRANCIS
How could it be strange? We
already established that these
spooky occurrences are happening
because of a vaguely unifying
conspiracy theory.
OLIVIA
Right, I forgot we're on a J.J.
Abrams show.
FRANCIS
Make your way over to 2583
Dilpenny Street.
INT. CRIME SCENE - LATER
PETER BISHOP
Well, from the looks of it, this
guy's face was cut off by a pair
of pinking shears.
OLIVIA
Who could possibly want to do that
to someone else?
PETER BISHOP
I used to know a guy who made his
girlfriend's handbags that way.
OLIVIA
You can't be serious.
PETER BISHOP
Want a handbag?
DR. BISHOP LOOKS AT THE BODY ON THE GROUND.
DR. BISHOP
Scientifically, that's improbable.
Pinking shears couldn't cause this
molecular of damage.
FRANCIS
How could you possibly know that?
You've only just glanced at the body.
DR. BISHOP
Back before I was
institutionalized, I was hired by
the government to do extensive
research on "cutting edge"
technology on weaponizing pinking
shears for the Army.
FRANCIS
Wow, the government really hired
you for everything, huh?
DR. BISHOP
Did you get it? "Cutting edge"
technology?
THERE IS AN AWKWARD PAUSE
FRANCIS
Yes. I get it.
DR. BISHOP
Because pinking shears are used
for cutting things.
FRANCIS
Yes, yes. But how did-
DR. BISHOP
And I said cutting edge.
FRANCIS
(shouting)
I KNOW!
DR. BISHOP
I could go for a bowl of soup.
FRANCIS
You mother f-
OLIVIA
(interrupting)
What kind of soup do you want,
Walter?
DR. BISHOP
A ham sandwich.
HARVARD UNIVERSITY - DR. BISHOP'S LAB - LATER
DR. BISHOP
You know, Peter, when you were a
boy, you used to love malts and
sock hops.
PETER BISHOP
Walter, that was you.
DR. BISHOP
You know, son, you'd be a horrible
improvisational comedian.
PETER BISHOP
Dad, they don't even have sock
hops anymore. Those weren't even
around when I was a kid.
DR. BISHOP
Perhaps you're right, Peter.
OLIVIA ENTERS THE LAB WITH A HAM SANDWICH.
OLIVIA
Here's your sandwich, Walter.
DR. BISHOP
I specifically asked for split pea
soup!
PETER BISHOP
Now who's the bad improv comic?
DR. BISHOP
No matter, the experiment is about
to begin.
OLIVIA
What sort of experiment?
PETER BISHOP
The one where Walter takes a
complex scientific theory and
breaks it down into
condescendingly lay terms, usually
using toys or food.
ASTRID
Seriously, what is the writing
staff's obsession with food?
OLIVIA
Where did you even come from?
ASTRID
I'm the show's black character.
OLIVIA
But I thought we already had
Broyles for that.
ASTRID
Philip Broyles is the show's
administrative black person, to
demonstrate that the glass ceiling
for African Americans has been
shattered.
OLIVIA
And that makes you...
ASTRID
I'm here to demonstrate that white
people shouldn't be afraid of
African Americans; we're just like
you on the inside.
OLIVIA RELEASES THE DEATH GRIP SHE HAD ON HER PURSE
INT. VICTIM'S HOUSE - EVENING
OLIVIA
Can you think of any reason
someone would want to hurt your
husband?
WIFE
You mean besides making a hand bag
out of his face skin?
OLIVIA
Oh, my God! Who seriously does
that?
WIFE
It's a big thing in Zambia.
Besides, my husband had very soft
face skin. Why do you think I
married him?
INT. HOTEL - DR. BISHOP'S ROOM - NIGHT
DR. BISHOP IS LAYING IN BED, HOLDING A COPY OF THE SCIENCE
JOURNAL. IT IS UPSIDE-DOWN.
PETER ENTERS.
THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER AWKWARDLY FOR SEVERAL SECONDS.
PETER BISHOP
You know, Walter, there were times
in my childhood when I-
DR. BISHOP
I can't read this when you're
talking at me, son.
PETER BISHOP
That's exactly what I'm trying to
get at. You seem so-
DR. BISHOP
When I was a boy, we used to shoot
at empty bottles with BB guns.
PETER BISHOP
I can't even carry on a convers-
DR. BISHOP
Stick Ball!
PETER LEAVES.
EXT. ROOFTOP - DAWN
GOON
So, why are we up here again,
boss?
AMBIGUOUS VILLAIN
We're here to make a sale of a
military-grade science weapon of
the future!
GOON
But I thought we were developing
an untraceable computer virus.
AMBIGUOUS VILLAIN
No, no, no, you dimwit! that was
in the last episode!
GOON
So, we've moved on completely?
AMBIGUOUS VILLAIN
Yes.
GOON
Just given up on the computer
thing entirely?
AMBIGUOUS VILLAIN
Yes, yes!
THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE. THE GOON SCRATCHES HIS HEAD. THE AMBIGUOUS VILLAIN READJUSTS HIS SUNGLASSES
.
GOON
No more computer virus, then?
AMBIGUOUS VILLAIN
I'll kill you.
INT. DR. BISHOP'S LAB - LATER
OLIVIA
This is horrible! We're running
out of time and we have absolutely
no leads!
PETER BISHOP
I'm telling you, it was probably
done for the face skin handbags.
OLIVIA
I swear to God, if someone
mentions the handbags one more
time...
ASTRID
Perhaps I should apply my skills I
learned when I majored in Criminal
Justice at college.
OLIVIA
Didn't you major in Linguistics?
ASTRID
My scholastic interests vary by
episode, based on the skill set
needed to help solve the case.
OLIVIA
Look, let's just take the easy way
out...again.
DR. BISHOP AND PETER BISHOP HOOK OLIVIA INTO THE
NPOASNVPACWQIJG DEVICE.
ASTRID
What's this machine for again?
DR. BISHOP
It will allow agent Dunham to
connect with her dead ex-lover's
thoughts that got stored in her
subconscious when they were both
hooked up to the device.
ASTRID
And how does that work, exactly?
DR. BISHOP
Through a complex scientific
process of-
PETER BISHOP
Magic.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - OLIVIA'S SUBCONSCIOUS - SECONDS LATER
OLIVIA
I'm in a hotel room. John Scott is
here.
DR. BISHOP
(as a disembodied voice)
Interesting.
OLIVIA
What's interesting about it?
DR. BISHOP
(as a disembodied voice)
He's got two first names. What
else do you see?
OLIVIA
Nothing. Just John sitting on the
bed. Oh, Jesus!
DR. BISHOP
What's happening now, Olivia.
OLIVIA
He's masturbating to the intro of
Lost!
DR. BISHOP
Focus, agent Dunham. What else do
you see?
OLIVIA
He's wearing giant headphones!
DR. BISHOP
I think we have what we need to
solve this case.
DR. BISHOP AND PETER BISHOP PULL OLIVIA OUT OF THE DEVICE.
INT. DR. BISHOP'S LAB - SECONDS LATER
OLIVIA
How does my dead ex-lover
masturbating while wearing
headphones pertain to this case at
all?
DR. BISHOP
Well, if we go to the top of this
script, we see that the victim was
wearing headphones. I theorize
that someone used sound waves to
detach the victim's face from his
body.
OLIVIA
But that doesn't even make any
fucking sense!
PETER BISHOP
Neither does anything else in this
show.
EXT. ROOFTOP - LATER
AN FBI TEAM SURROUNDS THE AMBIGUOUS VILLAIN AND THE GOON.
AGENT FRANCIS
Freeze! We've got you surrounded.
GOON
What are we going to do now, boss?
AMBIGUOUS VILLAIN
No worries, this is all a part of
the bigger picture.
INT. UNREMARKABLE CRIME LAIR - MEANWHILE
AN EVEN MORE AMBIGUOUS VILLAIN IS WATCHING ON A MONITOR AS
THE AMBIGUOUS VILLAIN AND THE GOON ARE ARRESTED BY THE FBI.
EVEN MORE AMBIGUOUS VILLAIN
Good, good.
HE RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER.
