Policeman: We believe you have been riding a bicycle without lights, Mr. Fish.
Mr. Fish: I deny it absolutely!
Policeman: There's no point denying it, sir. The Centre for Forensic Electronics says they found no sign of batteries being recharged on the day before the night in question.
Mr. Fish: I charged the batteries at my sister's house only last Tuesday.
Policeman: Last Tuesday? (looks at I-Phone) your sister was away all day.
Mr. Fish: I gave her my bike lamp at ten in the morning and it was ready at four in the afternoon.
Policeman: Are you quite sure of that, sir?
Mr. Fish: Absolutely.
Policeman: Because your sister didn't use any electricity for cooking and heating all day. She didn't turn the television on for Emmerdale Farm and she didn't turn any lights on until midday the following day.
Mr. Fish: All right, I admit it. You got me bang to rights.
Policeman: In that case, I arrest you for riding a bicycle without li-- What's that over there?
Mr. Fish: That's one of the government's new pig bins.
Pig: Yummy!
Band strikes up the obvious tune.
Pig: (Sings)
I was only in that pig-sty 'cos I didn't have a choice
But I saw that Mrs Spelman in her government Rolls Royce.
"I'm the Minister for Rubbish, there's no pigs allowed in here,
I'm making an announcement and it's what you want to hear.
We're going to collect uneaten vegetables and meat,
And we're going to put back pig bins on the street."
There'll soon be:
Pig bins everywhere, man.
Pig bins everywhere, man.
You take your food scraps there, man.
That's how I know you care, man.
I always get my share, man,
From pig bins everywhere.
They're full of:
Kippers, sizzlers, twizzlers, oranges,
Brussels, mussels, lentils, porridges,
Nachos, tomatoes, gateaux, fillet steak,
Coffee, toffee, banoffee, fruit cake,
Sweet corns, cream horns, croissants, Shredded Wheat,
Sushi, tutti frutti, potted meat.
Pig bins everywhere, man.
Pig bins everywhere, man.
You know exactly where, man.
You leave my dinner there, man.
There's breadcrumbs in my hair, man,
From pig bins everywhere.
Especially:
Bread rolls, Swiss rolls, profiteroles, piccalilli,
Boiled eggs, frogs' legs, bicky-pegs, hot chili,
Sarsaparilla, vanilla, tortilla, Irn Bru,
Fish and chips, sherbet dips, orange pips, Irish stew,
Ice cream, sour cream, fried bream, smoked salmon,
Steak pie, scotch and rye, spiced chai, toast with jam on.
Pig bins everywhere, man.
Pig bins everywhere, man.
Arrange your scraps with flair, man.
My trough is full of fare, man.
Just cart them to my lair, man,
From pig bins everywhere.
I'm fond of:
Beetroot, arrowroot, top fruit, canelloni,
Sliced spam, strawberry jam, boiled ham, mascarpone,
Custard, mustard, bustard, lollipops,
Horsemeat, forcemeat, boiled sweets, mutton chops,
Wagon wheels, jellied eels, candied peel, licquorice,
Fried rice, custard slice, allspice, steamed fish.
Pig bins everywhere, man.
Pig bins everywhere, man.
Cook your scraps with flair, man.
My meals are big and square, man.
I always get my share, man,
From pig bins everywhere.
I've tasted:
Margarine, tangerines, spring greens, marmalade,
Pancakes, fish cakes, cornflakes, lemonade,
Mars bars, lobstars, oystars, sea trout,
Tuna, bhuna, polenta, brussels sprouts,
Kit Kat, butter pat, goose fat, pink blancmange,
Dumplings, pumpkins, mandarins, chocolate sponge.
Pig bins everywhere, man.
Pig bins everywhere, man.
My diet is hard to bear, man.
I can't live on fresh air, man,
An apple or a pear, man.
From pig bins everywhere.
