Chapel Script
Nico: Hey everybody, welcome to….
Zach: I'll take it from here. RELATIVES FEUD, which as of March 13th has no relation to a gameshow that could be seen as similar known as family feud, thanks to a @#$#$ second class attorney!
Nico: First off, let’s meet the families! Thompgun and Jockson!
Zach: its Thompson and Johnson. Then again, when you can count your IQ with one hand, what do you expect?
Nico: Huh?
Zach: Never mind. Anyways, on the Thompson family we have David, Karen, Xander, Sophia and Josephine. And on the Johnson family, we have Yuya, Betty Elizabeth, Tiffany, Benjamin, and Annabelle. Hip hip hooray. (Nico claps enthusiastically while Zach slowly claps his hands together as the family’s enter onto the stage.)
Nico: Well everybody, let’s rumble! Remember the rules. The first person to hit the buzzer gets to answer the question! And Zach, you get to answer the first question! Zach….? (Zach has brought in a pillow and is now snoring)
Zach: Wait… what? Oh yeah, question time. What is the largest Desert in the world? Antarctica, Sahara, or Figi?
Matthew: (Hit’s buzzer) Well, Fiji is a country, and Antarctica is super cold, so it has to be The Sahara Desert!!!
Nico: Sorry little guy, the definition for Desert is a dry, barren area of land, which means Antarctica qualifies.
Zach: Sometimes I wish you were in Antarctica.
Nico: Wait a second!…. Never mind. The next question is: what mineral is resting on the surface of Mars?
Xander: (Hit’s buzzer) Rusting iron! That’s on my high school final exam!
Nico: Correcto!!! You’re a smart one.
Zach: (Points to Nico) Nico knows this stuff really well, considering he studies his birth place.
Nico: (says in voice suggesting payback for insult above) Zach, remember that time when we were at that party-
Zach: Next question please! (Says in loud voice) Which animal has the most neck bones? Giraffes, Bradypus sloth or Camel?
Austin: Ummm……. Bradypus sloth? (Other people in the family scold him, saying stuff like: “It’s giraffe, not sloth!”
Zach:Believe it or not, he's actually correct.
Nico: here's a tough one. Which animal can live up to two years without eating?
Jocelyn: Yay! I actually know this one!
Zach: There's something you don’t hear every day.
Jocelyn: What did you say?
Zach: Nothing.
Jocelyn: Oh.. ok. Anyways, the answer is Tarantula!
Nico: Wait, there’s an animal that can go 2 years without eating? I can’t go two seconds without eating! (Pulls out Banana, and starts munching on it)
Zach: That explains the belly… Anyways, it’s your turn to ask the question.
Nico: What is the largest cave in the world?
Elissa: The Hang son Doong in Vietnam!
Nico: That’s right! We got a smart batch here!
Zach: Unlike a certain somebody I could mention...ah, it’s not important. Here’s the next question: What insect can make a cockroach lose control of his body?
Anitia: The Emerald Jewel Wasp. I should know this seeing as I have a PHD in math.
Zach: How does math help you know… ah, never mind. It’s correct. Next question Nico.
Nico: Right. What’s the loudest animal in the world? Tiger pistol shrimp, Blue whale and downy woodpecker.
Austin: Tigers, pistols and shrimps.
Zach: Personnaly, I always thought humans were the loudest, considering the 50% chance Nico is a human…. But yah, the tiger pistol shrimp, if that’s what you mean.
Austin: Actually, I meant tigers, pistols and shrimps, but let’s just pretend I got it right.
Zach: Ok… anyways… how long does light take to travel from one side of the milky way to another?
Sarah: That’s easy! .2847932874283947239047239847th of a second! I AM SO SMART!!!!!
Zach: Actually, it’s 100000 thousand years.
Sarah: Oh.
Nico: Hey zach, I forgot how old I am.
Zach: Maturity wise? 2.
Nico: Ha ha ha. I know my maturity level is at least one and a half! Anyways, next question. What sound do some queen bees make? Buzz, Quack, or moo.
Paul: Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Nico: Sorry mate, it’s quack.
Zach: You sure that’s right?
Nico: Well, ducks buzz, and cows moo, so queen bees must quack.
Zach: I’m failing to see the logic… anyways which newborn mammal can fit inside a teaspoon?
Abigail: Kangaroo! (Starts hopping around the stage)
Zach: Well, someone’s enthusiastic! Fun fact: Nico’s muscles can fit inside a teaspoon!
Nico: Hah! I don’t have muscles! What do you say to that?
(Zach rolls eyes)
Nico: Next question! What animal does a tongue eating louse use for a host?
Anika: Red snapper! I have a degree in tongue eating louses!
Zach: Correct, but honestly, who gets a degree in that? That's almost as stupid as my dumb girlfriend's degree in onthinothology or whatever. It's the study of bird watching. I didn't even know bird watching was a thing! I mean, she's hot and all, BUT SO STUPID. Typical blon-(Nico cuts Zach off.)
Nico: Normally, I would love to listen to you ramble about your love life problems on live television, but we’re running out of time so, next question! True/False. Ostriches are the only bird who can’t fly.
Maija: Penguins can’t fly, so it’s false.
Nico: Your right, penguins can’t fly. Get ready contestants, here comes a hard one! What animal does not have a gender?
Elissa: Snails! Snails! Snails Snails Snails!
Zach: (Yawns) Correct, but who really cares? Next question: What planet was almost named George?
Sarah: Uranus!
Nico: Presto!
Zach: Sorry to crush your dreams Nico, but you're not a magician.
Nico: True, but this question is Magical! True/False! Three toed sloths can swim, but two toed sloths can’t!
Xander: True! (DO not print italic print, delete this and put sloth explanation, Jocelyn)
Nico: Somebodys a smartie!
Zach: I’ve always thought of him as more of a M’M. But no further ado! What whale has a tongue the weight of a fully grown elephant? Blue whale, Narwhal, or Whale Shark
Matthew: Ummmm…… Blue whale????
Nico: Dat’s right little budders!
Matthew: Wait, I got something right? YAY!!! (Jumps up and down)
Nico: Ain’t he adorable?
Zach: No, but I need some coffee, so ask your question!
Nico: Fine! What animal can lick inside their ear? Komodo Dragon, Giraffe, or ant eater?
Maija: Giraffe!
Zach: Yes...Anyways, what mammal can dig a 300ft hole in one night?
Sarah: Hippopotamus?
Zach: Hippopotamus’s are about as active as nico, which is not a compliment. It’s a mole.
Sarah: Oh….(starts crying)
Zach: Don’t cry, it’s all right!
Nico: Zach, your getting nicer!
Zach: No, I don’t want her to dirty the rug with her nasty little tears!
Nico: Oh. Well, I guess it’s next question time! Which fish has no stomach?
Abigail: Kangaroo! (Starts hopping around stage)
Nico: Sorry, but this time it’s the needlefish.
Zach: Whee is the Marble Cathedral Cave located?
Anika: On the border of Chile and Argentina! I should know, thanks to my degree in cooking!
Nico:Correct, but how does cooking help with that?
Anika: Well-
Zach: Don’t answer that! Let’s just announce the winner already!
Nico: Fine. Ladies and Gents, the winner is…
Zach: Thompson family. Hip hip Hooray. Brats get cash, and I go home.
Nico: Actually, they win a trip to…….. Costa Rica! You will stay at the Buttercup Inn!
Zach: Let me take over. You go to some sloth thing, you visit some forest, which probably has sloths, and you go to some random park, which probably has more sloths.
Thompson Family: (In unison) But, we’re allergic to sloths!
Zach: Oh…
The End!
