Steve gets out of his house only to find his neighbor watering front yard.
Steve: What's up neighbe!
Neighbor growls.
Steve: It' s a beautiful morning, isn't it?
Neighbor: (for himself) It was up until now.
Steve: What was that?
Neighbor (looking at the wristwatch): I said what morning? It's almost noon.
Steve: Close enough for me. Why are you watering that grass man? It was raining just yesterday.
Neighbor: Oh, now you're going to tell me what to do?
Steve: No man, I'm just saying it doesn't make any sense.
Neighbor: Sure it does. Maybe the grass don't need it, maybe I do.What if I had a fight with my wife and this is my way of calming down.
Steve: So you had a fight with your wife?
Neighbor: No I didn't.
Steve (thinking) I don't get it.
Neighbor: I'm just saying you've got to look deeper. The most obvious explanation isn't always the right one.
Steve(yawning): If you say so.
Neighbor: Is that why you came out, to bother me?
Steve: Well, I do have a couple of questions.
Neighbor: And you won't quit until I answer them?
Steve: Something like that.
Neighbor: OK, go on then.
Steve: How come you're allowed to have grass in your front yard and I'm not?
Neighbor: What do you mean?
Steve: Well, couple of days ago there was this weird dude at my front door. He demanded to speak to me about my front yard. He was angry at me for some reason. Why do you have grass, why don't you take care of it. That kind of stuff. I tried to explain it to him about water evaporation and rain formation and how rain just falls down creating moisture, and how
moisture is good for grass and how grass simply grows. He got even angrier.
Neighbor: Got ya, got ya. OK, how am I going to approach this. See, my grass is meant to be there. I planted it, I cut it, I water it. I take care of it. Your grass is not meant to be there. If you look closer you'll see that natural background for your front yard is gravel. The grass, or more likely the jungle you see there, is simply a consequence of you not taking care of your front yard. There is this law that says, if you live in community with association fee, you have to obey some rules in order to keep neighborhood neat and
beautiful.
Steve: I haven't heard of any rules like that.
Neighbor: That's because you're a loser.
Steve Come on man, I just moved out of my parent's home. Give me some slack.
Neighbor: How old are you?
Steve: 37.
Neighbor: You're 37 and you just moved out of your parents house? No man, I'm not going to give you any slack. You gotta learn, and you gotta learn fast. You're way behind.
Steve: That's why I'm talking to you. Being that old and experienced.
Neighbor: Screw you man, I'm just 3 years older than you.
Steve: Sorry. It's just, it's really a stupid rule. It's like me saying, hey neighbor, I don't like your hair today, it messes up our neighborhood. Go back to your house and fix it, get a haircut or something. And change
that stupid t shirt while you're at it. Whoever heard of magenta t shirts. How's that for keeping your neighborhood clean and nice?
Neighbor: Rules have to be obeyed, whether we like them or not.
Steve: Sorry man. It's just that there are so many weird people in this neighborhood, it creeps me out. That damn dude has got nothing better to do than hide behind cars and check people's front yards, man that' sick, I mean get a life or something. Just the other day there was also some girl, sweet little thing, she belongs to some church or something. I started hitting on her, but she was a Jesusy type, she wouldn't fall my tricks.
Neighbor: It's hard to imagine any type of girls falling for your tricks. What did she want?
Steve: She wanted me to go to church.
Neighbor: What did you tell her?
Steve: I told her to get the hell out of here, I already been to church, twice.
Neighbor: I have to admit I agree with you on that one. It's not that I don't believe in god, but I'm simply not getting any help from him. Anything else?
Steve (looking at the grass): Wait, what's this? Oh it's a twenty dollar bill. I got lucky today.
Neighbor: Hey that's mine. I lost it earlier today.
Steve: I don't believe you. What's it look like?
Neighbor: Well, it's green, it has that Jackson dude on side, some building on the other side, number twenty is written all around.
Steve: (giving him the bill): Well, I guess you're right. I'm sorry for not trusting you on that.
Neighbor: That's okay. Any more questions?
Steve: One more. Is your son gay?
Neighbor: What?
Steve: Is your son gay?
Neighbor (thinking): Well I wouldn't go as far as calling him gay. He is gayish.
Steve: Gayish? What does that mean? That's not even a word.
Neighbor: All right, all right, dammit, I admit it. He's gay. But don't you dare tell him that.
Steve: Why not? Doesn't he know he's gay?
Neighbor: No fool, don't tell him I told you.
Steve: Oh, OK.
Neighbor: How did you figure it out anyway?
Steve: Well there was this party both of us attended, he was looking a little too friendly, so I figured it out.
Neighbor: So, you didn't fall for it?
Steve: Well, I'm not gay in the first place.
Neighbor: How do you know? Have you ever tried it?
Steve: No, but...
Neighbor: Maybe you should give him a chance, he's a nice kid.
Steve (thinking): You really think so?
Neighbor: No, I don't really think so. Jesus Christ man, what the hell is wrong with you? Did you just land on this planet or what?
Steve: I don't think so. You've got me all confused now.
Neighbor: Well unconfuse yourself. You're going to get yourself in trouble without even knowing it. Set some clear goals for yourself. Start with taking care of that damn grass. And tell my son to piss off. Oh yeah, and take
this twenty dollar bill. It's not really mine. Do I have to draw everything for you?
Steve: Got it. Thanks man. I enjoyed this conversation.
Neighbor: Well I didn't. Anything else?
Steve: Not today neighbor. Maybe tomorrow. See you.
Neighbor growls.
Steve leaves.
