Scene: Satan's office. There is a stopped clock on the wall. There is a desk with paper, a quill pen and ink. George Osborne walks in. As Osborne walks in, flames and hot embers can be seen through the open door.
Satan: Ah! Osborne. Sorry to disrupt your masterful handling of the Council of Europe...
Osborne: Oh! Thank you Sir.
Satan (continues:) ...but I've brought you in for your annual review. What have you been up to recently?
Osborne: I have been ruining the British economy, Sir.
Satan: Ha, ha, ha! Wonderful. They couldn't have chosen a better man. How do you plan to ruin the British economy, exactly?
Osborne: That was a typo, Sir. I meant "running," not "ruining." I have been (emphasis) running the British economy.
Satan: Ha, ha, ha! That's even funnier. Do you have a plan of some sort?
Osborne: Yes, Sir. It is known as Plan A.
Satan: And from what I read in the newspapers Plan A has failed, hasn't it?
Osborne: Yes, Sir—
Lightning strikes Osborne
Osorne (continues:) OUCH! I mean, No, Sir. It is succeeding. The economy is already far worse than it was when I started the job.
Satan: Good! Excellent! Show me Plan B.
Osborne: Plan B does not exist, Sir.
Satan: That was the one about pulling out of those costly and pointless foreign expeditions, if I remember correctly, wasn't it?
Osborne: Sir, Plan B does not exist.
Satan: A million civilian casualties in ten years, I believe.
Osborne: The foreign expeditions will continue, Sir.
Satan: Of course they will. They only started because the Americans went to war and then told you to join in. You are doing my job for me in the most admirable fashion. I agree that Plan B does not exist, Osborne.
Osborne: It never existed.
Satan (conspiratorially:) Indeed, it never existed. Tell me, what then is plan C?
Osborne: There is no Plan C, Sir.
Satan: Take pen and paper and I shall dictate it to you.
Osborne picks up pen and paper and writes.
Satan (continues:) One: abolish the health service, two: close industry, three: raise the pensionable age to 105 and four: cut the minimum wage to five pence a week. What else? Five: Double house prices.
Osborne: Again?
Satan: Yes, again. Six: Bring back the workhouse. Oh, and evict council tenants if they have a spare bedroom. Can't have them wasting bricks.
Osborne: What number is that, Sir?
Satan: Seven, Osborne.
Osborne: I never was much good at counting, Sir.
Osborne writes silently.
Osborne: Sir, begging your pardon but... wouldn't the British economy become prosperous again if I just abolished the banks?
Repeated lightning strikes on Osborne.
Osborne (continues:) OUCH! AAAARGH! For God's sake stop it, Sir! YAROOH!!
Satan: Of course it would, which is why you are not going to do it. Think before you open your idiot cake-hole, Osborne. You're not in the Houses of Parliament now.
Osborne: Yes, Sir. Will Plan C improve the British economy, Sir?
Satan: Of course it won't, you fool, Osborne. If you had a plan that would suddenly make everybody well nourished, well clothed, well paid and living in proper houses, do you imagine I would allow you to carry it out?
Osborne: No, Sir.
Satan: And while I think of it, put Philip Green in charge of the Inland Revenue.
Osborne: What number is—
Satan: Eight.
Osborne: That is a most exceedingly brilliant suggestion, Sir. Plan C shall be done, Sir. I shall tell Parliament that Plan A didn't work after all, Plan B does not exist and therefore I am going to implement Plan C.
Satan: Wonderful. And you really must include that marvellous joke about "We're all in this together." That one still has me in stitches.
Satan looks at clock
Satan (continues:) You must go now. Remember to leave your soul in the box by the door as you leave, Osborne.
Osborne stands up and bows, then turns to leave the office.
Satan: Oh, Osborne...
Osborne: Yes, Sir?
Satan: I need a new Archangel.
Osborne: Are you saying I'm in line for promotion, Sir?
Satan: No, Osborne. Instruct the careers master at Eton to send me a suitable boy.
Osborne: Yes, Sir.
Osborne tries to open the door. It does not open.
Satan: Osborne, your soul is my property. I paid you thirty good pieces of silver for it. Put it in the box please.
Osborne puts his soul into the box. The door swings open. Flames etc. can be seen through the open door. Osborne leaves the office.
