It’s Brian’s birthday and he is lying in bed when his wife Michelle enters the room
Michelle
“Happy birthday hon “
Michelle hands a gift to Brian
Brian
“You shouldn’t have “
Michelle
“You should have told me that before I bought it “
Brian sits up in bed
Michelle
“Well go on, open it “
Brian proceeds to open his gift and can see a pair of boxing gloves
Brian
“You read my mind, I was thinking of getting fit”
Michelle
“Well open the whole thing”
As Brian proceeds to open his gift he sees that it is considerably more than a pair of boxing gloves. As Brian un-wraps the gift he starts to see that it is a metallic suit of armour with 2 metal rods jetting out from the shoulder blades. Brian stands up and lets the suit of armour hang down.
Brian
“What the hell is this?”
Michelle
“Well you know you’ve had problems with social distancing, well this should solve the problem “
Brian looks confused
Michelle
“Look, you place it over your head and attach the boxing gloves to the rods and the idea is that it acts as a deterrent to keep people at a distance from you “
Brian
“Or they get a punch in the head? “
Michelle
“Not if they are under 5 foot “
Brian
“Great, I’ll wait till it’s the dwarf shopping hour before I leave the house. This is a bit of a departure, you normally buy me shoes “
Michelle
“Well this is like shoes”
Brian
“How?”
Michelle
“Well, shoes give you confidence walking down the street, so will this “
Brian
“Until you hospitalise someone “
Michelle
“ You won’t hospitalise anyone. Besides if you do, anyone being hospitalised at the moment is diagnosed as suffering from Covid -19 , so you’ll be off the hook”
Brian
“Oh come on, that’s just a conspiracy theory. Is this even legal?”
Michelle
“Well, no one is being sent to prison at the moment, quite the opposite”
Brian
“Prison isn’t the worry, I just don’t want a criminal record. With millions out of work, I’m lucky to still have a job”
Michelle
“But you’re in the right. You’re taking steps to observe the government guidelines. The police are more concerned with people not observing the guidelines, sunbathers and the like”
Brian
“No chance of me sunbathing, I’d never get up again”
Brian surveys the uniform but is still unconvinced
Brian
“What about blind people? They won’t know I’m approaching “
Michelle
“Push the button on the breast plate”
Brian presses the button which emits a loud recorded message – “KEEP BACK-PERSON APPROACHING, KEEP BACK-PERSON APPROACHING”
Brian
“Ok but what if they‘re deaf and blind?”
Michelle
“Brian if you end up hospitalising a blind and deaf person.... “
Brian
“Who isn’t a dwarf”
Michelle
“Who isn’t a dwarf and you end up losing your job because of a criminal record, I will personally use all the money I inherited from my father and set you up in business”
Brian
“Well that would have been a decent birthday present”
Michelle
“And yet you’ll still have people shouting at you for not social distancing so unless you have another solution ....”
Brian
“Well I need to try something , that’s true “
Michelle
“Why don’t you try it out today”
Brian
“I’m not wearing it at work”
Michelle
“ No but I’m going to cook you a birthday dinner tonight and I need you to pick up some ingredients from the supermarket after work so why not try it then “
Brian
“Ok I will give it a go. I’m not promising I’ll use it long term but I’ll give it a try”
The action now moves to the evening, Michelle is watching the television when the front door opens , Michelle shouts out from the living room
Michelle
“Brian?”
Brian
“No it’s the man come to re-tune the piano”
Michelle
“I take it you didn’t wear it to the supermarket as you sound in a good mood”
Brian (shouting from the kitchen)
“No I did. It’s amazing how wearing that thing you notice how bad other people are at social distancing and you realise it’s their problem not yours. “
Michelle
“So no problem with blind and deaf people then? “
Brian
“Didn’t see any”
Michelle
“You going to wear it again”
Brian
“Definitely”
Michelle
“That’s good. I’m just going to watch the news and I’ll come out to start the dinner “
Michelle switches channels
Newsreader
“We now return to our main story about an incident at a local supermarket which could hold the key to possibly finding a cure to Covid -19. We go now to our reporter Barbara Spring who is outside the hospital where the Covid -19 patients have been admitted”....
Reporter
“Thank you Cliff. An hour ago this suburban hospital saw 30 patients admitted with Covid 19. Under normal circumstances this would just be another daily event during a pandemic. The difference here is that they all became ill whilst shopping at the same local supermarket. Eyewitnesses say that one minute they seemed fine the next they had collapsed on the ground. What is baffling the medical staff here is the additional Covid 19 symptoms they appear to be exhibiting. They all appear to have bruising to the face and upper chest. One doctor described them as, quote, “having gone a round with Mike Tyson”. When asked about the bruising one doctor hypothesised that maybe the Coronovirus is now mutating into something else where bruising is a common symptom. The latest statement from the hospital is that the patients are in a stable condition”
Newsreader
“I understand Barbara that despite so many falling ill there might be a ray of hope to possibly come out of this incident “
Reporter
“That’s right Cliff. I spoke to a police officer who was first on scene. The police officer told me that when they arrived there was a woman standing in the aisle where the majority of the people fell ill. The police officer approached the woman who appeared to be fine and exhibited no symptoms of illness. Certainly no signs of bruising and appeared steady on her feet. Off the record the police officer told me that the woman may be blind or deaf as did not respond initially to the police officer but these impairments have not been confirmed as the woman left the supermarket during the commotion. But if this is confirmed, this woman ‘s impairments , coupled with her height which is said to be around 3.5 -4 feet tall, could have some bearing on why she did not become sick when everyone else in the vicinity did. The police will shortly be launching a formal appeal to locate this woman as she may well hold the key to curing this terrible illness”
Newsreader
“We can only hope they locate this woman as soon as possible. In other news, football authorities are having advanced talks to re-start the season with effect from June .....”
Michelle
“Brian , could you come here a minute ?”
