IN THE TENTH CENTURY ENGLAND WAS DIVIDED. A DISPARATE GROUP OF WARLIKE TRIBES FOUGHT ENDLESS WARS, MAKING IT A UNHAPPY PLACE FOR ALL CONCERNED. IN THE MIDST OF THIS POWER VACUUM HENRY ARRIVED WITH HIS MERRY BAND OF SMILING LITTLE HOOVERS. THEY WERE A BREADTH OF FRESH AIR AND CHEERED EVERYBODY UP BY CLEANING UP A WAR RAVAGED LAND. SUCH WAS THEIR IMPACT, THAT IN 985 ENGLAND WAS UNITED UNDER THEIR NEW KING, HENRY THE SMILING HOOVER. THOUGH SHORT IN STATURE AND UNABLE TO STAY ON A HORSE FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME, HE PROVED TO BE A MUCH LOVED MONARCH.
ALAS THE PEACE THAT HENRY HAD BROUGHT SEEMED SET TO BE DISTURBED BY FIERCE WARRIORS FROM THE NORTH, WHO WERE INCREASINGLY RAIDING ALONG THE COAST IN THEIR LONG SHIPS.
COURT OF KING HENRY
MESSENGER: More Vikings have been sighted off the coast my lord
HENRY: Have we not a agreement with these people? Do we not valet their ships and do they not keep the peace in exchange?
ADVISER: Times have changed my lord. Sitric The Hygenic is no more. Their new leader, Olaf The Bloodthirsty is a altogether different man.
HENRY: How so?
ADVISER: The clue is in the name my lord. Rape, pillage and murder seems to be his agenda
HENRY: Maybe his name is a mere jest. Have we tempted him with a deluxe valet for his entire fleet?
ADVISER: We sent a delegation my lord, who were all denozzled and thrown in the sea.
HENRY: My god what savagery. What sort of man with a fleet of long boats would turn down a thorough valeting?
ADVISER: Olaf is a brute, who cares little for neatness. We must find a different way to combat him.
HENRY: Would my radiant smile not curb his blood lust and stop all this nonsense?
ADVISER: It won the the hearts of the Saxons and its a smile that would overcome and placate the fiercest of tribes, but Olaf and his warriors want war.
HENRY: So be it. Tell me, is it not a fact that the Viking is not equipped for siege warfare?
ADVISER: That is true, but its also true we lack castles.
HENRY: What about those castles we purchased off those castle sellers last year?
ADVISER: Relying on them could prove unwise
HENRY: How so?
ADVISER: They are of the bouncy variety. One stray arrow would prove disastrous. Our propensity for inflation is why those merchants targeted us with their wares. If Olaf's warriors had a average age of 7 or 8, we might persuade them to lay down their arms, for fun filled hours of bouncing.
HENRY: Dam and blast. We must prepare for war.
ADVISER: Olaf will not be intimidated when he is faced with smiling miniature Hoovers with permanent smiles.
HENRY: Have we not any scowling models we can put out front?
ADVISER: Afraid not. Everybody normally likes us, we never had to develop a scowl. Conflict is not our thing
HENRY: What about that tribe of Dyson's that once threatened our borders. We saw them off.
ADVISER: That was just a lot of hot air. They shouted insults, we shouted back, everybody got bored and went home. The most common insult shouted that day was YOU SUCK, which in truth could hardly be considered a insult in the first place. Vikings will be a whole different experience
HENRY: I am king of this great land and I will lead a great Hoover army to face these savages. We will fill our nozzles with deadly missiles and pelt Olaf and his men. When they succumb to our hail of death, we will blow them back into the sea, and back to Scandinavia. And this will all be done with a smile.
IN THE GREAT BATTLE THAT ENSUED A VIKING ARMY OF 5000 WARRIORS FACED HENRYS ARMY OF 20000 SMILING LITTLE HOOVERS.
THE HOOVERS UNLEASHED THOUSANDS OF MISSILES AND GENERALLY BLEW AS HARD AS THEY COULD. THE VIKINGS CHARGED, BUT IT WAS SLOW MOTION THROUGH THE MIGHTY HOOVER WIND. LATER IN THE DAY THE VIKINGS GAINED THE UPPER HAND AS HENRYS MEN GRADUALLY RAN OUT OF PUFF.
JUST AS ALL SEEMED TO BE LOST FOR THE HOOVER ARMY, OVER THE HORIZON CAME HENRIETTA, DAUGHTER OF HENRY WITH HER HUSBAND PRINCE FERDINAND AND HIS 10000 STRONG FORCE OF FORKLIFTS WHO DECIMATED OLAFS MEN, AND EVERYBODY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
