Hey There Taxi Guy! By Eatsomefries
Cast:
Jerry ? Jerry is 78 years old and hates to travel. He lives alone in in his Seattle apartment with his cat Spokes. He is in poor health, and he's a very rude and difficult owner and boss of the Super Tastey and Delicious Pie Factory.
Lance ? Lance is a 28 years old man. He is single and has no friends. He is extremely loyal to Jerry and is the Chief Saleman of the Super Tastey and Delicious Pie Factory. He is socially awkward and afraid of people; he stutters, has turrettes, and has difficulty talking to people other than his boss Jerry.
Larka ? Larka drives a cab for a living. He's a carefree and happy man and claims his cab is magical.
Yorri ? Yorri is a very friendly and flirtatious obese woman.
Drive-Thru Tailor ? The drive-thru tailor is a good friend of Larka's.
Solie ? Solie is an old wizard with a bad temper.
(Lights go up on the scene).
Scene: Jerry and Lance are leaving the JFK airport in New York city and they're trying to decide whether or not they should take a cab or rent a car to go to their 9:30 meeting in New Jersey where Jerry plans to sell the factory.
Jerry
What's faster Lance...renting a car or taking a cab? Oh, my back is killing me. Damn! It's 9:00 already...we have to be at that meeting by 9:30. Shit! It looks like we're not gonna to make it!
Lance
(Lance answers worriedly)
Sa sir, I think a cab...Cheese Crack Whore!...wa would definitely be faster.
Jerry
(Jerry snarls at Lance)
I don't want any cheese crackers Lance! Now's not the time for food for Christ's sake!
Lance
(Lance snivels and stutters back to Jerry)
Na no sir! Excuse me sir, but there's a cab, Should sha should we get in...Footloose!?
(Jerry gets angrier)
Jerry
Faster? I can hardly walk! Hand me my cane...oh my back!
(Jerry hobbles into the cab and Lance follows him)
Cabbie
Hello sirs...I put luggage in trunk. Where you want go? I am bestest fastest magical cab driver in New York city!
Jerry
If you can't get us there before 9:30, then forget it!
Cabbie
Oh...I get you there before or I give you my cab.
Jerry
Fine...fine...just take us to 2130 Riverton Road in New Jersey. I have an important meeting there. How much to get us there before 9:30?
Cabbie
I give you good deal...only two hundred dollars for bestest fastest magical cab ride. You enjoy!
Lance
Ta two hundred dollars! Smelly underarms...too much!
Cabbie
Your young friend insults me sir! I shower every day... I assure you!
Jerry
Shut up and just pay the man Lance. I'm tired.
Cabbie
But you must sign contract first!
Jerry
Contract! Lance... read the contract! I'm tired and it's too late to look for another cabbie.
Lance
Sa...sir. It says that we're in a magical cab...and never to tell anyone about what ha ha ha happens during our ride. Ha...hard...pecker-wood!
Jerry
Dammit! It can't be that hard Lance! Let me see that damned thing! I don't have time for some crazy cab driver...I've got pies to sell.
(Jerry signs the contract without reading it and hands it back to the cabbie).
Cabbie
You are good man Mr. Jerry. I have ten kids at home...every bit helps to feed them. Thank you sir!
Jerry
Geez! You people are all the same. Couldn't you have stopped after 2 or 3?
Cabbie
Oh no! I love all my kids. But soon there will be 9. The oldest is age when we I need to get rid of him. He eats too much too.
Jerry
You sick bastard! What are you gonna do with him?
Cabbie
Eat him...of course! He will be delicious!
Lance
Pa pig popsicles! Da da da don't your na na nipples ga get suspicious?
Cabbie
My nipples are extremely sensitive Mr. Lance but...nobody's ever said they were suspicious.
Lance
I'm sa sorry...I ma meant your na neighbors.
Cabbie
Oh no! We invite neighbors for big party when we roast kid...they loveit! And they all have sensitive nipples too! Probably from eating kids.
Jerry
You're disgusting! How can you do that to your own flesh and blood? Your own children for Christ's sake!
Cabbie
Child? You think I talk about children...no no no! It goat silly man.
(The cabbie looks at the contract).
Cabbie
Mr. Lance...you did not sign contract...you must sign too.
Jerry
Lance! Sign the stupid contract!
(Lance looks concerned but takes the contract from the cabbie).
Lance
Ya ya..ya yes sir.
(Lance signs the contract and hands it back to the cabbie. Afterward, the doors all lock and the windows go completely dark).
Lance
Wa wa what's going on...why can't I sa sa see out the windows, and the da doors wa won't open! Douchebags!
Jerry
Stop worrying about your bag Lance...it's in the trunk! Why did the door lock!?
(Jerry trys to open the door...but can't).
Lance
I da da don't know sa sir!
(The cab lurches forward and both Jerry and Lance are pushed back in their seats).
Cabbie
Quiet please...buckle seat belts Mr. Jerry...Mr. Lance. I will take you to your meeting, but first I must make stop. Cousin Yorri needs a ride to her Yoga lesson.
Jerry
Yoga lesson! That's crazy! Where's she live for Christ's sake?
Cabbie
Newark. Why do you ask Mr. Jerry?
Jerry
Newark!! That's too far! Let me out of this damned cab! Let me out...let me out!
Cabbie
Did you not read contract? You cannot leave until you get to your meeting. But do not worry...we are at cousin Yorri's apartment now.
Jerry
But its only been a few seconds...this is some kind of trick. I can't see out the windows!
(The door pops open and an extremely obese woman with a huge backside and huge breasts quickly squeezes herself into the cab while holding an ice cream cone in her left hand and a book under her right arm. Then the door quickly shuts).
Yorri
Larka...what took ya so long?
(Jerry sees a large patch of acne on Yorri's neck as the ice cream drips on Jerry's pants).
Larka (Cabbie)
Aye...I got me some fares here gonna be ridin with us today!
(Larka points to Jerry and Lance).
Yorri
Well...as long as I get to me yoga class...then its okay by me! They're very cute...and I like this one. I'm takin him home to meet ma?
(Yorri pinches Jerry on cheek).
(Jerry brushes off the ice cream from his pants and moves his head away fromYorri).
Jerry
Take me home! Not in a million years for Christ's sake! And we don't have any time for yoga lessons! Parka or whatever your name is...I demand you take us to our hotel this instant! I need to get to my meeting...and this woman's ruined my custom tailored suit with her ice cream. What kind of crappie cab is this!?
Larka
It not crappie...it bestest fastest magica cab. I stop by tailor friend...he make you new suit.
(Jerry's face crinkles with anger and he starts yelling).
Jerry
Aaaaaaaaaayeee! Lance...move out of the way! Let me out of here! Let me out...let me out! Damn it! I want to get out this cab! I'm through!
Larka
Calm down Mr. Jerry...we at drive-thru tailor! You be happy now.
(Larka rolls down his window).
Drive-Thru Tailor
Aye Larka mon...how are the bitches doing...I heard Moka was not feelin well?
(Yori finishes her ice cream with one large bite and starts staring at Lance, Jerry snarls angrily, and Lance quivers while the Drive-Thru Tailor is talking).
Larka
Yes my friend. My dear Moka was very ill so I took her out quietly...then I buried her in me back yard. I still have plenty of other bitches, and they are all wonderful. I built a special room to keep the six of dem locked up while I'm gone so that they don't run away...they're very happy.
Jerry
Bitches...you people never suprise me! You're sick! Is that how you talk about them...like they're your objects? And you lock them in a room...geez! You're one sick bastard!
Larka
What? I treat my bitches very well Mr. Jerry. They get plenty of food and lots of love. I make sure to spend plenty of special love time with each of them every day.
Yori
Yes...I've seen it. Larka's a strong man...he's able to love them all every day.
Jerry
You're telling me you're having sex with six women every day...and this Yorri woman watches you! You're a pig! Let me out of this cab...let me out! Let me out!
Larka
Sex? No no Mr. Jerry. You think my bitches are women? No, no...they are dogs my friend.
Drive-Thru Tailor
Oh my! He thought your bitches were ladies! Thay very funny Larka! So...what you looking for today my good friend?
(Yorri turns to Lance).
Yorri
You`re friend Mr. Jerry is very funny man.
Lance
(Lance quivers and nods in agreement).
Larka
Mr. Jerry needs a new suit my friend. Can you help him?
Drive-Thru Tailor
No problem my good friend. Please pull up to next window. Oh and say hello to all the kids and bitches for me. Goodbye Larka.
Larka
Goodbye my friend.
(Larka pulls up to the next window and receives a suit wrapped in plastic).
Larka
There you are Mr. Jerry...it's an exact fit, and all free my friend.
(Lance spits while he talks).
Lance
Thith is fa fa fun tha thir! And I tha think ya ya ya....Yorri's va very nice...golden titties!
Jerry
Shut up Lance!
Yorri
Why Lance...were you lookin' at me boobies honey?
(Yorri climbs over Jerry with her backside pushing against his face).
Jerry
Oh jeez! Get your ass out of my face lady!
Lance
Na na no no. Sweet melon sucker!
Yorri
Oh my! You are very handsome Lance! You look like a big fudgeicle! A big, tasty, sweet fudgeicle! Oh mon! I'm gettin hungry! You know...I can eat a fudgeicle in one bite Lance honey! How would ya like to come with me to me yoga lesson? Mmmm?
(Yorri squeezes Lance's face and thighs and shoves her breasts against his body).
Lance
I da...da...don't think ma...ma...ma...ma...ma...boss would like that miss Yorri.
(Lance is shaking from head to toe and can't take his eyes off of Yorri's breasts).
Larka
Yorri! How many times have I told ya to stay away from me fares!!! Please!
Yorri
Please Larka, I'm just talkin to em. Lance honey...why Mr. Jerry so mean to everyone?
Lance
I know my ba ba boss says things sometimes, but he's really a ga ga ga great person. He's very generous. He just doesn't have too many pee pee people in his lalalaaaife...he lives alone with his ca ca ca cat spokes. I tata ta try to watch over him cause he's la la lonely.
Jerry
Oh geez! Sha sha sha shut up Lance! I don't need anybody! And everyone knows I'm a nice guy. I'm a firm believer in helping people with problems. Take Lance for instance...he's nearly retarded but I still keep him around. And for Christ's sake lady! Just keep your trap shut for one second! Your ass and tits are rubbing all over everyone...it's disgusting! I just want to get out of this cab already!
Yorri
Larka mon. I need to stop at Tastee Pops for a fudgicle!
(Yorri licks her lips with her tongue as she stares at Lance).
Larka
We're already at the drive-through window Yorri!
(Larka puts down his window).
Tastee Pops Drive Through Speaker Voice
Welcome to Tastee Pops...may I have your order please.
Larka
Four fudgicles please.
Jerry
For Christ's sake! We don't have time for fudgicles! You promised we'd get to our hotel by 9:30!
Larka
And I will Mr. Jerry. We've got plenty of time...It's only 9:05...look at your watch.
(Both Jerry and Lance look at there watches and their eyes open wide as they realize only 5 minutes have passed since they met Larka).
Jerry
It couldn't have been just 5 minutes...this is some kind of trick!!
Larka
I told you Mr. Jerry...I am the bestest fastest magical cab driver in New York! Enjoy your fudgicle Mr. Jerry.
(Larka smiles as he hands everyone their fudgicles).
Larka
Oh..I forgot to pass Mr. Lance his chilli fries..I know they're his favorite.
(Larka hands Jerry a big cardboard container of chilli fries).
(Lance's eyes open wide and he smiles from ear to ear as he takes the chilli fries).
Lance
Tha...tha tha...thank you Larka.
Larka
Well. We's at yer yoga class Yorri!
(Yorri puts the entire fudgeicle in her mouth and quickly swallows it all...including the stick).
Yorri
Thank ya Larka. I can't take bein with that Jerry man any longer. Good bye Lance...It's been a pleasure dear.
(Yorri gives Lance a big kiss on the lips and then smothers Jerry with her back side as she makes her way towards the cab door).
Jerry
Same to you lady! You're a few fries short of a happy meal! Justa leave already!
Lance
Ga ga goodbye Miss Yorri. I'll always remember...juicy butts.
Yorri
Bye Lance...Larka. And Mr. Jerry...I'll say a prayer for ya. I know you're a good man.
(Yorri makes her way towards the door on Lance's side of the cab, and as she does, her breasts press press hard against his face pushing him back in his seat).
Larka
See ya later Yorri.
(Yorri opens the cab door and leaves).
Jerry
That was disgusting Lance! I think I'm gonna puke! Can we just get going already?
Larka
We're already on our way Mr. Jerry. But first I must make another stop to pick up Uncle Solie!
Jerry
What! Are you out of your frickin mind! That's it! I'm through! I'm getting out of this cab!
(Jerry tries to open the door but it doesn't work).
I'm calling the police if you don't let me out of this damned cab!
(Jerry pulls out his cell phone from his pocket but it is completely dead).
Lance, check your phone!
Lance
Ma ma ma mama phone is da dead sir! Bum tickler!
Larka
Relax Mr. Jerry...Mr. Lance. We at Uncle Solie's house and it only 9:10...so you have plenty of time.
(The door pops open on Jerry's side of the cab. A short thin man in a white suit, carrying a satchel with a leather rope tied around it, sits next to Jerry and then the door shuts. The short thin man stares at Jerry).
Uncle Solie
You're an ugly man...arncha? Larka, why ya takin ugly people in yer cab? I hates ugly people!
Jerry
Hey buddy...(Uncle Solie interupts Jerry).
Uncle Solie
Hey buddy what? Whatcha gonna do...huh? I kill people like you fer fun so just shut yer mouth!
Larka
Mr. Jerry...Mr. Lance. Uncle Solie is really nice guy. He not really kill anyone.
Jerry
What's wrong with him? Is he a retard or something?
Uncle Solie
See this here bag ugly? I could turn ya into a frog or an ant if I wanted to...so ya better watch yer mouth!
Lance
Are you like a...prick! Wa wa wa wizard Mr. Solie?
Uncle Solie
You mean a wand? Of course I have a wand...and I'm the best wizard around these parts!
Jerry
Shut up Lance...just shut up for Christ's sake! This guy is just a crazy nut job. I thought that Yorri was a nut...but he takes the cake!
Uncle Solie
Now you got me mad! For that I'm gonna give ya a bad rash!
(Uncle solie unties his satchel and puts some shiny powder in the palm of his right hand).
(Jerry makes a snarly condescending face at Uncle Solie).
Jerry
Ooooh! I'm really scared! Is that your magic powder!?
(Uncle Solie blows the powder in Jerry's face and Jerry swallows some of it and starts choking).
Jerry
You son of a.....
Uncle Solie
Palonzie, zabola, palonzie, talooka, nooka, nooka, noo, noo!
Larka
Oh my...Mr. Jerry! You in trouble now. That Uncle Solie's famous Palonzie rash spell. If you not get antidote, then you will die!
Jerry
That's crap! It was just a bunch of talcum powder.
Larka
No, no! First you get rash all over face...then your butt will burn very bad. Bad burning pain...then you die!
Lance
His butt!?
Larka
Yes, yes, yes! I heard that neighbors third cousin had this spell and had very bad burning butt for a week before she died!
Lance
Oh ma ma ma my!
Jerry
Lance! Geez...you believe this crap...you're a total idiot!
(Jerry scratches his right cheek where a red blotch begins to erupt).
Lance
Pa pa paleez...Mr. Solie! Don't kill my ba ba...dirty ass wipe! He's really a na na nana nice man!
(Jerry continues to scratch his face and more blotches appear).
Jerry
You're all crazy! That's it...you're all a bunch of crazy nutjobs! Especially you Lance...this is not the time to be talking about your personal hygeine problems for Christ's sake!
(Jerry scratches his butt with his right hand).
Larka
Mr. Jerry...it not too late! Please apologize to Uncle Solie!
(Jerry starts scratching his butt fervently). Jerry
What did you do to me!? My butt is burning really bad!
(Jerry starts crying).
Jerry
It's burning...oh shit!
Larka
Please! Calm down Mr. Jerry! Uncle Solie...why you do that to Mr. Jerry...he nice man?
(Uncle Solie laughs and smiles).
Uncle Solie
Ah ha ha ha ha!
(Jerry continues to cry while itching his butt).
Jerry
I'm all alone...I'm scared. I have nobody...my famely left me! All I have is Lance now...he'll be alone without me. And my work at the pie factory has been a failure. It looks like I'm not going to make it to the meeting. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Lance
Ya ya you've done a great job with the factory! The pa pies we make are gareat!!
(Jerry continues to cry and scratch his butt).
Jerry
No Lance...the pie factory is bankrupt. The meeting we were going to was to sell it! I owe half a million dollars to the bank!
Lance
Nooooooooooooo! I love the factory! I love you sir! You ca ca can't do that!
Jerry
I'm sorry Lance...I love you too.
(Jerry's face falls in Lance's lap).
Lance
Nooooooooooooooo!
Larka
Oh my...I knew this happen if Mr. Jerry bother Uncle Solie.
Uncle Solie
He had it comin!
Lance
I ca ca can't believe Jerry is da da dead! I never ga got a chance to tell him how much I la la la loved him. I wa wanted to ma marry him!
(Jerry starts moving, sits up, and looks at Lance).
Jerry
Good ! I'll agree to it...now I can get rid of that maid. You do realize that you'll have to do all the cleaning and cooking...my diaper changings, and my afternoon baths.
Lance
You're alive! Butt licker!
Jerry
Nothing to worry about Lance...it was just some gas. But stop yelling about my bad ticker...it's fine!
Lance
Delicious perfume odors sir! And you'd let me change your diapers...really! I'm getting tingles ja just thinking about it sa sir! Yes...yes! I'd do anything for you sa sir! I love you!
Jerry
What about money!? How much do you have!?
Lance
My ma ma mother and father left me over 2 million. Is that okay?
Jerry
Fine! It's a deal! Just quit slobbering all over me for Christ's sake!!!
Lance
It's a wa wa wonderful day! Can I smell your hair sir?
Uncle Solie
I always enjoy true love...you two made my day!
Larka
We at your meeting Mr. Jerry...and it only 9:15. I told you I bestest fastest magical cab driver!
Jerry
I don't need to go to that meeting now! Once I marry Lance I can pay off the debt and keep the factory!
Larka
Yes..yes! You two lovebirds are in luck today! I not only the bestest fastest magical cab driver, but Justice of Peace too!
(Larka opens a lid under a boble head dancer on his dashboard and pulls out a marriage contract).
Uncle Solie
Just great...I love happy endings!
