A man wearing a suit sits on an over turned bucket in a garden shed, suddenly there is a knock on the door to the shed. The man gets up to answer the door. A smartly dressed woman (Barbara) stands, looking lost Barbara
"Er , hello, I don't know if you can help me but I'm looking for a Mr Brown?"
Mr Brown
"Ah, you must here about the job vacancy?"
Barbara
"Er yeah , I'm here about an office job I saw in the paper but I'm obviously not in the right place"
Mr Brown
"You certainly are in the right place, I'm Mr Brown, come on in and take a seat"
Mr Brown directs Barbara to an overturned bucket, Barbara looks around the shed with a puzzled and slightly bewildered expression
Mr Brown
"And if I can take your name?"
Barbara
"It's Barbara Johnson"
Mr Brown
"Pleased to meet you Barbara "
Mr Brown grabs Barbara's hand and shakes it in quite animated fashion, Barbara still looks bewildered
Mr Brown
"Excellent, well firstly , welcome and well done on finding us "
Barbara (abrupt)
"Some woman let me through a patio door, she made me take my shoes off"
Mr Brown
"Now did she check your ID?"
Barbara
"No I think she was more concerned at the cat being sick on the carpet"
Mr Brown (annoyed)
"D' you know If I've told her once I've told her a thousand times, security of the office environment is imperative and we must maintain it by checking ID for all visitors at all times. Now I'm going to have to book my receptionist on a security awareness course"
Barbara
"Receptionist ? Was that not your wife? "
Mr Brown
"It's a flexible role. So, Barbara, let me tell you more about the job, this will be a full time role, I'm flexible on hours you work so long as you work between the core time of 8.00 am and 6.00 pm. On a Wednesday it may be advisable to start after nine o'clock as the council take the bins that day. Aside from that feel free to arrange your working area in here as you like. If you could avoid putting nails in the walls for pictures it would advisable as I may want to let out the office at some stage in the future. In terms of lunch there's a convenience store down the road that does sandwiches, some of them are normally within date or if we've had a curry the night before we can plate you up some scraps for a subsidised fee. Now in terms of the salary..............sorry Barbara have you got something you want to ask"
Barbara
"I'm sorry , I'm a little confused, are you expecting me to work in here? In a shed? "
Mr Brown
"Well it would help but I don't mind if you overspill onto the lawn"
Barbara
"The lawn? I'm not after a gardening job. I thought this was an admin role? The advert did say admin."
Mr Brown
"It is, well it's admin and stock assistant"
Barbara
"But I don't see any computers"
Mr Brown
"No but you can hand write "
Barbara
"Hand write what?"
Mr Brown
"Well that brings me on nicely to the first question, why do you think you are suitable for the job ?"
Barbara
"Look I don't wish to appear rude but you're interviewing me in a shed and I have no idea what you want me to do "
Mr Brown
"Did you not get a job description?"
Barbara
"No, I phoned and spoke to your wife or your receptionist and she told to come here today at 10.00 am. That's all she said. To be honest she sounded quite apologetic"
Mr Brown
"Apologising no doubt for not posting you out a job description"
Barbara
"No, it seemed like she was apologising for wasting my time"
Mr Brown
"Far from it , I need someone I can trust , someone who can come on board with no training and get the job done. I need to know that while I'm away from the office I can rely on someone to document and record every item in this shed"
Barbara
"Excuse me?
Mr Brown
"I want someone to record every item in the shed"
Barbara
"But there's only about 10 items in here "
Mr Brown
"Wow, already you're weighing up the size of the task. Impressive, looks like I won't be interviewing this afternoon at this rate. You see the thing is I'm always lending stuff out and I'm just too busy to keep track of it so I need someone to do it for me "
Barbara
"Ok, no offence , but who the hell is going to want to borrow a jam jar with a paint brush and white spirit in it "
Mr Brown
"Artists"
Barbara
"Artists?"
Barbara
"Yeah artists, you know, people who enter the Turner Prize"
Barbara
"Get many Turner prize artists in your street do you?"
Mr Brown
"Well you know that artist that won the Turner prize with her unmade bed?"
Barbara
"Tracey Emin?"
Mr Brown
"Yeah, Tracey Emin, well there's a couple of students living down the road and in the 2 years they've ben there I've never once seen their duvet covers on the washing line. Not once."
Barbara
"But you're not seriously going to pay someone to do this "
Mr Brown
"That was the intention, do you think I'm asking too much?"
Barbara
"Too much?"
Barbara mutters "Jesus"under her breath and starts shaking her head in amazement
Mr Brown
"Ok , well as a sweetener there will also be an element of outreach attached to the role, you know getting out and about, meeting clients"
Barbara
"Which is?"
Mr Brown
"Basically getting the lawnmower back from the neighbours"
Barbara
"And how long will that take ?"
Mr Brown
"About 10 minutes, well 15 minutes if they also borrow the strimmers"
Barbara
"And how often will I be doing this?"
Mr Brown
"About twice a month."
Barbara
"Twice a month ?"
Mr Brown
"Yeah but it may go up to 3 times a month in high summer but I wanted you to get a feel for the job first before dropping that bombshell but I'll give you time off in lieu every minute you go over"
Barbara
"But even if it goes up to 3 times a month it'll still mean for the rest of the month I'll be stuck in this shed, twiddling my thumbs ,having completed the job you recruited me for by the end of Jeremy Kyle on the first day"
Mr Brown
"Well that's not going to work is it ?"
Barbara
"No it isn't and I'm glad you see it from my point of view "
Mr Brown
"Yeah I've tried hooking up a TV set in here and even with a booster the reception is woeful. I think it's something to do with the church we back onto"
Barbara
"What?"
Mr Brown
"Jeremy Kyle? I'm afraid you won't be able to watch it in here "
Barbara
"Ok, let's just leave it there shall we , thank you for seeing me today and I admit being on benefits and having a chance to earn 30k a year was very tempting but maybe I should have realised it was pro rata"
Mr Brown
"What does that mean?"
Barbara
"What "
Mr Brown
"The thing you said, the pro rota thing"
Barbara
"Pro Rata?"
Mr Brown
"Yeah "
Barbara
"It means the advertised salary for the role is based on working full time and if it's only part time you get a fraction of that salary. In this instance it will probably be about 30 quid"
Mr Brown
"Right. Ok. I've never heard of that , all sounds a bit complicated to me that's why I just said 30k"
Barbara is about to leave and then the penny drops
Barbara
"So you've never come across pro rata and how it works , I mean so you wouldn't apply pro rata to a job that you are offering "
Mr Brown
"No, I'd never heard of it till you mentioned it , to be honest it sounds like I'd need a wages clerk to do all those calculations and I'm not sure I've got the budget for that. What with needing to fill this vacancy. Still now you mention it maybe I should re-advertise this role with additional duties. Anyway, I'm sorry the role wasn't for you , I wish you all the best with your future job search. I'm just sorry we couldn't get TV reception for you "
Barbara
"Do you know what, I've had a re-think and I would like to take the job if it' still available"
Mr Brown
"Really? What made you change your mind?"
Barbara
"I just think it will be a really good career move for me"
Mr Brown
"And you're not worried about missing Jeremy Kyle?"
Barbara
"That's what ITV Player is for"
Mr Brown
"That's the kind of attitude this company needs. Let's celebrate, I'll see if there's any homemade soup on the go. For a subsidised fee of course."
