Intercomedian Pilot

People are sitting in their designated seat in the plane. The plane has taken off and the seatbelt light shuts off. Everyone unbuckles and relaxes to the best of their ability. Flight attendants walk around to ask if anyone wants anything. (Intercom sounds, voice comes on over intercom) Pilot: Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. If anyone needs anything please ask one of the flight attendants. Just now you took off your seat belts, and I?m afraid we?re going to have to give you a ticket for no seat belt in a moving vehicle. For those of you that are uneducated, a seat belt can save somebody?s life. (The people are confused.) Pilot: I?m just messing with all of you. See, we like to have fun here while we are flying. (Intercom shuts off. People still a little confused, but go on with what they were previously doing.) (Intercom sounds) Pilot: If you look out your windows you?ll see an amazing view of the town. And if you look down you?ll see that we?re passing right over your mom?s house. (Few people whisper): What? Pilot: I?m just messing with you. We?re not actually flying over your mom?s house. See, we like to have fun here while flying. (Intercom shuts off. People annoyed but don?t say anything.) (Intercom sounds) Pilot: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, if you?d all turn your heads back you?ll see that the bathroom is currently occupied. This occupation is due to our airline being a member of the Mile High Club. For those of you near the back, we have some complimentary earmuffs because experiences have shown to be quite loud sometimes. (Intercom shuts off) (People start grumbling out loud in protest. The bathroom lock turns to open and a man walks out. People stare at him, some with disgust, but don?t say anything. Man notices but opts to keep his mouth shut.) (Intercom sounds) Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, there was only one person in the bathroom. I suggest checking the walls before taking care of business. (Intercom shuts off) Man: (angrily) Hey, I wasn?t jerking off! I was doing what any other person does when they?re in the bathroom! (Intercom sounds) Pilot: (snickering) You walked into that one all by yourself bud. (Silence for a few seconds) I?m just messing with you. See, we like to have fun while flying. Man: (still angry) Yeah, well you have a messed up sense of fun! Pilot: No I don?t. Man: Yes, you do. Pilot: Prove it. Man: How the hell am I supposed to prove it? Pilot: If you can?t prove it then you?re the one with a messed up sense of fun. Man: That doesn?t even make sense! Pilot: Exactly. See, I?m messing with you. We like to have fun here while flying. (Intercom shuts off. Man still angry but says nothing. Flight attendants sit in front of the plane and buckle their seat belts. They take out cameras. Plane hits turbulence and people hold onto their seat and try to buckle their seat belts. Throughout whole turbulence the seat belt light stays off. Turbulence ends.) (Intercom sounds) Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who like to keep memorabilia for things they did in life, feel free to buy a picture of you holding on for dear life in turbulence. See, we like to have fun here while flying. (Intercom shuts off) (People start speaking out loud of their complaints. If not for the fact that they were high up in the sky they?d get up and leave. They settle down. The intercom stays silent until it?s nighttime. People recline their chairs and go to sleep. Loud alarm wakes everyone up. Oxygen masks fall down in front of everyone.) (Intercom sounds) Pilot: Mayday, mayday. Everyone, please, stay calm. We are going down. Brace for impact because we are about to crash. I repeat, brace for impact we?re about to crash. (People start screaming, crying, and calling their loved ones to say goodbye. Distress is on everyone?s faces except the flight attendants. Alarm turns off and oxygen masks are retracted.) Pilot: I?m just messing with you. We?re not about to crash. See, we like to have fun here while flying. (Intercom shuts off) People: (angrily) That?s not right! You?re one messed up human being! You?re lucky none of us had a heart attack! You?re lucky we can?t sue you! We?re never flying with you or your airline again! (People go back to sleep after they calm down. By the time they wake up they?re at their destination. People are happy to get off the plane.) (Intercom sounds) Pilot: Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. We have reached our destination. I repeat, we have reached our destination. Please grab all of your luggage on the plane and inside the building. Thank you for flying with our airline and we hope to see you all fly with us again. People: (whisper) Not likely. Pilot: While you were sleeping, we drew dicks on all your faces with a black sharpie. See, we like to have fun here while flying. (Intercom shuts off)