EXT.-APARTMENT DOOR-NIGHT
NORM and LINDA are kissing passionately in front of the door. LINDA stops.
LINDA
Wait, wait, let me get the keys.
NORM
Well, hurry up.
LINDA (unlocks the door)
And remember, I live with my sister and her boyfriend, so you have to be quiet. They’re probably already asleep, but just in case they’re not.
NORM (walks in after LINDA)
Right, right.
LINDA (giggles after NORM touches her)
Stop it. Over here is my room, in which I do a lot of various activities.
NORM
I can only imagine.
LINDA (entering the room)
Ah, shit.
NORM
What’s up baby?
LINDA
My sister’s sleeping in here. Quick, hide in the closet.
NORM ( enters the closet)
Hello closet.
LINDA (picks up her SISTER)
Sis, come on, you have to go to your room.
LINDA walks her SISTER by the closet and NORM is visible under dim lights. SISTER sees him.
SISTER
Hiya, stranger.
NORM smiles uncomfortably. LINDA and SISTER leave the room. NORM jumps on bed and smiles.
NORM
Come on baby, let’s seal the deal.
NORM is by himself for couple of minutes, he gets nervous, looks at his watch, hits it with his middle finger.
NORM
Well, I’ll be damned.
NORM exits the room slowly. He goes to the living room. He sticks his head behind the wall and sees a GUY watching TV. HE hides behind the wall.
NORM
Ah, shit.
NORM slowly looks again and GUY doesn’t move. GUY seems drunk. NORM slowly enters the living room and looks at TV. There is no signal and screen is covered in white and black dots.
NORM
What you watching here buddy.
GUY doesn't respond. He has a blank look in his eyes. NORM moves hand in front of his face. Guy doesn’t follow the hand movement.
NORM
Damn dude, what are you on?
NORM goes to the other bedroom and sees LINDA and SISTER sleeping. He moves his hand to wake LINDA up, but decides not to.
NORM (hesitating)
Ah man.
NORM takes a blanket and covers LINDA’s legs. He goes back to the living room. He gets a cell phone out and calls a friend.
NORM
Listen dude, can you come pick me up? That girl fell asleep. No, I don’t know where the hell am I, she drove, remember? I don’t know how you can find me. Well, I guess you’re right. All right, all right I’ll stay the night. There is no reason to worry. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye dude.
NORM hangs up the phone. He sits next to the GUY in sofa. He takes the remote.
NORM
Are you watching this? You wouldn’t mind if I changed the channel, right?
GUY doesn't respond.
NORM
That’s what I thought.
NORM changes the channel. He notices GUY holds a photo in his hand. He carefully takes a photo out of GUY’s hand.
NORM
What’s this?
GUY
It’s me and my buddy.
NORM (scared)
Jesus Christ man, you scared the hell out of me.
GUY
Yes, yes, me and my buddy.
NORM
But this is Charlie Sheen.
GUY (locks two fingers and shows it to NORM)
Me and Charlie are like this.
NORM
This is fake. It’s been photoshoped.
GUY
What makes you say that?
NORM
Ah, come on man, you guys are hugging on the beach and he’s wearing a bikini?
GUY
So what, Charlie is not cool enough for a bikini?
NORM
But he’s got boobs.
GUY (takes the picture back)
Let me see that. Oh, yeah that’s a photo shop. You’re right.
NORM
And he’s got a tattoo on his forehead. What does it say; Nebuchadnezzar?
GUY (thinking)
Damn dude, that is one big fucking forehead.
NORM
So you don’t really know Charlie?
GUY
I didn’t say that. Did I say that?
NORM
Well no, but…
GUY
Let me tell you how am I related to Charlie. My buddy’s wife knows a girl whose nephew hangs out with a guy who is Charlie’s limo driver’s brother. There you go bud, beat that.
NORM
Damn you’re like celebrity.
GUY
Hear, hear.
NORM
Nebuchadnezzar? What does that even mean?
GUY
Oh, that’s just the password.
NORM
What password?
GUY
Shhh, dude. I need to shut my eyes for a while, relax my body. I’m tired, I’ve been chasing that squirrel all day long.
NORM
What the hell are you talking about?
GUY doesn't respond. He puts his arm around NORM and goes to sleep.
NORM (tries to move hand back, but gives up)
Ah, what the hell.
NORM takes a remote and goes through channels. Soon he yawns and goes to sleep.
NORM wakes up. Across the table from him DONALD is sitting in a chair. A laptop and a briefcase are on the table. GUY is sleeping in NORM’s lap. NORM moves the GUY up in a sitting position. GUY doesn’t wake up.
NORM
This is not what it looks like, ok?
DONALD
Please Mr. Dickinson, we know you’re one sick son of a bitch, that’s why we like you.
NORM
My name is not Mr…
DONALD
Dickinson? We know that too. Nobody knows your real name, nobody knows what you look like, heck nobody even knows if you really exist Mr. Dickinson. But one thing we know is you sure make a lot of money for somebody whose existence is questionable. You Mr. Dickinson are the best in business.
NORM
I’m glad to hear that. And what business are we talking about?
DONALD
Ha ha, the spy business of course. Don’t take me for idiot Mr. Dickinson. I work for the organization that is very secretive.
NORM
How secretive it really is?
DONALD
It’s so secretive that not a single member knows they even belong to the organization.
NORM
That actually doesn’t make sense.
DONALD
Please Mr. Dickinson, and your little play does? Who is that guy sleeping next to you? Is he the real you?
NORM
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
DONALD
Luckily we don’t have that much time. I’m here to conclude business as negotiated. We've got the package, and we need the password. Your money is in the briefcase. As soon as you give me the password I’ll verify it, and you can count your money.
NORM
How much money are we talking about?
DONALD
One million dollars of course.
NORM (laughing)
You guys are hilarious, this here drunk was chasing a squirrel today, you walk around with briefcases full of money, let me tell you man, this is one fucked up family.
DONALD opens up the briefcase. NORM suddenly stops laughing.
NORM
On second thought, let’s finish the deal.
DONALD
Password, please.
NORM
It’s Nebuchadnezzar. It’s spelled…
DONALD
I know how it’s spelled. Thank you very much.
DONALD types the password in the computer. After a couple of seconds, he is all smiles.
DONALD
And we’re good. Thank you Mr. Dickinson. I would shake your hand, but I don’t know where it’s been.
NORM
Fair enough.
DONALD
Good bye Mr. Dick Dickinson, sir. It was pleasure doing business with you.
NORM
The pleasure is mutual. Should I count the money?
DONALD
You can count it, recount it, spread it over the floor, whatever you want. I’m out of here.
DONALD exits the apartment.
NORM
That was awkward. Hm, what do you think Mr. sleepy head, should I count the money. No, ok? I’ll just take the briefcase and I’ll be off. Thank you for a pleasurable evening, and morning, I’m out.
LINDA enters the living room.
LINDA
You’re welcome.
NORM
What, don’t tell me you’re Mr. Dickinson. That is brilliant, everybody is assuming you’re a guy and you’re actually a sweet innocent girl.
LINDA (in male voice)
No, not really.
NORM
What, you’re a guy. I was kissing the shit out of you last night. That is not right man, setting me up like that.
GUY (still asleep)
Not right at all man.
LINDA
Well get over it.
NORM
Man, why the hell do they call you Dick Dickinson?
LINDA
What do you think?
NORM (looks at LINDA’s crotch)
What? No, that is sick. I want half of the money. You left me emotionally crippled.
LINDA
You’re getting 100 dollars.
NORM
What the fuck. 100 dollars. That is some bullshit.
LINDA
We can always go with the plan B.
NORM
What is plan B?
LINDA
Plan B involves silent death with a weapon of your choice.
NORM
Wait, wait, let’s review plan A again.
LINDA
There is no time for that. Mr. Charlie here and his wife will wake up pretty soon. That drug I gave them is wearing thin. I’d rather not be here when that happens.
NORM
Wait, who are they anyway?
LINDA
Just some people I choose randomly. Somebody who will help me finish the deal. And you my friend I had to look for. I had to make sure to look for a total loser, somebody who lives with his parents and doesn’t have a car. You played your role perfectly. I thank you for that.
NORM
I thank you for not calling me a loser.
LINDA
Good bye Mr. Norm. You’ll be able to tell your kids one day that once upon time you crossed path with famous Mr. D. There’s your 100 dollars.
LINDA exits the apartment with the briefcase. There is 100 dollars left on the table.
NORM
Yeah, yeah, very funny motherfucker. Tell my kids what? How can a spy be famous? If he is, he’s not a very good spy.
GUY
True that.
NORM
Shit. I forgot about you. Time to go. Say hello to Mr. Sheen for me.
GUY
Will do.
NORM takes the money and exits the apartment.
