RESTAURANT CRITIC
By Colton Toews
June 25, 2018
CAST:
MARCELLUS BERNARD - 30s, fancy, French accent, male
WAITER - 20s, dirty uniform, messy hair, Italian accent, male
CHEF - 30s, dirty chef outfit, messy hair, Italian accent, male
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(MARCELLUS BERNARD sits at a table in a restaurant. WAITER walks to him.)
WAITER
So, uh, you’re the big fancy critic guy huh? Look pal we don’t care who you are or what your deal is, just order and get out after alright.
MARCELLUS BERNARD
(impressed)
Yes, Marcellus Bernard is the name. This is quite the cozy restaurant, the dead cockroaches and dust in the entrance gives it a sort of decadence more akin to that of a Duchamp sculpture.
WAITER
Alright, whatever. An order of cold Kraft Dinner coming right up with hot water to drink.
MARCELLUS BERNARD
Magnifique!
(WAITER leaves and returns with a red solo cup of water, and Kraft Dinner in a paper bowl.)
WAITER
There you go, you mutt.
(WAITER leaves. MARCELLUS BERNARD eats Kraft Dinner with a fork.)
MARCELLUS BERNARD
What a truly incredible sensation this meal gives me. It is as if Marie Antoinette herself has swooped from the heavens and blessed my tongue!
(MARCELLUS BERNARD drinks glass of water.)
MARCELLUS BERNARD (CONT’D)
This holy liquid… I feel as though I have sipped from the sweet nectar of Louis Alphonse’s chin! Magnifique! Magnifique!
(WAITER returns.)
WAITER
Is that everything? I hope it is. Tired of looking at ya…
MARCELLUS BERNARD
Good gentlemen, I would greatly appreciate your most fantastique dessert. And if possible, I would adore speaking with your Chef.
WAITER
I oughta knock you out, making me do all this extra work. Jeez, but I’ll get him. Whatever.
(WAITER leaves and returns with CHEF).
CHEF
Our finest dessert for a mister who-cares-what-your-name-is.It’s a cup of 3 month old whip-cream.
(CHEF places the dessert on the table. MARCELLUS BERNARD eats it.)
MARCELLUS BERNARD
It is as if God has cut a slice of heaven and places it upon my tongue! The way the bacteria coates my gums and teeth, truly, I have never been in such ecstasy. Thank you miseur!
CHEF
I spit in it…
MARCELLUS BERNARD
Salty! Incredible!
CHEF
You’re exhausting. I’m so tired of this rathole. I’m gonna burn it to the ground.
WAITER
Ya know what, I’ll join ya on that idea.
(CHEF and WAITER leave. A fire alarm rings in the background. The room fills completely with smoke.)
MARCELLUS BERNARD
(coughing)
This smoke… is truly incredible. What a beautiful… atmosphere… it is as if I am… dining in the mind… of Mother Mary herself… this is the best restaurant… I have ever been to… Magnifique! Magnifique!
CUT TO BLACK
THE END
