Secret Santa R M Johnson and sons are having their Christmas party at their head office and invite all staff from the outlying offices to attend. Mark, Denise and Joe from one of the offices are attending and have just done their secret Santa for their respective office and Denise, Mark's manager does not look pleased
Mark
"What's up?"
Denise (abrupt)
"What?"
Mark
"What's the matter? You don't look very happy"
Denise
"Did you get a secret santa gift?"
Mark
"Yes"
Denise
"Are you happy with it ?"
Mark
"Well it's the thought that counts isn't it"
Denise
"What did you get ?"
Mark
"Some golf tees in a glass and a metal scraper for getting mud out of your golf shoes"
Denise
"Do you even play golf"
Mark (dead pan )
"No"
Denise
"See that's what I'm talking about, people are running Secret santa"
Mark (puzzled)
"Really?"
Denise
"People just buy the first thing that comes to mind, there's no thought or effort put into it"
Mark
"That's a bit harsh, golf trinkets are on the second floor of the department store in town and the lift is broke"
Denise
"Yes but it shows they don't know much about you"
Mark
"Well the names are drawn at random so you always run the risk of getting someone you don't know very well"
Denise
"Well they should know, look what I got"
Denise holds up a chocolate reindeer
Denise
"Look at this, a chocolate reindeer"
Mark
"Well it's festive"
Denise
"Yes but I don't eat dairy products, how can they not know I don't eat dairy"
Mark
"Maybe they never see you eating"
Denise
"But I don't drink tea or coffee"
Mark
"Ok, but not the greatest example of someone who doesn't eat dairy, Joe doesn't drink tea or coffee and he's always stuffing his face with cheese straws"
Denise
"See you know that about Joe but how come they don't know I don't eat dairy"
Mark
"Well I sit next to Joe every day"
Denise
"So you'd know what to get Joe"
Mark (hesitant)
"Err, I guess so"
Denise
"So what would you get me? Hypothetically"
Mark
"Well, hypothetically, obviously it wouldn't be anything with dairy in it"
Denise
"We've established that, so ..."
Mark
"Ok, probably something that you can use , obviously something that you'd appreciate"
Denise (pushing Mark for an answer)
"Such as..........."
Mark
"A pen?"
Denise
"A pen? So if someone said to you, you have to choose an item from any shop in the entire world to sum me up, you'd chose a pen"
Mark (hesitant)
"err............probably yeah"
Denise
"And how would you arrive at buying a pen, based on my personality?"
Mark
"Because you like writing"
Denise (annoyed)
"How do you know I like writing?"
Mark
"Well you work in an office"
Denise
"That doesn't mean I like writing"
Mark
"Alright then I would have got you a stapler"
Denise
"So what you're saying is that when you see me the first thing about is a stationary product"
Mark
"No. That's not true. The first thing I think of when I see you is that I must have done something wrong"
Denise
"Well you're right because you have done something wrong"
Mark
"What? Hypothetically wrong for buying you something that I didn't actually buy you"
Denise
"Yes but you did"
Mark
"What?"
Denise
"You bought me the secret Santa"
Mark
"But you just said you didn't get a pen or a stapler"
Denise
"No but you bought the chocolate reindeer"
Mark
"No I didn't"
Denise
"Look, Mark, there's 4 people in our office , I didn't buy it, by your own admission you said you work side by side Joe so you'd know what to buy him and Keith said he wasn't taking part in secret Santa as he didn't want anything to do with the"fucking pagans". So that just leaves you"
Mark
"But I just told you I would have got you a stapler or a pen"
Denise
"Yeah but that was bluff to cover for the fact that you were guilty"
Mark
"Oh Jesus, it's only a 5 pound present"
Denise
"So why didn't you confess?"
Mark (shouting)
"Because it's supposed to be a secret, that's the whole fucking idea"
Denise
"There's no need to shout"
Mark
"Ok but the whole idea is that it's supposed to be a secret , I'm not going to tell you what I've bought for you as it would spoil the surprise"
Denise
"Well it was a surprise"
Mark
"Ok well I'm sorry you didn't like it and I'm sorry that I don't know you enough to buy you something you might like, it's a very stressful time of the year, I'm busy every day, we're under a lot of pressure to perform, I'll be honest I didn't think when I bought it. I'm sorry"
Denise feels a tad guilty at giving Mark a hard time
Denise
"Maybe I could meet you half way"
Mark
"How do you mean"
Denise
"Well I sit upstairs, away from everyone else all day every day, it's no wonder you known very little about me. Maybe in the new year I'll move downstairs, I should get to know you guys a bit more"
Mark
"Well we may not have much in common but it'll certainly help when it comes to secret Santa next year"
Denise and Mark laugh, there's a long pause where no one says anything, both enjoying the amusing moment
Denise
"It's 10 pounds"
Mark
"Sorry ?"
Denise
"It's 10 pounds though"
Mark
"What is?"
Denise
"The budget for the secret Santa"
Mark
"So?"
Denise
"You just said it was a 5 pound present"
Mark
"Did I?"
Denise
"Yes you did"
Mark
"Ok, I don't know, 5 pounds , 10 pounds..."
Denise
"But you said you only paid 5 pounds"
Mark
"No I didn't, I said a 5 pound present, i.e a throw away remark, meaning it's a limited budget present , it's not going to cost the earth"
Denise
"No, you're not you're saying that for a 10 pound budget present you only spent 5 pounds, so what did you do with the rest"
Mark
"The rest of what?"
Denise
"The budget, what did you spend it on"
Mark
"Nothing"
Denise
"So not only do you buy someone a poor present but spent less than you should, that's unforgiveable"
Mark
"Unforgiveable? Well what do you care? You don't like it, you're not going to eat it, what difference does it make to you?
Denise
"It's the principle, the fact that everyone else has spent the entire budget on their presents"
Mark
"I don't know that , you could have got mine or Joe's for a few quid off the market for all we know, and besides .........."
The penny suddenly drops
Mark
"How would you know how much the reindeer costs?"
Denise
"Excuse me?"
Mark
"You don't eat dairy products , you make such a fuss over my gift, a gift you'll never eat and yet you know how much it costs. I wouldn't be surprised if after here, after a few drinks you go home and demolish that reindeer.You' re sick.
Mark walks off
Denise (shouting after Mark)
"I'm not sick I just like secret Santa done right"
