An internationally famous young actor has called a press conference to discuss rumors circulating in the media recently regarding his sexuality Carl
"For the last few months there have been a number of stories relating to my sexuality, in my position you expect there to be interest in every aspect of your life but recently there seems to be more attention on who i sleep with rather than the quality of my performances or the films i have made. I thought that this issue would simply blow over but the frequency of articles written on this subject seem to be getting more and more so it seems the only way both myself and my family can move forward to address this issue head on so in answer to the question that keeps getting asked, I don't get any........"
(there's a rumbling of mumurs )
Reporter 1
"You mean you don't have sex with men?"
Carl
"I mean i just don't have sex"
Reporter 1
"So you're celibate?"
Carl
"No i just don't get any"
(There's gasps of amazement amongst the throng of reporters)
Reporter 2
"But you're famous"
Carl
"I know, right?"
Reporter 2
"You are joking?
Carl
"No"
Reporter 2 (wary)
"So when was the last time you had sex"
(Carl contemplates the question posed but says nothing)
Reporter 3
"A month ?"
(Silence)
"Two?"
(Silence)
"Three?"
(silence )
"Six?"
(more silence)
"A year?"
(Still silence )
Carl
"Why have you stopped?"
( theres laughter and continued bemusement amongst the reporters)
Reporter 1
" So when was the last time you had sex?"
Carl
"Erm, when was the football world cup ?"
Reporter 3
"2014"
Carl
"Yep, because i remember going to a match whilst promoting a movie in Cologne"
Reporter 3
"Sorry , you went to a world cup match and were also in Germany?"
Carl
"Yeah the stadium wasn't far from the hotel"
Reporter 3
"But the last world cup was in Brazil"
Carl
"It was definately a world cup game in Germany"
Reporter 3
"That would make it 2006"
Carl
"2006? wow, time certainly flies doesn't it ?"
Reporter 1
"This is all a lot of fun but you don't seriously expect us to believe someone of your fame and wealth has not had sex for nearly 10 years"
Carl
"It's the truth"
Reporter 1
"Ok, assuming you are telling the truth, why do you think you haven't had sex for so long?"
Carl
"I don't know maybe people don't fancy me"
Reporter 2
"ok but our newspaper voted you"Most Fancible Male"3 years in a row"
Carl
"No one told me"
Reporter 3
"You attended the awards ceremony"
Carl
"I did? I'll be honest it's hard to keep track of all these award ceremonies ,"Academy Awards","Best Haircut"
Reporter 3
"You didn't win best haircut"
Carl
"Oh."
Reporter 3
"That was Michael Bolton"
Carl (nonchalant)
"A worthy winner"
Reporter 1
"So what is your sexual orientation?"
Carl
"Excuse me?"
Reporter 1
"Do you fancy men or women?"
Carl
"To be honest it's such a long time that i can't remember"
Reporter 1
"Oh come on you must know what you find attractive"
Carl
"Yeah but the question is do they?"
Reporter 1
"So you're saying that your sexual preference depends on wether someone finds you attractive on any given day"
Carl
"Isn't that the same for everyone?"
Reporter 1
"Not really, I'm heterosexual , if someone of the same sex was attracted to me i wouldn't sleep with them as I'm straight"
Carl
"Even if they had a nice personality?"
Reporter 1
"That wouldnt change anything"
Carl
"Must be a nice position to be in, turning down offers of sex"
Reporter 1
"Well I'm married so it's irrelevant"
Carl
"Must be nice to be married"
Reporter 3
"Are you saying you want to get married ?"
Carl
"Well one step at a time, i mean you wouldn't ask to be a manager of McDonald's when you haven't even learnt how to flip burgers, irrespective of their successful fast track apprenticeship scheme"
Reporter 1
"So you're saying you've forgotten how to have sex"
Carl
"I wouldn't say that , my dvd collection helps me to remember. It's more like i can remember how to ride a bike but my bike has been nicked"
Porter1
"Have you considered online dating?
Carl
"I have but when you're the only person on the dating site legitimately using a photo of a good looking celebrity it's easy to get ignored"
Reporter 2
"Can your freinds not set you up with someone ?"
Carl
"I don't really see them anymore"
Reporter 2
"Because of your busy schedule?"
Carl
"No, more to do with an odd number , you can't really play tennis with five people?"
Reporter 3
"You could start a band"
Carl
"Five people in a band doesn't really work , i mean look at the Beatles"
Reporter 3
"But there were only four in the Beatles"
Carl
"Of course there were"
(Reporter 1 is on the phone , he breaks off his conversation )
Reporter 1
"Carl my sister Daisy is on the phone and she'd like to go out with you"
Carl
"Your sister?"
Reporter 1
"Yeah she'd like to know if you'd like to go for dinner tonight?
Carl
"How does she know? I mean i thought this wasn't going out live"
Reporter 1
"It isn't , I just tweeted"
Carl
" You just tweeted? Wow, i came here to quash stories about my sexuality but my sexualiity is still the news"
Reporter 1
"Well yeah that's how the media works and besides it's your fault"
Reporter 1
"My fault? How is it my fault?"
Reporter 1
"Well you should have said you were straight and we'd have gone away"
Carl
"Really?"
Reporter 1
"Of course, when was the last time you saw a front page of a tabloid carrying a story about a celebrity in a loving, non cheating, monogamous relationship"
Carl
"That's true, so what are you going to write about me?"
Reporter 1
"You'll find out soon enough"
The pack of reporters begin to leave
Carl
"No wait.. wait.. I am straight. Really, really straight. Look at my face. Look how miserable I am , I haven't had sex in 10 years.......
Reporter 2 (shouting back as he leaves)
"We know that"
Carl (shouting)
"Arguing, i love arguing in town centres so everyone can hear and turning my back on my previous exemplary good taste in music and watching X Factor every Saturday night. I mean how much more fucking straight do you want me to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
