STEVE vs BUDDY
FADE IN:
INT.- MALONEY?S IRISH PUB- DAY
BUDDY sits at the bar, drinking beer from unmarked bottle. His friend STEVE enters the bar.
BUDDY
What the hell happened to you, you look like shit.
STEVE
Ah, nothing much, I lost my job couple of weeks ago and... oh yeah I remember, my wife also left me.
BUDDY
So I heard. Let?s get you a beer and you can tell me all about it. Sal, give us our favorite.
BARTENDER
Your favorite being . . .?
BUDDY
You?re not Sal. Where is Sal?
BARTENDER
He left already, what beer do you want?
STEVE sits down.
STEVE
A cold one, and hurry up, I really need it.
BUDDY
And make it a cheap one, we?re not exactly from Wall Street.
BARTENDER brings two unmarked bottles.
STEVE takes a sip and enjoys aftertaste.
BUDDY
She finally got fed up with you.
STEVE
I guess.
BUDDY
Don?t be depressed, in my opinion there wasn?t any passion in your relationship anyway.
STEVE
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
BUDDY
Well, let me ask you this, what is the weirdest place you guys have ever made love at?
STEVE
Our bed, I guess.
BUDDY
(laughing)
Your bed?
STEVE
Yes, our fucking bed, what?s so funny about it?
STEVE (CONTINUED)
What am I supposed to do, climb her on a fucking tree and do her up there in order for you to be satisfied. There is nothing wrong with being normal.
BUDDY
Hey you?re the one doing all the yelling.
STEVE
I?m sick of people like you, you?re one of those ?I told you so? guys, but only after the shit hits the fan is that you say it. It doesn?t matter anyway. All of this is going to change soon.
BUDDY
I sense some big words coming out of you.
STEVE
Well, you know how they say, a smart guy learns from someone else?s mistakes, a stupid guy learns from his own, and an idiot never learns. Now I might be stupid but I?m not an idiot.
BUDDY
Hm, have you ever blamed your wife or your kid for something they were not responsible for?
STEVE
What do you mean?
BUDDY
Well, let?s say you blame your kid because you don?t have enough time for your side projects, for example you wanted to hit the gym in order to get back in shape, or you wanted to get some yoga classes or whatever. You never admit it to your wife or anybody, but deep in yourself you think that your family is stopping you from realizing your dream of becoming a better person.
STEVE
Ok, go on.
BUDDY
Did it ever occur to you that before your kid and your wife you had plenty of time but you never used it for such things.
STEVE
What?s your point?
BUDDY
My point is that we?re all idiots, given enough time. There is nothing we really learn in life which we won?t forget tomorrow, and then learn it again with strange feeling of d?j? vu.
STEVE
Hm,I?m always happy to hear one of your useless advices. I feel better already, thank you Buddy, my buddy.
BUDDY
You?re very welcome.
STEVE and BUDDY spontaneously drink another sip of beer, and enjoy the aftertaste while looking at the bottle.
BUDDY
What was the official reason for leaving you?
STEVE
She said that she believes I was cheating on her.
BUDDY
(laughing)
So, you have nothing to worry about.
STEVE
Why the hell are you laughing, when was the last time you had sex?
BUDDY
Last month I was this close, and this month not so much, long story. Where did she go?
STEVE
She?s going to stay at her mother?s for three months.
BUDDY
So let me get this straight; for the crime you did not commit, she sentenced you to three months of freedom. That?s not a bad deal if you ask me.
STEVE
(almost crying)
I don?t think she is coming back Bud. Not in three months, not ever.
BUDDY
Oh, come on, she?ll be back as soon as you find another job. You know for somebody for has been married for so long you don?t know much about women. But I can understand your pain, your wife is a beautiful girl.
STEVE
What did you say?
BUDDY
Nothing man, I?m just saying that your wife is a good looking girl. That?s all I?m saying.
STEVE
That better be all you?re saying.
BUDDY
Calm down, I know exactly how you?re feeling. Remember that girl I used to like, Tara?
STEVE
Oh, yeah you never told me what happened between you guys. What did she do to you?
BUDDY
I?m gonna tell you right now, so you don?t think you?re the only one with problems. Remember how I just to scare her all the time, jumping behind the curtain and all that other weird shit. Apparently all that excitement made her horny like a rabbit, so one day I decided to scare the living shit out of her.
STEVE
She was cheating on you?
BUDDY
I had the keys to her apartment, so one day I decided to hide inside just before she was supposed to get of work. Well, when I got to the door, I realized she was already inside and she wasn?t alone.
STEVE
Like I said she was cheating on you.
BUDDY
Will you stop interrupting me? I managed to get inside in a complete silence. Well there was some girl, a friend of hers in there, and they were checking out some website, one of those dating sites and I could hear them giggling and talking. It took me a while to figure it all out and stay unnoticed at the same time. Her friend was looking at some pictures and obviously she couldn?t decide so Tara was helping her. They finally picked a guy, or so I thought, and then her friend said something that confused me for a moment. ?What about the guy that is attached to it?? she asked. Tara told her not to worry too much and that she?ll meet him at the date. That?s when I finally realized it. They were looking at the pictures of penises man, human penises. There were no faces on this website, you date a penis, and if a guy must come with it, so be it, but you have to do a penis, or you?re no longer a member. And judging from a look of things Tara was in the VIP section already. I run out of that place like a thousand bees were behind me. I never called her again. I was depressed for so long my friend.
STEVE
Now you know how they feel when we look at their naked bodies.
BUDDY
That?s it?
STEVE
I beg your pardon.
BUDDY
That?s all you have to say? No hang in there my friend, or that lying cheating bitch. Your whole reaction to my story is some stupid philosophical sentence that is supposed to make me feel better how? I mean what the hell man? I just told you some of my darkest secrets and you don?t give a damn.
STEVE
Now, you?re the one doing all the yelling.
BUDDY
(calms down)
You know sometimes I wonder how we managed to stay friends for so long, we?re nothing alike.
STEVE
It?s the beer I think.
BUDDY
You?re right. Sal! Another round.
