"THE PACKAGE" byCindy K. Mackey
Copyright ? Cindy Mackey, 2010.
Cast of Characters:
Terry..............Manager of "Mail Etcetera" (peppy personality)
Jon.........Businessman in his forties. (dark and somewhat gloomy)
Tina....................Employee of "Mail Etcetera"
INT. PACKAGING STORE - AFTERNOON
A man (Terry)in his thirties is behind the counter watchingSpongebob on a laptop. Above the counter, a banner reads:?Mail Etcetera Grand Opening? (big letters) America'sfastest growing franchise? (small letters).
Terry laughs.
A woman come in from the back
room(Tina).
TINA
I'm going on break. You want anything?
He laughs at the show.
TERRY
This is my favorite episode! I just love slide whistles...
Tina rolls her eyes and exits.
Terry laughs again at the show.
A man (Jon) wearing business clothes
walks in. He is breathing heavily, his
hair is a mess. He looks paranoid.
Terry frantically turns off the
DVD?causing papers to go flying and he
slips and falls.His face quickly appears above the
counter.
TERRY
May I help you?
JON
Yeah. (beat) I need to get something out of the country.
TERRY
Of course! (pointing to the banner above his head) See thesign? MAIL Etcetera! That's what we do! We mail things...and, you know, etcetera!
JON
Wonderful. Can you get it off today?
TERRY
(looking at watch and hesitating) Uh...of course! Of course!No problem!
JON
You sure? It's almost five...
TERRY
Five o'clock? (chuckles) Our day is just beginning! You see,sir, WE at Mail Etcetera are on the move 24 hours a day, 365days a year! We deliver any time, any where! Satisfactionguarantee!
JON
(to self) Any time, anywhere...
TERRY
Satisfaction guaranteed!
Terry has a frozen grin on his face.
The men stare at each other for a beat.
JON
I'll be right back.
Jon exits and Terry watches him go. He
shrugs, thinking Jon isn't returning.
He starts to watch spongebob again when
Jon walks in with what is obviously a
dead body wrapped in a yellow sheet.
TERRY
Oh my god!
Terry looks in a panic.Jon drops the package down on the
floor, face up.Terry rushes out from behind the
counter.
TERRY
(louder)Oh my god!
Terry looks over the package in a
panic.Jon is calmly glaring at terry.
TERRY
Oh! This is bad! This is very bad!
JON
(annoyed)What?
TERRY
I can't do this! There's just no way!
JON
(angry)Why not?
TERRY
Just look at it! It's a mess! (pointing at various points on
the package) The wrapping material is COMPLETELY wrong!
JON
I don't see anything wrong with it.
TERRY
Sir, I'm a professional. I can tell by just looking at it
that it's not water resistant...look! It's practically
falling off as we speak! (shaking head) There's no proper
stabilization...no handles... and these!(bending down and
grabbing on large breasts) They're all over the place! It
might get caught in one of the conveyor belts! This is justunacceptable!
Terry gets up and circles the body,
concerned.
TERRY
I don't even see an adequate place to stick the label!
JON
(pointing to place near bloodstain)What about there?
TERRY
(bends down and feels the stained area with two fingers) Whatis that, blood?
JON
(moving eyes suspiciously)I think it might be.
TERRY
Oh no! No! The anticoagulants in blood make it impossible forany adhesive to stabilize. The label will come right off godknows-where and we'll have to do the whole thing over again.(getting up) No! I can't send this off without implementing afew creative packaging tecniques. No question!
JON
Creative packaging? What's that?
TERRY
Creative packaging is a science devoted to discovering themost space-efficient, aerodynamic, cost-effective,
environmentally-friendly, attractive and practical modes ofcomputing a collection of subroutines with related
functionality.
JON
Jesus! How long is this going to take?
TERRY
Not to worry! I'm a trained professional! I'll have it donein no time!
JON
Fine. Just go ahead and do what you have to do. I just needto get out of here.
Terry goes to the back and grabs a roll
of tape, scissors and a box of
materials.Jon is fumbling in his pocket, takes
out a passport.
TERRY
Going on a trip?
JON
You could say that.
Terry puts his equipment down and grabs
for the body.
TERRY
I'll just get the sheet off and...
JON
NO!
Terry stops.
TERRY
But...
JON
No! (beat) You're just going to have to do what you do
without unrolling it, you got it? Just leave it the way itis.
TERRY
In the sheet.
JON
Yes. In the sheet.
TERRY
O.K.
JON
Alright.
Terry stares at the package for a beat.
TERRY
Well, I'll just put a layer of wrap on it and tape it up abit...just to stabilize it.
JON
That's fine.
Terry puts it in a large plastic bag.
It doesn't quite fit and so he spends
time bending and fumbling with it. He
finally gets it in and then begins
taping.In the process of taping, he drops the
head on the ground and it makes a
cracking sound.
TERRY
It'll cost extra, but I think you'll want some bubble wrap.
JON
Bubble wrap?
TERRY
Yes. Some of it seems to be a bit...fragile.
Jon looks at the item, sullen.
JON
Fragile? Yeah. You could say that.
Terry gets the bubble wrap and tapes.
JON
(mumbling to self and staring at the body) Fragile ...you better believe it! She was so fucking fragile I felt like I was walking on eggshells my whole fucking life!
Jon turns away from the body and lights a cigarette while Terry fumbles with the body and bubble wrap.
Jon looks into the audience and begins a soliloquy, of sorts.
JON
Do you know what it's like...notto be able to say a word or do anything without havingsomeone tell you how stupid and horrible you are?
As Terry fumbles with the wrap, the body suddenly begins choking Terry and they wrestle.
Throughout the rest of Jon's speech, Terry struggles with the body and bubble wrap.
JON
Icould come home and say that I just made a million dollars onsome real estate deal and...you know what I'd get?(puts up his hands like a puppet and talking in a whinyvoice) Nya! Nya! Nya! Why did you do this? Why did you dothat? You're so fucking stupid! (beat) Yeah! I'm stupid!I'm stupid for putting up with that shit for almost twentyyears!
Terry is on top the body but it is choking him. Terry grabs a large bag of styrofoam peanuts and pushes in on the head of the body--suffocating it.
The body eventually goes limp. again.
Terry gets up, hair and clothes now disheveled.
TERRY
Peanuts?
JON
(Turning around, looking at Terry) What?
TERRY
(grabbing the bag of peanuts) Styrofoam peanuts. To prevent it from moving in the box.
JON
Look, forget the box. Just slap a label on it and throw it
in the truck, OK?
TERRY
Are you sure? I can't guarantee that it won't get damaged in
transit.
JON
I don't think it's possible to damage it any more than it
already is.
TERRY
Well all right.
Terry goes behind the counter and grabs
sheets of paper and a pencil.
TERRY
Where's it going to? Have you got the address?
JON
You said you deliver anywhere?
TERRY
Anytime. Anywhere.
JON
I don't know the address...
TERRY
You said it's international, right? Wait! I'll get the book.
Terry grabs a large book and begins
flipping.
TERRY
O.K...
JON
Nevado Del Ruiz.
TERRY
Hmmm....is that a resort?
JON
(shaking head) A volcano.
Tery stops flipping and looks up.
TERRY
(outraged) We can't do that!
JON
Why not?
TERRY
...Not without having you sign a damage waiver form! God
knows what the heat will do to the wrapping! It's not made ofkryptonite, you know!
Terry takes out a form and hands it toJon, who initials it.
JON
That's fine. Is that it?
Terry continues looking in the book.
TERRY
I can't seem to find it here....but not to worry! I'll
google it. Let me ring you up.
Terry faces the computer screen to get
total price.
TERRY
Would you like it certified?
JON
No.
TERRY
Any insurance?
JON
No thank you.
TERRY
How about a greeting sticker? They're very popular,
especially with the ladies!
JON
I'll pass.
TERRY
All right...
TERRY
Oh! Because it's going out of the country, we'll just needyour initials here and here, which basically says that theparcel doesn't contain anything...you know, illegal.
JON
(suspicious) What do you mean, illegal?
TERRY
You know, invasive plants, poisonous snakes, piranhas...theusual.
JON
Oh.
Jon initials and hands it back to
Terry, who begins punching on a
computer to get the total.
TERRY
Let's see...you'll get the extra large international parcelrate....wrapping fee....no Extras... (beat) That'll be sevenhundred twenty two dollars and sixty five cents.
JON
What? That's outrageous!
TERRY
It's the live volcano fee. Tacks on an extra four hundred
dollars in helicopter insurance.
He takes out his wallet and counts his
money.
JON
I don't have enough cash.
TERRY
We take visa and mastercard!
JON
American Express?
Terry makes a mocking face.
JON
How about a check?
TERRY
(shaking head) We've had too many problems with personal
checks. Sorry.
JON
(angry) I can't believe this! Can't you make an exception?After all this?
TERRY
(shakes head) Sorry. Company policy. Too many bad people
out there trying to do bad things...one time, this woman cameand?
JON
(interrupting, very angry) Well this is outrageous! Why thefuck didn't you tell me this in the first place!
TERRY
There's a sign right here on the register.
JON
(angry) You?
Jon suddenly contains himself.
JON
Fine! You know what? (looking at package) You keep it,
then!
TERRY
Wait! You can't...
Jon grabs a box labeled ?fragile? from
the counter and throws it next to the
package (body). It makes a shattering
noise.
Jon walks to the exit.
TERRY
Why did you do that? Wha? (panicked) It wasn't insured!
JON
Fucking nutcase!
Jon exits.
Terry is outraged, and runs out from
behind the counter and looks out the
door.Tina enters.
TINA
I'm back!
TERRY
Call the police!
TINA
What? Why?
TERRY
That guy! He's crazy!
TINA
What happened?
TERRY
He threw down one of our parcels and broke the damned thing!I can't be responsible for that!
TINA
Oh my god! I'm calling 911 right now!
Tina goes behind the counter and calls.
Terry is standing there, fretting over
the fallen box, which is right next to
the package (body).
TERRY
(shaking his head) What is going ON with people nowadays?
He picks up the box and shakes it and
we hear a shattering sound.
TERRY
Isn't there any human decency left in the world?
THE END.
