A desk. A bright angle poise lamp. Nazi Oberleutnant BELL is interrogating British Major HODKINSON.
OBER: Where is it?
MAJOR: Where?s what?
OBER: Don?t play dumb with me, Major Hodkinson. We now have everything we need to bring things to a swift conclusion. Everything that is, except one vital ingredient.
MAJOR: Uh-huh.
OBER: Flour.
MAJOR: Sorry, flour?
OBER: That is what I said. Flour.
MAJOR: And why do you want flour?
OBER: Being as you will never leave this place alive I will tell you. Chancellor Hitler?s recurring dream of eating a fluffy cupcake off Prime Minister Churchill?s bottom will soon be realized.
MAJOR: I see.
OBER: We have the sugar, the butter, the eggs but the one thing that brings all these things together remains elusive.
MAJOR: So, make something else. Meringues?
OBER: Ha! Meringues? What the Fhrer asks for the Fhrer gets. And the Fhrer did not ask for meringues.
MAJOR: That?s a shame.
OBER: We think you know where the flour is.
MAJOR: What? You?re insane.
Ober slaps Major across the face.
OBER: Yes, my love, perhaps I am as you say, insane. And if you do not tell me where the flour is I will shine my ?angel? poise lamp in your face until you do.
MAJOR: I don?t know. I haven?t hidden it anywhere.
OBER: No, I don?t believe you have but I do believe someone in your position would know where it is. After all, you were the last to use it were you not?
MAJOR: I don?t know what you?re talking about.
OBER: A chiffon cake, for Edna?s twenty-fourth.
MAJOR: How the?? Look, I put it back where I found it. I don?t know where it is now. I mean, have you looked absolutely everywhere?
OBER: Everywhere.
MAJOR: You?ve checked all the cupboards, obviously?
OBER: Obviously.
MAJOR: Even the one with all the pots of pans in it?
OBER: Yes. Try harder.
MAJOR: Under the stairs.
OBER: Of course under the stairs.
MAJOR: In the fridge?
OBER : In the fridge? Impossible!
MAJOR: Some people put flour in the fridge.
OBER: You are wasting my time. The ?angel? poise is not working. Heinrich, bring me the gimp leads.
MAJOR: Oh blimey. Ok, look, I?ve suddenly remembered where it is.
OBER: Go on.
MAJOR: London.
OBER: I?m listening.
MAJOR: God, I can?t believe I?m saying this. Go to Old Kent Road, then Whitechapel?past Kings Cross Station?then keep going straight on through The Angel, Islington?Euston Road?Pentonville Road and past the prison.
OBER: (Writing) Yes, yes?
MAJOR: Turn?turn right and you?ll come on to Pall Mall. You?ll find the flour there - in a safe house just before the electricity company.
OBER: Heinrich, check this and report back.
PAUSE.
OBER: Good news, Major. We have found the flour, despite Heinrich finding himself back on Old Kent Road for no reason at all.
MAJOR: That?s great. So can I go?
OBER: Yes and no. There is one more thing you will help us with.
MAJOR: Right.
OBER: (Menacing) Tell us at what temperature we cook the cupcake?and for how long.
MAJOR: Ok well let?s see. How many are you going to put in the oven?
OBER: A dozen at a time, if we can get away with it.
MAJOR: I see. Well, gas-mark four for?five minutes.
OBER: Five minutes, are you absolutely sure? That seems too short.
MAJOR: Positive.
OBER: Very well Major Hodkinson. You can go. Tell others what horrors you have faced here, write a review on Trip Adviser and please give an overall rating of five.
MAJOR: Thank you. Hope your Fhrer likes them.
OBER: So do I. If they are not cooked to perfection he will have me shot.
HODKINSON EXITS.
