"To Reach [Tonight's Host]..."
A comedic script for an alternative-radio program,
(appropriate phone numbers for callers, per location)
by James Alex Gerard (or what's left of him, at this point)
Original Release Date: 04/25/2010 (08:45)
Disclaimer: This a total, nonsensical, demented, childish and satirical tribute right off the top of my aging head. Because I needed a good laugh -- so I created one. Please excuse (or ignore. preferably) the obvious, glaring, idiotic, nonstop stream of geographical errors that follow. I'm a creator, not a geographer! Thank you! And, please note, the phone-number narrative is longer than any proceeding segment could possibly be.
Note that the particular host can vary by day, so the script allows for the electronic "find and replace" of the wildcard variable [tonight's host] with the name of the host for that night.
[BEGIN SCRIPT]
"To reach [tonight's host], callers south of the Everglades, but north of the Bermuda Triangle, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2001. Callers west of the Bermuda Triangle, but east by northwest of the Gulf of Mexico, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2002.
Callers west of the Gulf of Mexico, but south of the Mississippi, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2003. Callers north of the Mississippi, but due south of the Continental Divide, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2004. Callers east of the Continental Divide, but southwest by northeast by due north of the Appalachians, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2005.
Callers north of the Appalachians, but south of the Adirondacks, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2006. Callers west of the Adirondacks, but east of Lake Erie, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2007. Callers west of Lake Erie, but east of Lake Huron, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2008.
Callers west of Lake Huron, but due south of Lake Michigan, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2009. Callers north of Lake Michigan, but west of Lake Superior, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2010. Callers north of Lake Superior, but south by northeast of the St. Lawrence, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2011.
Callers west of the St. Lawrence, but east of the Grand Canyon, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2012. Callers north of the Grand Canyon, but south of Yosemite, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2013. Callers north of Yosemite, but west by northeast of Mt. Rushmore, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2014. Callers south of Mt. Everest, but north of Mt. Rushmore, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-1-899-555-2015. Callers south of Mt. Rushmore, but north of Death Valley, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2016.
Callers south of Death Valley, but north of the Rio Grande, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2017. Callers south of the Rio Grande, but west of the Gulf Coast, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2018. Callers east of the Gulf Coast, but south of the Atlantic, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2019.
Callers adrift in the Pacific, but floating west of the Atlantic, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2020. Callers adrift in the Atlantic, but floating east of the Pacific, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2021. Callers adrift somewhere, who don't know where they floating to, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2022.
International callers north of the Congo, but south of Kilimanjaro, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2023. Callers west of the Gold Coast, but east of the Ivory Coast, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2024. Callers north of the Nile, but due south by southeast by north of the Sahara, can reach [tonight's host] by calling1-899-555-2025. Callers north of the Sahara, bordering on the Pyramids due east by northeast, but south of the Mediterranean, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2026. Callers north of the Mediterranean, but due west of the Crimean, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2027.
Callers due east of the Crimean, but west by northeast by south of the Pacific Rim, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2028. Callers north of the Pacific Rim, but south of the Himalayas, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2029. Callers east of the Himalayas, but south by northeast by due west of the Gulf of Tonkin, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2030.
Callers west of the Gulf of Tonkin, but north of the 38th Parallel, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2031. Callers south of the 38th Parallel, but west by northwest of the Sea of Japan, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2032. Callers east of the Sea Of Japan, but north by northwest due south by southeast of the Great Wall Of China, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2033.
Callers west of the Great Wall Of China, but west of the Great Barrier Reef, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2034. Callers east of the Great Barrier Reef, but due west by north by southeast of the Great Western Desert, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2035. Callers east of the Great Western Desert, but west of the Eastern Outback, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2036. Callers south by northwest due south of the Eastern Outback, but north by southeast by northwest of Antarctica, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2037.
Callers south of Antarctica, but due west of the Amazon, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2038. Callers north of the Amazon, but west by southeast of the Andes, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2039. Callers north of the Andes, but northwest by east by southwest of Krakatoa, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2040. Callers east of Krakatoa, but due west by northeast by southwest of Java, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2041.
Callers north by northwest, and directly east by southeast and northeast by west of the equator, but west by northwest and south by southeast and due southwest by northeast of the equator, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2042. Callers south by southwest, and directly west by east and northwest by southeast of the equator, but east by southwest and north by northeast and due south by southwest of the equator, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2043.
Callers having absolutely no Earthly idea where they are on this planet, or can't figure it out, can reach [tonight's host] by calling 1-899-555-2044
[END SCRIPT]
Author's note: At this point. it's time to break out a map and a compass, so we can figure out where we are.
