W. Ditzy World Theme Park
Fade In
At the entrance of theme park ticket booth.
Park Attendant: (cordially) Welcome to W. Ditzy World, hope you have a most pleasant visit.
Visitor: (cheerfully) Why “Thank You” I plan to spend the day here with my children.
Park Attendant: Oh really, then we must advise you of our park rules that must be strictly adhered to.
Visitor: (concerned) Oh, I understand
Park Attendant: (seriously) Well, first we must tell you that if you or your children ride our water ride “Piranha of the Caribbean” you really must keep your hands inside of the moving vessel. As much as we feed our Piranha quite regularly, they do seem to like a nibble or two.
Visitor: (surprised) Oh my…. Are there real Piranha in the water?
Park Attendant: (proudly) Yes, we do pride ourselves in complete authenticity.
Park Attendant: I must also add; we have very strict park rules. Especially those park attendees who try to cut the line on any of our rides. As a general rule, anyone who cuts a line will be tasered and sent to the end of the line. Of course, after they have recovered.
Park Attendant: (sternly)We also request that you do not leave your children unattended. We have a punitive park rule concerning unattended children. Any child left unattended will be sent to our “IPP” (Irresponsible Parent Pavilion) whereas there will be a $500 per child recovery fee. Also, we will also be posting irresponsible parent photos on monitors throughout the park.
Park Attendant: In keeping with our “Clean Park” policy, if during your visit to the park we will be charging a cleanup fee to anyone who gets sick on any of our thrill rides. We also require that prior to riding any of our themed rides you sign a liability wavier releasing us from legal action as a result of death or injury
Visitor: (quizzed) Is that really necessary?
Park Attendant: Unfortunately, last week alone we had three unfortunate thrill ride deaths and seventeen park injuries.
Visitor: (horrified) Why that is terrible!
Park Attendant: (casually) Not really, our sister theme park “See Ya World” has more than twice that number.
Park Attendant: (curtly) We do have a wide assortment of food and beverage facilities around the entire park.
Visitor: (happily) That's good, my family loves fast food.
Park Attendant: You can purchase our beverage package for only $37.98 per person
Visitor: Sounds a little high, but my family does get thirsty and will enjoy soft drinks throughout the day.
Park Attendant: (curtly) Oh, perhaps I didn't make it clear, the beverage package does not cover soft drinks, only water. When you purchase the beverage package, you will get a 7 ounce plastic cup and you can fill it up in one of our many restroom water fountains.
Visitor: Guess I might as well bring my own plastic cup.
Park Attendant: We are very environmentally conscience here at W. Ditzy World and only allow our insignia brand cups to be used. Fortunately, when you return them at the end of the day, we wash them for reuse and you get a 5-cent return fee. I should warn you that any other drinking containers will be confiscated and you will promptly be escorted out of the park.
Visitor: Rewashing a plastic cup? Isn't that unsanitary?
Park Attendant: Not at all, during all of last year we had only 16 visitors whom contracted a serious disease from the use of a poorly sterilized cup. And, we still believe that those same visitors contracted their disease from a competitor's theme park, or at least that what our legal department have stated.
Visitor: Maybe I'll just pass on the soft drink package.
Park Attendant: Well that's fine.
Park Attendant: We also have a variety of food snack packages reasonably priced. You can purchase our French fries or onion rings package for a mere $1.99. We also have potato chips and pretzels for an unbelievable 59 cents a bag.
Visitor: (concerned) Seems like a lot of salty items
Park Attendant: We prefer to call it seasoned, not salty.
Park Attendant: Oh yes, if you purchase any of our food items and desire a drink package afterwards, we must charge an administrative fee of 25% above the original beverage package price of $37.98.
Visitor: (miffed) That seems very unfair.
Park Attendant: Perhaps, but you must understand that we have a lot of overhead costs, thank goodness our ride operators are unpaid volunteers.
Park Attendant: Besides your park ticket, do you wish the daily personal insurance coverage package? Many of our visitors do.
Visitor: Why would I need personal insurance; I would assume your park covers visitors’ incidents.
Park Attendant: Just to be on the safe side, we recommend it. For the mere fee of $3.00.
Visitor: I guess that sounds pretty reasonable.
Park Attendant: Of course, it only covers you in the case of an injury while visiting our park. If you become injured or need to be hospitalized, we will refund your park admission, minus a 15% service charge.
Visitor: Maybe, I'll just pass on the insurance.
Park Attendant: I must ask, how many hours do you plan to visit our theme park.
Visitor: I am not really sure. I would imagine around 6 hours or so.
Park Attendant: Well, the cost for adults is $75.00 for adults and $35.00 for children under two.
Visitor: Gosh, that is really reasonable.
Park attendant: (sternly) You do understand I am quoting you an hourly rate.
Visitor: What? Why that would cost my family of two adults and three children over two-thousand dollars for one day at the park.
Park Attendant: Well, lucky you. We have a special today. If you purchase your full price tickets each member will get a free ice cream cone.
Visitor: (annoyed) You're kidding right?
Park Attendant: Well, actually you get a free ice cream cone coupon to use the next time you visit our theme park.
Visitor: (nasty tone) I'd have to take out a loan to visit your theme park.
Park Attendant: Why yes, you can visit our finance partner “Big Tony's Loans and Pawn Shop” next door. They can arrange for short term loans where you can have up to a month to pay.
Visitor: I really think this park is way too expensive. Think I'll just have to leave.
Park Attendant: Ok, but that will be $35.00.
Visitor: (angry) Thirty-five dollars for what?
Park Attendant: Well, you did take up much of my time and the park requires that I charge you a consultation fee for answering all your questions.
Visitor: And what if I don't pay!
Park Attendant: Well, Big Tony's Loan and Pawn Shop is also our contracted security firm. I feel it would be in your best interest to pay the fee.
Visitor (reaching for his wallet) Oh?
Fade Out
