INT. WHEEL OF FORTUNE SET - DAY
MAT BACKFAT
Welcome to Wheel of Fortune! I'm
your host, Mat Backfat, and with
us today, as always, is Vanna
White's...cousin, Steve.
STEVE WAVES AWKWARDLY
MAT(CONT'D)
Let's introduce you to our three
contestants! First, we have our
returning champion, Alan Foster.
ALAN
Great to be back, Mat.
MAT
We also have two newcomers to the
Wheel of Fortune stage. We have
Wendy Roflinschlager, a graduate
student at DeVry University.
Wendy, why don't you tell us a bit
about yourself?
WENDY
Well, I'm studying business, as
well as minoring in-
JEFF
Business? What the hell good is
that going to be?
WENDY
I want to open my own pizzeria
someday.
JEFF
Hell, you'd probably make a better
hostess.
MAT
(awkwardly)
And that brings us to our final
contestant, Jeffrey Banks. How are
you today, Jeff?
JEFF
Not drunk enough.
HE TAKES A DRINK OF LIQUOR
WENDY
I can smell you from here.
JEFF
Hey, I can take a shower, but
you'll always be ugly!
MAT
(with a nervous
chuckle)
Well, let's get on with the game.
Today's first category is Before
and After. Alan, since you're the
returning champion, the board is
yours.
ALAN SPINS THE WHEEL
MAT
Four hundred dollars, not a bad
start.
ALAN
I'd like to guess the letter "D"
MAT
There is one D.
ALAN SPINS THE WHEEL AGAIN
MAT
Two hundred dollars.
ALAN
I'll take F.
MAT
Sorry, no F's in this puzzle.
Wendy, it's to you.
WENDY SPINS THE WHEEL
MAT
Ooh, bankrupt.
JEFF
(laughs
hysterically)
You SUCK!
WENDY DOES HER BEST TO KEEP HER COOL.
MAT
The board is yours, Jeff.
JEFF SPINS THE WHEEL
MAT
Six hundred dollars! Off to a
fantastic start.
JEFF
Fuckin' A right I am! Give me a M.
MAT
Oh, sorry. No M's.
JEFF
(under his
breath)
Fuck.
JEFF TAKES A DRINK OF LIQUOR.
MAT
So, it's back to you, Alan.
ALAN SPINS THE WHEEL
MAT
One thousand dollars!
ALAN AND WENDY CLAP
JEFF SCOFFS
ALAN
I'd like to guess P.
MAT
There are two P's!
JEFF
Cheater!
JEFF TAKES A DRINK.
ALAN SPINS AGAIN.
MAT
It looks like you've hit the
secret prize wheel! Let's see what
you've got a chance to win, Alan.
ALAN LIFTS THE SECRET PRIZE PIECE
MAT(CONT'D)
Well, you've got the chance to win
eight hundred reams of stationary!
ALAN AND WENDY CLAP, LOOKING CONFUSED
MAT
(to camera)
Yes, stationary. Complete with
guiding lines to ensure your
writing stays straight. It also
comes with convenient holes
punched along the side for easy
input into a three-ring binder!
For all your letter writing needs,
not just paper; Stationary.
ALAN
I'd like to guess V!
MAT
Oh, sorry. No V's in this puzzle.
Looks like you'll have to continue
writing on the palm of your hand.
Wendy, the board is yours.
WENDY SPINS THE WHEEL
MAT
Well, Wendy, it looks like you've
got the chance to win five
thousand dollars!
ALAN AND WENDY CLAP
JEFF
What? Bullshit!
JEFF HITS WENDY OVER THE HEAD WITH THE BOTTLE OF LIQUOR.
JEFF(CONT'D)
Yeah, my turn now, bitch!
MAT
Wait, Jeff. You can't just assault
the other players. Not only is it
a violation of the rules, it's in
extremely poor taste.
JEFF
Can it, Backfat! Or do you want it
next?
MAT STAMMERS INAUDIBLY
JEFF(CONT'D)
That's what I thought.
JEFF SPINS THE WHEEL.
MAT
Oh, looks like you've landed on
bankrupt. Sorry, Jeff.
JEFF
FUCK! Fucking bullshit ass fuck
dildos! I fucking quit!
JEFF FLIPS OVER THE CONTESTANT STAND AND STORMS OFF STAGE
MAT
(shocked)
Well, Alan, it looks like you're
our returning champion by default.
(to camera) Join us next week to
see if the network decides not to
pull the plug on Wheel of Fortune!
