Caribbean Scavenger Hunt

As I write this piece, looking out the window at the frigid and frozen New England landscape I am upset. Despite being born and raised here I despise the cold. I am upset because I didn't book a cheap cruise this winter, as I have for about the past 5 years (with money I never have any business spending). I find myself angrily reminiscing as I look back to how much fun and cheap a great cruise can be if you go into it prepared, and with an open mind. First off, go with only one other person, preferably of the opposite sex or whichever gender you prefer sexually. I myself was lucky enough to have a tall, blonde, beautiful and funny travel companion who, like me, gets bored very quickly aboard a ship mainly occupied by geriatrics and screaming little bastard kids. To combat the boredom we came up with a modified version of a scavenger hunt. Rather than hunt for a list of objects, we compiled a list of human flaws and fashion faux pas that we had to spot and point out, or if roaming the ship alone, provide an actual picture of the flaw witnessed. The next order of business is to formulate your checklist. This list can vary greatly from person to person. But if you are, like me, willing to be or at least act like a highly judgemental narcissist you should be coming up with ideas in no time. On the other hand if you happen to be someone who has never judged anyone else or has never found humor in other people's flaws, you are a fucking liar and need to be more comfortable tapping in to your innate ability to hate on other people. Embrace it, it can make you feel great about yourself depending on how high the value of the target you are currently eliminating from your checklist. An hour or two in deep thought beside the overly crowded, overly chlorinated urine depository known as the pool was enough for us to put together a good sized list. As we watched lines of fellow cruisers waiting to waste their time playing ping pong and mini golf we were excited to get started. With our lists entered into a checklist app on our smartphones we were ready to see and explore the ship in a brand new way. The only rule we made was that anything on the checklist could be topped. For example, pointing out the European guy with a decent shot at winning "best speedo bulge" doesn't necessarily mean you automatically win in that category. There is a good chance that a 75 year old Italian guy comes around the corner with his balls hanging down past his rickety knees and Meryl Streeps the category. My travel companion turned scavenger hunt opponent got off to a quick start by spotting "best mullet", "largest man-boobs", and providing a stunning hi-def snapshot of the "biggest cankles" that I knew I would never be able to top, as these textbook examples went directly from calf to heel with laser precision. I in turn was able to check off the " most abundant and protruding cameltoe" and "sexiest C-Section scar". After playing the game for a few days we realized that we were really on to something. Not only did it create long debates during dinner on who scored the "best hail damage"(a.k.a cellulite) or "man most likely to have been busted by Chris Hansen on To Catch A Predator" (these guys were usually by the pool all day), it offered a danger element as well. There is a little rush you get when you see something that you must take a picture of and not get caught doing it. I played this game on a cruise, but it can be applied to and played nearly anywhere people congregate if you are a shallow enough piece of shit to play it. You can gauge how bad of a person you are by how inventive your categories get. Just keep in mind, the next time you are somewhere public, like the mall or a coffee shop and someone is eyeballing you in an odd way, something is definitely wrong with you and you just got checked off of their list.