SHEILA WITHOUT TAMPON
blood it gushed all over her toes
she was cursed with heavy flow
all the lassies would shout oh no
Sheila wheres your tampon
the blood flowed high, the blood flowed low
as over the streets she spilled her load
all the lassies would shout oh no
Sheila wheres your tampon
she'd go swimming in the sea
the sharks would have a jamboree
her mother screamed when she lost her knee
Sheila wheres your tampon
everyday without fail
you would always see her trail
she was like a human snail
that's Sheila without tampon
ORANGE IS THE COLOR
orange is the color of my true loves face
her fake tan is a pure disgrace
her head i would love to peel
Christ, she glows like Sellafield
a nice tan, that would be great
as if in soya sauce you did marinate
but when you're bright orange, my desire does sag
a Oompa Loompa, i nare will shag
DAUGHTER AND SON
i had a son, and i had a daughter
now i have neither, for they were slaughtered
won't happen again, that i do swear
in future, I'll only course the spring hare
i had a daughter and i had a son
i tinkered a bit, now there's only one
won't happen again, that's not a lie
for I'm fair sick of my new lady boy
i had a daughter and i had a son
fine hardy offspring, each weighs half a ton
its all done with hormones, no need to force feed
for angel and dusty, to grow at great speed
SIEGE
ever since before i was me, a part of this world i did not want to be
i was heard shouting in the delivery room
I'm staying put in this comfy old womb
my twin was not a big fan, of my not going anywhere plan
i said brother they ain't going to try any caesarian ploy
for you will be my hostage my boy
we are also immune to smoke grenade
cos mother smokes one hundred a day
yes this is my manor, and i am its lord
then i tied up my brother with umbilical chord
calmly i made some food demands
run a wee hose from the mammary glands
there we stayed safe from prying eyes
getting more cramped, as the weeks passed by
then we died
PADRE PIO
Padre Pio was the man with the fucked up hands
blood red like a tomato
a good man to pray, bled buckets every day
for he was the king of stigmata
he led a pious life, god was his wife
he never drank nor whored
and he was never ill, cos he got free refills
off the blood transfusion board
