EPISODE 1: PILOT
1 INT. NIGHTCLUB
SMOKE FILLS THE NIGHTCLUB WITH LIGHTS FLASHING ON AND OFF, AND TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY. PEOPLE ARE DANCING AROUND, CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. CAMERA PANS UP TO THE BAR AT THE EDGE OF THE NIGHTCLUB, WHERE A FIGURE IS SEATED ON A BAR STOOL WITH A DRINK, MEN AND WOMEN SURRONDING HIM, FASCINATED BY HIM. THE FIGURE TURNS AROUND TO REVEAL REON.
GIRL #1: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU WHO I THINK YOU ARE?
REON: IT DEPENDS IF YOU?RE THINKING IS NOT LIMITED BY YOUR BLONDE HAIR.
GIRL #1 (UNSURE): LOL?
REON: YES YOU ARE RIGHT? LOL?. DEAR GOD ARE WE SO LAZY THAT EVEN IN AN ACTUAL FACE TO FACE CONVERSATION WE HAVE TO DEDUCT OURSELVES TO ABBREVIATIONS? IF SO, FML.
GIRL #1 (WANTING TO GET ON WITH THE QUESTION): SO ANYWAYS, ARE YOU R.J. ROBINSON?
REON: AS THIS SEEMS TO BE IN TEXT CONVERSATION, I WOULD PUT A SMILIE FACE HERE, BUT I DON?T KNOW HOW TO. BUT YES, I AM HE? WHY ARE YOU ASKING?
GIRL #1: OH MY GOD!!! I LOVED YOU IN ?SOCIALLY AKWARD?! THE BIT WHERE YOU ACCIDENTALLY FELL INTO THE TOILET AND?
REON (INTTERUPTING, DISGUSTED): ALRIGHT! I REMEMBER THAT BIT VERY WELL?(MUMBLES) TRUST ME.
TOUGH DUDE PUSHES THROUGH THE CROWD. LET?S CALL HIM TOM. TOM COMES OVER AND PUSHES GIRL #1 OUT OF THE WAY, INTO REON?S LAP, WITH REON POURING HIS DRINK OVER HER. GIRL #1 HAS HER MOUTH OPENED, DISGUSTED, AND ANNOYED AT TOM.
GIRL #1: HEY PISSHEAD! WATCH WHERE YOU?RE WALKING OR I?LL SNAP YOUR TINY COCK OFF!
TOM TURNS TO LOOK AT GIRL #1. SHE STARTS TO BACK OFF
GIRL #1 (SCARED) : REON! DO SOMETHING!
REON (TO TOM): OH OKAY? SO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?
GIRL #1 (YELLING): I MEANT STOP HIM FROM ATTACKING ME!!
REON: OH?. PLEASE LEAVE HER ALONE?
TOM (TO REON): ALRIGHT PUSSY SNACK, STAY ON THE SIDELINE WHILE I DEAL WITH HER, AND YOU WON?T END UP WITH MORE COCK IN YOU THEN YOU ALREADY HAVE!
REON: AN INSULT ABOUT MY PENIS? BRAVO? SO DO YOU USUALLY FLIRT LIKE THIS WITH MEN, SEEING AS YOU LOOK LIKE A WOMAN HATER?
TOM: I WILL FUCK YOU UP IN A MINUTE! SO SHUT YOUR LITTLE DICK TRAP!
REON: OH ?FUCK ME UP? WILL YOU? AND DO YOU USE THAT ONE A LOT ON THE KIDS YOU MEET IN THE PLAYGROUND?
TOM YELLS AND TURNS AROUND. REON KICKS TOM IN THE SHINS BUT ENDS UP HURTING HIS OWN FOOT, BOUNCING AROUND ON THE OTHER WHILE SOOTHING IT. TOM PICKS UP REON. GIRL #1 KICKS TOM IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS LEGS, AND THE TWO MEN GO CRASHING TO THE GROUND. THE MEN CONTINUE THE FIGHT UNTIL BOUNCER?S COME TO STOP THEM. TOM LOOKS FINE, WHEREAS REON IS SPITTING OUT BLOOD.
TOM (HAPPY): HA! YOU?RE LUCKY THIS TIME ARSEHOLE!
REON: YES, NOT UNLIKE THE POOR SCHOOLCHILDREN
TOM YELLS AGAIN AND TRIES TO LEAP AT REON, BUT THE BOUNCER?S PULL BACK TOM AWAY. TWO POLICEMEN THEN WALK TOWARDS REON. REON TURNS TO SEE THEM, AND SIGHS.
REON: THIS TIME IT WAS SELF DEFENCE.
POLICEMEN #1: YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT WHEN WE ARREST REON?
POLICEMEN #2: WHAT?S THAT?
POLICEMEN #1 (SMILING): WE GET PAY DAY EARLY FROM THE BAIL.
REON SMILES AND PUTS HIS HANDS OUT.
REON: THS TIME CAN WE NOT GET THE HANDCUFFS THAT SMELL LIKE YOUR MOTHER?
POLICEMEN #1 PULLS OUT HIS BATON AND SMACKS REON OVER THE HEAD.
CAMERA GOES BLACK.
TITLE COMES OUT IN WAVY LETTERS: ?FLAME TREES?.
2 EXT. MONTGOMERY RD.
CAMERA FLASHES TO SHOW JESS AND JACOB IN A CAR, WITH JACOB TAKING THE WHEEL. JESS HAS JUST WOKEN UP AND IS YAWNING AND STRECHING. THE BACK SEAT IS FILLED WITH BAGS. THE CAR SUDDENLY STOPS, AND JACOB HURRIES OUT AND AROUND THE CAR TO THE PATHWAY OFF THE ROAD. HE THEN SITS DOWN AND STARES AT IT, THINKING. JESS SIGHS AND TAKES OFF HER SEATBELT, SLOWLY GETTING OUT OF THE CAR. SHE GETS OFF THE SEAT AND INSTANTLY FALLS ON THE GROUND.
JESS: JACOB, HONEY, WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
JACOB: SHHH JESS. I?M TRYING TO GET THE ATMOSPHERE RIGHT. THIS COULD BE A GOOD LOCATION TO SHOOT FOR THE MOVIE. I?M THINKING SCENE 12.
JESS: HOW FAR AWAY ARE WE?
JACOB: ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AWAY JESS.
JESS: JACOB? YOU SAID THAT LIKE HALF AN HOUR AGO? YOU SURE YOU?RE RIGHT. WHAT ROAD ARE WE ON? I?M SURE WE WERE ON MONTGOMERY ROAD BEFORE I FELL ASLEEP.
JACOB: WE?RE STILL ON MONTGOMERY ROAD.
AS JACOB SAIDS THIS, HE GETS UP AND PUTS A BIG BRIGHT RED POLE IN THE GROUND.
JACOB: JUST MARKING THIS LOCATION SO WE CAN FIND IT AGAIN.
JESS: BUT JACOB! HOW CAN WE STILL BE ON MONTGOMERY ROAD AFTER HALF AN HOUR!
JESS TURNS AROUND AND SEES ALL UP THE STREET, ABOUT A METRE APART, BIG BRIGHT POLES GOING UP THE STREET.
JESS: YOU?VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!
JACOB: NO ONE WILL BE SHITTING IN MY CAR NOW! AHH? MY FIRST CAR.
JACOB STANDS THERE AND ADMIRES HIS CAR.
JACOB: I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I DROVE THIS CAR. YOU REMEMBER JESS? THE WINDOW OPENED WITH THE BREEZE FLOWING IN, TOSSING MY HAIR, SMELLING THE FRESH BREEZE, US, HAND IN HAND, SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER?
THEY BOTH GET IN THE CAR WHILE JACOB IS TALKING.
JACOB: I ALSO REMEMBER WHEN WE HAD SEX IN THIS CAR, RIGHT ON THAT SEAT, SO MUCH SPERM CAME OUT I HAD TO CLEAN THIS WHOLE CAR FOR WEEKS. (JACOB POINTS AT A WHITE SPLOTCH ON THE WHEEL) THAT?S THE ONLY REMINDER LEFT.
JESS: JACOB? NEVER, EVER TELL ANYONE THAT STORY.
JACOB STARTS UP THE CAR AND THEY BEGIN TO DRIVE OFF. AFTER ONLY A COUPLE OF SECONDS, JACOB GASPS, AND STOPS THE CAR, AND GETS OUT AND SITS DOWN ON THE PATHWAY AGAIN. JESS GROANS.
3 EXT. PARKWAY DRIVE
JACOB?S CAR TURNS INTO A HOTEL. JACOB AND JESS GET OUT, AND KAHLIA IS SITTING ON HER CAR. SHE JUMPS OFF AND HER AND JESS SCREAM AS THEY RUN AND HUG EACH OTHER. JACOB GOES AND SITS ON THE GROUND IN FRONT OF THE HOTEL.
JESS: I MISSED YOU KAHLIA!!
KAHLIA: OH SAME WITH YOU! WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?
JESS: OH JACOB DECIDED TO CHECK OUT SOME PLACES?
JACOB: THERE WAS THIS ONE ROAD THAT WAS JUST FANTASTIC!
JESS: YES AND A SCHOOL OVAL AS WELL?
JACOB: THEY EVEN RECGONISED ME FOR MY WONDERFUL MOVIE!
JESS: RIGHT UP TO THE PART WHEN THEY TACKLED YOU AND KICKED YOU ON THE GROUND CALLING YOU A PEDOPHILE.
JACOB: YES IM TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT FILM I DID THAT THE WORD CAME FROM?
JESS (ROLLING HER EYES): ANYWAY, HOW ARE YOU KAHLIA?
KAHLIA: OH IM GOOD! I ALREADY DID ALL THE SIGNING IN, SO WE CAN MOVE INTO OUR APARTMENT RIGHT AWAY!! WE GET TO LIVE IN A HOTEL NOW!!!
JESS AND KAHLIA GET EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN. JACOB STILL STARES AT THE BUILDING.
JACOB (TO HIMSELF): IT WOULD BE AN EXCELLENT SCENE IF THAT HOTEL BUILDING WASN?T IN THE WAY.
4 INT. PRISON CELLS
REON IS PLAYING BLACKJACK WITH ANOTHER PRISONER.
REON: I THINK I WIN
REON PUTS DOWN A PERFECT SET OF CARDS AND SMILES. THE PRISONER SMILES AND PUTS DOWN HIS SET OF CARDS: 2 QUEEN?S AND AN ACE.
PRISONER (IN RETARDED VOICE): LOOKS LIKE MICHAEL WINS!
REON: YES MICHAEL WINS EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE PUT DOWN THE SAME CARDS FOR THE PAST 1O ROUNDS. WHAT ARE YOU IN JAIL FOR?
PRISONER: BECAUSE I TRIED TO CHEAT IN A BIG CASINO GAME. HE HE.
REON: YES?
THE CELL DOOR OPENS AND A POLICE GUARD IS STANDING THERE
POLICE GUARD: R.J. ROBINSON, YOU ARE FREE TO LEAVE OFF BAIL.
REON: OH EXCELLENT. I STILL HAVE SOME MONEY IN THE BANK LEFT THAT HASN?T BEEN TAKEN FROM YOU.
POLICE GUARD: OH DON?T GET EXCITED JUST YET MISTER ROBINSON. I?LL EXPECT YOU AT THE SAME TIME NEXT WEEK?
REON: MOST LIKELY, UNLESS I CALL IN SICK.
POLICE GUARD: UNTIL NEXT TIME THEN
REON: YES.
5 EXT. POLICE STATION
REON WALKS OUTSIDE TO SEE JODIE LEANING ON HER CAR.
JODIE: WHAT?S YOUR EXCUSE THIS TIME? SOMEONE PLANETED A BOMB AND YOU THOGUHT YOU?D BE A HERO.
REON: AH HELLO JODIE! OF COURSE, WHO ELSE WOULD LOVE ME ENOUGH TO PAY BAIL FOR ME?
JODIE: PAY FOR BAIL OUT OF YOUR OWN MONEY REMEMBER.
REON: OH YES THE KINDNESS OF JODIE JUST KEEPS ON GIVING. YOU KNOW JODIE, BEING SINGLE AT YOUR AGE CAN BE A DEPRESING TIME IN ONE?S LIFE.
JODIE: AND WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?
REON: JUST THAT YOU NEED A MAN IN YOUR LIFE. MAYBE ONE OF MY EXPERIENCE?
JODIE: REON, DATING YOU WOULD BE LIKE DATING A ROTTEN APPLE. I WOULDN?T LIKE TO SEE THE WORM.
JODIE THEN NODS DOWN AT REON?S PANTS.
REON: OUCH THAT WAS HARSH. WELL YOU SHOULD STILL FIND YOURSELF A MAN?
JODIE: REON! I JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP ONLY A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO!
REON: PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO MEET SOMEBODY NEW
JODIE: I?M STILL NOT OVER HE-WHO-WILL-NOT-BE-NAMED.
REON: OH YOU MEANT AYRTON?
JODIE GIVES HIM A LOOK.
REON: HE-WHO-WILL-NOT-BE-NAMED ALWAYS SUITED HIM BETTER. WELL WHY ARE YOU STILL ALL DEPRESSED ABOUT THE BREAK UP?
JODIE (PROGRESIVELLY YELLING): BECAUSE IT WAS UNFAIR HOW HE LEFT ME! IT WAS UNFAIR HOW HE TREATS HIS BLOODY ROCK MUSIC AND FAME MORE THEN HIS ?ORDINARY LITTLE GIRL?. AND, IF HE?S ANYTHING LIKE THE OTHER VILE, DE-MEANING ROCK STARS OUT THERE, HE WOULD LEAVE ME AT THE FIRST SIGN OF A HOT ARSE AND A NIGHT OF SNIFFING COCAINE OUT OF IT!!!
REON: YOU NEVER TOLD ME THIS?
JODIE: WHY! WHY SHOULD I OF TOLD YOU? YOU WOULD HAVE HATED HIM JUST FOR ME, EVEN IF HE WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND.
REON: WELL, YEAH OF COURSE, ANYONE WOULD, WOULDN?T YOU?
JODIE: BUT YOU SEE, I DON?T HATE HIM? I STILL LOVE HIM SOO MUCH. BUT I CAN?T LET HIM JUST THINK HE CAN HAVE ME AND TOSS ME AROUND DEPENDING ON HIS SCHEDULE WITH OTHER WOMEN.
REON: AH SO JODIE?S TRYING TO GET WOMEN?S RIGHTS?
JODIE: YES FINE THERE?S A SIMPLE WAY OF PUTTING IT I GUESS.
REON: YOU OKAY? DO I? PAT YOU ON THE CHEEK?
REON REACHES DOWN TO JODIE?S BOTTOM.
JODIE: REON?. YOU CAN ONLY TOUCH MY FACE CHEEK? NOT MY ARSE CHEEK.
REON: UNFORTUNATE? JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU HAPPIER? HEY CAN I DRIVE?
JODIE LOOKS UP, SHOCKED.
REON: I?LL GO SIT IN THE PASSENGER?S SEAT? (JODIE?S STILL GOT A SHOCKED LOOK)? HANG ON THE BACK SEAT LOOKS GOOD ENOUGH.
JODIE STOPS AND GETS INTO THE DRIVER?S SEAT. REON SITS DOWN IN THE BACK SEAT AND TRIES TO PUT HIS SEAT BELT ON. HE THEN GETS UP, REALISING HE?S SITTING ON A BABY?S SEAT.
REON: JODIE? WHY DO YOU HAVE A BABY?S SEAT IN THE BACK HERE?
JODIE: HMM? OH THAT?S JUST FOR PRACTICE?
REON: PRACTICE FOR WHAT?
JODIE: PRACTICE FOR WHEN A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS REON? WHAT DO YOU THINK??!!
REON: JUST BREAKING THE ICE?
THEY DRIVE OFF QUIETLY.
6 INT. JODIE?S CAR
THEY ARE DRIVING ALONG QUIETLY. REON KEEPS LOOKING AT JODIE, THINKING IF HE SHOULD SPEAK TO HER OR STAY QUIET.
REON: PERMISSION TO SPEAK?
JODIE (SIGH): PERMISSION GRANTED.
REON: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO BACK HERE?
JODIE (SMILING): I?VE BEEN HERE 2 MONTHS AND ONLY NOW YOU ASK THE QUESTION?
REON: I THOUGHT YOU JUST CAME FOR A VISIT? OR FOR ME. I SEE BOTH WERE BADLY WRONG? FOR NOW.
JODIE: I CAME BACK HERE TO DO WHAT I WANTED TO DO BEFORE AYRTON WHISKED ME OFF AROUND THE WORLD ON HIS GREAT ADVENTURE.
REON: WHAT DID YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU GOT ?WHISKED OFF??
JODIE: JOURNALISM.
REON: YOU MEAN THOSE GUYS THAT WRITE FOR NEWSPAPERS AND GET INVOLVED WITH GANGSTERS AND CREATE ALL THE SHOOT OUTS AND THEN THEY GO AND SOLVE SOME GREAT MYSTERY AND THEN SUDDENYL THEY?RE GOING ALL JAMES BOND ON YOU AND THEN THEY GET A DOG CALLED SNOWY AND THEY GO ON ADVENTURES AROUND THE WORLD?
JODIE: CUTE, BUT NO, NOT LIKE TINTIN. JUST A NORMAL JOURNALIST.
REO: WELL THAT?S BORING.
JODIE: WELL, I LIKE IT. I CAN TALK ABOUT WHAT IS RIGHT AND WHAT IS WRONG AND HAVE MY FOLLOWERS AND I CAN SLOWLY GET PEOPLE TO SEE WHAT IS ACTUALLY GOING ON AROUND HERE.
REON: SO? YOU?RE GOING TO BE LIKE THE SITH JEDI OFF STAR WARS?
JODIE (SIGH): YES REON, I?M GOING TO BE DARTH VADER.
REON: SO TINTIN WITH ASTHMA PROBLEMS?
JODIE: WHATEVER YOU SAY REON.
REON: WILL YOU TELL ME WHAT THE SURPRISE IS NOW?
JODIE: I?VE BEEN TELLING YOU FOR WEEKS THAT YOU?LL FIND OUT ON THE DAY? WHICH IS TOMORROW. EXCITED?
REON: VERY. I WONDER WHAT THE SURPRISE IS? MAYBE YOU?VE SET ME UP WITH SOME HOT WOMAN? OR MAYBE YOU BROUGHT ME A BIG TV? OR MAYBE YOU GOT ME THE NEW X-BOX? OR MAYBE?
7 INT. RESTRAUNT
CAMERA CUTS TO RESTRAUNT, AND SHOWS REON?S FACE, WHICH IS SLIGHTLY ANGRY AND CONFUSED.
REON: WE?RE MEETING OLD FRIENDS?
CAMERA PANS OUT TO SHOW JODIE SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH REON. JOINED WITH THEM ARE DEANNA AND DECLAN, WHO ARE ARM IN ARM WITH EACH OTHER.
JODIE: DEANNA, DECLAN, JUST EXCUSE THIS DIRTY SACK OF BALLS HERE.
DEANNA: I STARTED THAT A LOONNNGGG TIME AGO.
DECLAN: SO HOW ARE YOU REON?
REON: I AM GOOD DECLAN. HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH DEANNA YET?
THE WHOLE RESTRAUNT GOES QUIET AND STARES AT REON.
DEANNA: NOT A QUESTION FOR A FANCY RESTRAUNT LIKE THIS.
REON: WHY COULDN?T WE JUST GO TO OUR FAVOURITE RESTRAUNT, HOG?S BREATH? IT?S JUST AROUND THE CORNER.
DEANNA: BECAUSE THIS IS A SPECIAL OCCASION.
REON: OH I SEE! SO I?M STILL GETTING A NEW TV?
JODIE: NO! ANOTHER SPECIAL REASON.
REON: WE?RE HAVING AN ORGY?
JODIE (SHAKING HER HEAD): SO DEANNA WHAT HAVE YOU AND DECLAN BEEN UP TO?
DECLAN: WELL, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT WE?
JODIE (INTTERUPTING): I ASKED DEANNA.
DECLAN CROSSES HIS ARMS AND LOOKS SAD DOWN AT THE FLOOR.
DEANNA: WELL WE WENT TO THIS AMAZING PLACE CALLED JAPAN. HAVE YOU HEARD OF IT? PROBABLY NOT. IT?S HARD TO FIND ON A MAP. I HAVE TO SHOW IT TO YOU SOMETIME? IT?S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.
REON: JAPAN? ISN?T THAT WHERE HITLER CAME FROM?
DECLAN: HA! NO YOU IDIOT! THAT WAS EUROPE!
REON: SHUTUP DECLAN
THE GROUP TURN TO SEE JESS, JACOB AND KAHLIA WALKING TOWARDS THEM. JACOB HAS A BAG FULL OF BIG RED POLES. EVERYONE HUGS EACH OTHER AND THEN THEY ALL GET SEATED AT THE TABLE.
JODIE: OH MY GOSH GUYS! HOW ARE YOU! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO!
JESS: WELL, JACOB IS DOWN HERE MAKING THE SEQUEL TO HIS MOVIE ?WEIRD BY SOME?. SURE YOU?VE HEARD OF IT?
DECLAN: YES!! THAT?S LIKE THE GOD OF ALL COMEDIES! I MUST SAY YOU ARE A PURE GENIUS! NONE OF US COULD HAVE EVER DONE ANYTHING AS FUNNY AS THAT!
REON NOW CROSSES HIS ARMS AND LOOKS AT THE GROUND. THE WAITER (WHO IS A WOMAN) COMES AROUND.
WAITER: MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
DEANNA: OH YES ME AND DECLAN WOULD LIKE THE COULPE?S VARIETY MEAL.
JESS: OH THAT SOUNDS NICE ME AND JACOB WILL GET THAT TO! RIGHT JACOB?
JESS TURNS AROUND TO SEE JACOB SITTING ON THE FLOOR, MARVELLING AT THE RESTRAUNT, THINKING DEEPLY.
DECLAN: OH WOW! SEE THIS DEANNA! WE?RE WATCHING A GENIUS AT WORK!
DEANNA: LOOKS MORE LIKE A CREEP TO ME.
WAITER: AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE MADAME?
KAHLIA: I WILL HAVE A CHICKEN.
WAITER: OKAY?
KAHLIA: A REAL CHICKEN.
WAITER: ALRIGHT? GOT IT.
KAHLIA: DON?T GO GIVING ME SOME FAKE CRAP. I WANT A REAL CHICKEN.
WAITER (CONFUSED): WELL WE WILL TRY OUR HARDEST?
KAHLIA: I PUT MY TRUST IN YOU?
KAHLIA REACHES OUT TO GRAB THE WAITER?S HAND. THE WAITER PULLS BACK.
WAITER: UM? OH AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE MADAME?
JODIE: OH I WOULD LIKE A CHICKEN ROLL THANKS.
WAITER: VERY GOOD? AND YOU?. SIR?
REON IS NOW WEARING SUNGLASSES AND HAS HIS FEET UP ON THE TABLE, TRYING TO LOOK COOL. HE TAKES OFF HIS SUNGLASSES AND LOOKS AT THE WAITER.
REON: WELL, CAN I HAVE ANYTHING NOT ON THE MENU? MAYBE YOU COULD MAKE A SPECIAL TREAT FOR ME?
WAITER: OKAY WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND SIR?
REON IS FROZEN, AND DOESN?T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
REON: I?LL? I?LL JUST? MAYBE?
WAITER: I?LL COME BACK TO YOU YES?
REON NODS HIS HEAD. THE WAITER LEAVES. EVERYONE CRACKS UP LAUGHING.
DECLAN: YOU MESSED UP BIG TIME.
REON: IT?S JUST THAT THE LINE HAS NEVER WORKED FOR ME BEFORE? I SHOULD MAN UP AND GO OVER THERE AND JUST SAY WHAT?S ON MY MIND.
DEANNA: YES? WHAT?S ON YOUR MIND? NOT WHAT?S ON YOUR PENIS?S MIND.
REON: WISH ME LUCK?
THE GROUP ARE SILENT FOR A SECOND, AND THEN THEY ALL BREAK OUT WITH GOOD LUCK?S. REON GETS UP AND LEAVES.
DECLAN: NOW THAT WE DON?T HAVE AN IDIOT TO SPOIL IT?
DECLAN GETS OFF HIS SEAT AND DOWN ON ONE KNEE NEXT TO DEANNA. HE PULLS OUT A CASE, AND FLIPS IT OPEN TO REVEAL A SHINNY NEW WEDDING RING.
DECLAN: DEANNA, I WANT TO SPEND TODAY, AND THE NEXT DAY, AND THE DAY AFTER THAT, AND THE REST OF THE DAYS AFTER THAT WITH YOU BENEATH MY WING. I WANT TO EXPERIENCE WHAT YOU EXPERIENCE, TAKE JOY IN WHAT YOU TAKE JOY IN, AND ULTIMATELY BE THERE TO MAKE YOU STRONG, WHEN THE DARKNESS SURRONDS YOU. DEANNA, I WANT YOU TO BE THE PRODUCT OF MY GOOD DREAMS, AND THE DESTRUCTOR OF MY BAD ONES. I WANT YOU THERE IN THE END, HOLDING MY HAND THE SAME WAY AS WE STARTED. DEANNA, I WANT YOU TO BE MY WIFE SO I KNOW YOU?RE THERE WHEN I?M SLEEPING, AND WHEN I?M AWAKE, AND BE THERE IN MY LEADING NEEDS. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, I WANT YOU DEANNA. AS CHEAP TRICK USED TO SAY ?I WANT YOU TO WANT ME?.
DEANNA, BY THIS POINT, IS BAWLING HER EYES OUT. ALL SHE CAN DO IS NOD AS A REPLY. THE GROUP CHEER AND APPLAUD. DECLAN PUTS THE RING ON DEANNA?S FINGER, AND DEANNA GRABS DECLAN INTO A BIG HUG SO SHE CAN HIDE HER FACE. WHEN SHE FINISHES HUGGING DECLAN, SHE MOVES ONTO HUGGING THE REST OF THE GROUP.
JODIE: OH GOD DAMN IT I NEED THE BATHROOM.
JODIE WALKS OFF TOWARDS THE TOILETS. CAMERA FOLLOWS HER. JODIE IS OPENING THE DOOR TO THE TOILETS, SMILING AND HAPPY, WHEN SHE HEARS A VOICE FROM BEHIND HER.
UNKNOWN VOICE: JODIE.
JODIE TURNS AROUND AND FINDS THE VOICE CAME FROM A FIGURE, THE FIGURE OF AYRTON.
JODIE: AYRTON! WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? SHOULDN?T YOU BE IN NEW YORK FOR THE CONCERT?
AYRTON: THE REST OF THE TOUR GOT CANCELLED? EVERYONE PUSSIED OUT? BLOODY WANNABE ROCK STARS? SO I DECIDED I?D RATHER COME BACK HERE TO SEE YOU INSTEAD OF GOING BACK TO SYDNEY.
JODIE: WELL I?M SO SORRY AYRTON BUT I TOLD YOU ALREADY? IT?S OVER BETWEEN US.
AYRTON: WHAT IF I SAY SLIPPED, SAY, A MILLION DOLLARS INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT
JODIE(MIMICKING): SAY, ARE YOU, SAY, BRIBING ME?
AYRTON SMILES.
JODIE: THE ANSWER?S NO!
AYRTON?S SMILE FADES AWAY.
AYRTON: WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?
JODIE: BECAUSE YOU?RE TOO OBSESSED WITH YOUR ?MUSICAL TALENT? TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME! OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER! YOUR FRIENDS ARE OUT THERE, AND THEY PROBABLY WOULDN?T EVEN RECGONISE YOU! NOT EVEN YOUR ONCE BEST FRIEND REON!
AYRTON: BULLSHIT!
JODIE: NO AYRTON, THIS! THIS IS BULLSHIT! I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH? BUT THIS FAME? THIS MUSIC? EACH ONE OF YOUR DAMN MUSIC NOTES IS TEARING US APART? I?M SOME ?ORDINARY GIRL? AND YOU?RE THIS BIG TIME ROCK STAR. IT CAN?T WORK OUT! IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! YOU?LL FIND SOMEONE MORE FAMOUS! SOMEONE YOU DON?T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT COMING HOME TO AT NIGHT BECAUSE SHE?LL BE TOO BUSY BEING FAMOUS AS WELL!
AYRTON: JODIE YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME A CHANCE TO SPEAK!
JODIE: OH! ALRIGHT! LET?S SEE WHAT LOUSY, CHEESY LITTLE LINE YOU CAN GIVE HERE SO I WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU FOR 5 OR 6 MONTHS BEFORE YOU FIND YOURSELF A FAMOUS WOMAN!
AYRTON: GOD DAMMIT JODIE! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU! YES! I KNOW I HAVEN?T SPENT TOO MUCH TIME WITH YOU DUE TO THE MUSIC.. BUT NOW THAT THE ALBUM?S FINISHED AND THE TOUR IS FINISHED THANKS TO THOSE ARSEHOLES? I?M FREE! OF COURSE I?LL BE BACK IN THE STUDIO IN A YEAR OR SO? BUT DOESN?T THAT HAPPEN WITH ANY TYPE OF WORK?
JODIE: OH YES? BECAUSE WORKING REALLY ENTITLES THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME PARTYING WITH YOUR MATES? WHILE I SIT AT HOME EATING BY MYSELF, CRYING BY MYSELF AND WATCHING BLOODY STUPID SEX AND THE CITY BY MYSELF!!
AYRTON: I THOUGHT ALL GIRLS LIKED SEX AND THE CITY?
JODIE: NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS ARGUMENT AYRTON!! NOW, I HAVE TO GO TO THE TOILET NOW AND THEN JOIN UP WITH THE REST OF MY ?REAL? FRIENDS AS DEANNA HAS JUST GOTTEN ENGAGED TO DECLAN.
AYRTON: DEANNA AND DECLAN ARE MARRIED?
JODIE: YES? AND YOU WOULD KNOW THAT IF YOU SPENT A MILISECOND OF TIME WITH ANY OF US INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT YOURSELF AND ROCKETING TO FAME!
AYRTON: BUT?
JODIE: GOOD BYE AYRTON!
JODIE GOES INTO THE GIRL?S LAVATORY. AYRTON, WITHOUT THINKING FOLLWS HER IN THERE, SCREAMING JODIE?S NAME OUT. AYRTON ENTERS THE BATHROOM AND SEES A BIG RUSSIAN LADY WASHING HER HANDS, GIVING AYRTON THE GLARE.
AYRTON: OPSS?. MUST?VE?. MUST?VE ENTERED THE WRONG BATHROOM? SORRY!
AYRTON EXITS THE BATHROOM.
CAMERA THEN TRAVELS BACK TO THE FRONT OF THE RESTRAUNT WHERE THE GROUP ARE STILL CELEBRATING. REON SITS BACK DOWN AT THE TABLE.
DEANNA: REON! GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED!
REON: OH GOD YOU?RE NOT PREGNANT! HOLY CRAP SHE?S PREGNANT!
EVERYONE FROM OTHER TABLES START CLAPPING AND CHEERING.
DEANNA (LAUGHING): NO IT?S ONE UP FROM BEING PREGNANT? I?M?
REON (INTTERUPTING): ONE UP FROM BEING PREGNANT! HOLY SHIT! YOU?RE GIVING BIRTH RIGHT NOW!!
DEANNA: GOD REON NO I?M?
REON FLIPS DEANNA OF THE CHAIR AND PUTS HER ON THE GROUND.
REON: WE NEED A MEDIC HERE! WE NEED A?
EVERYONE STARES AT AYRTON, WHO HAS SEATED HIMSELF DOWN AT THE TABLE.
AYRTON: HEY GUYS.
REON: I?M SORRY, DO I KNOW YOU?
AYRTON: YOU HAVE TO BE JOKING ME? OF COURSE YOU KNOW ME! DON?T YOU REMEMBER?
JESS: I?M SORRY BUT WE?RE IN A MOMMENT HERE, SO CAN YOU PLEASE LEAVE?
KAHLIA: DAMN RIGHT WE ARE! THIS IS RABBIT! NOT CHICKEN!
JESS: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
KAHLIA: BECAUSE RABBITS HEADS ARE SMALLER.
KAHLIA TURNS AROUND TO SEE AYRTON?S STILL THERE.
KAHLIA: WHAT DO YOU WANT, YOU STRANGE MAN.
AYRTON: NOTHING? CARRY ON?
AYRTON GETS UP, UPSET AND WALKS OFF.
REON: YOU SURE WE DON?T KNOW HIM?
JESS: NO HE WAS WAY TO MUCH OF A CREEP FOR US
REON: SAIDS THE CHICK WHO?S MARRIED TO THAT.
JESS LOOKS TO WHERE REON?S POINTING, WHICH IS BEHIND HER. JACOB IS TRYING TO RAM A BIG BRIGHT RED POLE INTO A TABLE, AND 3 WAITERS ARE TRYING TO WRESTLE THE POLE OUT OF HIS HAND.
JESS: OH DEAR? I SHOULD GO OVER AND HELP, SHOULDN?T I.
JESS GETS UP AND GOES OVER AND TRIES TO REASON WITH JACOB.
8 INT. JODIE?S CAR
JODIE AND DEANNA ARE IN THE FRONT SEAT WITH JODIE DRIVING, AND DECLAN AND REON ARE IN THE BACK, PUNCHING EACH OTHER AT RANDOM TIMES.
JODIE: WELL THAT WAS? EVENTFUL.
DEANNA: OH I JUST LOVE THIS RING!!
JODIE: HANG ON, REON? DID YOU ASK OUT THAT WAITER?
REON: WHY YES, I HAVE HER NUMBER RIGHT HERE!
REON PULLS OUT A CARD. DECLAN SNATCHES IT.
DECLAN: THIS IS A BUSINESS CARD FOR THE RESTRAUNT.
REON: WITH HER NUMBER WRITTEN ON THE BACK
DECLAN: ACTUALLY THAT?S THE POLICE?S NUMBER.
REON: WHAT ABOUT THE LOVE HEART?
DECLAN: OH THE WRITING IN THE LOVE HEARD SAIDS ?WILL CALL THAT NUMBER IF YOU COME BACK? XOXOXO? LOVE JEAN.
REON: SEE SHE DID LIKE ME IN THE END.
DECLAN: YES SHE DEFINETELY LIKED THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD AS YOU LEFT THE RESTRAUNT.
REON: HOW DARE YOU!
DECLAN AND REON START FIGHTING IN THE BACK SEAT.
JODIE: BOYS! THAT?S ENOUGH!
BUT THE 2 MEN CONTINUE TO FIGHT. JODIE STOPS THE CAR.
JODIE: REON! GET OUT AND WALK!
REON: BUT HE STARTED IT?
JODIE: NOW!!
REON: FINE!
REON GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND WATCHES AS IT DRIVES OFF. HE THEN REALISES THAT SHE LEFT HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREEWAY.
REON: SHIT.
CAMERA PANS BACK TO JODIE?S CAR.
DEANNA: WHAT?S WRONG JODIE? YOU CAN USUALLY STAND REON BEING A DOUCHE BAG?
JODIE: AYRTON WAS THERE.
DEANNA: AYRTON WAS AT THE RESTRAUNT?
JODIE: NOT JUST AYRTON? HE STILL BROUGHT HIS EGO WITH HIM?
DEANNA: WHAT HAPPENED?
JODIE: NOTHING? WE JUST TALKED? VERY LOUDLY..
DEANNA: SO YOU HAD A FIGHT?
JODIE: I GUESS? IF THAT?S THE CORRECT TERM FOR SOMEONE WHO RE-APPEARS AFTER 2 YEARS AFTER MAKING YOUR LIFE MISERABLE TO MAKE IT MORE UNBEARABLE THAT YOU HAVE TO YELL AT THEM.
DECLAN: I THINK THAT?S THE CORRECT TERM FOR A FIGHT.
JODIE STOPS THE CAR AGAIN.
JODIE: GET OUT.
DECLAN: WHAT DID I?
DEANNA (INTTERUPTING): DAMMIT DECLAN SHE?S GOING TO EXPLODE! GET OUT OF TH FUCKING CAR NOW!
DECLAN RACES OUT OF THE CAR. AN AKWARD MOMMENT OR TWO PASSES AND THEN JODIE RAGES. SHE SMACKS THE WHEELS AND PUNCHES THE DASHBOARD WHILST CRYING.
DEANNA: IT?S OKAY JODIE? NEXT TIME AYRTON COMES NEAR YOU I WILL MAKE SURE HE KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL.
JODIE: THERE?S NO WAY YOU CAN MAKE HIM FEEL A BIT LIKE I FEEL AT THE MOMMENT.
DEANNA: I CAN ALWAYS RIP HIS TESTICLES OUT SO HE HAS A PERIOD LIKE A WOMAN?
JODIE SMILES AND LAUGHS AT THIS
9 INT. REON?S HOUSE.
JODIE, REON AND JACOB ARE SEATED AROUND A TABLE. JACOB AND JODIE BOTH HAVE LARGE FOLDERS WITH THEM.
JODIE: OKAY, SO ME AND JACOB HAVE BEEN BRAINSTORMING FOR YOU ABOUT WHAT IS THE BEST NEW IDEA FOR YOUR COMEDY CAREER. AND AFTER CAREFUL ARGUMENTS, WE HAVE DECIDED THE BEST OPTION IS TO GO WAY WAY BACK TO WHERE A LOT OF KIDS START OFF THEIR CAREERS.
REON: WHAT? AS PORN STARS?
JODIE: LET ME FINISH?
JACOB: YEAH LET THE WOMAN FINISH!
JODIE(AKWARD PAUSE): THANK YOU JACOB. SO ANWAY, HAVE YOU HEARD OF YOUTUBE?
REON: YOU MEAN REDTUBE?
JODIE: NO I THINK I MEAN YOUTUBE.
REON: NO I THINK YOU?RE PRONOUCING IT WRONG? THERE IS NO YOUTUBE.. THERE IS A REDTUBE THOUGH?
JODIE: THERE?S 2 TYPES OF TUBES IN THIS CASE..
REON: OH I KNOW THAT? JUST WATCH DR. SEXY EXPERIMENTS.
JODIE: REON!!
REON: WHAT?
JODIE: YOUTUBE IS A SOCIAL MEDIA IN WHICH PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD UPLOAD VIDEOS OF WHATEVER THEY WANT, AS LONG AS IT?S IN GOOD TASTE.
REON: SO BASICALLY YOU?RE SAYING NO SEX?
JODIE: YES, YOU?RE CATCHING ON QUICKLY
REON: DAMN!
JODIE: ANYWAY, TONS OF UPCOMING COMEDIANS START OUT ON YOUTUBE, UPLOADING VIDEOS EVERY WEEK ON STUFF IN THE MEDIA OF JUST STUFF ON THE WEB OR JUST STUFF THAT?S GOING ON. AND THEY MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT. THEY MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH. YOU HAVE TO BE WORD FUNNY REON.
REON: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I?M NOT?
JODIE: REON? YOU?RE TYPE OF COMEDY IS PHYSICAL COMEDY. OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, ?MR. BEAN COMEDY?. YOU?RE NOT VERY GOOD WITH YOUR WORDS. AND YOU SAY YOU WANT TO TURN AROUND YOUR COMEDY. SO YOU HAVE TO GO WITH MORE WORDED FUNNY JOKES INSTEAD OF REON FALLS INTO THE TOILET AND?
REON (INTTERUPTING): GOD DAMMIT! WHY DOES EVERYONE ONLY REMIND ME OF THE TOILET BIT!
JODIE: BECAUSE THAT?S WHY IT GOT AN R RATING REON
REON: OH THAT?S RIGHT? WENT FROM PG TO R RATED FROM 10 SECONDS.
JACOB: NOW IF YOU?LL LET ME AND JODIE DEAL WITH THE YOUTUBE ACCOUNT? ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS DO SOME TALKING FOR 2 AND A HALF MINUTES EACH WEEK AND WE CAN DO THE REST. BUT WE CAN 10 PERCENT OF THE PROFIT.
REON: HMMM?. WHAT ABOUT 50?
JODIE: OKAY?. YOU CAN GIVE US 50 PERCENT IF YOU WAN TO, YOU JUST?
REON: NO I?M FINE WITH 10.
JODIE: OH?. OKAY THEN? WELL WE NEED YOU TO FILL OUT THIS LEGAL DOCUMENT?
REON: IN CASE I DIE, YOU HAVE LEGAL RIGHTS TO USE MY DEAD BODY TO MAKE MORE VIDEOS?
JODIE: NO IT?S JUST A FORM THAT YOU SIGN SAYING YOU UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING WE HAVE TOLD YOU, AND HAVE AGREED TO THOSE CONDITIONS.
REON: ALL YOU TOLD ME IS THAT THERES THIS COPY CAT SITE CALLED YOUTUBE AND?
JODIE: JUST SIGIN THE GOD DAMN PAPERS.
REON: YES MA?AM!
REON SIGNS THE PAPER AND HANDS IT BACK TO JODIE.
JODIE: REON, YOU HAVE JUST TAKEN YOUR FIRST STEP INTO BECOMING A MEGA COMEDY CELEBRITY AGAIN. CONGRATULATIONS.
JODIE HOLDS OUT HER HAND FOR REON TO SHAKE.
REON: OH SO NOW YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A HAND JOB NOW BECAUSE I?M A CELEBRITY AGAIN? BLOODY HELL?
JODIE: YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST FORGET SHAKING MY HAND?. GOOD LUCK TO YOU REON? YOUR CAREER PATH NOW RESTS IN YOUR OWN HANDS?
JACOB: AND MINE IF I SEND IT TO THE WRONG WEBSITE?
JODIE (SIGH): YES FINE THEN YOU HAVE A CONTRIBUTING FACTOR TO REON?S SUCCESS?. GOOD NIGHT REON.
REON GETS UP AND WALKS THEM TOWARDS THE DOOR.
REON: WELL THIS WAS A VERY FUN DAY TODAY? I WISH EVERYDAY WAS LIKE THIS. ALTHOUGH, NOW THAT YOU?RE LIKE TINTIN JODIE?
JODIE: I AM NOT TINTIN!
REON: OKAY OKAY FINE THEN YOU JUST WORRY ABOUT BORING STORIES LIKE THE GOVERNMENT.
JODIE: GOOD BYE REON.
REON HUGS JACOB AND JODIE AND THEY LEAVE. REON TURNS AROUND AND EVERYTHING IS QUIET. REON WALKS OVER TO HIS STEREO AND PICKS UP A COLD CHISEL CD, HE PUTS IT ON AND PUTS IT ON THE TRACK ?FLAME TREE?. HE THEN WALKS OFF SINGING ALONG WITH THE SONG.
CAMERA PANS OUT WHILE THE SONG PLAYS, AND OUT THROUGHT THE WINDOW. CAMERA THEN PANS UP TO SEE THE STARRY NIGHT.
FADES OUT.
CREDITS PLAY WHILE THE SONG IS STILL PLAYING.
THE END
