Hammered, Horny and Unhappy

EXT.STREETS-NIGHT
Joey and Louie walk home after the party, drunkenly. With Beers in their hands they drink casually.
LOUIE
That was pretty shit.
JOEY
What? Your band was awesome, and the crowd was aight. I should know since I was among the fucktards.
LOUIE
They didn?t appreciate us at all. They were too busy boning.
JOEY
Yeah I suppose. Wish I was one of the boners. That would?ve been better than listening to you fucks. No offence.
(beat)
But, from what I saw they appreciated you just fine.
LOUIE
How do you figure that you drunken mess?
JOEY
Chicks were throwing their undies up to you.Boing boing Motherfucker.
LOUIE
Don?t remind me.
(beat)
Haha. Boing boing.
JOEY
But...What? That?s pretty appreciative
LOUIE
Yeah, but still.
JOEY
Still what?
LOUIE
Nothing.
JOEY
No, not nothing. You brought it up. Out with it you cockjock.
LOUIE
Well
(beat)
One of them hit me in the face.
JOEY
Yeah. Sounds pretty RAD to me.
LOUIE
Trust me. It?s not.
JOEY
Okay?!
LOUIE
There was--
(beat)
There was a--
JOEY
Out with it. Fucking hate when you drag shit out.
(beat)
Is it something to do with guilt? Are you afraid hoe?ll find out?
LOUIE
No. She understands. It happens. I?m faithful
JOEY
Sure you are...Then what?
(stops and looks at his face)
Wait... You?re really pale. You alright?
LOUIE
I feel sick.
JOEY
Let it out man.
(beat)
Tell me. I?ve had one of the worst nights ever.
LOUIE
Yeah I saw you punch the hell out of that chicks boob as you walked by. It was like a speedball.
JOEY
Yeah. And that?s not even the worst of it.
LOUIE
What?s worse than getting a fuckin? bleeding nose from a speedball boob?
JOEY
Plenty. Another time I?ll tell you. You first
(beat)
So out with it.
LOUIE
Okay.
(beat)
Well that fine lookin? pair of panties that connected with my face were more than they looked to be.
JOEY
Sounds cool to me.
LOUIE
Anything but.
JOEY
Hey... There are men all over the world who would kill for that experience of panties on the face. The thrill of that shit. That?s like fuckin? Space Mountain to us mere mortals. You are so unappreciative.
LOUIE
Trust me. You won?t think I?m unappreciative at all.
JOEY
Then get to the fucking point Louie.
LOUIE
I am! Relax Joey. I hate angry drunks.
(beat)
Well, the panties were more than meets the eye.
JOEY
What were they, fucking Transformers? Let me guess. Skidmark?
LOUIE
I fucking wish! That would?ve been acceptable. No.
(beat)
There was a fucking used Maxi Pad in it.
Joey splutters out in shock, disgusted, spitting the drink out onto MARK who is passing by.
JOEY
That is fucked up! SHIT!
(to Mark)
Oh shit man? I?m so sorry.
MARK
What the FUCK?!
Mark runs towards Joey fit to kill. Mark chases Joey down the road. Louie follows and tries to act as a drunken barrier between them.
LOUIE
Cool it man? It was an accident.
MARK
Fucking WHAT! You fucking Retars.
(mumbles to himself)
You high?!... I?ll kill you fuckers...retard.
Louie pulls a can of beer from his pocket and hands it to Mark. He calms down. Joey and Louie walk on. Turning to make sure Mark isn?t following. When it?s clear they start talking again.
JOEY
That was close...Anyways. A Fucking Pantyliner to the face. That?s fucked up.
LOUIE
You?re telling me. I got fucking hit with it.
JOEY
Fuckin? Vaj blood. UGHH!
(beat)
Was it just me or was there an old guy in the corner jacking off?
(beat)
Hang on a sec.
Joey turns to the side of the path and retches violently, vomiting a fierce load of stomach contents, then casually walking on.
JOEY CONT?D
Okay. Now? Was there?
LOUIE
I don?t fucking know! I was playing a fucking gig you drunken retard.
JOEY
(not listening)
Awh shit. I got vomit on my fucking shoes. Shit.
He retches again as he looks down at his shoes and a small bit of vomit lands on the shoes.
LOUIE
FUCK MAN! How much did you have to fucking drink?
JOEY
(laughs to himself)
Not enough. I only touched one boob the whole night.
LOUIE
Why? Have you got a quota or some shit?
JOEY
No. But it?s usually around: 4 tits, nine asses, twelve slaps in the face. 13 if your girlfriend?s there.
(beat)
And. At least, one punch in the nutsack. A kick in the nutsack if your girlfriend?s. So help me I love being rejected by your girlfriend. Fiesty bitch.
LOUIE
Well you probably deserved them all you know. Especially if you went near MY girlfriend. It?s lucky you still have nuts left to be kicked.
JOEY
I think I did. Deserve them I mean.
LOUIE
Well, you do still use those fucking pick-up lines. That is just retarded.
JOEY
Well, Yeah! They?re fucking gold.
LOUIE
Bullshit! What kind of down-on-herself girl falls for: ?Gee, for a fat chick you sure don?t sweat much?? or ?Have you seen my enormous jar of Penis-Reducing Cream??
JOEY
Yeah Louie. They do. If I have the right tone with it. Gotta seem like I?m joking. But I really do have a big penis. It?s like a third leg.
LOUIE
Ok...Or: ?I?d suck your dad?s dick just to get a bit of where you came from?? That one cannot possibly work.
JOEY
It does! On orphans. From time to time.
There is an awkward silence. Until:
JOEY
You know what I?ve always wondered?
LOUIE
What Joey? What?
JOEY
What?s it like to have a vagina?
LOUIE
I may be supremely drunk but that is a fuckin? stupid-ass question.
(plays along)
Okay. Well, I suppose it?s kinda easier than having a dick.
JOEY
How do you figure that?
LOUIE
Well, they don?t exactly have trouble with their frontal privates embarrassing them.
JOEY
Frontal privates? I know you have a girlfriend Louie but I didn?t think that meant you had a pussy now too. She?s not here. Talk normally.
LOUIE
Well. Theirs don?t exactly stick out. They can?t embarrass themselves with a boner.
JOEY
Yeah. Plus, chicks are really freaked out when they see you have one.
LOUIE
(with sarcasm)
Really? What gave you that idea?
JOEY
(unaware of sarcasm)
School incident. Got an impromptu boner in class, under the desk, then the worst possible thing happened: The bell rang. I had to get up and go to my next class. Getting up when it wouldn?t go down.
LOUIE
So, what happened? Did someone call you on it?
JOEY
I?m getting to that. I couldn?t cover it. Tucking it away didn?t do shit. It was just out there for the world to see.
(beat)
But no one took much heed. Until...
LOUIE
Who saw it?
JOEY
No one saw it, per se. But something happened.
(beat)
Hayley came over and started talking to me about something. Class or homework or some shit.
LOUIE
You mean cross-eyed Hayley?
JOEY
Don?t interrupt.
(beat)
She was talking. I had the boner, and then a terrible, terrible thing happened: She bent down to tie her shoes. And... got an eyeful of dick. Poked right in the eye.
Louie bursts out laughing wildly.
JOEY
Fuck off. Before that she wasn?t even cross-eyed.
LOUIE
Damn. I would?ve done her if she wasn?t fucking cross-eyed. But... That, my friend is why a dick is worse than a vagina.
JOEY
Damn-fuckin? straight.
Another awkward silence.
LOUIE
I?m bored.
JOEY
What do ya want me to do about it?
LOUIE
I don?t know
(beat)
I know. I challenge you to a game of rock.
JOEY
Fucking A. So shall it be done good sir.
Louie pulls out a big rock from beside the path they walk on and starts kicking it. Before they start they put down their beers. Then, they?re off: Joey tries to intercept the rock and pick it up. But, both Joey and Louie in their drunken states have problems balancing. Louie maintains possession until Joey violently shoves him away from the rock, picks it up and throws it towards the nearby housing estate. A broken window is heard, followed by a loud alarm. Joey and Louie look at each other and run home as fast as they can.