By ominic Hoarty & Sam Hoarty & Neil Birchall
Series One
Episode One
INT. DILAPIDATED OLD BOOKMAKERS – DAY 1 – 09.50
Reg McManus Turf Accountants has a garish red and black carpet – the newspapers on the boards are yellowing along with the wallpaper. Smoke hangs thickly in the air. Jackie, a plump brunette lady in her early fifties is heading towards the counter where Carol is sitting behind the Perspex. Carol is also a plump lady, towards the end of her fifties with bobbed blond hair and spectacles.
JACKIE
(Taking off coat – out of breath)
Morning Carol love, sorry I’m a bit late. Have I missed him?
CAROL
(Eating crisps)
Morning Jacks. No he’s not due for half an hour or so. Mike’s not here yet anyway, how did you get on?
JACKIE
Oh the bloody usual, eat this, eat that, cut out the rubbish. Never seems to stop me feeling as bloated as them little famine kids that were on during Live Aid.
(CAROL hands JACKIE an éclair which she duly dispatches in two mouthfuls)
JACKIE (CONT’D)
Ooh cheers Carol love, just what I needed were that.
CAROL
Our Frank was having a pop yesterday cos I was eating a cream horn at half 9 in the morning.
JACKIE
Cheeky sod!
CAROL
I know! I told him the French eat chocolate for breakfast
JACKIE
Aye it’s sophisticated
CAROL
Sophisticated and consequential or whatever it is they call it. Pan o chocolate and all that, they dip em in their coffees don’t they?
JACKIE
Dirty bastards. Mind you I don’t feel so bad about dunking my Toblerone in my tea now. Have to nibble some of them bigger Toblerone bars though to get em in my mug.
CAROL
Hey! (Laughing) You know what our Charlie said the other day?
JACKIE
(Weary) Oh go on love
CAROL
Well he put a bit of Toblerone in his teeth and said ‘I’m a vampire’. Hilarious. I didn’t see it but our Mark showed it to me on that Facebook thing. I’ve got the picture on me phone, he put it on for me last night. Here you can have a look if I can find the blasted thing. (Starts to rummage in handbag)
JACKIE
Don’t worry if you can’t find it love
CAROL
No, no it’s here somewhere (pause) ah! (CAROL shoves the phone right into JACKIE’S face)
JACKIE
(Taken aback) I do hope he ate that chocolate and didn’t waste it
(CAROL continues to flick through the photographs on here phone. She looks lovingly at them and JACKIE is relieved as MIKE arrives. MIKE is in his early twenties, he is wearing a MOD style long coat and moped helmet which he removes to reveal his dark tousled hair and stubble. He looks every inch the student that he is)
MIKE
Alright girls what are we looking at?
JACKIE
(Rolling eyes in Mike’s direction) Little Charlie
CAROL
(Thrusting the phone into Mike’s face) Do you want a look Mike?
MIKE
It seems I have no bloody choice
CAROL
Right little tinker isn’t he?
MIKE
Yeah. I’ll just get my coat off and have a brew before I have a proper look
CAROL
Here! (places phone in Mike’s hand) Have a good look through whilst I go for a big piss. I’ll stick the kettle on on the way back.
MIKE
(He winces and tosses the phone onto the counter) Little tinker, little wanker more like!
JACKIE
(Laughing) Michael, you can’t say that!
MIKE
(Gesturing towards the phone) Well the little shit has a face you’d never tire of taking a hammer to.
JACKIE
Well I suppose it’s not the kid’s fault
MIKE
Bollocks! My mum always says ‘Oh you can’t blame the child’. Well I bloody well can where that one is concerned. Admittedly ITS parents are a waste of space but I still hate that child as a stand alone human being.
JACKIE
(Laughing) You’ve never met the kid
MIKE
And I don’t want to. You can pack it in anyway, you hate IT just as much as I do.
JACKIE
I don’t hate HIM. I just tire of the stories as you well know. How are you anyway?
MIKE
Not so bad, bit of a hangover and not too happy about having to come in. I’m supposed to be in a lecture now.
JACKIE
Oh and you’ve never missed one of them to be in work before have you? You’ll only be here for half an hour anyway. We’ll get our P45s and be on our way.
MIKE
You think?
JACKIE
Oh I don’t know. I know I’m nervous and it’s making me hungry. (Starts to open a Toblerone)
MIKE
How did you get on at the docs?
JACKIE
Told me to be careful what I eat
MIKE
You get those Toblerones on prescription?
JACKIE
Piss off. I’d rather have the two bob bits every day than that gluten free bollocks or whatever nonsense they wanted me on.
MIKE
(Wincing and changing conversation) Where’s The Chuckle Brothers?
JACKIE
Five minutes before they’re due in.
(She nods towards strange man in the corner, sat on the stool staring at the newspapers on the boards, he is wearing an anorak, tight chinos, baseball cap and thick spectacles)
JACKIE (CONT’D)
Fruitcake is in though.
MIKE
(Shouting over) Alright Rain Man?
(Mike’s shout is met with no response)
MIKE (CONT’D)
He’s the only autistic bloke I know that’s absolutely shite at betting
JACKIE
He’s not really autistic though is he?
MIKE
Doubt it - just a bloody weirdo. He’s like these kids that the parents claim have ADHD – they’ve not got ADHD they’re just naughty little fuckers.
(Flushing of toilet is followed by CAROL returning)
CAROL
Have you seen the pics Mike?
MIKE
Yeah he’s a cheeky little sh....monkey isn’t he?
CAROL
Yeeeeeeeeah! (She stares dreamily at phone again) Which picture was your favourite?
MIKE
Oh they were all good. He’s growing up isn’t he?
CAROL
Oh but you must’ve had a favourite?
JACKIE
Yeah Mike what was your favourite picture?
MIKE
Oh I couldn’t choose a favourite Jacqueline
CAROL
Oh go on pick one Mike....oh the tea
(CAROL goes into the tiny kitchen five yards away as MIKE turns to JACKIE and mouths the words ‘HELP’. JACKIE proceeds to do a subtle impression of someone with one eye and a limp)
CAROL (CONT’D)
Here’s your tea Mike. So which was your favourite?
MIKE
The one where you were at the Paralympics, yeah I think that was my favourite
CAROL
Eh?
JACKIE
(Suppressing laughter) MY favourite was the one where Charlie was dressed up as a pirate.
MIKE
(Mouthing ‘fucking hell’) Yeah sorry the pirate one, that was really funny
CAROL
Aah yeah that one were good weren’t it? Another brew Jacks?
JACKIE
Yes please, just three sugars this time please
CAROL
Cutting down eh? Doctors orders I presume
(CAROL returns to the kitchen)
MIKE
(Whispering) I thought you were doing Oscar bloody Pistorius
JACKIE
(Whispering) I’d have done this for him (She gets onto her knees with difficulty and shuffles a couple of steps before simulating shooting a gun)
MIKE
That could’ve been any Tom Cruise film
CAROL
Oh I see Pinky & Perky are here
(Two men enter. BRIAN is a scruffy man who looks in his mid fifties. He looks like he needs a wash and has rubbish tattoos across his knuckles. He is accompanied by JIM - a smaller, grey haired, well dressed Irishman in his early seventies)
JIM
Morning ladies, gentlemen. Full house?
CAROL
He’s coming in today, big meeting.
BRIAN
Morning girls. You can put your chocolate down now as the sweetest thing you’ll have all day is here.
CAROL
I’ll stick to my éclairs thanks
BRIAN
(To JACKIE) Is that a Toblerone? Bastards they are. I lost three teeth to one of them once. Managed to blu tac a couple back in though. (Proceeds to show everyone his terrible set of teeth)
MIKE
Blu tac?
BRIAN
Aye. Just until I got to the dentist
MIKE
(Surprised) You’ve got a dentist?
BRIAN
Not yet
(Mike looks baffled)
JIM
What time is he due in?
JACKIE
Any minute now I think. I’m shitting myself
JIM
You needn’t worry Jackie. I spoke to Geraldine last week and she tells me that Nathaniel is going to keep the place going. It was Reg’s wish apparently that his only son would continue with the family business and she’s going to make sure that he keeps his dad’s wish.
CAROL
How is Geraldine?
JIM
She’s not great. She got back from the funeral in Ireland last Wednesday. She said to pass on her thanks for keeping the place going and for the flowers you sent.
CAROL
We won’t be keeping it going for much longer
MIKE
Don’t worry. Jim’s just said Geraldine’s gonna make him carry on
JACKIE
But he’s some right high-flier isn’t he? He’s got a bloody B-Tec or something. What’s he gonna want with a place like this?
MIKE
He’s got a doctorate from Oxford University and now he’s some investment banker isn’t he?
JIM
Something like that
MIKE
Got to be a millionaire then
BRIAN
A bloody banker? They all want burning
CAROL
Well you can tell him Brian, because he’s here
(NATHANIEL - A tall, handsome, well dressed man in an expensive suit enters the bookmakers with confidence. He immediately eyes the place up with a mixture of nostalgia and disgust. CAROL and JACKIE seem to be taken with his looks, BRIAN is transfixed with NATHANIEL as if looking upon an alien. MIKE giggles as NATHANIEL says hello to RAIN MAN in the corner who doesn’t even acknowledge his existence. MIKE lets NATHANIEL into the staff area as CAROL and JACKIE clear up the crumbs from their desks)
JACKIE
Hello love, can we get you a drink?
(NATHANIEL looks at the pile of manky mugs in the corner before precariously sitting down on a very low, crumbling office chair that refuses to heighten, leaving him looking upwards at his new staff)
NATHANIEL
No thank you. Let’s just get on with this then shall we? I’ll try and be quick and there’ll be no need to shut for lunch and lose money. Though it doesn’t look like that’d be a problem. You know why I’m he...
CAROL
(Interrupting) How’s your mum love?
NATHANIEL
(Taken aback) Pardon? Erm, she’s fine thanks....
CAROL
Carol
NATHANIEL
Carol...yes? (He looks at MIKE and JACKIE in hope of their names)
JACKIE
Jacqueline. (She offers her hand like a princess). You’ll not remember us love, but we remember you running around here with your snotty nose
CAROL
Aye, pretending to ride the Derby winner on that old broomstick
(NATHANIEL looks over to the broken broomstick in the corner of the bookmakers. He seems to be at odds with the nostalgia and amazed the broomstick is still there. He snaps out of it and looks at MIKE)
MIKE
Mike. (Cocky and offering hand) And you are?
NATHANIEL
(Not accepting handshake) Your new boss Nathaniel. Now let’s get down to it.
(NATHANIEL pauses as he senses the leering faces of BRIAN and JIM at the Perspex glass)
NATHANIEL (CONT’D)
This meeting is for staff only chaps. (Checking folder on his lap) We do only have three staff don’t we?
CAROL
Oh they’re harmless love, just two regulars Brian and Jim
NATHANIEL
Harmless or homeless?
BRIAN
You not remember me cockle? (NATHANIEL shakes head, looking a little scared) I knew your dad all his life, well no hang on not all his life, I knew him all my life, no hang on when did I start coming in here....yeah 1982 when I was sixteen
MIKE
(Flabbergasted) You’re only 46?
BRIAN
Eh?
JIM
Never in the memory of man are you forty six?
BRIAN
I am! At least I think I am (starts to count on fingers)
JIM
We knew your dad Nathaniel and he was a fine man (JIM removes his hat)
NATHANIEL
(Slightly irritated) Thanks. As I was saying let’s get down to it. Your jobs are safe as I’ve promised to keep the place on for mother’s sake.
BRIAN
(Loudly talking on large mobile) Mum! Mum! Yeah I’ll drop it round later. I know, I know your cream and the Fast & Furious 5 DVD.....how old am I mam? Right.....ok, yeah....ok. (Takes phone away from ear and addresses JIM) She’s just checking with my sister then she’s gonna ring me back.
CAROL
So you’re not closing the place?
NATHANIEL
Unfortunately not. (Still distracted by JIM and BRIAN’s presence) Gents can you go and study the form or whatever it is you do?
BRIAN
(Answering phone) Am I? Fucking hell!! Ok ta.....yeah I said I would didn’t I?....No you fuck off. (BRIAN puts the phone down then mutters to himself) Arsehole she is. (To MIKE) Mam says I’m 49
MIKE
You still look older
(JIM catches sight of NATHANIEL looking despondent)
JIM
Come on Brian, Kempton looks good today. (Addresses NATHANIEL) You are staying open though that’s right isn’t it?
(NATHANIEL nods wearily as JIM escorts BRIAN away)
BRIAN
Could’ve sworn I was 46 Jim, where did those 3 years go eh?
JIM
Strangeways
BRIAN
Oh aye. (Mutters) You’d think God wouldn’t miss a bit of lead
NATHANIEL
Listen I’m not happy about taking on this place. It was my dad’s wish and a lot of emotional blackmail from my mother which means I’ve GOT to take this place on until I can finally pass it onto my poor children.
(CAROL has her hand up)
NATHANIEL (CONT’D)
Yes Jacqueline
CAROL
Carol
NATHANIEL
Carol sorry
CAROL
Have you got any kids?
NATHANIEL
Erm I’m sorry? (pause) No I haven’t, I meant in the fut…
CAROL
Are you married?
NATHANIEL
This is a bit personal and I’m not sure what it has to do.....no I’m not married
JACKIE
Ooh free and single eh? No abusing your position as boss now.
(JACKIE winks at a horrified NATHANIEL as BRIAN looks over jealously)
CAROL
No girlfriend then?
NATHANIEL
Listen ladies we’re here to disc...
BRIAN
(Shouting) Are you bent?
NATHANIEL
Listen! None of this really matters....Jesus!
JACKIE
(Crossing herself) Please don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, not in my place of work
NATHANIEL
(Losing patience) Which is a betting shop! Anyway, sorry. Let’s just forget my private life, I’m not married and have no children.
BRIAN
(Shouting) Definite fruit
NATHANIEL (CONT’D)
If you must know I have a soon to be ex-girlfriend as she no longer thinks I’m of sound mind to give up my new seven figure salary and life in Knightsbridge to come back here at the behest of my mother and try and run this.....this shithole
CAROL
Shithole? (She looks at MIKE pleadingly)
MIKE
(Nodding) It is a shithole
NATHANIEL
Look people I don’t want to be here anymore than you want me here and I’m aware you’d much rather have my dad back. I’ve promised to keep this place going and I keep my promises. Luckily for you the betting industry at the minute is big, big business and big, big business is what drives me on. This industry is one of only a few growing at the minute and it’s growing at a remarkable rate – as it’s preying on a species that is spreading like wildfire – those that are greedy, desperate and unintelligent.
(NATHANIEL’S eyes lead to BRIAN and JIM)
BRIAN
I’m telling you Jim – those adverts keep saying there’s more bacteria and bugs on your kitchen surfaces than in your bathroom – so do what me mam does and make your butties on your bog seat.
(JIM is reading his Racing Post and ignoring BRIAN)
NATHANIEL (CONT’D)
So this is where the money is and I’m up for the challenge if you are? We’re going to turn this two-bit operation into a high street chain of cash cows. We’re gonna turn these books upside down.
CAROL
I don’t think your dad would like to hear this place being called a two bit operation
JACKIE
Yeah your dad worked hard at this place, put you through boarding school
NATHANIEL
Well he’s clearly not been putting much effort in recently
JACKIE
He had a stroke love
NATHANIEL
A fortnight ago! He didn’t have it in 1986! I mean just look at this place. Where are your football coupons? Your machines, roulette etc? You’ve not even got the racing cards up for Ffos Las today?
CAROL
No, your dad didn’t like all that foreign racing
NATHANIEL
It’s in Wales. Tony McCoy is riding there today, big races. Look at your television? Where’s your live streaming? Your lotteries? Your special offers? Your hot food and drink?
MIKE
We have Simon
CAROL
Yeah Simon
NATHANIEL
Simon?
CAROL
Well we’re not sure if his real name is Simon but he brings in the leftover pies from the market at dinnertime
JACKIE
Simon The Pieman!
NATHANIEL
And does this Simon stock a wide range of fine Danish pastries and coffees in the mornings? Croissants perhaps?
MIKE
Well a lot of his butties are very curly
NATHANIEL
I mean WHAT is on that television right now?
CAROL
The Wright Stuff
JACKIE
Yeah we like that
CAROL
Oh Jacks what is Simon’s real name?
JACKIE
Oh I can’t remember now. I was with his mum on the number 76 a few months ago and she mentioned it.....but I’ve forgotten it now. Hey that bloody number 76 has changed its route you know, it doesn’t go down Tannery Lane but goes all round the houses, past the cemetery....
NATHANIEL
(Interrupting) That television should only be showing things that people can bet on – it should be enticing them to the counter
MIKE
Well we could take bets on Matthew Wright making a cock of himself.
(NATHANIEL fixes MIKE with a stern look)
MIKE (CONT’D)
It’s only set up for Freeview, we get the racing on Channel 4 some days and always on a Saturday.
NATHANIEL
You’ve not even got The Racing Channel – listen things have got to change and quickly
MIKE
(Gesturing to JIM and BRIAN) Well those two won’t be happy if you get rid of Countdown. Rachel Riley’s arse is the highlight of their day.
NATHANIEL
Well as I said there will be big changes and no hanging about. This place needs dragging into the 21st Century and quickly.
MIKE
You’ll have to drag it into the 20th first
JACKIE
So what does that mean?
NATHANIEL
It means an extensive refurbishment to start with
CAROL
Oh no not the carpet – I love that carpet – I got the offcuts for my front room. It’s served me well for 15 years
NATHANIEL
(Looking around) I will be stripping the place
CAROL
Can I have the carpet then?
NATHANIEL
(Distant, still surveying the room) You can have whatever you like
CAROL
Oh lovely that’s my dining room sorted
JACKIE
Bagsy the toilet roll holder and that little bin that’s in the bogs
(NATHANIEL, CAROL & JACKIE look at MIKE)
MIKE
I’m good thanks – even my student flat wouldn’t want anything from here
JACKIE
Hang on how long is this refurbishment going to take?
NATHANIEL
(Sucking teeth) I reckon I’ll call in a few favours but 2 to 3 weeks to do it right
JACKIE
Whoa whoa you can’t close for 2-3 weeks! What on earth are we going to do?
CAROL
Aye this place has survived a long time before you came along lad, this place has character, there’s just no need for it.
MIKE
They always say that about people though don’t they?
JACKIE
What?
MIKE
That so and so is a ‘right character’ which basically means he’s a complete wanker
CAROL
Oh no my Frank calls our Charlie a little character and he’s certainly is one.
MIKE
Oh yes you’re not wrong there
(CAROL looks very proud)
JACKIE
Oh I can’t cope without pay for 3 weeks
MIKE
Oh shit, I was wanting to get that new amp
JACKIE
You can’t just come in here throwing your weight about...
NATHANIEL
(Wearily) You’ll be on full pay whilst the work is carried out
JACKIE
Aye suppose the old place does need a lick of paint doesn’t it?
CAROL
Oooh can I have one of those ergonomic chairs for my bad back?
MIKE
(Under breath) For your fat arse more like
(BRIAN and JIM edge over to the counter looking very concerned)
NATHANIEL
Anyway, I’ll be back later in the week and I’ll have some definite dates for the refurbishment and I’ll be asking you all for your input into how we take this place forward ok? So I’ll leave you for now and I’ll be in touch. Have a good day folks, nice to have met you.
(NATHANIEL puts his folder in his briefcase and gets up to leave. He looks worried as he walks past BRIAN and JIM whose eyes follow him out of the building)
MIKE
Right I’m off now as well
CAROL
What straight off? We not going to discuss things?
MIKE
I’m jamming with the boys in a bit
JACKIE
Thought you were supposed to be at a lecture?
MIKE
Same thing
JACKIE
You in tomorrow with me then Mike?
MIKE
(Putting on moped helmet) Yeah think so, if we’re not closed
BRIAN
(Talking to JIM) Told you
JIM
Did we hear right over there about closing because he swore to me that you definitely wouldn’t be closing.
CAROL
Only temporarily he said, he’s going to refurnace the place
JIM
Oh it’ll lose all its charm
CAROL
That’s what I said
JACKIE
I don’t think we’ll be allowed to smoke in the bogs anymore
BRIAN
Oh I’m not going bloody outside, I’m not having that
JACKIE
Well the way he was talking he’s bound to want that smoke detector going back up
BRIAN
Took me ages to dismantle that stubborn bastard
JACKIE
Your mum makes you go outside at home doesn’t she?
BRIAN
(Offended) Fuck off! I’m master of my own house, she wouldn’t dare tell me to go outside, I’d knock her out.
MIKE
(Heading for the door) Son of the year! Well you could try giving up Bri?
BRIAN
Piss off, I’m never giving up smoking or shagging
MIKE
Your mum makes you go outside for that as well does she?
BRIAN
Cheeky bleeder, you know nowt. I had a bird round last Friday didn’t I Jim?
JIM
(Reading newspaper) I know you said Brian
BRIAN
Mum was at her mate Mavis’, dirty cow she was
JIM
Yeah Mavis you said
BRIAN
No, not Mavis – she’s got a false hip....and a false knee – be like shagging Robocop.
JIM
Aye it’s a great film so it is
BRIAN
Oh this bird was a right goer, 69 and everything
(RAIN MAN in the corner lifts his head up to creepily listen in)
MIKE
Didn’t think you’d be able to get into the 69 position Brian with all your injuries
BRIAN
No she was 69. Definitely her own hair and teeth though
JACKIE
Christ, I bet Harry Styles can’t stand the competition
BRIAN
What do the kids call em, muffs or something?
MIKE
(Laughing) MILFS you mean?
BRIAN
Aye that’s it – she were a right MILF
MIKE
I think that only applies if someone my age says it Brian – if someone 49 is calling her a MILF then she’s clearly more of a GILF or a GGILF....either way it’s wrong Brian
CAROL
She could’ve been one of those cougars I suppose
JACKIE
Well either bloody way Mike’s right – it’s wrong!!
BRIAN
She were bloody wrong too, you’d like to get wrong with me as well wouldn’t you Jackie love?
(BRIAN winks at JACKIE)
MIKE
Good god, the quicker he closes this place down the better. See you tomorrow.
(MIKE exits – FADE OUT)
INT. REG MCMANUS BOOKMAKERS DAY 1 - 14.00
(FADE IN)
JIM and BRIAN are watching a race on the television, clutching a betting slip each
JIM
How did you get on with that graffiti on the side of your house?
BRIAN
Oh my mam rang the council about it, they said they would come and clean it off within the next fortnight but if the graffiti was racist or homophobic then they’d come the same day.
JIM
Political correctness eh? Makes you wonder what you pay you council tax for? It’s still there then I take it?
BRIAN
No, I went outside, sprayed ‘GO HOME BLACK POOFS’ over it and rang em back, it was gone by 4 o’clock. Cheeky bastard had a pop at my spelling though.
(The TELEVISION declares a winner in the horse race and BRIAN and JIM both rip up their betting slips)
BRIAN
6/4 favourite that Jim, last by a bloody mile. Down to my last quid here
JIM
Well don’t go betting it on Countdown again, you know what happened yesterday
BRIAN
Oh come on Jim, even you thought he’d walk it. Little 11 year old Asian fella in a bowtie and glasses against that old girl from Walsall? There was only one winner there.
JIM
Aye and it was Doreen
BRIAN
I wasn’t to know Gupta was thick as mince. Well I’m not betting on it today, I’m just going to admire Rachel’s cracking arse. Well maybe I’ll bet on the conundrum.
JIM
But the odds Brian? It’s a million to one to guess what the conundrum might be before they show it and the girls only give you 50/1
BRIAN
I was close last week, it began with an A
JIM
That’s where the similarities ended Brian, yours only had 8 letters
BRIAN
9
JIM
No 8 – you forgot to add the S and let’s be honest it was highly unlikely it was going to be ARSEHOLES anyway so it was?
BRIAN
It would’ve been in Whiteley’s day, he’d let any old filth go – remember the wankers one?
JIM
Stop it
(Enter SIMON who is a very large, bald, baby faced man in his late twenties. He is dressed in butcher’s clothes and his apron and whites are splattered in copious amounts of blood. He has a tray in front of him that is strapped over his shoulders which carries twenty or so battered looking pies. He is accompanied by a mean looking dog)
SIMON
Afternoon gang
(SIMON let’s go of the dog which goes straight up to a terrified JIM)
JACKIE
Hiya Simon love
CAROL
Thank god you’re here. I was even contemplating these snack-a-bastard-jacks – they’ve been coming to work with me for the past 6 months – not sure they’re even still in date.
JIM
Get this bloody dog off me
SIMON
Jim! You know he’s harmless
(The dog begins to take an interest in BRIAN who is equally as scared as JIM and the two men cling to each other as it jumps up at them)
BRIAN
Oh I don’t know Si, he’s always a bit jumpy
SIMON
He’s just friendly, he doesn’t bite
JIM
I hate it when dog owners say that – he doesn’t bite YOU, YOU fecking feed him
SIMON
Rooney come here!
(SIMON throws a pie off his tray into the corner of the room where the dog follows. JIM and BRIAN slowly release their grip on each other)
JIM
He won’t be able to come in here for much longer anyway
SIMON
What? Health & Safety aren’t due back are they? They don’t worry me – anyway Jackie’ll just give em the tit again
(JACKIE blushes slightly and drops down her blouse slightly to reveal the top of her massive bosom. BRIAN salivates)
JACKIE
No not health and safety Si – new owners isn’t it? Reg’s son Nathaniel has taken over and he’s got big ideas.
SIMON
Oh! Am I going to have to start expanding my range of pies? (Looks down at tray) Suppose I could go to a cheese & onion at a push
CAROL
Never mind that, come on Si what’ve you got? I could eat a scabby dog
JIM
(Looking at Rooney) Please do
SIMON
What’s he like? Am I gonna have to start wearing a suit?
JACKIE
You’ll be wearing a body bag if you don’t get those bastard pies over here right now
CAROL
Give us two m&p please love
JACKIE
What crisps have you got?
SIMON
(Emptying pockets of bloodied jacket) Erm...smokey bacon, cheese & onion and salt and vinegar....oh and a bag of Skips
CAROL
Two smokey bacon please
JACKIE
Aye I’ll have the same Si love, 2 smokey bacon and 2 m&p. No make that one smokey bacon and I’ll have those Skips, better be good like the doctor says.
SIMON
That’s £3 each girls
CAROL
Whoa! Whoa! (Squeezing packet of crisps) These crisps are multi-pack – you been in your cupboard at home again? Sod all in these multi-pack ones – they’re basically half a bag. You can have £5 for the both of us and think yourself lucky you robbing get.
SIMON
There’s a recession on, crisp packets are getting smaller
JACKIE
Here’s your fiver now that’s yer lot
SIMON
Sheesh! So what’s Reg’s lad like? Your job’s safe?
JACKIE
He seems nice enough – not sure if he’s bitten off more than he can chew mind
BRIAN
(Shouting) He’s a shirt lifter
CAROL
(Ignoring Brian) He’s not got a bastard clue! Frothy coffees and Danish pastries? This place is a bookies and it’s done alright for the past 30 odd years. We’ll be getting all those snotty sods from that new estate coming in talking about bloody humus and programmes on BBC2.
SIMON
Aye it’s a smashing place this, why change it?
JIM
Give us a pie please Simon
SIMON
Meat and potato?
JIM
(Sarcastically) Got anything else?
SIMON
(Studies his tray in earnest for a while) No! Quid please
JIM
Thought not
SIMON
You Brian?
BRIAN
It’s my last quid...can I...
SIMON
No tick Brian you know that
JIM
Don’t look at me – never a borrower nor a scrounging bastard be
BRIAN
Aye go on then give us a pie – I’ll nip home and get some cash off me mam later
SIMON
So what’s his plans for this place then?
JIM
Well just getting some of those fancy machines in and the like and tart it up a bit I think
SIMON
Some dolly birds behind the counter?
CAROL
(Mouthful of pie) What are you trying to say?
BRIAN
You dishin my girls?
SIMON
Dishin? No homie I wasn’t
(JIM throws the remainder of his pie into the opposing corner of the shop as he has noticed ROONEY finish his pie and JIM wants to study the form in the corner ROONEY was previously occupying)
BRIAN
They’re gorgeous these two girls
CAROL
(Giddy) Oooh we’ve not been called girls in a while have we Jacks?
JACKIE
Thanks Brian love
BRIAN
(Cocksure) Don’t mention it ladies. I mean come on Si – bit of a tit lift each and they’d be bob on
SIMON
Geoff Capes couldn’t lift those buggers
(Things are about to erupt when JIM interrupts)
JIM
BRIAN! BRIAN! Get over here man, quick!
BRIAN
What is it Jim?
(BRIAN slowly follows JIM’s finger on the board)
BRIAN (CONT’D)
Who hoo, that’s a bloody winner is that!
JIM
Come on it’s off in three minutes
JACKIE
What is it?
BRIAN
2.10 at Yarmouth – Brian’s Bullet and it’s got Keiron Fallon on it.
JACKIE
Hey it’s 9/1 here Brian
BRIAN
(Digging in pockets) Shit that was my last quid
JIM
I told you don’t look at me
BRIAN
(Desperate) I don’t want this pie – can I have my money back?
SIMON
No you’ve mauled the bloody thing, no refunds
BRIAN
Here this is worth a quid – can I put it on Jacks?
JACKIE
Don’t be ridiculous
BRIAN
Oh come on, please
JACKIE
For a start you’ve had a bleedin bite out of it and after what you said about our tits you can piss off
BRIAN
But it’s off in 2 minutes!!
JACKIE
What do you want us to pay you out in if it wins? Ten pies?
BRIAN
No, it’s worth a quid so take it as a quid
JACKIE
I don’t think Nathaniel would be too happy when he comes in to see the day’s takings and I hand him a half eaten pie
BRIAN
Carol?
CAROL
Need a tit job was it? Anyway it’s not legal tender
JIM
His pies are never tender
SIMON
Hey that’s top quality meat that is
JIM
About as top quality as a Findus Lasagne. Desert Orchid has more beef in it than those pies
SIMON
Well you can have your expressos and paganinis instead then. Come on Rooney we’re off.
(SIMON and ROONEY exit the premises)
BRIAN
Come on it counts as a stake! Hey yeah stake you see and this is a steak pie so you’ve got to take it
CAROL
It’s meat and potato, now stop being a clown
JACKIE
The race is off now anyway so take your pie off the counter – bloody crumbs everywhere
CAROL
It’s on Channel 4 so you can turn Loose Women over and watch it if you want. Her that was married to Reg Holdsworth is getting on my tits anyway.
BRIAN
(Biting pie dismissively) Don’t bloody want to watch it now
(JIM turns to the TV over with the broom handle to hear the closing stages of Brian’s Bullet romping home to a ten lengths victory. Brian looks in disgust at the last mouthful of pie and throws it in anger towards the front door. It flies past a well dressed man in his mid-twenties who is too desperate to get to the counter to notice the pie fly past his head. The man is fair haired and good looking and has a stethoscope around his neck. Flashing blue lights are visible through the frosted glass door.)
DOCTOR
£10 on Sheffield Hysterical in the 2.30 at Worcester please
JIM
Is that an ambulance outside?
JACKIE
Certainly Doctor Parkes, how are we today?
CAROL
Doctor – I’ve been meaning to ask you about my erm.....droppage
DOCTOR
I’m in a rush today ladies, could you just put this bet.....droppage?
CAROL
Yeah you know (Nods downwards) droppage
(Doctor Parkes continues to look confused)
JACKIE
Her tuppence has lost its fight with gravity
CAROL
My Volvo is driving south
DOCTOR
Volvo? Look...erm Mrs....Mrs King could you make an appointment with the receptionist and I’ll be glad to take a look at your Vol...to discuss your concerns. I’ll have to dash.
(DOCTOR PARKES grabs the betting slip from JACKIE and races for the door, as he opens the door we can hear him shouting ‘SORRY MRS PURVES, OK LET’S GO’ followed by the sound of sirens and the blue flashing lights disappear)
CAROL
(Dreamily) Mrs King he called me! Did you hear that? So formal and to think he’s gonna be rummaging around my knackered lovebox.
JIM
(Looking out of the window at the disappearing ambulance) I think that lad has a betting problem
BRIAN
Yeah you two going all gooey over him when he’s got a betting problem
JACKIE
I’m sorry? Who was that who just tried to place a bet with 50% of a pie?
CAROL
Yeah the day Doctor Parkes tries to gamble with half eaten pastry goods you can criticise
JACKIE
He could offer me his meat any day
(JACKIE and CAROL cackle)
BRIAN
(Grabbing his crotch and thrusting) He wouldn’t know what to do with it!
CAROL
And you do – do you?
BRIAN
Want to find out?
CAROL
No I’ll die in blissful ignorance thank you very much – besides your mum may interrupt us
BRIAN
No she won’t (pause) I’ll put her extra pills in her Horlicks
JIM
(Misty eyed) He was lovely when our Bridie passed away – did absolutely everything he could.
JACKIE
Have you been up to see her recently Jim love?
JIM
Well I was going up every week but they stopped the number 28 bus now so I don’t know what I’m going to do
JACKIE
Oh you just let me know Jim and I’ll give you a lift up
JIM
That’s grand of you, you’re an angel so you are Jacqueline
(Phone rings)
CAROL
What’s that?
JACKIE
Is it your mobile?
CAROL
No when that rings it’s our Charlie singing Gangnam Style, do you remember?
JACKIE
Oh yes can’t believe I forgot
CAROL
It’s coming from over here
(CAROL starts shuffling lots of paper on the desk before finally uncovering an old telephone in the corner)
CAROL (CONT’D)
Hey bloody hell I never knew this was still here, what shall I do?
JACKIE
Answer it
CAROL
Hello? Yes! Hello Nathaniel love. (To others) It’s Nathaniel! (Returning to phone) What’s up? Yeah....yeah....course I will cock – yep.....yep....you take care of yourself now – give my love to your mum (adopts sultry voice) and save some for yourself. (CAROL looks quizzically at the phone) He’s been cut off.
JACKIE
What did he want?
CAROL
He’s giving us a date for refu....refur....for tarting it up. He’s starting a week tomorrow
BRIAN
Bloody hell that’s quick
JIM
He didn’t become a millionaire by letting the grass grow over his Italian brogues did he?
JACKIE
Oh well we better start thinking of ways to say goodbye to this old place
CAROL
I wonder how it’s going to look?
BRIAN
I’m going for a shit...and a fag
JACKIE
Well push that bloody window right open
CAROL
Oh god he’s on the move
(RAINMAN is slowly getting off his stool, double checking his betting slip and walks very, very slowly towards the counter with all eyes upon him)
JIM
What nonsense is it going to be today?
JACKIE
Lord only knows but I think Nathaniel will end up barring him
JIM
When was the last time you were able to take one of his bets?
CAROL
Oh we take em all these days – they pay for our dinners. (CAROL points to a jam jar filled with pound coins and silver with a sticker on it that reads ‘RAIN MAN’S BETS). He’s none the bloody wiser.
RAINMAN
(Strange low voice) Royal baby
(RAINMAN pushes the slip across to JACKIE who examines it looking surprised)
CAROL
What’s he gone for the name of the baby?
JIM
That’s quite normal, you’ll have to take that bet
JACKIE
Is that what you want love, to guess the name of Kate and Wills’ baby? What name do you want put money on? Or is it just the sex?
RAINMAN
No, coloured
CAROL
What?
RAINMAN
£1 on the baby being black
BRIAN
(Returning from toilet) I’ve blocked the bogs
JACKIE
Jesus Christ (Crossing herself)
THE END
