BUMS ON SEATS
BY
CLIVE WARD
Running time 15 minutes
Clive Ward
14 Melton ave
Littleover
Derby
Tel 01332760765
Synopsis
Baz works as a fork lift driver at ?Golden Roll? a toilet roll manufacturers, he?s been there six months, an all time record. Always struggling to pay the bills in a recession Redundancies are looming something happens to Baz that changes his life forever.
The opening credits are written on an unravelling toilet roll.
THE FANSHAWS
BAZ male mid forties, fat Elvis Look-alike!!!
IRIS female mid forties aging dizzy blonde
SHANE male early twenty?s scruffy
CHANTELLE female late teens dippy
OTHERS
DEBT COLLECTOR
LOCATIONS
INT. The living room
INT. The kitchen
SCENE 1 INT THE FANSHAWS LIVING ROOM
The whole room is cheap and nasty stained loud sofa, wood-effect plastic dining table with a gaudy tablecloth (covered in oil). Above the fireplace is a giant painting of an aging Elvis in full Las Vegas gear
A big pyramid of toilet rolls is stacked up behind the TV, but there are also loads of rolls strewn all over the floor even in the fridge!
IRIS IS READING A TRAVEL BROCHURE, CHANTELE IS CLENSING HER SKIN (FACE) IN A HAND MIRROR SHANE IS CLEANING STRIPPED DOWN MOTORBIKE AND CAR PARTS ON THE DINING TABLE
IRIS; Will you get that motorbike junk off my dining room table; your dad will be home in a minute. Why can?t you do that in the garden?
CHANT?S: Yeah, we?ve got to eat our dinner off that table.
SHANE: Why, have we run out of plates?
CHANT?SVery funny Shane ? it?s about time you went out and found a job.
SHANE
I?ve got a job? I make old motorbikes into new motorbikes.
CHANTELLE
No you don?t? you steal motorbikes, strip them down and turn them into pieces of junk that aren't even good enough for the scrapheap.
SHANE
And you get a boyfriend one day, strip him of all his cash, and then dump him on the scrap heap with the rest of them? I don?t know what the blokes see in you.
CHANTELE ADMIRES HERSELF IN THE MIRROR
CHANTELE
They see someone who is beautiful, and has a great personality.
SHANE
Or maybe, they see a smiling chicken with a small egg.
CHANTELE
A what?
SHANE GRINNING
An easy lay.
CHANTELE
Mum tell him
IRIS
Shane, less of it. You don?t talk to your sister like that.
CHANTELLE
Yeah? When was the last time you had a girlfriend?
SHANE
You?ve made me go wrong now!!
CHANTELE
?Touched a nerve, have I?
SHANE
I?m waiting for the right girl to come along. Until then, I?ll make do with my bikes.
CHANTELE
A bike? that?s about all you're likely to get your leg over.
SHANE
At least I haven?t got everyone calling me a bike.
IRIS
Will you two pack it in, you?re behaving like a couple of kids.
CHANTELE GROPES AMONGST THE CLUTTER ON THE TABLE, TAKES A JAR AND BEGINS APPLYING THE CONTENTS TO HER FACE.
LONG PAUSE
SHANE
Chants?
CHANTELE
What?
SHANE
Why are you putting my grease on your face?
CHANTELE
ARGH!!? I thought it was my moisturiser
BAZ ENTERS THE ROOM, SHANE IS ROLLING AROUND LAUGHING, IRIS SMILES
BAZ
Evening all
CHANTELLE
Hi dad? will you tell Shane to?
BAZ LOOK?S AT CHANTELE
BAZ
Scary, what happened to you?
CHANTELE
It?s Shane?s bike grease.
SHANE
It?s the recession dad, have you seen the price face cream
CHANTELLE IS ANGRY
CHANTELE
You?re just as bad as him. Mum, tell them. Mum, this isn?t coming off.
SHANE
Good, I hope it sets.
BAZ
Try using some of Shane?s de-greaser, that?ll shift anything'. What?s for tea, I?m starving?
IRIS
Roasted exhaust pipe, followed by, petrol tank surprise with lashings of oil, just not of the olive variety.
SHANE
Thank God for that. For a moment there, I thought we had to put up with mum?s cooking.
IRIS
You?re asking for a clipped ear sonny.
BAZ TAPS SHANE ON THE SHOULDER A IS POINTING
BAZ
Yes you, why are their lumps of scrap metal all over my drive? I want them moved, now, it?s like the Iraqi desert after Desert Storm out there.
NO RESPONSE
BAZ
Shane are you listening to me? If you don?t move them, I?ll move them for you? down the scrap yard, and the money I get for them, can go towards the food and board you should be paying me. I?m bloody sick of your bits of cars and motor bikes all around the house.
CHANTELLE
And me.
SHANE
Oh yeah! What about all that Elvis junk?
IRIS AND CHANTELE TAKE IN A BREATH
BAZ
You what?
SHANE
All that lots good for is a car boot sale. Look at it, it?s tacky and sad I can?t go anywhere in this house without Elvis starring me in the face.
IRIS
Don?t start him off Shane.
BAZ
Don?t you talk about the king like that?
BAZ NOW STANDS UP, WALKS OVER TO THE SIDE BOARD AND PICKS UP ONE OF HIS SOUVENIRS AND PUTS IT CLOSE TO SHANE?S FACE
BAZ
You see this boy? YOU SEE THIS? genuine Elvis handkerchief. I can still smell the King?s sweat on it ?Priceless.
BAZ TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND SNIFFS, SHANE TURNS AND SNEEZES ON IT.
BAZ
Be more bloody careful you disrespectful little shit! It?s worth a fortune
BAZ PICKS UP MORE ELVIS STUFF
BAZ
Framed picture of Elvis, with original autograph, limited edition.. Priceless
SHANE LOOKS AT IT SMURKING ARME FOLDED
SHANE
I?ve seen loads of them down the car boot.
In fact, every stall has to have one, It?s mandatory, along with curling tongues and hair straightener?s. or you wont get in
BAZ
And my pride and joy ?.A pair of genuine Elvis?s Y fronts, the actual ones he wore on the night he died.
BAZ LOVINGLY PUTS THEM NEXT TO HIS FACE
SHANE
Bollocks who told you that?
BAZ
They are I?ve got the paperwork to prove it
SHANE
Bloody hell, you didn?t hang about. It?s a wonder you didn?t get arrested. Was he still warm when you took them off him?
BAZ HOLDS UP A STEERING WHEEL AND HANDLE BARS
BAZ
It?s worth a lot more than these lumps of metal.
SHANE
Watch what you?re doing That steering wheel you?re holding is the actual steering wheel from the car James Dean crashed in.
BAZ LOOKS CONFUSED, THEN REALISES SHANE'S WINDING HIM UP
SHANE
You see, you're not the only one who can talk out of your exhaust pipe.
BAZ
Go and shift that junk now.
SHANE
Okay? okay, I?m going. Before you show us the condom Elvis used for his first leg over.
SHANE WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM
BAZ
Kids nowadays, they?ve got no respect. They have it too easy?they expect everything on a plate?well, where?s me tea? I could eat a horse.
IRIS IS STILL READING A TRAVEL BROCHURE
IRIS
There is none?! I haven?t got anything in.
BAZ
Why not? do you realize how hard I work and what happened to that house keeping money I gave you last week?
IRIS
I paid a bill with it.
BAZ
What did you go and do that for, you silly cow? Putting food on the table is more important than a poxy bill. What bill was it anyway?
IRIS LOOKS ANGRY
IRIS
Your Elvis Presley Fan Club fees!.
BAZ
Oh, that?s different then.
IRIS
Eh Baz, have you seen this, 7 days self catering in Tossa for ?159, that?s not bad is it? Or?
BAZ CHANGES HIS TONE AND SOUNDS SAD
BAZ
Iris, I?ve got something to tell you.
IRIS
14 days in Majorca for ?199, that?s not bad is it?
BAZ
You?re not gonna want to hear this.
IRIS
Or?
BAZ RAISES HIS VOICE
BAZ
Will you put that brochure down? I?m trying to tell you something.
IRIS
What?
BAZ
I can?t afford to go on holiday this year.
IRIS
Can?t you dear? Oh that?s a pity. Chantelle and me will have to go on our own.
IRIS AND CHANTELLE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE
BAZ (ANGRY)
This is no time for jokes Iris.
IRIS
Why what?s up?
BAZ
It looks like I?ll be looking for a new job come tomorrow. The boss wants to see me in the morning.
IRIS
Not again Baz? what have you done this time? You haven?t been drawing willies with faces like the boss on the toilet wall again?
BAZ
No of course not and anyway someone else added the faces.
CHANTELLE
So why do they want to see you Dad?
BAZ
They?re going to lay me off
IRIS
Why? You?ve only been there 6 months
BAZ
First in first out that?s the way things are nowadays They?re just not selling as many bog rolls as they used to. A national outbreak of diarrhoea that would put bums on seats!
BAZ
No it looks like I?m about to join the unemployed ?I?ll never find another job at my age.
BAZ GETS UP AND LOOKS DOWN AT THE TABLE
BAZ
I?ll kill him, where is he?
BAZ WALK?S TOWARDS THE DOOR
CHANTELLE
What?s the matter, what?s Shane done now?
IRIS
He?s only used one of your dads Elvis?s bath towels as a cleaning rag.
SHANE WALKS IN
SHANE
Debt collectors outside
BAZ
Shit Iris Rotweilers now
FX THE DOOR BELL RINGS
IRIS PRESSES THE CD BUTTON
FX CD SAVAGE DOGS BARKING
FX THE DOOR BELL RINGS
BAZ IS LOOKING THROUGHN THE WINDOW BEHIND THE CURTAIN
BAZ
Has he gone?!
BAZ OPENS THE DOOR TO THE DEBT COLLECTOR
BAZ
Chantelle it?s for you! I think it?s your pimp and drug dealer! What do you want?
DEBT COLLECTOR
I?ve come to take back the three-piece suite, hi -fi and television. You haven?t kept up the repayments, have you Mr Fanshaw?
BAZ
Not now. Can?t you come back later? I?m just about to have my dinner.
DEBT COLLECTOR
Oh, I?ve come to take the cooker away as well? mmm smells good what is it?
BAZ
Dog food curry, want some?
BAZ TRIES TO SHUT THE DOOR BUT HE HIS THEIR FEET IN IT
BAZ
This is private property; sling your hook, before I call the police.
DEBT COLLECTOR
No, this is council property Mr Fanshaw, and you are also eight weeks in arrears with your rent. I?m ringing this door bell every other night of the week for one debt or another.
BAZ
Just hold on there a minute, will you
BAZ GOES BACK INDOORS LEAVES THE DOOR SLIGHTLY AJAR AND FACES IRIS, THEY WHISPER
IRIS
Baz, I was going to tell you, but the bills kept mounting up.
BAZ
I didn?t think things were that bad, haven?t we got any money at all?
IRIS
No, not Monday, but that?s spoken for? Monday nights bingo nights remember?
BAZ
Sorry but we haven?t got any money, we?re flat broke.
DEBT COLLECTOR
That?s not good enough Mr Fanshaw. If you can?t pay me tomorrow I?ll have to take action to repossess your goods and I have no doubt the council will be serving you with an eviction order
BAZ
Listen I?ll have the money for you in a few days, honest? you know how it is, it?s the wife?s birthday tomorrow and I want to buy her something special.
DEBT COLLECTOR
Okay, but this is your last chance. I?ll be back the same time tomorrow oh and don?t bother with Rottweiler tapes anymore its wearing a bit thin?
BAZ SHUTS THE DOOR BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM
CHANTELLE
They?ll be back, and then what are we going to do?
BAZ
I?ll pay them off, tomorrow
IRIS
What with?
BAZ
With one of Shane?s old motorbikes.
SHANE
What?
BAZ
Calm down son it was joke Right, I?m off round my mums, to see if she?ll borrow me some money until payday.
BAZ IS WALKING TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR IRIS RUNS AFTER HIM
IRIS
Wait? Baz if she gives you any money, have a fiver on the lottery usual numbers!!.
BAZ
If I remember.
SCENE .2. THE LATER LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN
IRIS IS WASHING THE POTS WHILE LISTENING TO THE RADIO
Iris is blankly looking out of the kitchen window
FX. THE SOUND OF THE RADIO
? That was the weather forecast and if you missed last nights national lottery draw, the numbers were 5 11 14 22 36 39 and the bonus number was 2. Indications are, there are three lucky jackpot winners, each winning a total of 5.3 million pounds each.
CHANTELLE AND SHANE ARE IN THE FRONT ROOM WHEN THEY HEAR THEIR MUM DROP A LOAD OF PLATES
FX. CRASH
IRIS
They?re our numbers. Quick find your dad?s jeans. The ones he was wearing last night. If he put our the lottery numbers on like I asked him to, we?ve won?. we?re rich quick quick.
CHANTELLE FINDS THEM AND PICKS THEM UP WITH THE HOOK OF A COATHANGER
CHANTELE
Stop shaking Mum you mean these ones?
IRIS
That?s them. Look in the pockets. Come on Baz, don?t let me down, please.
CHANTELE
You can sod off. I?m not touching dad?s trousers! Not even for a million quid.
SHANE HOLDS UP THE LOITTERY TICKET
Is this it?
IRIS
Where was that?
SHANE
In his jacket pocket with his condoms? only joking.
IRIS
I wouldn?t care if a pair of someone else?s knickers was in there, as long as that?s the winning ticket you?ve got in your hand.
SHANE WITH HIS BACK TO HIS MUM PULLS OUT A PAIR OF KNICKERS HE SMILES
IRIS TAKES THE TICKET OFF SHANE SHE AS TO SIT DOWN
Oh my God? oh my God? We?re rich, quick, I?ve got to phone your dad at work.
IRIS PICKS UP HER MOBILE
IRIS
This is Mrs Gibson ? can I speak to my husband Baz please? What? ?Not in works time company policy?.
IRIS
Well, can you give him a message? Can you tell him we?ve won 5 million pounds on the Lottery and tell him to tell his boss to shove his job right up his?goodbye
IRIS IS FANING HERSELF WITH THE TICKET
Ha, that told him?I can?t believe it, ?I?m still in shock five million, I?ll be able to do all the things I?ve always wanted to do, like go to Las Vegas, buy a villa in Spain.
CHANTELLE
I know what dad will want to do, go to visit Elvis?s grave in Graceland?s.
SHANE
I can?t think of any thing sadder than that.
CHANTELLE
Oh yeah, what?re you going to do then Shane?
SHANE
Me. I think I?ll buy my own scrap yard.
IRIS
Buy this house off the council then.
SHANE TAKES THE TICKET OFF IRIS AND EXAMINES IT
SHANE
Hold on a minute? this is last Saturday?s ticket, look at the date.
IRIS
You?re joking, tell me you?re joking.
CHANTELLE
I knew it was too good to be true.
SHANE HANDS THE TICKET BACK TO IRIS
SHANE
Dream on mum, I can?t wait to see dad?s face when you tell him we haven?t won a bean. This is going to be fun.
IRIS
Oh my God. He?ll be home in a minute. What am I going to tell him? Sorry Baz dear, it was a wind up, we?re still flat broke, after he?s just told his boss to shove his job, he?s going to go ballistic.
CHANTELLE
I?ve got a one pound scratch card winner. You could tell him you were wrong, we haven?t won as much as you thought
SCENE .3. THE LATER LIVING ROOM
Everyone is sat around dumbstruck and miserable Chantelle looks like she?s on the verge of tears.
When Baz arrives they all look up at him like they?ve just shot his grandmother. He however has a mile-wide grin on his face. There is a long tract of silence that is finally broken by Shane burping loudly and Chantelle almost simultaneously starting to cry.
CHANTELLE AND SHANE GET UP TO LEAVE THE ROOM
CHANTELLE
I?m off upstairs to do my homework.
SHANE
I?m off to check on my allotment in the attic.
IRIS
No you don?t, you stay in here, I need protection.
BAZ
I?m in the money? I?m in the money? what?s everyone looking so glum about?
BAZ THEN GIVES OUT PRESENTS TO EVERY ONE. THEY ARE STILL LOOKING GLUM FACED
BAZ
For Shane a new tool kit.
SHANE
Cheers dad.
BAZ
And for Chants a new hair dryer.
CHANTELLE
Wow, thanks dad.
BAZ
And for my wonderful, lovely, adorable, wife box of her favourite chocolates and?
IRIS
Before you say anything else Baz, sit down, I?ve got something to tell you.
BAZ
I?ve got something to tell you.
IRIS
No, I?ve got something to tell you.
BAZ HAS NOW GOT HIS ARM ROUND HER
BAZ
No Iris I?ve got something to tell you.
IRIS
No, I?ve got something to tell you.
SHANE
For crying out loud tell each other will yer
BAZ
I?ve gone and booked you and me on a two week cruise in the Med.
IRIS PUTS HER HEAD IN HER, HANDS SHANE STARTS GIGGLING
BAZ
Okay, out with it, what?s up?
IRIS
Baz love? I don?t know how to say this. We haven?t won the lottery after all.
BAZ
Haven?t we, oh well, never mind, there?s always next week.
IRIS, SHANE AND CHANTELLE ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER CONFUSED
IRIS
You?re not bothered?
BAZ
No! Eh guess what, you?ll never believe this, I?ve been promoted.
SHANE
Well done dad, does that mean you?ll be putting the holes in the middle of the toilet rolls now?
BAZ
You?re now looking at the new Production Manager of Golden Roll, and here was me thinking I was going to be sacked?I was sitting in his office just then out of the blue he changed his mind he even asked me if I wanted become a partner in his business
IRIS
Was that after he just put the phone down?
BAZ
In fact yes some one did ring?.come on, you should all be happy? this will change our lives.
CHANTELLE
Well done daddy, I knew you were the brains of the family.
IRIS STILL AS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS
BAZ
Right, that?s it, I?m not sitting around looking at your glum faces all night, I?m off down the pub to celebrate?
BAZ
I?ll go then okay?
BAZ LEAVES THE ROOM, THERE IS SILENCE
BAZ IS BACK WITH A LOTTERY TICKET IN HIS HAND
BAZ
By the way, does anybody know last night?s lottery numbers?
THEY ALL LOOK BLANKLY AT EACH OTHER, THEN REALISE THEY HAVE WON THE LOTTERY AFTER ALL AND GO CRAZY BAZ STANDS THERE WITH A DUMB LOOK ON HIS FACE
THE END?
SYNOPSES OF FUTURE EPISODES
EPISODE 2 MOVING IN
Baz buys a house next door to Charles the owner of Golden Roll, he calls it Graceland?s?but spells Graceland?s wrong? Baz invites Charles and family to his house warming party? Charles feels obliged to go even though he hates Baz and his lower class family. But saving his business is all that?s on his mind.
And Baz and his money is the key.
Charles turns up in a tuxedo and looks well out of place, there are Elvis look-alikes everywhere. The episode ends when the next day Charles is arrested for drink driving and theft of Baz?s new pink Cadillac.
EPISODE 3 THE NEW SHARE HOLDER
Charles offers Baz a share of his business for a price, but Baz is not interested, he just want?s to carry on doing his old forklift job, even though he doesn?t have to work for the rest of his life. Baz misses his mates to much.
This frustrates Charles knowing Baz has got all that money and he?s to tight to part with it. Charles and his son then plan to set fire to the factory so they can claim on the insurance, but unknowingly Baz saves the factory from being gutted, ends up in hospital and is a hero.
EPISODE 4 YOU ARE FIRED
The headlines in the local paper read (LOCAL HERO SAVES FACTORY FROM INFERNO)? Charles is fuming his plan failed, but the sales of his toilet rolls go crazy in the publicity? Charles doesn?t need Baz?s money any more so he finds some petty excuse to sack him, but then realises he?s made a big mistake when the headlines in the local read LOCAL HERO SACKED SHOCKER, suddenly sales plummet when customers boycott their product. Baz gets re- instated
EPISODE 5 THE JAPANESE TAKE OVER
A Japanese toilet roll company is interested in buying Golden Roll
Charles and son are all excited preparing for the visit, but there?s only one problem. Baz knows that if the Japs do take over, they?ll be job cuts.
So when the they visit, he tries his hardest to put them off. Charles tells his work force if one of the Japanese speak to you, you must bow and he will bow back, but Baz has other idea?s. In the end the Jap?s decide against buying Golden Roll.
EPISODE 6 THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY
Charles?s worries are over. Baz becomes a shareholder only because his son Shane is planning to marry Michele, Charles?s daughter, which he doesn?t agree with as he doesn?t want Baz?s son as a son in law. But if this means his business is saved, so be it. The main thing on his mind now is the embarrassment of the engagement party.
