INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT Karen and Gareth are sat on a secluded table for two.
KAREN
Gareth, sorry I was so late. The
other girls were going for a drink
after work and I couldn't say no to
that.
GARETH
(Shrugs)
I completely understand Karen. I've
been here maybe twenty minutes at
the most and its free refills here!
So I was quids in.
KAREN
I knew you'd understand.
Gareth subtly takes a diamond ring out of his pocket and
takes a big breath.
KAREN (CONT'D)
(Oblivious)
I'm pleased you booked the table
tonight Gareth, as there was
something I wanted to meet with you
to review.
GARETH
Really? Me too.
KAREN
Shoot, what's on your agenda?
GARETH
No, no. You first my dear.
KAREN
Well OK, point one. You and I have
been together some time now. Our
relationship might even be
described as a form of partnership
...
GARETH
Oh you're so right Karen and...
KAREN
Please Gareth, do you think I could
finish my agenda points, before we
start with the feedback?
GARETH
Sorry, of course darling.
KAREN
Thank you. So like many
partnerships, eventually they must
evolve... So to point number two,
I've met someone else.
GARETH
What?
KAREN
Feedback...
Gareth stares blankly back at Karen for a moment.
KAREN (CONT'D)
Perhaps, some open questions to me
might be sensible next step?
GARETH
(Trying to be strong)
Errr....
KAREN
What, where, when, why, how?
GARETH
Errr... Why?
KAREN
No you're right, best to move on.
Point three, would you like to meet
him?
GARETH
What?
KAREN
I told him to wait outside... I
thought it could have been awkward
otherwise.
GARETH
Awkward?
KAREN
Ergo... Can Leroy joins us?
GARETH
Leory?...
Karen sends a text from her phone.
Gareth tries to compose himself.
KAREN
He's just coming in. I think you'll
love him.
GARETH
He's coming in?
KAREN
He's one of those really complete
guys. Witty, athletic and truly
fantastic in bed.
GARETH
That does sound complete.
KAREN
Just thinking Gareth, maybe you
should only stay for the starter?
GARETH
Right, yes... Of course.
INT. GARETH'S FLAT FRONT DOOR. DAY.
Gareth, looking dishevelled, opens his front door to see his
friends Gordon and Batesey, who's holding a plastic bag.
GARETH
Hey guys.
GORDON
Mate, I'm so sorry.
BATESEY
You look rough.
GARETH
Leory just friend requested me on
Facebook.
Gordon makes a pained expression.
BATESEY
I hoped you told him to; piss off
or your kick his arse!
GARETH
You can't do that on Facebook
Batesey.
GORDON
I think Gareth is trying to take
the higher ground Batesey.
BATESEY
Well I'm just saying what I would
do.
GARETH
What's in the bag?
BATESEY
Beer and porn.
GARETH
You better come in then.
INT. GARETH'S LOUNGE. DAY
Gareth, Gordon and Batesey are sat on the sofa drinking beer.
GORDON
You should write a diary, help vent
your negative feelings about your
separation.
BATESEY
That's seriously gay and just what
I'd expect from a pussy whipped
married guy like you Gordon!
GARETH
Maybe I should.
BATESEY
What! Are you both secretly gay?
GARETH
Batesey, I've got to do something
to get over feeling like this. I've
got to move on. I mean, at least
Karen's happy.
BATESEY
At least that skank moose is happy?
GORDON
Batesey, that type of attitude
doesn't help.
BATESEY
Yeah well his problem is, he's too
nice!
GARETH
No I'm not.
GORDON
Batesey's right there, you are
quite nice mate.
BATESEY
I'm telling you... If that had
happened to me last night, I would
have gone all ninja on him.
GARETH
Ninja?
Batesey jumps up and starts to punch thin air.
BATESEY
Yeah I would have been like, hey
Leory... Meet my friend Mr Slappy!
(punching his fist in the
air)
Slap! Slap!
GORDON
Batesey, just so I'm clear, is that
a different hand to Mr Wanky?
BATESEY
What you talking about Gordon?
GORDON
You're hardly an expert when it
comes to women.
GARETH
That's not really me anyway
Batesey.
BATESEY
Exactly, women hate nice guys. I
bet this new guy is a right
bastard, like me. It's probably
what Karen sees in him.
GARETH
Do you think so?
BATESEY
I mean look a Batman.
GORDON
Batman?
BATESEY
Yeah Batman. He has minge crawling
all over him.
GORDON
Batman?
BATESEY
Yeah, he's got that slut in a cat
suit for one!
GORDON
Catwoman?
BATESEY
That's just one of the hoes.
GORDON
It's a comic Batesey, it's not
real.
BATESEY
Yeah, you keep telling yourself
that Gordon. Most informed people
know it's based on a real person.
GORDON
What!
BATESEY
You know, that's what a nice guy
like you needs to do Gareth. Become
a superhero.
GARETH
A superhero?
BATESEY
Leave it with me, I'll take care of
everything.
EXT. HIGH STREET. DAY
Batesey walks into a fancy dress shop.
INT. PUB. NIGHT.
Gareth, Gordon and Batesey are drinking.
BATESEY
So I found you an outfit?
GARETH
An outfit?
BATESEY
A superhero outfit?
GORDON
Why?
BATESEY
Why do you think? So Gareth can
become a superhero and win Karen
back!
GARETH
Batesey I'm not sure...
BATESEY
Look at me, take the opportunity to
learn from one who knows. Your only
hope is to become a superhero.
GORDON
Jesus, I'm the married one around
here! I'm the one...
GARETH
Batesey, Gordon's right...
BATESEY
Have you seen his wife?
GORDON
What!
GARETH
Everyone calm down! Let's just hear
him out Gordon.
GORDON
You're becoming as mad as him.
Batesey nods and puts a carrier bag on the table.
BATESEY
So I was thinking some kind of
animal outfit right, like Batman.
Fast, powerful...
GARETH
(Looking into the bag)
Batesey?
BATESEY
Yes Gareth?
GARETH
Batesey, there's a horses outfit in
this bag?
Batesey nods.
GARETH (CONT'D)
How many super heroes do you know,
that dress up like a horse?
BATESEY
Exactly.
Gareth checks the outfit in the bag again.
GARETH
(Frustrated)
It's a horses outfit, for two
people?
BATESEY
I thought you might want me to be
involved too?
GARETH
What? As my backside?
Gordon laughs
GORDON
I can see you guys now, galloping
round town fighting crime!
BATESEY
I suppose I didn't think it
entirely through.
GORDON
Is it a bird? Is it plane? No it's
Super Horse!
BATESEY
Well we could just wear one end
each.
GORDON
(Laughing)
One bloody end each!
BATESEY
Yeah, Gareth could wear the back
end, it's where all the power is.
GORDON
Let me get this right in my mind,
you want Gareth to walk round
wearing the backside of a horse?
BATESEY
Yeah, maybe he could wear a bandana
round his head with a horses tail
at the back, to make it clear he
was a horse.
GORDON
Yeah and why doesn't he wear a
chain round his neck with a big
horses cock on?
BATESEY
That wouldn't be very realistic...
GORDON
You think?
BATESEY
Where would the testicles be?
GARETH
Well listen Batesey, this is all
great but you can't just become
superheroes.
BATESEY
So you're saying you like the
outfit?
GARETH
No. In addition to me hating the
outfit, I'm saying if we went out
onto the street to keep it safe, we
would end up having the crap kicked
out of us.
GORDON
Or laughed at.
BATESEY
I know what you're saying Gareth.
GORDON
Or arrested.
BATESEY
I'll be round yours first thing
tomorrow, to start your training.
GARETH
Training? Batesey I have work
tomorrow.
BATESEY
Jesus Gareth. I don't think you'd
hear Batman say that! That's just
the type of line that probably got
you dumped!
GORDON
Well I for one am going to work
tomorrow.
BATESEY
This is an opportunity Gareth,
don't let it pass you by. Like they
say in Trainspotting... Live life.
GORDON
Nice, you're now not only quoting
fictional characters to give advice
but fictional characters who were
also heroin addicts.
BATESEY
Maybe I should have asked Leroy,
I'm sure he'd be well up for it.
GARETH
OK, OK, I'm in.
INT. GARETH'S FLAT FRONT DOOR. DAY.
Gareth answers the door to see Batesey dressed up like Rambo.
BATESEY
Welcome to Training Day.
INT. GARETH'S LIVING ROOM.
Batesey is stood in the middle of the room looking ready to
pounce.
BATESEY
Right, first part of the training,
basic self defence.
GARETH
Batesey, what do you know about
self defence?
BATESEY
You'll see. Try and surprise me,
try anything!
GARETH (O.S.)
Anything?
BATESEY
Don't worry! I'll go easy on you.
Gareth picks up a vase and smashes Batesey over the head with
it, knocking Batesey to the floor.
GARETH
Are you alright mate?
BATESEY
Ow. You didn't check I was ready.
INT. CORRIDOR BY GARETH'S FLAT.
Gareth and Batesey are stood in a corridor of Gareth's block
of flat.
BATESEY
Sometimes Gareth, you can just put
a felon off by merely screaming
abuse at them.
GARETH
Really?
BATESEY
Scares the crap out of them, they
hate it. It's the power of being a
HMF.
GARETH
HMF?
BATESEY
A hard mother...
GARETH
OK I think I get it.
BATESEY
Right, you go down the stairs and
then walk back up, so I can
demonstrate it.
GARETH
Do I have to?
BATESEY
It won't work unless there's the
power of surprise.
GARETH
Really?
Batesey glares at Gareth, who then walks down the stairwell.
Batesey starts to warm himself up.
Batesey hears foot steps coming up the stairs.
BATESEY
(As a figure walks round
the corner he shouts)
You filthy skank hound! I'll finish
you!
A man with a woman holding a baby are stood in front Batesey.
BATESEY (CONT'D)
(tries to smile)
Oh you're not Gareth... I didn't
mean that stuff about being a skank
hound.
INT. CORRIDOR BY GARETH'S FLAT. MOMENTS LATER
Gareth jumps round the corner.
Batesey is lying on the floor.
GARETH
What happened to you?
BATESEY
(Holding his stomach)
Where the bloody hell have you
been?
GARETH
Oh this familywere coming up the
stairs, so I thought I should let
them go first. I didn't want them
to get caught up in this.
BATESEY
(Angry)
You didn't want them to get caught
up in this?!
GARETH
What?
INT. GARETH'S FLAT. LATER.
Gareth and Batesey are stood in Gareth's lounge.
BATESEY
Right, attack me Gareth.
GARETH
Are you sure?
BATESEY
And not with any objects this time
please.
GARETH
If I have to.
The two start to circle each other.
BATESEY
Come on Gazza.
Batesey starts to dance around.
BATESEY (CONT'D)
Come on mate, try and get me, God
knows your mum has a few times.
GARETH
Why you!
Gareth kicks him in the groin and Batesey collapses.
GARETH (CONT'D)
Sorry mate, are you alright? I just
flipped.
BATESEY
(In a high strained voice)
Ow.
INT. GARETH'S FLAT. DAY.
Gareth and Batesey are having a beer on the sofa.
GARETH
I'm not sure about all this mate.
BATESEY
What? Well if you don't want to
save Karen.
GARETH
Save Karen? What do you mean?
BATESEY
Yeah, I didn't want have to tell
you this but Karen's new man's a
drug dealer. A real kingpin.
GARETH
What! Why do think that?
BATESEY
For one thing, look at the picture
of his car.
GARETH
Wait a minute, where have you seen
a picture of his car?
BATESEY
His Facebook, it's full of them.
GARETH
Facebook?
BATESEY
Yeah, thought I'd friend request
him. Help investigate him for you.
Gareth shakes his head.
BATESEY (CONT'D)
I can keep tabs on him this way.
Every update, straight to my phone.
Where he checks in, I'm checking
him out.
GARETH
So what's his car?
BATESEY
BMW, blacked out windows...
Lowered.
GARETH
Really?
BATESEY
Do you know what his last status
update was?
GARETH
What?
BATESEY
I feel so mashed right now...
GARETH
He obviously just posted that to be
funny.
BATESEY
Oh he's funny alright, funny like a
drug dealer.
INT. PUB. THE NEXT EVENING.
Batesey, Gareth and Gordon are having a beer.
GORDON
So let me get this straight. You're
going to go out and try and be
super heroes?
BATESEY
We're going to take that bitch
Leroy down. Serve some street
justice.
GORDON
Maybe I should go with you guys,
try and keep you out of trouble.
GARETH
What?
BATESEY
Who would you be; Super Mum?
GARETH
I thought you were dead against
this Gordon?
BATESEY
No it's alright Gareth, he's Super
Mum... He could walk round with
some fake tits on and wear an apron
as a cape!
GORDON
I think I could handle myself a bit
better than some other people I
could mention.
BATESEY
Really?
GARETH
Gordon, I'm sure you could come
along, the more the merrier.
GORDON
Really?
BATESEY
Really?
GARETH
Sure.
GORDON
I suppose I should try and source
my own outfit then.
GARETH
Yeah we're just making our own.
BATESEY
Yeah, nothing gay though alright.
GORDON
So you're sure Leroy's a dealer?
GARETH
Well we don't...
BATESEY
Crystal meth... I think.
GORDON
God, what's that?
BATESEY
What's that? It doesn't surprise me
you don't know.
GORDON
Does Karen know he's a gangster?
GARETH
Well we're not sure...
BATESEY
She soon will. Along with the rest
of the world.
GORDON
So what's the plan then?
BATESEY
Get round the cave, for about 8
tomorrow night.
GORDON
The cave?
GARETH
Batesey's flat.
BATESEY
It's called the cave from now on
Gareth. If you're running late,
phone this number to let me know.
Batesey passes Gareth and Gordon a piece of paper with a
phone number on.
GARETH
You've got a new number?
BATESEY
Just for this stuff, pay as you
go... Untraceable.
GORDON
What's the point.
BATESEY
Business cards in phone boxes, get
the word out.
GORDON
So we're following the prostitutes
marketing model?
BATESEY
Who could question the oldest trade
in the world.
GORDON
Well, that clears that up then.
EXT. OUTSIDE BATESEY'S HOUSE. NEXT NIGHT.
Batesey, Gareth and Gordon are in the same outfits as the
opening scene. Batesey has an MP3 player and speakers on his
belt.
BATESEY
Right, let's go and get some
baddies.
GORDON
(Pointing at Batesey's
belt)
What is that?
BATESEY
My MP3 player and some speakers.
GARETH
Why have you got a MP3 player and
speakers on your belt Batesey?
BATESEY
Every super hero has great music
accompaniment!
GORDON
In a movie.
Batesey plays his music and pretends to run to help someone
and punching people.
GORDON (CONT'D)
Has he got brain damage?
GARETH
Let's just humour him.
GORDON
So where are we going?
GARETH
I don't know, where do bad guys
hang out?
GORDON
Shall we just walk round?
GARETH
(Looking at outfits)
Can we take your car?
GORDON
Yeah good idea.
Gordon and Gareth start to walk toward the car.
BATESEY
Hold on! I've got some cruising
music on here to!
EXT. CAR. LATER.
Gordon, Gareth and Batesey are driving round the town centre.
GORDON
We have been driving around for
hours.
GARETH
Yeah Batesey, it is getting late.
BATESEY
Wait look! A drug dealer! (Switches
some dramatic music on his MP3
player)
GARETH
Batesey stop with the music, it's
giving me a headache!
BATESEY
Fine. But there's a drug dealer
over there and we've got to do
something about it!
All look out of the window.
GARETH
Batesey that's just a teenage girl.
BATESEY
So you're trying to tell me teenage
girls can't be bad guys? I think
you should sort her out Gareth.
GARETH
What? Why me?
GORDON
I suppose if nothing else, it is a
bit late for her to be out on her
own like this.
GARETH
Jesus, right OK.
BATESEY
Wave your hands in the air if you
need some back up.
GARETH
Back up, right... For a teenage
girl.
EXT. STREET.MOMENTS LATER.
Gareth approaches the teenager, who is now clearly completing
a drug deal.
GARETH
Evening.
DRUG DEALER
(Looking him up and down)
What the hell?
GARETH
I don't think you should really be
doing that young lady, should you?
DRUG DEALER
Piss off.
GARETH
Ah... OK... Potty mouth too.
DRUG DEALER
Go home grandad.
GARETH
Grandad I'm only 30... ish.
DRUG DEALER
Piss off, I'm trying to work here.
GARETH
That's it young lady, you're coming
with me.
DRUG DEALER
(Pulling out knife)
I don't think so.
GARETH
(Waving hand in the air)
Err.
DRUG DEALER
(Grabs Gareth)
What the hell you doing?
GARETH
(Waving hands in the air)
Err... Help...
Bond music is now audible.
DRUG DEALER
What the...?
GARETH
Oh God...
Batesey and Gordon walk into shot as the trumpets in the
theme start.
Batesey puts his hands on his hips looking imposing, Gordon
looking slightly uncomfortable.
Gordon goes to speak but Batesey puts his hand up stopping
him.
BATESEY
Let the music play out...
DRUG DEALER
What the... Is this?
BATESEY
Excuse me for a moment.
Batesey turns MP3 player off.
BATESEY (CONT'D)
Unhand my partner please.
DRUG DEALER
Partner?
GORDON
Not in a gay way.
BATESEY
Crime fighting partner... Bitch
(winks proudly at the comment).
DRUG DEALER
Yeah! Well I'll have you all!
Drug dealer steps back waving knife.
GARETH
Get her Batesey!
BATESEY
Wait I got another track for this.
Batesey presses another button on his MP3 player, a dance
track starts playing.
Gordon charges towards the Drug Dealer, who pushes him to the
floor.
BATESEY (CONT'D)
(Screams with laughter)
Ah ha! She decked Gordon! I knew he
was a pussie and we shouldn't have
brought him!
Drug dealer slashes knife at Batesey, cutting his hand.
BATESEY (CONT'D)
Ow! Oh God I'm bleeding! I'm bloody
bleeding!
GORDON
Grab her Gareth!
Gareth grabs the girl from behind.
GARETH
Got her!
DRUG DEALER
Hey get off! Rape! Rape!
GARETH
No, No! What are you talking about!
DRUG DEALER
Help! Rape!
GORDON
Hey a policewoman's coming!
The Drug Dealer elbows Gareth and runs off.
GORDON (CONT'D)
Gareth what if she heard that girl
shout rape?
A policewoman approaches the three men.
POLICEWOMAN
Well, well. What do we have here
then?
GARETH
Evening officer... You didn't see
any of that...?
POLICEWOMAN
Oh I saw enough...
GORDON
Officer, I can assure you that I am
Assistant Manager at the bank down
the...
POLICEWOMAN
Is this how Assistant Bank managers
dress now?
GORDON
Well...
POLICEWOMAN
Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please don't
lower yourself by trying to make
excuses.
GARETH
Sorry officer... Ma'am, it wasn't
meant as an excuse it...
GORDON
My friend here was dumped recently
and...
GARETH
Gordon I wasn't dumped, it was more
of a trial separation.
BATESEY
The skankathon even introduced him
to her new boyfriend, right after
dumping him.
POLICEWOMAN
(Hushed voice)
Was it, because he has a small
penis?
BATESEY
Well, to be honest I don't know. I
haven't heard all the details. You
could make some assumptions there I
suppose..
GARETH
Hello... I am here you know and
actually it was quite an amicable
separation.
BATESEY
Then it only turns out this new
guy's a drug dealer...
POLICEWOMAN
Really?
BATESEY
I've heard he runs this town.
POLICEWOMAN
Ah... This makes sense now, the
little man decided to take a stand.
GARETH
I don't think of myself as little.
GORDON
He hit an all time low, he's even
become friends with this guy on
Facebook.
POLICEWOMAN
No way!
GORDON
I know its horrible, he sunk into
porn after that...
BATESEY
Real nasty stuff too.
GARETH
You brought it round Batesey!
POLICEWOMAN
OK, OK, this all makes sense to me
now and frankly I can empathise.
BATESEY
You're into porn too?
POLICEWOMAN
No.
BATESEY
(Disappointed)
Oh.
POLICEWOMAN
No what I meant by empathy is...
There are times when in the job
there's line and no matter what you
think yourself you can't cross
it...
GORDON
Maybe we should be getting home
now...
POLICEWOMAN
And the one wish you have, is that
you had some kind of tool or
vehicle for retribution. Someone
who could cross that line...
BATESEY
Like Batman.
POLICEWOMAN
Help clear the streets of the pond
life...
BATESEY
Wipe them clean.
POLICEWOMAN
How you got that dealer off the
street, it was awesome. I could
have arrested them ten times over
and not have them run from me the
way you got them to.
BATESEY
Scum fear us.
GARETH
What?
POLICEWOMAN
I could certainly see how a form of
relationship between us, could be
mutually beneficial.
BATESEY
You could be like Commissioner
Gordon From Batman.
POLICEWOMAN
Yes. Perhaps on occasion I could
contact you. I mean in times when
the law can't find the right kind
of... justice.
GARETH
No I don't...
GORDON
I'm not sure...
POLICEWOMAN
What's your names?
BATESEY
(Points at Gareth)
That's Dumped Man...
GARETH
Dumped Man?
BATESEY
(Points at Gordon)
He's Wuss Boy.
GORDON
No I'm...
BATESEY
An they call me The Kestrel... Or
Kestrel... No, no definitely The
Kestrel.
POLICEWOMAN
Good to meet you, I'm WPC Morris.
How can I get in contact with you?
BATESEY
Could you put a symbol in the sky
for us?
POLICEWOMAN
I was thinking more of a text
message?
BATESEY
Sure, sure that could work.
Gareth and Gordon look concerned.
POLICEWOMAN
Have you got a contact number?
BATESEY
Yes I do here,... Pay as you go
phone.
POOLICEWOMAN
Can't be traced... Like your style.
BATESEY
Thanks... So do I.
EXT. CAR. MOMENTS LATER.
Gareth, Batesey and Gordon are sat in the car.
GARETH
Batesey what the hell have you just
got us in to?
BATESEY
Errr sorry, I'm just trying to get
Karen back for you.
GARETH
In what way will this get Karen
back!
BATESEY
In the way that the next time out,
we're going after Leroy.
GORDON
Are you crazy! If you're right,
he's some kind of gangster!
BATESEY
Yeah... And we're some kind of
superheroes.
