HALF DAY CLOSING BY CLIVE WARD Synopsis Brian and Dudley are a couple of working class married guys who are sick of having no money so they decide to break the law and rob a bank, but the robbery goes drastically wrong which in turn changes their lives forever.
The Characters (main characters in bold)
DUDLEY (Male late twenties slow)
JANET (Brian's wife pregnant moody)
TERRY (Neighbour gang member)
PAULINE (Terry's wife slow)
FARMER (EX SPECIAL FORCES)
BRIAN (Male mid thirties fat)
SCENE 1. INT BRIAN'S HOUSE
SCENE 4. INT PUB
BRIAN IS AT THE BAR DUDLEY IS SITTING DOWN AT A TABLE DUMB STRUCK.
BRIAN
Here get that down your neck.
DUDLEY IS STILL STARING AT THE WALL
DUDLEY
It's her birthday on Saturday I promised I'd take her to Spain for a fortnight I can't even afford a day trip to Skegness.
BRIAN
For crying out loud cheer up will you it's not the end of the world.
DUDLEY HANDS BRIAN A LETTER
DUDLEY
Here read this. The bastards have sacked me.
BRIAN
Sacked? But you never had a job in the first place. ....Oh you mean they've stopped your benefits.
DUDLEY
They can't just stop my money like that. Can they? I'm a model government statistic me if it weren't for honest dossers like me there'd be no such thing as unemployment figures. It's folk like me who keep those bums at the social security offices in a job they can't stop my money; I've done nothing wrong!
BRIAN
According to this letter you've done everything wrong! Late signing on, forgetting to sign on, not turning up for interviews, failing to turn up for the job club, it's your own fault Dudley they've simply had enough of you
DUDLEY
I cant help being late and missing my signing time, half ten in the morning what do they expect I need my beauty sleep and that's bollocks I went to an interview last Friday what're they talking about.
BRIAN
Police interrogations about handling illegal pornographic videos don't count Dudley.
DUDLEY
Right that's it I'm going to find a job!
BRIAN
Don't be ridiculous where are you going to find a job nowadays that doesn't involve work... and if you do find work it wont be an instant cure will it. I've got more bills than a lake full of ducks... no! What we need is instant cash.
DUDLEY
I've got a fiver. We could buy some scratch cards, you never know.
THE LOCAL CON MAN DODGEY BLOKE TAPS BRIAN ON THE SHOULDER HE'S CARRYING A SPORTS BAG.
D B
Hello boys I couldn't help over hearing if its instant cash you want feast your eyes on this lot
BRIAN
Get lost we're not interested
D B
So you're not interested in earning a few bob then?
BRIAN
No sod off
DUDLEY
Not after last time when you flogged us fifty lighters for a tenner and we ended up with a box of matches!
D B
Yeah but you ended up with your lighters in the end and if I remember you made a right killing selling them on
BRIAN
We made a killing alright they put three people in hospital they were flame throwers not lighters
D B OPENS HIS SPORTS BAG TO REVEAL DOZENS OF CD'S AND PLACES THEM ON THE TABLE
D B
Feast your eyes on these
BRIAN
Like I said we're not interested
D B
Come on lads you could shift this lot, men with your sales techniques top quality these are
DUDLEY STARTS TO TAKE INTEREST AND PICKS ONE UP
BRIAN
Top quality you say
DODGY BLOKE
That's what I said no rubbish here pal there's all your top artists on there
DUDLEY
Hold on a minute Top hits 2008 they sound a bit dodgy to me
DODGY BLOKE STARTS TO WHISPER
D B
Shhhhhh... most of these tracks haven't even been released yet they'll go like hot cakes
BRIAN IS GETTING MAD AND STARTS TO RAISE HIS VOICE
BRIAN
These tracks haven't even been sung yet for the last time we're not interested go away
DB
O.k. ok I get the message your loss.
DUDLEY
Calm down Bri he's only trying to make a few quid like us
BRIAN
A few quid I'm not interested in a few quid I want to make some real money
DUDLEY
The only way we're going do that is rob a bank.
BRIAN
Sounds good to me
DUDLEY
Ok lets go... what? Are you serious?
BRIAN
Well you mentioned it and why not? We'll only have to do it once and all our problems will be over.
DUDLEY
Rob a bank! I don't know about that Brian
BRIAN
Shush! Tell the whole pub why don't yer!
DUDLEY
But we don't know the first thing about robbing banks
BRIAN
O.k. o.k. forget it...forget I even mentioned it... it's a stupid idea...
THEY BOTH TAKE A DRINK OF THEIR BEERS TOGETHER
DUDLEY
Only the once you say
BRIAN
I knew you'd come round
DUDLEY
Hold your horses I haven't said I'll do it yet.
BRIAN
We're only going to rob the rich to give it to the poor
DUDLEY
Give it away to the poor... what's the point in that, that's stupid
BRIAN
I meant us we're the poor come on drink up we've got some planning to do, we'll go round my house where it's a bit quieter.
SCENE 5. INT PUB LOUNGE
IN THE LOUNGE THE REAL BANK ROBBERS ARE GOING THROUGH THEIR PLAN
MICKEY
Right lets go through it one more time, as soon as the security wagon stops and the guard gets out on my signal Spike and Bung you pull in front, Me and Tez will pull up behind blocking it in. Tez it's your job to grab the guard and we all know the rest, we've done it before... Are you listening to me Tez?
TEZ
Err yes boss
BRIAN AND DUDLEY WALK PAST THE GANG ON THE WAY TO THE BAR
DUDLEY
Hi Tez missus let you out has she?
TEZ GIVES DUDLEY A DIRTY LOOK
MICKEY
Who the hells that dickhead? Ah I hope he wasn't eaves dropping.
TEZ
Who Dudley...nah even if he did he'd have forgot it by now he's got the memory of a gold fish.
MICKEY
So Tez explain to me your roll in this robbery
TEZ
Err... can you run through it again?
ALL THE OTHER'S ROLL UP LAUGHING
MICKEY
Come on guys the time for laughing is over this is our last job and it should set us all up for life.
BUNG
So how much do you reckon will be in that van then Mickey
MICKEY
I'll tell you what I'll phone them up and ask them shall I... I don't bloody know a lot, over a million it'll be picking up all day ours is its last stop.
DODGY BLOKE WALKS UP TO THE GANG
DG
Hello boys any of you lot interested in....
THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE
ALL
PISS OFF
BAZ AND DUDLEY ARE ON THEIR WAY OUT OF THE PUB AND ARE MET BY JANET WITH THE KIDS
BRIAN
Janet!
JANET
I thought I'd find you here I think you'll find these are yours.
SHE HANDS OVER THE KIDS TO BRIAN
JANET
I'm off out someone's got to try and bring some money into the house
BRIAN
You've got a job then?
JANET
No I'm off to bingo I need a break see you later.
THE REAL ROBBERS WALK PAST BRIAN AND DUDLEY
TEZ
She's got you two well trained
TEZ AND THE LADS LAUGH AT THEM AS THEY WALK AWAY
BRIAN
I don't get it that lot have never done a days work in their lives but they've always got money and drive flash cars.
DUDLEY
Not to worry Bri we'll soon have more than they'll ever dream about, come on lets get planning especially now we've got 2 new gang members.
JAKE IS POINTING A TOY GUN AT THEM
JAKE
Bang you're dead.
SCENE 6. INT BRIAN'S HOUSE
BACK AT BRIAN'S HOUSE BRIAN HAS A NOTE BOOK THEY ARE DRINKING BEER THE CHILDREN ARE IN THE BACKGROUND.
BRIAN
So what are we going to need to rob a bank? Number one. A car.
DUDLEY
You can forget it if your thinking of using mine.
BRIAN
Are you totally thick or what? You don't use your own car when you rob a bank... we'll have to steal one.
DUDLEY
Steal one! What if we get caught? Can't we just borrow one? I'll ask my mate Phil who lives on the corner; I'm sure he wont mind.
BRIAN
...You're right I think this is a bad idea
DUDLEY(LAUGHING)
What's wrong with that?
BRIAN
For one Phil's a copper and two he drives a police car
DUDLEY
It was a joke.
BRIAN
Well the time for jokes is over if we want this to work we've got to get serious ok... don't worry about the car. I'll sort it out. What else do we need?
DUDLEY
Disguises We don't want to be recognised do we.
BRIAN
Good thinking, you sort out some disguises. Right. What else do we need?
DUDLEY
Guns!
BRIAN LOOKS AT DUDLEY IN A STATE OF SHOCK
DUDLEY
Ok bananas then
BRIAN
Good now you're thinking. A couple of bananas under our coats they wont know the difference... Now there was something else. What is it? It's on the tip of my tongue.
DUDLEY
I know... a bank! If we're going to do a bank job we'll need a bank. When we going to do it then?
BRIAN
Tomorrow
DUDLEY (SOUNDS WORRIED)
Tomorrow... that's a bit soon isn't
BRIAN
No time like the present if we leave it too long we'll start getting cold feet I'll meet you outside your house tomorrow at 11.30
DUDLEY
O.k. your on
JUST THEN JANET WALKS IN THEY BOTH PANIC
DUDLEY
Oh hi Janet
DUDLEY STANDS UP
JANET
Hello Dudley. Haven't you two got anything better to do than sit around the house all day. You're supposed to be out looking for a job?
BRIAN
And who's supposed to look after the kids
JANET
Why didn't you take them round my mums or with you I have to take them everywhere I go.
BRIAN
Janet! you've got an answer for everything anyway we've got something to tell you haven't we Dudley?
DUDLEY
Have we!
BRIAN
I've got an interview for a job tomorrow afternoon
JANET
A job! Its sunk in has it and about time too, will you be going anywhere near the bank.
BRIAN AND DUDLEY
Bank?
BRIAN AND DUDLEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SHOCK
BRIAN
Err... no!
DUDLEY
Yes we are Brian.
BRIAN GIVES DUDLEY A MAD WORRIED LOOK
JANET
Well make your bloody mind up where's your job interview at?
BRIAN
In town
JANET
Good you can get me a tenner from the cash point I'm skint till' I get my social on Thursday.
SCENE 7. EXT CAR ONE
BRIAN PULLS UP OUTSIDE DUDLEY'S HOUSE DUDLEY GETS IN THE CAR CARRYING A POLLY BAG THEY DRIVE OFF
BRIAN
Well!... had any second thoughts?
DUDLEY
No... You?
BRIAN
No, it's now or never. Did you get the gear?
DUDLEY STARTS TO TAKE THE DISGUISES OUT OF THE BAG. THEY DRIVE OFF
BRIAN
Don't get them out yet. Wait till we get to the bank, stupid.
DUDLEY
Where did you get the wheels?
BRIAN
I borrowed them off my cousin Duncan!
DUDLEY
What? I thought you said you were going to steal one
BRIAN PULLS OVER IN A SIDE STREET NEAR THE BANK
BRIAN
Stop flapping it is stolen. Our Duncan deals in stolen cars... right we're nearly there you can get the gear out here. Now remember the plan, you stand near the entrance as lookout, I'll do the rest Are you ready?
DUDLEY
I think so
THEY BOTH DON THEIR DISGUISES WHICH ARE PILLOW CASES WITH SLITS IN THEM BRIAN PULLS OUT A LARGE CUCUMBER
BRIAN
We said bananas. How the hell am I going to get this up my coat you twat
DUDLEY
Have you seen the price of bananas lately?
BRIAN SNAPS THE CUCUMBER IN HALF
BRIAN
Here! Right are you ready? Lets do it. Come on.
THEY DRIVE OFF AND PULL OUTSIDE THE BANK GET OUT THE CAR AND WALK TO THE ENTRANCE OF THE BANK A LITTLE OLD LADY CONFRONTS THEM
OLD LADY
Are you after robbing the bank?
DUDLEY
What!!!
OLD LADY
Are you after robbing the bank?
BRIAN
No
OLD LADY
Well you look like bank robbers, anyway your out of luck lads its half day closing You'll have to come back tomorrow I'm afraid
DUDLEY
Jesus
BRIAN
Cheers! Get back in the car Dudley the Robbery's off
DUDLEY
What about your Missuses tenner?
BRIAN
Just get in the car Dudley for Christ's sake
DUDLEY HAS HIS HOOD THE WRONG WAY ROUND AND IS STRUGGLING TO FIND THE CAR DOOR HANDLE
BRIAN
What are you messing around at? Get in the bloody car.
BRIAN
Well that was a waste of bloody time
DUDLEY
Didn't you hear her? We can come back tomorrow?
BRIAN
Yeah why not we could always phone them and tell them when we are arriving couldn't we!
JUST THEN AN AFRO-CARIBBEAN TRAFFIC WARDEN IS KNOCKING ON THE CAR WINDOW THEY LOOK LIKE MEMBERS OF THE KKK. BRIAN WINDS DOWN THE WINDOW
BRIAN
Is there a problem officer?
WARDEN
Now lets see. Fancy dress or on your way to a lynching?
BRAIN
Lynching? Oh I see I get it Err Fancy dress.
WARDEN
Wherever you're going you can't park here you're on a double yellow
BRIAN DRIVES AWAY LEAVING THE TRAFFIC WARDEN SCRATCHING HIS HEAD
DUDLEY
So what now Brian, shall we come back tomorrow?
BRIAN
Dudley we have just pulled up outside the bank in broad daylight dressed like bank robbers, witnessed by two people one of them being a traffic warden... I tell you what we should have done we should have left them a Calling Card Brian and Dudley your friendly bank robbers called today but you were closed. We will be in the area tomorrow; we'll give you a call.
DUDLEY
So that's a no then?
BRIAN
Any more bright ideas...Pause...We better get rid of this car and stupid costumes this was a stupid idea
DUDLEY
Yeah need to get the costumes back to the hire shop
BRIAN
You what! You hired them?
DUDLEY
Yeah you know from that shop next to the Post Office in our village
THERE'S SILENCE THEN THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND THEY BOTH SAY THE SAME WORD WITH ENTHUSIASM
POST OFFICE
NOW WE SEE THE CAR DRIVING INTO THE DISTANCE TO THEIR VILLAGE
DUDLEY
No we can't do it. Not our own Post Office.
BRIAN
Excuse me. Weren't we about to rob a bank about ten minutes ago? Come on you were the one that thought of the idea in the first place. We've got nothing to lose
DUDLEY
How about our freedom if we get caught. Forget it I'm having second thoughts about the whole thing, besides its our own bloody Post Office.
BRIAN
Run by a pensioner She must be about 109 by now.
Remember her old man when he was alive?
DUDLEY
Do I! Can you remember when we stole those cigarettes on our way home from school and her old man god rest his soul chased us for ages...
BRIAN
Yeah! Until his Alzheimer's kicked in. Then the poor bugger wondered where the fuck he was and why he was running?
THEY BOTH LAUGH
DUDLEY
Well? Are we doing it or what?
BRIAN
Yeah lets do it, but on one condition. We don't bother hanging around afterwards handing those costumes back next door. I don't want to appear on Britain's stupidest criminals.
DUDLEY
Hold on what about my ?5 deposit?
DUDLEY LAUGHS
BRIAN
I'm going to twat you in a minute.
SCENE 8. INT ROBBERS CAR
THE REAL BADDIES ARE PARKED DOWN THE STREET FROM THE POST OFFICE WAITING FOR THE SECURITY WAGON TO ARRIVE THEY ARE WEARING THE SAME COSTUMES BUT HAVE REAL GUNS
MICKEY
What time do you make it?
TEZ
Two minutes to one
MICKEY
Right get your hood on they'll be here any second. Hold on a minute. Who the hells parked their car right outside our bloody post office I don't "fucking" believe it. Who the hell are they?
TEZ IS ON THE RADIO
TEZ
OK Spike I'll ask him. Spike wants to know if we're still doing it?
MICKEY
Tell him yes of course were still doing it, we're not interested in what's in the post office
THE SECURITY WAGON APPROACHES
MICKEY
That's what we are interested in
SCENE 9.INT THE POST OFFICE
BRIAN
This is a robbery. Put the money in the bag old lady, now.
OLD WOMAN
What? You'll have to speak up I'm a bit deaf
BRIAN
Put the money in the bag or I will shoot you.
DUDLEY
Steady on Bri she is an old woman.
BRIAN
Dudley, will you shut up. Go over to the window and keep a look out.
THE OLD WOMAN DISAPPEARS OUT OF SIGHT
BRIAN
Now, where's she gone? Oi I was serious
SHE REAPPEARS WITH A WW1 ARMY RIFLE THAT IS AS BIG SHE IS SHE THEN COCKS IT
FX CLICK
OLD WOMAN
Now what were you saying young man?
BRIAN STEPS BACK IN FRIGHT
OLD WOMAN
My old man said I might need this one-day and he was right.
BRIAN
Shit
THROUGH THE WINDOW THE ROBBERY OF THE SECURITY WAGON IS TAKING PLACE
DUDLEY
Bri you better come and have a look at this
BRIAN
You better come and have a look at this! Now put the gun down don't do anything stupid
DUDLEY
Brian
BRIAN LOOKS OUTSIDE IN SHOCK THE SECURITY WAGON IS BLOCKED IN AND A SECURITY OFFICER HAS A GUN TO HIS HEAD.
SCENE 9A. EXT OUTSIDE POST OFFICE
MICKEY
Open the bloody door or I'll blow his brains out. "Do it"
THE DRIVER OPENS THE DOOR AND THE ROBBERS CLIMB IN AND CARRY OUT THE ROBBERY. THEN SUDDENLY THEY HEAR A SHOT FROM INSIDE THE POST OFFICE THEY ALL STOP AND LOOK ROUNDTHEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER
MICKEY
Come on move it.
BRIAN
What did you do that for? Its not us you want to shoot. It's them.
OLD WOMAN
That was a warning shot. I wont miss next time
BRIAN
Look we haven't really got guns its just a cucumber we... we were just playing. The real robbers are outside.
DUDLEY TAKES HIS HOOD OFF
BRIAN
What're you doing you idiot? Put it back on there's a video camera up there
DUDLEY
I'm not getting framed for something I haven't done
BRIAN
It's a bit too late for that
BRI TAKES HIS HOOD OFF TOO. THE REAL ROBBERS GET IN THEIR CARS AND GO
DUDLEY
Looks like they're off
THE OLD LADY FIRES ANOTHER SHOT
BRIAN
Shit! So are we.
THEY PASS 2 SECURITY OFFICERS
DUDLEY
Lads just wanted you to know we're nothing to do with them right
THE SECURITY GUARDS LOOK AT EACH OTHER PUZZLED
BRIAN
Come on Dudley
THEY JUMP IN THE CAR AND DRIVE OFF
BRIAN
Remind me never to do anything so stupid ever again. What a balls up! And what did we get out of it? "Nothing apart from a bloody headache. She shouldn't be in charge of a post office. They want to send her out to Afghanistan to hunt down Bin Laden. She's deadly.
SCENE 9 INT HIDE OUT
THE GANG ARE SITTING ROUND A TABLE WITH THE CASH ALL IN USED NOTES
MICKEY
How much do you reckon there is?
SPIKE
A lot
TEZ
I've never seen so much money before in my life, there must be about 3 million here
BUNG
We'll never have to do another job ever again... what do we do now Share it out?
MICKEY
NO! We lay low for a few days. Every copper for miles will be looking for this lot and us! So Tez I'll let you hide the money and I don't want to know where it is ok, nor do you tell this lot, we'll meet up again when and only when I say so.
TEZ
But Mickey, Where am I going to hide 3 million quid?
MICKEY
I've just said I don't want to know. You'll think of somewhere.
BUNG
Hold on a minute I don't like the idea of this. How come he gets to hide money? What's stopping him pissing off with the lot? Where does that leave us?
MICKEY
So that's what you'd do is it? Piss off with the lot.
(LOOKS AROUND AT THE OTHER GANG MEMBERS THEY LOOK MAD)
BUNG
Too bloody' right I would.
MICKEY
Exactly. That's why I didn't pick you. For one, all of us apart from Tez , has a criminal record
TEZ
I have... I've got 3 points for speeding
MICKEY
Shut up stupid... And two he's married to my sister and she'd cut his bollocks off.
THERE IS A PAUSE
MICKEY
So it's agreed. Tez,, we're all trusting you. Don't let us down. We'll all meet up again when I say, until then keep stum ok. Ok
THEY ALL ACKNOWLEDGE MICKEY
MICKEY (GRABS TEZ'S ARM)
And Tez... don't fuck up.
SCENE 11.INT BRIAN'S HOUSE
(TWO WEEKS LATER) IT'S EVENING BRI AND DUDLEY ARE SITTING IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION EATING TEA ITS SALAD JANET IS DOING THE IRONING IN THE BACK GROUND
BRIAN
Switch over Dudley, Footballs on at half past nine.
DUDLEY PICKS UP HALF A CUCUMBER AND POINTS IT AT BRI
DUDLEY
Eh Brian, stick em up
BRIAN
You twat don't remind me of that... What a disaster that was
JANE
What was?
BRIAN
Nothing
DUDLEY SWITCHES OVER TO CRIME WATCH
HOST
Now we move on to a more distressing case 2 weeks ago today in the village of Ronslow. A robbery took place. This was no ordinary robbery. Not satisfied with robbing a Security Vehicle, the armed robbers robbed the local. Post Office as well.
DUDLEY AND JANET ARE WATCHING THE TELLY WITH INTEREST BRI IS EATING HIS TEA READING THE PAPER
BRIAN
Are you switching over to football or what?
JANET/DUD
HOST
Inspector Cranwell. We've got CCTV pictures of two of the robbers haven't we?
THE TWO PICTURES OF BRI AND DUDLEY APPEAR ON THE SCREEN JANET STOPS IRONING IN SHOCK DUDLEY LOOKS OPEN MOUTHED
DUDLEY
Bri we're on telly.
BRIAN SLURPS HIS FOOD ALL OVER THE PLACE
INSPECTOR
Yes. The footage is taken from a CCTV camera inside the Post Office.
HOST
What is puzzling is the robbers took their KKK type hoods off. Now why did they do that?
INSPECTOR
We don't know why? But we are grateful to them for that
BRI TURNS TO DUDLEY
BRIAN
Twat!!
INSPECTOR
Not only that we now know one of the robbers used the name Dudley.
DUDLEY TURNS TO BRI
DUDLEY
Twat!!
HOST
You're desperate to catch these men aren't you?
INSPECTOR
That's right. This gang, we believe, are connected to another 16 armed robberies in the Midlands area, plus another attempted bank robbery earlier on the same day just a few miles away from Ronslow.
HOST
The 76-year lady who owns the Post Office was very brave and managed to scare the robbers away. She must have been scared to death.
BRIAN
You mean we were scared to death she was crazy
JANET
Shush
INSPECTOR
That's right, a very brave women indeed. The prime suspects, and the rest of the gang are not to be approached. They are very violent and dangerous
HOSTS
There's a reward isn't there?
INSPECTOR
That's right. There's a reward of ?25000 pounds to anybody with information leading to their arrest.
HOST
This is the number if you think you know these two or if you think you have any information
Inspector Cramwell. Thank you
JANET HAS THE PHONE IN HER HAND DIALLING THE NUMBER ON SCREEN
BRIAN
Janet what're you doing?
JANET
Phoning that number Brian. That was you.
DUDLEY
And me
BRIAN
We had nothing to do with that robbery I'm telling you it was all a big mistake in identity. If I had ?3 million quid do you think I'd still be here now Janet listen to me babe.
JANET
Well who the hell was that. Ronnie Biggs ?
BRIAN
But we didn't do anything. Janet put the phone down, put the phone down now
DUDLEY
Stop her Bri I don't want to go to prison
BRI TRIES TO GRAB THE PHONE JANET HOLDS THE HOT IRON UP THREATENING THEM
JANET
Don't even think about it... Oh hello I've got some information for you about the Post Office job... It was my husband and his mate. They did it.
POLICEMAN
Eh sir there's this woman on the phone. She says the two robbers are her old man and his mate.
INSPECTOR
Not another one. Ok take the details, we'll send some one round later.
BRIAN
Janet what have you done? I can't believe you've just done that.
JANET
It's 25,000 thousand quid Brian. We need the money ok!
BRIAN
Come on Dudley lets get out of here
DUDLEY
Where we going?
BRIAN
I don't know anywhere. Thanks Janet thanks a lot
JANET IS STILL ON THE PHONE TO THE POLICE
JANET
Hurry up, they're getting away
POLICE
We'll send some one round as soon as we can madam
JANET
No, you've got to come round now.
SCENE 12.EXT STREET
BRIAN AND DUDLEY ARE OUTSIDE ON THE STREET
BRIAN
We'll use your car Dudley
DUDLEY
We can't... my tax disc is out of date
BRIAN
We've just discovered we are Britain's most Wanted and you're worried about your poxy tax disc. You're unbelievable sometimes Dudley just get in the car
THEY'RE NOW STANDING IN FRONT OF DUDLEY'S CAR
DUDLEY
Oh! And I haven't got any wheels either... we could catch the bus
BRIAN
Think... think... think... got it
BRI WALKS A FEW DOORS DOWN TO THEIR NEIGHBOURS HOUSE AND PRESSES THE DOOR BELL
BRIAN
Do me favour Dudley. Don't open your mouth. Oh hello Pauline.
PAULINE
Brian... What ever it is you want, we haven't got any OK!
BRIAN
Is Tez in?
PAULINE
He's in the bath
WE SEE TEZ IN THE BATH SINGING. HE IS SINGING HIS VERSION OF AN ABBA SONG HE HAS HEAD PHONES ON
TEZ
Money... Money... Money. Isn't it funny... in a rich mans world?
BACK DOWN STAIRS
BRIAN
Can I borrow his car? It's an emergency.
PAULINE
Why what's happened?
BRIAN
It's Janet; she's having the baby. I need the car to take her to the hospital... please help me out
PAULINE
What now? Already? I thought she was only 4 months gone; she can't be having it yet!
BRIAN
Well she is. Can I borrow your car I think her waters have broken? Please Pauline.
PAULINE
Haven't you called an ambulance?
BRIAN (GETS MAD)
There isn't time to wait for an ambulance. Are you going to give me your car or what?
PAULINE
O.K. Bri calm down. I'll go and ask his lordship
PAULINE RUNS UPSTAIRS WE HEAR A SHOUT IN THE STREET FROM A DISTANCE
JANET
BRIAN... Brian, get back here now
BRIAN
Dudley. Go and shut her up, delay her or something
DUDLEY
Bollocks! She's your missus.
BRIAN
Dudley, just do it will you while I deal with this
PAULINE IS NOW KNOCKING ON THE BATHROOM DOOR SHE THEN TRIES THE DOOR IT IS LOCKED.
PAULINE
TEZ... Tez open the door.
TEZ IS MILES AWAY SINGING HIS HEART OUT TO ANOTHER ABBA TRACK "THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL THE LOSER STANDING
TALL.
PAULINE GOES THROUGH HIS POCKET ON THE BED AND FINDS HIS KEYS
DUDLEY IS DOING HIS BEST TO STALL JANET BY HOLDING THE GARDEN GATE SHUT ON HER SHE HITS HIS FINGERS WITH A SAUCEPAN
DUDLEY
Ouch!
JANET
Open this gate. You're not going to get away the police will get you in the end Open this pissing gate now
SHE STARTS TO HIT HIM
DUDLEY
I'm sorry Janet I can't... Hurry up Brian!
PAULINE APPEARS WITH THE CAR KEYS
BRIAN
Cheers Pauline you're an angel
PAULINE
Don't forget to bring it back he'll flip his lid when he finds out you've taken his car
BRIAN JUMPS INTO A VOLVO ESTATE DRIVES UP TO DUDLEY, DUDLEY JUMPS IN JANET THROWS THE SAUCEPAN AT THE CAR .
DUDLEY
Thank God for that I thought I was mincemeat
JANET IS RUNNING DOWN THE ROAD AFTER THEM SHOUTING. PAULINE APPEARS
PAULINE
Stop. You forgot Janet.
JANET
What the hell are you on about. Why did you give them your car you stupid cow?
PAULINE
They said you were having the baby. Are you ok Janet?
TEZ IS OUT OF THE BATH AND HEARS THE COMMOTION IN THE STREET HE LOOKS OUT OF HIS BEDROOM WINDOW THEN CARRY'S ON DRESSING THEN HE STOPS SUDDENLY IN SHOCK AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN TO FIND HIS CAR VANISHED
TEZ
Where's me car? Where's my F... ing car
SCENE 13.INT CAR 3
ON THE ROAD WITH BRI AND DUD
DUDLEY
Where we going Bri?
BRIAN
I don't know, as far away from here as we can
DUDLEY
Then what?
BRIAN
I don't know... shut up. Shit, would you believe it.
DUDLEY
What is it?
BRIAN
We're on empty
SCENE 14.EXT/INT GARAGE
THEY PULL ONTO THE GARAGE FORECOURT
BRIAN
Here's 20 quid. Go and pay for the petrol while I fill up, and hurry up
