FADE IN: scene 1. int. call centre ? day employees sit at rows of desks in front of computer screens. Callers wear headsets speaking to customers. Team leaders walk around monitoring everyone. Adam sits at his desk speaking to a customer.
he is 21 years old, tall and slim, modestly dressed with plain features.
Adam:
(INTO PHONE) Good morning. Can I speak to Mrs Tate, please?
mrs Tate: (V.O.)
Speaking, dear.
Adam:
(INTO PHONE) Hello, my name is Adam and I?m calling from Mills and Boon?
mrs Tate: (V.O.)
Oh no, I don?t read Mills and Boon anymore.
Adam:
(INTO PHONE) Oh.
mrs Tate: (V.O.)
No, too filthy for me these days, horrendous language. When I first started reading those books, it was all kissing and cuddling. Now there?s nipple sucking, erect penises, slipping his fingers deep into her?
Adam:
(INTO PHONE) Okay, well thank you for your time.
mrs Tate: (v.o.)
Okay, dear. You?re welcome.
Adam hangs up.
CUT TO:
scene 2. int. call centre ? day
Robbie sits at his desk talking to a female customer.
he is 21 years old, tall and well built. he is smartly dressed in a black shirt with gelled spiky hair.
customer: (v.o.)
Ooh, I love Mills and Boon.
robbie:
(INTO PHONE) Really?
customer: (V.o.)
It?s given me so many ideas over the years.
robbie:
(INTO PHONE) Well?
Customer: (V.O.)
It?s just a shame I don?t have anyone to try them on.
robbie:
(INTO PHONE) Okay?
customer: (v.o.)
I sometimes wonder if I?d have tried some of the things on my ex-husband he wouldn?t have left.
robbie:
(INTO PHONE) Right, well?
customer: (v.o.)
Are you single?
robbie:
(INTO PHONE) Uh yeah, but I don?t?
customer: (v.o.)
You?ve got a very sexy voice.
robbie:
(INTO PHONE) Thank you?
customer: (v.o.)
I?m sure you?ve got my address in front of you. If you?re ever my way maybe you could pop in and taste my?
robbie:
(INTO PHONE) Aaagh!
Robbie hangs up.
louise walks over to him annoyed.
louise:
Robbie! Did you just hang up on a customer?
robbie:
Yeah, but?
louise:
You never hang up on a customer.
robbie:
But?
louise:
Your never hang up on a customer!
robbie turns back to his screen.
CUT TO:
scene 3. int. call centre ? day
Adam sits at his desk waiting for a call. Christina comes over and sits next to him logging into the computer.
she is 20 years old, short and slim. she is modestly dressed with stylish glasses and short blonde hair.
christina:
Hello.
Adam:
Hi.
christina:
I thought I?d come and sit next to you.
Adam:
Oh.
christina:
Is that okay?
Adam:
Oh, um, yeah. It?s great, brilliant, excellent.
christina:
Well, I can?t say I was expecting that much enthusiasm, but thank you.
Adam:
You?re welcome.
christina laughs.
christina:
How are you getting on selling this crap?
Adam:
Not too bad, I guess. I feel a bit awkward selling dirty books to sixty year old women. When I first applied for this job I didn?t realise I?d become the geriatric porn baron.
christina laughs.
christina:
Well, if you did, would you still have applied?
Adam:
Oh, of course. ?And why do you want this job? Well I just feel the older generation don?t have enough sex in their lives and I wish to fuel that for a better society.?
christina laughs.
christina:
You?re funny.
Adam:
Well, that?s encouraging.
christina:
How come?
Adam:
I have this crazy dream of becoming a stand up comedian.
christina:
Really? Tell me a joke then.
Adam laughs. Christina stares at him waiting.
Adam:
Oh, you?re serious?
christina:
Of course.
Adam:
I thought you were mocking the fact that when people say they?re a comedian people ask them to tell a joke. Like when someone says they?re an author you don?t ask them to right a book.
christina stares at him frowning.
Adam:
Okay, um, a joke. Uh, why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? She wanted to see what was on the other side.
christina looks at Adam shocked. Adam is embarrassed realising what he?s just said.
Adam:
Have you always been blonde?
christina:
Yes, but luckily for you, I?m not always offended.
Adam:
I?m so sorry.
christina:
Don?t worry about it. It was just a joke. A joke that encourages the ridiculous stereotype that all blondes are stupid, but still just a joke.
Adam:
I?m such a dick.
christina:
Just don?t take up observational comedy. I don?t think you?d be very good at it.
Adam laughs embarrassed and turns away.
CUT TO:
scene 4. int. call centre ? day
robbie sits at his desk. louise his team leader sits a couple of seats down from him writing.
she is 23 years old, short and slim with short brunette hair.
robbie:
Louise? Have you ever thought about modelling?
louise:
What?
robbie:
I think you?d be really good at it.
louise:
Really?
robbie:
You?ve got that natural beauty people look for.
louise:
Thank you, Robbie. Now concentrate on your work.
robbie:
If you need someone to take a few sample photos, I?ve got a half decent camera. I could?
louise:
Robbie! Please, just focus on your work.
CUT TO:
scene 5. int. meeting room ? day
frankie sits at a large table with a group of nine other people. stacey sits next to her talking. frankie looks bored.
frankie is 19 years old, tall and slim. she has a rock chick look with short boyish bleached hair and piercings in her nose and lip.
stacey:
So then I spent two months working at a clothes shop, but the money wasn't good and I was working long hours and my mum thought they were taking advantage of me, so I left. luckily the other job I applied for were still looking for people so I went there, but I left after a month because I didn't like the people there, it's not that they were unfriendly, but they didn't talk much so I never really got to know them and I started to get a bit bored and lonely, because they constantly had to leave every time I entered the room. So then I applied for this place because the job is all about talking and I don't know if you've noticed, but I talk a lot.
frankie:
Really? I never noticed. You should have said before (QUIETLY TO HERSELF) I could have sat somewhere else.
The door bursts open and Helen enters.
helen is 38 years old, short and plump. she has a grumpy face with short blonde hair.
helen:
Okay, let?s get this over with before the drugs wear off.
helen sits down at the end of the table.
Helen:
Right, why don't we start by going around the room and you can all tell us a bit about yourselves? (TO STACEY) Let?s start with you.
stacey:
My name is Stacey Lord and I?m 20 years old. I like horses, playing tennis and watching tennis. I have two brothers and a sister. I have two dogs, a cat, a rabbit, and a hamster. We like going abroad on holiday to places like France and Italy. My friends are called Janey and Hannah; we like going shopping together and enjoy hanging out...
helen:
Okay, that's enough. I think you better stop there before our ears start bleeding (TO FRANKIE) Next.
frankie:
Hi, I?m Frankie Mason. I?m 19. I like rock music, watching films and playing football.
helen:
Brilliant. Short and sweet. My kind of person. Next.
CUT TO:
scene 6. call centre ? day
Robbie is sat at his desk still talking to Louise.
robbie:
You just need to take a few photos, facial, full body. I could be your agent if you like. I?ve got a few contacts I could call, a few favours owed to me. You?d be in catalogues, adverts, maybe catwalks.
louise:
Robbie!
robbie:
This time next year you could be famous.
louise:
Robbie!
robbie:
You don?t have to do nudity, although if you want the big money?
louise:
Robbie! If you don?t shut up, I?m going to take this pair of scissors and this stapler and decorate the notice board with a set of homemade baubles donated by you.
robbie turns back to his computer screen.
CUT TO:
scene 7. int. meeting room ? day
frankie is still sat around the table with everyone else. a woman finishes talking.
woman:
...and I have two boys both at middle school.
helen:
Right, that was relatively painless. Okay, now comes the fun part. We're going to do a bit of role playing to see how well you can talk on the phone. So I'm going to put you into pairs.
helen points to frankie and stacey.
helen:
If you two could go together.
frankie:
Oh shit!
everyone looks at frankie, stacey is shocked.
frankie:
Uh, I just remembered...I?ve forgotten to?record a programme I wanted to watch.
frankie turns to stacey and smiles embarrassed.
CUT TO:
scene 8. int. toilets 1 ? day
Adam enters the toilets. He catches Donald enter a cubicle, his hands cupped together full of handwash cream.
donald is 45 years old, rotund with greasy thinning hair and worn clothes.
donald closes the door behind him. Adam is confused. he thinks for a moment then turns around and leaves the toilets.
CUT TO:
scene 9. int. break room ? day
robbie sits at a table reading a magazine and eating YOGHURT. Adam sits next to him.
robbie:
Alright?
Adam:
Um, I just saw Donald enter a cubicle in the toilets with two hands full of hand cream.
robbie:
So?
Adam:
I think he was going to (PAUSE) you know. Tug one out.
robbie stops eating. he puts the yoghurt down pushing it away.
robbie:
Well, it?s not like I was enjoying that.
Adam:
Sorry.
robbie:
You really think he went into a cubicle to masturbate?
Adam:
What else would he be doing?
robbie:
Washing his hands?
Adam:
In the cubicle?
robbie:
Why would he do it at work?
Adam:
Clearly he?s a man who can?t wait.
robbie:
In that case he must be fit to burst.
Adam:
Oh don?t
robbie:
What? You started this conversation.
Adam:
I?m not using those toilets again.
robbie laughs.
robbie:
Don?t worry. I?m sure he cleans up after himself.
Adam:
I?m glad you?re finding this funny.
robbie:
Well, even if he is whacking off in the toilets, better in there than out here.
Adam:
I might tell H.R.
robbie:
Don?t do that.
Adam:
Why not?
robbie:
Because if it turns out he wasn?t, you?re going to look nuttier than squirrel poo. Just use the other toilets and don?t worry about it.
Robbie continues reading.
Adam:
Oh shit.
robbie:
What now?
donald:
Alright guys?
donald grabs a chair and pulls it up to their table. he sits down next to Adam. Adam tries to move his chair away.
donald:
How are you both?
robbie:
Not too bad. A few problems in life, but I managed to beat them off.
robbie smirks. Adam looks at robbie annoyed.
donald:
Adam?
Adam:
Oh, I?m good, wank you. Thank you.
robbie smiles.
donald:
How many sales have you got?
robbie:
Just the one.
Adam:
Uh, about four.
donald:
I?ve got ten. Top seller in my team.
Donald notices the yoghurt on the table.
donald:
Are you finished with that yoghurt?
robbie:
Be my guest.
donald takes the yoghurt and starts eating.
robbie:
Uh, Donald. How long have you been coming here?
Adam looks at Robbie embarrassed.
donald:
Um, about two years.
robbie:
Two years? That?s a long time coming here.
donald:
Yeah, I guess it is.
Adam kicks robbie?s leg.
robbie:
Are you not sick of coming here?
donald:
No it?s alright.
robbie:
Gives you a lot of pleasure does it?
donald:
Yeah. I mean if I didn?t come here, where else would I go in this current financial climate?
robbie and Adam struggle not to laugh.
donald:
So what are you guys doing this weekend?
robbie:
Usual I guess. Go out for a few drinks with mates.
donald:
We should all go out sometime. Maybe the cinema? I?ve got an unlimited card, so I don?t mind what film we see, as long as I haven?t seen it already.
donald laughs.
robbie and Adam look at each other worried. donald is still laughing, he grabs Adam?s shoulder. Adam looks at the hand in disgust.
donald:
If we exchange phone numbers we could arrange it sometime.
robbie:
Well, I don?t have my phone on me and I can?t remember my number.
donald:
That?s okay; Adam could text it to me.
Adam:
Oh, my phone?s dead. Battery went this morning.
donald:
Okay.
robbie:
Oh, I?ve just remembered. I need to speak to H.R.
Adam:
What?
robbie:
See you later.
donald:
Bye.
robbie stands up and walks off. Adam watches him leave annoyed.
donald smiles at Adam. Adam sits nervously. there is a moment of uncomfortable silence.
donald:
Did you know?
Adam:
I?d better get back.
donald:
We?ve still got five minutes.
Adam:
Well, I like to get logged in early. Bye.
Adam rushes off back to his desk leaving donald to finish off eating the yoghurt.
CUT TO:
scene 10. int. call centre ? day
robbie sits at his desk. frankie pulls up a chair and sits down next to him.
robbie:
Well hello. What can I do for you?
frankie:
Oh, I?m on an interview. I was told to sit with you and watch.
robbie:
Really? And what?s your name?
frankie:
Frankie.
robbie:
Well, Frankie. Just keep your eyes peeled on me and you?ll see how the master works.
frankie:
Okay.
robbie:
So Frankie, do you have a boyfriend?
frankie:
Excuse me?
robbie:
How would you like to go out sometime?
frankie:
On a date?
robbie:
Of course.
frankie:
With you?
robbie:
Who else?
frankie:
Thank you for asking, but I don?t think so.
robbie:
Come on. You don?t win the raffle if you don?t by a ticket.
frankie:
I don?t want to ?win the raffle?.
robbie:
Look Frankie. This is the 21st century. You don?t need to play hard to get.
frankie:
I?m not playing hard to get. I?ve only just met you.
robbie:
I think we?d be great together.
frankie:
Really?
robbie:
Oh yeah. I can tell.
frankie leans in close.
frankie:
(WHISPERS) Believe me, if we were ever together, I would make you squeal like a pig.
robbie laughs.
frankie pinches his arm and he squeals in pain. everybody looks over at him. frankie smiles.
frankie:
It was nice meeting you. (SHE READS ROBBIE?S NAME ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN) Robbie. I think you?ve got a call waiting.
she stands and walks away. Robbie watches her leave embarrassed.
CUT TO:
scene 11. int. call centre ? day
Adam and christina sit at their desks next to each other.
Adam:
So what about you? What?s your dream job?
christina:
I?m hopefully going to join the police force, but I?ve always liked the idea of becoming an artist.
Adam:
Really? Interesting.
christina:
I don?t know whether I?m good enough though.
Adam:
Well, I?m sure whatever you do is better than that loon Tracey Emin. The kind of crap she puts in galleries is ridiculous. In fact I wouldn?t be surprised if she just cut out the middle man, took a dump in the middle of a room and claimed that was art.
christina:
She?s actually one of my favourite artists.
Adam:
Oh really?
christina:
Yes. I happen to like the ?crap? she produces. I like the way she can see more meaning in the ordinary.
Adam:
Right. But really? An unmade bed?
christina laughs.
christina:
Okay. That was a little strange. I?ll give you that one.
Adam:
So why are you here then?
christina:
Same reason as everyone else. Money.
Adam:
But why here? Isn?t this a bit too officey for a creative type.
christina:
Well, it?s easy work. Plus I thought it would be a laugh phoning people up, until I discovered they monitored your calls.
Adam:
Oh, you can still have a laugh. There are ways around that. Stick with me toots. You?ll have a whale of a time.
christina laughs.
CUT TO:
scene 12. int. call centre ? day
robbie exits the toilets. Louise approaches him.
louise:
Robbie. Can I have a word?
robbie:
You can have more than one. In fact, actions speak louder than words.
robbie leans on the toilet door. it swings open and he falls over.
louise:
Evidently they do.
robbie stands up dusting himself down embarrassed.
robbie:
So what?s up?
louise:
Your call rate is too low. Once you?ve got the sale finish up quickly.
robbie:
Oh, I always finish up quickly (PAUSE) No! Wait!
louise:
Just get back to your desk.
robbie returns to his desk. louise smirks to herself.
CUT TO:
scene 13. int. break room ? day
Adam sits on the sofa reading a newspaper. robbie walks over and sits next to him.
robbie:
Alright?
Adam:
Alright. Hey, did you hear that screech?
robbie:
What? No!
Adam:
Are you sure? It was pretty loud. Sounded like a pig.
robbie:
No, I didn?t hear anything.
Adam:
Oh. Okay.
louise walks past.
robbie:
(SMILING) Hey sexy.
she looks at him, then turns away still walking.
Adam:
Why do you bother with Louise? She?s not interested.
robbie:
She?s just playing hard to get.
Adam:
I don?t think she is.
robbie:
Of course she is. A woman of her stature doesn?t offer it on a plate.
Adam:
It looks more like she?s trying to avoid you.
robbie:
What?s the difference?
Adam:
Between avoidance and playing hard to get?
robbie:
Yeah.
Adam:
Well, when someone runs across a road avoiding heavy traffic just to get away from you, that?s not playing hard to get.
robbie:
No, that was because she lives on the other side of the road. She was in a rush.
Adam:
Yeah she does live the other side, about a mile up the road. As soon as she saw you she was across it quicker than a cheetah with a rocket up it?s arse.
robbie:
No, I know what she?s doing.
Adam:
She?s too old for you anyway.
robbie:
Only by two years.
Adam:
But intellectually it?s more like ten.
robbie:
I like them older anyway. More experience.
Adam:
With sex pests?
robbie:
I am not a sex pest.
Adam:
Then stop acting like one. When you stare at women it?s less creepy with your tongue in your mouth.
robbie:
Well, I don?t see you charming the knickers off anyone.
Adam:
I?m just biding my time.
Adam looks over at christina sitting at a table with her friend. she looks at him and smiles. he smiles.
robbie:
Biding your time? Eunuchs get laid more than you.
Adam:
Look, just because I don?t go around sleeping with every girl I meet doesn?t make me a bad person.
robbie:
No, it makes you gay.
Adam:
Now you?re being childish.
robbie:
You mean there?s not one bird in this building you?d bang?
Adam:
I didn?t say that.
robbie:
So there is?
Adam:
What? No.
robbie:
Who is it?
Adam:
No one.
robbie:
There is, I can tell. Your cheeks are as red as a baboon?s spanked arse.
Adam:
There?s no one alright. Just leave it.
robbie:
I?ll find out.
Adam:
I?m going for a piss.
Adam stands and heads for the toilets.
robbie:
(SHOUTS) Is it big tits Judy?
robbie turns to find a middle aged woman with large breasts standing behind him, looking annoyed.
robbie:
Alright, Judy.
Robbie walks over to the kitchen.
CUT TO:
scene 14. int. toilets 2 ? day
Adam is in the other toilets. he stands at the sink washing his hands. he hears a toilet flush. through the mirror Adam sees donald exit a cubicle. he spots Adam at the sink.
donald smiles. he massages Adam?s shoulders.
donald:
Alright Adam?
Adam looks at donald?s hands on his shoulders in the mirror.
donald exits the toilets. Adam looks down at his shoulder disgusted.
CUT TO:
scene 15. int. kitchen ? day
robbie is making a cup of tea. Adam enters.
Adam:
He did it again?
robbie:
Who?
Adam:
Who do you think? The phantom wanker.
robbie:
I thought you used the other toilets.
Adam:
I did, but it seems he likes to sew his seeds all over. It?s like he?s marking his territory. He grabbed my shoulders as he came out.
robbie:
You what?
robbie looks at Adam?s shoulders disgusted.
Adam:
We?ve got to stop hanging around him.
robbie:
Unfortunately it?s the other way around. He seems to follow us.
Adam:
Well, then we tell him to stop sitting with us.
robbie:
No way.
Adam:
What?
robbie:
I?m not telling him that.
Adam:
Why not?
robbie:
Because he?s a nutcase. A potential serial killer. You tell him that and if he ever cracks we?ll be the first he pumps full of lead when he marches through the building in social vengeance.
Adam:
Now you?re being ridiculous.
robbie:
Am I? According to you this is a man who jerks off at work. Twice! Anything?s possible with him.
Adam thinks for a moment.
Adam:
Maybe you?re right.
robbie:
Just try and avoid him best you can. And stop going to the toilet, what are you sixty? Surely you can hold it in.
Adam:
I have a weak bladder.
robbie shakes his head and exits the kitchen.
CUT TO:
scene 16. int. call centre ? day
Adam sits at his desk. christina sits next to him talking to a customer.
Adam looks down at his empty bottle of water. his knee jogs up and down.
he looks over at the toilet door nervous. he turns to look out the window, but his knee still jogs.
Adam:
Oh crap!
Adam logs off and takes off his headset. he jumps up from his seat rushing toward the toilets.
CUT TO:
scene 17. int. toilets 1 ? day
Adam stands at the urinal relaxed, smiling. he hears grunting noises coming from the cubicle.
Adam is angry.
Adam:
(WHISPERS TO HIMSELF) Right, that?s it!
Adam zips up his fly and storms over to the cubicle door. he bangs on it.
Adam:
Right you. Come out of there!
the door unlocks and Robbie exits. Adam is shocked.
robbie:
Alright?
Adam is speechless.
robbie:
Uh (PAUSE) I was having a poo.
Adam is frozen. robbie nods embarrassed and exits the toilets. Adam stands motionless.
CUT TO:
POST CREDITS
scene 18. int. human resources office ? day
helen sits at her desk typing. there is a knock on the door. donald peers in through the door.
helen:
Yes, Donald?
donald:
We?ve run out of hand wash cream in the toilets.
helen:
Again?
END OF EPISODE
