An original screenplay
Written by:
Simon parker
Episode one
Copyright 2011
simonkyleparker@hotmail.co.uk
FADE IN.
INT. BEN'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY
BEN, 29, is sitting on the edge of the bed putting on a t- shirt.
KELLY, 27, is still lying down behind him. She?s staring up at the back of his head.
He turns around, leans over and kisses her gently on the lips.
INT. BEN?S HOUSE - BATHROOM - NEXT
Ben?s up at the sink brushing his teeth.
Kelly?s standing by the door, her arms crossed in front of her chest.
KELLY
Do you have to go?
He smiles.
BEN
It's nearly 12 o'clock.
KELLY
So it's still technically morning.
He?s finished with his teeth and starts wetting and styling his hair.
BEN
I won't be long.
KELLY
But I want you to stay.
He turns around to look at her, smiles.
BEN
When we get married we'll be Lennon
and Yoko. Neither of us will ever
get out of bed again.
She smiles.
KELLY
But they did it to protest a war,
so why will we be doing it?
BEN
Well, we'll just be having sex.
KELLY
But there's still other wars going
on that we could protest?
He nods.
BEN
Sure, but I need to get this done
first.
INT. JAMES'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Ben?s sitting up at the kitchen table with JAMES, 27, each with a cup of tea out in front of them.
BEN
I know it's asking for a lot but I
just need you to do this for me.
James forces up a smile.
JAMES
I can't say no can I?
BEN
We?re getting married in 3 days, and
I know this means you'll be missing
most of it as well, but I need you
to do this for me.
JAMES
Is he really that bad?
BEN
Around you probably not.
JAMES
So you just want me to baby-sit?
Ben nods.
BEN
Yeah, but it's nothing really to
worry about. He hardly ever gets
violent.
INT. JAMES'S CAR - DAY
James?s driving, Ben?s sitting next to him on the front passenger seat, looks over at him, explaining.
BEN
He'll get too involved if he's
there.
JAMES
What are you worried about the
most?
BEN
I was talking about it with him,
and you know that part where the
priest says if anyone here knows
why these two should not be wed,
please say so now or forever hold
your peace.
JAMES
Yeah, I think so.
BEN
At that point he'd stand up and
shout out yeah, he was born a
woman and she's a slut. Or
something else equally dumb.
James laughs.
JAMES
Would he really do that though?
BEN
Of course he would.
JAMES
But who would find that funny?
BEN
It doesn?t matter, if it makes him
laugh he'll do it.
INT. PUB - DAY
They're all sitting around the same small table together, in a darkened corner.
ANDY, 24, has a pint of beer out in front of him, whilst Ben and James just have a glass of coke each.
Ben holds a hand out to James, introducing.
BEN
This is James, and he's the one
who?s going to be giving you lift
there.
Andy looks at Ben, disappointed.
ANDY
But I thought I was going up with
you?
Ben shakes his head.
BEN
You can't.
ANDY
I thought I was going to be helping
out with everything though?
BEN
I know, but it's not happening for
another 3 days.
INT. ANDY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Andy and James are sitting at either end of his kitchen table, each with a cup of tea out in front of them.
Andy look at him, bored.
ANDY
So who's this other person that
we've got to pick up?
JAMES
A friend, her name's Chelsea.
But I don?t need to be telling
you any of this.
Andy smiles.
ANDY
A girl.
James smiles.
JAMES
Yeah it's a girl, end of
questions.
ANDY
Is she pretty?
JAMES
Yeah, now shut up.
ANDY
So you like her?
James shrugs.
JAMES
Were friends, so I don?t know.
ANDY
Well do you want have sex with her?
James laughs.
JAMES
Yeah, but I don?t want you to say
anything to her.
ANDY
Then you do like her and she's not
your friend.
JAMES
Guys can be friends with girls,
that?s what I think anyway.
ANDY
I didn?t say that they couldn?t, but
don?t you think once you've put your
dick inside someone, that a line has
been crossed. I?ve got lots of friends.
And I like them all a lot, but the
thought of putting my dick inside any
of them has never crossed my mind.
James laughs.
JAMES
I like her then, but this has got
nothing to do with you.
ANDY
So you're going to use the wedding.
Smart move. I watched a movie
called the wedding crashes and that
seemed to work for them. And I?m
pretty sure that film was based on
real events, so it should work for
as well.
EXT. ANDY'S HOUSE - DAY
Andy?s taking his travel bag out to James?s car, throwing it onto the backseat.
James follows on behind him.
JAMES
We can stay at my house
tonight, because I don?t know
anywhere else that we could stay.
INT. JAMES'S CAR - DAY
James?s driving, Andy's sitting next to him on the front passenger seat. He turns to face him, smiles.
ANDY
Do you know why my brother asked
you to drive me, has he told you?
JAMES
No, I don?t.
ANDY
So do you not know why I haven?t got
a car of my own?
JAMES
No, why what happened to it?
ANDY
I wrote it off. My friend who was
in the front passenger seat with me
at the time was screaming like a
girl, it was pretty funny. The car
rolled over quite a few times.
James smiles.
JAMES
Can you blame him for screaming if
the car he was in was rolling.
ANDY
I?m not blaming him, him screaming
is what woke me up.
James laughs.
JAMES
Well you can trust me, I always
keep driving and sleeping separate.
INT. JAMES'S HOUSE - FRONT ROOM - DAY
James and Andy are sitting on the edge of his sofa together, both looking out towards the widescreen TV, even though it's switched off.
James looks over at him.
JAMES
I need to get ready, plan for some
things, but you don?t need to know
about any of this.
ANDY
So you just want me to hang out
here?
JAMES
Erm, yeah, but we'll drive up
tomorrow morning, if that?s ok with
you?
INT. JAMES'S HOUSE - SPARE ROOM - DAY
James?s tidying up, dropping bits of rubbish into a large black plastic bin bag.
The spare room is in the middle of been re-furbished. Half the walls are painted, but the floor is dirty and covered with rubbish that needs clearing.
Andy moves over to the only clean corner and sits down with his cup of tea in hand.
He leans back against one of the walls that is still yet to be painted.
ANDY
So what are you trying to turn this
room into?
JAMES
A study, I guess. But I?m still not
sure.
ANDY
How long have you been at it?
JAMES
About six months.
Andy laughs.
ANDY
What the hell is taking you so
long?
JAMES
This is my first venture into DIY,
so I don?t really know what I?m doing.
ANDY
You should have just paid for some
men to come in and do it for you.
JAMES
You can help me if you want to?
ANDY
Sure.
Andy puts his tea down, he then starts picking up bits of rubbish from the floor all around him, and throws it out towards James?s head, hitting him every time.
After the fifth piece hits him, James turns to look over at him and smiles.
JAMES
Thanks, but if you can try and get
them into the rubbish bag that'll
be even better.
Andy nods.
ANDY
You seem like a nice guy so I?m
going to let you know that you had
three choice there on what you could
do, but you picked the wrong one.
JAMES
What do you mean?
ANDY
Ok, other people are going to do
this so I?m going to let you in.
When someone throws something at
your head because they find it funny
you have a list of three things
that you can do. First you can
throw it back at them harder than
they threw it at you. Two, you
can through it back at them softer than
they threw it at you, that's what
you should do from now on. Or
there's three, you can try and make
out that you're apart of the joke
instead of been the butt of it. This
never works and only encourages the
persons doing it to carry on.
Andy then picks up and throws another piece, again it hits against James?s head.
Andy laughs as James?s just carries on.
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
They're walking along this empty city street together.
ANDY
If we're forced to get to know each
other we might as well get drunk
first before we try and do it.
James look across at him and smiles.
JAMES
Sure, but I wasn?t excepting you to
wait inside all night.
Andy then suddenly grabs a hold of James?s wrist and tugs
him across so that he hits into the side of a lamppost, hitting his head against it, but not too hard.
Andy carries on, laughing, thinking it was hilarious.
INT. PUB - NIGHT
They're standing in front of a fruit machine, both with a pint of beer in hand.
James?s playing on it, putting in lots of pound coins one after another, but he?s still not winning anything back.
Andy watches on, smiling.
ANDY
You're pretty shit at this aren?t
you.
EXT. PUB - NIGHT
Andy?s on his mobile phone standing outside the pub?s entrance, and holding onto his pint glass in his other hand.
ANDY
What the hell is this?
BEN
(O.S)
Just relax.
ANDY
I?m bored. I could just jump on a
train now and come and see you.
BEN
(O.S)
No.
ANDY
Why not?
BEN
(O.S)
I want you to know a couple of
people when you're here, I don?t
want you just sitting on your
own been depressed.
ANDY
I?ll know you, and that's enough.
BEN
(O.S)
But I?m going to be busy.
INT. PUB - NIGHT
Andy?s up at the fruit machine on his own, he puts in only a single pound coin and wins about ?30 pounds back. Easy.
INT. PUB - NIGHT
Andy sits down at the small table next to James. He drops a bunch of those pound coins he?s won onto the table in front of him.
ANDY
I think these were yours.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
In this new place, they're standing up at the bar, with fresh pints of beer in hand, it's pretty busy with lots of people behind them. Noisy, they have to stay pretty close together to be heard.
ANDY
So how do you know Ben?
JAMES
I?ve known your brother since Uni.
ANDY
Were you on the same course or
something?
JAMES
No, we were neighbours, when he
lived with Kelly. So it?s really
cute how they?re getting married
now.
ANDY
Ok.
JAMES
But before I got to know them I
used to hear them having sex.
These were really shitty houses
with really thin walls.
Andy laughs.
ANDY
Did you go around to complain, is
that how you got to know him?
JAMES
No, I nearly did but I was too
scared, they used to make some right
mad sounding noises. If I walked in
on them I?d properly see Kelly
with a strap-on.
Andy smiles.
ANDY
Whilst Ben was dunking his own head
into a bucket of ice cold water?
James laughs.
JAMES
That's what it sounded like. And
then after that I became friends with
them.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
They're in another, more upscale bar, a lot quieter than the last place.
They?re sitting together on the edge of a large sofa, still drinking.
ANDY
So what did you do at university.
What were you studying there?
JAMES
I did a radio production course.
That's what I wanted to get into. I
wanted to be a radio DJ.
Andy smiles.
ANDY
So what do you do now?
JAMES
I work in an office.
ANDY
So what happened to the DJ dream?
JAMES
I pursued it, that's what happened.
I tried out for the university
radio station but failed.
ANDY
So what happened?
JAMES
I thought I was funny, but it
turns out that I?m not.
ANDY
So you wanted to be a funny comedy
DJ?
JAMES
Yeah, so I got myself a trial.
Where I got five minutes to myself,
and I could say whatever I liked.
And if they thought I was good, they
would give me a time slot to do my
own show. So I brought a newspaper
along with me, and my plan was just
to read from it and make jokes about
a funny story. But I just died on my
arse. I can?t remember what the story
was, but it wasn?t funny. And after
about 50 seconds of saying not very
funny things, I just stopped talking
and waited in silence for about 10
seconds, before the guy who was
recording me asked me if I had
finished.
Andy?s laughing.
ANDY
And what did you say to him?
JAMES
I just nodded my head and left. And
never went back. But that's been
the most painful moment of my
life so far. And I once got kicked
in the balls, but that was still
less painful.
EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
They're standing static in a long cue for a huge nightclub.
Andy?s talking to a GUY, late 30's, in the cue with them and standing just in front of them.
ANDY
The atmosphere at the Britannia is
crazy at times.
GUY
Is that Stoke city's ground?
Andy rolls his eyes, annoyed.
ANDY
Come on, you know it is. It has the
best football atmosphere in the
whole premier league.
GUY
And that's the best football
atmosphere you've ever experienced?
ANDY
That I can think of yeah, so how
about you, you're the one who
started this discussion.
GUY
For me it's got to be the game I
watched when I has in Yugoslavia.
Andy laughs.
ANDY
As in that county that doesn?t
exist anymore?
GUY
It was a world cup qualifying game,
I went with my dad and a few of his
mates, and trust me it was amazing.
JAMES
But when did that stop been a
country, it was a while ago wasn?t
it?
ANDY
And then straight after that did
you fly over to Zaire to watch
Mohammed Ali become boxing heavy
weight champion of the world?
The guy laughs, smiling.
GUY
Dickhead, I?m not that old.
INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
They're up at the bar, with a large group of other people who are all waiting to be served a drink.
ANDY
Do you mind me brining back a girl
to your place tonight. What are the
rules on that?
JAMES
There are no rules, that's fine,
but you'll still have to find one
who?s willing to sleep with you
first.
EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
They're in the outside smoking area together, and drinking their beers.
James?s looking out towards a small group of very pretty GIRLS, he goes quiet.
Andy notices where he's looking and smiles.
ANDY
What about this girl we're picking
up tomorrow?
JAMES
She's just a friend.
ANDY
Ok, I?ll go over and talk to these
for you then.
JAMES
No, it's ok.
Andy heads over towards them.
FADE TO.
EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
Andy?s with the girls, chatting and drinking as they stand around him smoking.
James comes over, shy.
ANDY
If one of you gives me a cigarette
I?ll buy you a drink in return,
how's that sound?
GIRL ONE
I thought you just said that you
don?t smoke?
He points at James who stops and stands next to him.
ANDY
It's for him, it'll give him an
excuse to talk to you. He's the shy
type.
The first girl takes out a cigarette and hands it to James. He puts it straight into his mouth and let?s her light it up.
JAMES
Thanks.
James then takes in a breath and blows the smoke up in front of his face, a real cool kid.
He then takes in a deeper breath and does the same, but this time stupidly blowing the smoke right up into his eye. It's stinging, twitching, then watering.
He passes the cigarette over to Andy.
ANDY
What are you doing?
JAMES
Just take it.
ANDY
I don?t smoke, are you deaf?
Tears are now running out of the eye he blew the smoke into,
he holds a hand over it, hurting.
JAMES
Neither do I.
Andy takes the cigarette from him.
James then turns around and walks away, still with the hand pressed against his eye.
INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
James?s back up at the bar, in the cue and waiting to be served, he's pretty drunk.
INT. NIGHTCLUB - DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT
They're on the packed dance floor together, swaying, and both with a fresh pint of beer in hand.
Andy?s staring at a pretty GIRL, 20, just in front of him. But she's flanked by two other BOYS, early 20?s.
He tries to approach her.
ANDY
Hey, what's your name?
She turns away, trying to ignore him.
He gets in closer. The two boys she?s with then push him away.
BOY ONE
Come on mate, go away.
ANDY
What, I?m just trying to talk to
her.
James?s watching on.
BOY TWO
Just go and talk to someone else.
Andy moves himself in between the two boys. Wrapping an arm around both of them.
ANDY
Come one lads, don?t be aggressive.
GUY ONE
Were not, but she obviously doesn?t
want to talk to you.
The girl turns back and stares at him, annoyed.
Andy then gets both boys into a headlock, they try to get
out of it, but neither is aggressive enough to force him
off them.
Andy?s smiling as he starts to sway from side to side with them.
The girl steps over to James, angry.
GIRL
Will you tell him to get off them!
James smiles back at her.
JAMES
Does it look like I can control
him, or that he would listen to
anything I had to say?
GIRL
Then what do I do, look at what
he's doing with them.
JAMES
You're just going to have to go and
get a bouncer then.
She turns and walks away.
James rushes up to Andy.
JAMES
She gone to get a bouncer mate, we
best go somewhere else.
Andy nods.
ANDY
Let's go somewhere new them.
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
They're walking along this busy city street together, lot?s of other people around them, heading home.
James looks across at Andy, smiles.
JAMES
You know you're not that bad.
ANDY
Why, what did my brother tell you
about me?
JAMES
Nothing much, just that I had to
keep an eye out for you. Or keep an
eye on you. Basically I had to
watch you and be careful. But
you?re not that bad.
INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT
They're sitting at a table together, and sharing a small pizza between them.
ANDY
Do you know about the best man?
JAMES
What?
ANDY
Who Ben?s picked to be his best man,
what do you know about him?
James?s too drunk for any kind of normal conversation. He shrugs.
JAMES
I don?t know. I don?t care.
ANDY
So why's he picked him over me?
JAMES
What are you talking about?
ANDY
Nothing tubs, just shut up and eat
your pizza.
JAMES
Are you not having any?
ANDY
No, you've slobbered all over it,
so I guess that makes it yours now.
INT. JAMES'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
James?s sitting on the edge of his bed, struggling to get his clothes off.
Andy's standing up in front of him.
James looks up at him.
JAMES
You can sleep on the sofa if you?re
alright with that?
ANDY
Well, is there anywhere else I can
sleep?
JAMES
No.
ANDY
Then I guess I?m ok with the sofa.
INT. JAMES'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
James walks up to a drawer underneath the counter, opening it up he searches around inside it and finds a large black marker pen.
INT. JAMES'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
James?s lying out across his bed, now in just his underwear
and fast asleep on top of the bed sheets.
Andy sits down on the bed next to him. Taking off the top of the black marker pen, he draws a huge penis and starts writing all across his back. 'I love cock', I love bum fun?, ?please insert into anus.'
FADE TO BLACK
END OF EPISODE ONE
