PULL UP A SAND BAG
A SITCOM
BY
CLIVE WARD
AUGUST 2007
RUNNING TIME 30 MINUTES
SYNOPSIS
Based on an infantry platoon in the late50/60?s.
The 2nd Midshire Regiment, 3rd Platoon, C Company.
CHARACTERS
PRIVATE PARKIN
PRIVATE PRATT
CORPORAL CLARK
SERGEANT BILLINS
LIEUTENANT BLOWER
PRIVATE
PRIVATE
OTHERS
CPL BURNS Cookie, fat, scruffy, around 25
BARMAID Doreen, typical barmaid, mid 30's
GRANVILLE Pool player, mid 30's
LOCALS NON SPEAKING
SOLDIERS NON SPEAKING
WATKINSON (Wocko, weird, hygiene problem, around 25) HATFIELD (Hatty, keen, around 24 ) (Platoon Commander, soft, around 25) (Platoon Sergeant, strict, around 35) (Corpse, or Clarky, Section Commander, around 32) (Eddie, cocky old solider, around 35) (Parky, fresh out of training, around 21)
LOCATIONS
INT BILLET
EXT FIELD
INT PARADE SQUARE
EXT BILLET
INT COOKHOUSE
EXT OUTSIDE BILLET
INT BILLET
INT COOKHOUSE (KITCHEN)
INT BRIEFING ROOM
EXT OUTSIDE BILLET
EXT FIELD/ ROAD
EXT WOOD
INT PUB
EXT WOOD
INT PUB
EXT OUTSIDE PUB
INT PUB
INT INSIDE LAND ROVER
EXT ROAD
INT HOSPITAL
SCENE 1 INT THE BILLET
IT IS VERY OLD FASHIONED WITH A HIGHLY POLISHED FLOOR. THERE ARE FOUR SOLDIERS IN THE ROOM. PRATT IS READING A PORN MAG AND WOCKO IS HALF ASLEEP COMIC. HATTY IS BUSY POLISHING HIS BOOTS
HATTY
Look at the shine on those boots. What do you reckon Eddie? I bet you wish you could get your boots that good?
PRATT
What the hell are you doing that for, are you trying to show us all up?
HATTY
It's called pride, something that you haven't got. Something that you'll never have. You can walk round like a bag of shit if you want, I've got standards to keep up, I'm going places.
PRATT
Well hurry up and piss off then, and give us all a break.
WOCKO
HATTY
You know what I mean. When I get promoted.
PRATT
Promoted you!? You'll never get a stripe on your arm for as long as you've got a hole in your arse.
WOCKO PICKS UP HIS ARMY TROUSERS THEY HAVE A BIG HOLE IN AROUND THE CRUTCH.
WOCKO
Talking of holes, look at this one. Eh ,Hatty mate, borrow me your needle and cotton there's a pal.
AS WOCKO APPROACHES HATTY'S LOCKER,
HATTY KICKS IT SHUT.
HATTY
No you don?t, theirs a NAAFI down the road , buy some
like I have too.
WOCKO (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH)
But its shut? come on don?t be such a tight bastard help your fellow room mate in his hour of need? please! If we were in battle I'd give you my last bullet I would
HATTY
Would you Wocko
WOCKO
Cause I would
PRATT
I would too?. In his head Forget it Wocko you're wasting your time, he wouldn't do anything for anyone apart from me.
HATTY
Ha! you're the last person I help
PRATT
Oh yeah
HATTY
Yes
PRATT
Are you sure about that?
PRATT GETS UP AND GRABS HATTY'S BOOTS.
HATTY
Eh watch what your doing? I spent bloody hours on them, give me them back.
PRATT HANDS HATTY A SCRUFFY PAIR OF BOOTS.
PRATT
These are yours I switched them when you wasn't looking.
THEY ALL LAUGH
HATTY
You wanker you mean I've been bulling your boots for the last four hours,
PRATT
I was going to say something, but you were doing such a good job. Tut, look you've missed a bit look.
HATTY
We've got an inspection tomorrow morning? what am I going to do, and I've run out of polish.
PRATT
It?s the old 6 P's Hatty Preparation and planning prevents piss poor performance?Don?t look at me, I haven't got any, why do you think I got you to do them. It looks like your promotion hopes have taken a bit of a nose dive why don?t you ask Wocko.
WOCKO IS SMILING
WOCKO
HATTY IS NOW SMILING
Wocko, mate I'll do you a trade. Your polish
for my needle and cotton.
WOCKO
How does fuckoff grab yer? there's a NAAFI down the road.
HATTY
But it's shut. Come on Wocko, please. I'll even sow that hole up for you.
HATTY
Please Wocko
WOCKO GIVES HATTY HIS GROTTY PAIR OF TROUSERS. HATTY ACCEPTS THEM RELUCTANTLY.
WOCKO
Okay it's a deal, my polish is in my locker?somewhere!
HATTY OPENS THE LOCKER. IT?S A MESS.
EVERYTHING'S CRAMMED IN, AND IT STINKS.
HATTY
On second thoughts forget it. I'd need a battalion
of Gurkhas to search that rat infested shit hole
EVERYONE IS TELLING WOCKO TO SHUT HIS
LOCKER DOOR. IT'S STINKING THE ROOM OUT.
NEW BOY PRIVATE PARKIN AND CORPORAL CLARK BURST INTO THE ROOM, AND WALK TOWARDS HIS NEW BED SPACE THEY ALL LOOK ON THE NEW BOY PARKIN IS STRUGGLING WITH HIS CASES KIT BAG.
CPL CLARK
Right Parkin unpack your gear. Lights out in five minutes. Reveille 0630. Shit, shower, shave. Breakfast 0700. Room jobs completed by 0730. On parade 0800. You got that Any questions?
PARKIN LOOKS AT HIS BED. IT HAS NO MATTRESS ON IT.
PARKIN
Yeah. What do I sleep on Corporal? There's no mattress.
CPL CLARK
Matress!? This isn't a holiday camp Try springs. If you?d have got here three hours ago like you were suppose too, you would have had some bedding, when the stores was open. Any more stupid questions?
CPL CLARK ADDRESSES THE ROOM
This is Private Parkin. He's a new member of our section. Make sure he knows the score for tomorrow morning's inspection.
PRATT
Eh Corpse, you couldn?t do the honours and tuck us in down the bottom. There's a terrible draft blowing around my feet.
CPL CLARK LEANS OVER TO PRATT WHO IS THE NEXT BED ALONG THE WHOLE ROOM ARE LAUGHING.
Shut it you, and its not Corpse its Corporal
it's not to late for a run round the square in full kit and that goes for the rest of you now get some sleep.
CPL CLARK STARTS TO WALK AWAY. PRATT WHISPERS BEHIND HIS COMIC.
PRATT
Gets a couple of stripes, and they go to his bloody head.
CPL CLARK
What was that?
PRATT
Nothing Corpse, I was just telling new boy he?d better hurry up and get in bed.
CPL CLARK
A word of warning to you Parkin, keep away from him, he?s trouble. Do you hear me?
PARKIN
Yes Corporal.
CPL CLARK
Lights out in two minutes.
HATTY
But I haven't finished doing my kit yet.
PRATT SPEAKS SARCASTICALLY FROM BEHIND HIS MAG
PRATT
Done mine.
HATTY GIVES PRATT A DIRTY LOOK.
CPL CLARK
Tuff shit. You should've thought of that earlier.
CPL CLARK EXITS THE ROOM.
PRATT
So what do they call you then, new boy?
PARKIN
Well, me mates call me Parky.
PRATT
You?re gonna have to earn that, new boy from now on your names new boy got that new boy got any fags new boy?
PARKIN
Oh, yeah!
PARKIN GETS HIS CIGARETTES OUT, HATTY AND WOCKO SUDDENLY APPEAR HE'S NOW SURROUNDED. PRATT TAKES TWO.
PARKIN
Eh. They?ve got to last me till payday.
PRATT
How long have you signed on for, new boy?
PARKIN
Six years.
PRATT
Six years, I?ll give you six weeks.
PARKIN
What makes you say that?
PRATT
You don?t look the type. I?ll give you six weeks and you?ll be crying home to mummy, like the rest of them. We've seen 'em come, and we've seen 'em go. Haven't we lads?? and you're a seen 'em go.
PARKIN IS UNPACKING HIS GEAR.
PARKIN
So, how long have you been in?
THE ROOM LAUGH PRATT LOOKS SURPRISED HE ASKED THE QUESTION.
PRATT
I've changed my mind?. make that six seconds.
WOCKO
Eddie joined the same time as Oliver Cromwell, didn?t you Eddie?
HATTY
Eh, new boy, you haven't got any black polish have you?
PARKIN
Err, no.
PARKIN PULLS OUT A SMALL PICTURE FRAME OF A GOOD LOOKING BIRD, AND PUTS IT ON HIS BEDSIDE LOCKER.
PRATT
PHWOOR!? You lucky sod, I?d give her one. That is what you call fit. Check it out boys
WOCKO
Eh, you?re not married are you?
THE REST OF THE LADS ARE HAVING A LOOK, WHILE PARKIN IS LAYING OUT HIS SLEEPING BAG.
PARKIN
No, but she is? to my dad!
PRATT
If she was my old girl, I?d be crying home to mum tomorrow.
WOCKO
Where you breast fed as a child?
EVERYONE LOOKS AT WOCKO, AND THERE'S SILENCE. WOCKO IS EMBARRASSED.
WOCKO
What?? Just curious that?s all!
CPL CLARK ENTERS THE ROOM.
PRATT
Watch out, Doctor Death's here again.
PARKIN LOOKS OPENED MOUTHED. CPL CLARK TURNS THE LIGHTS OUT.
PARKIN
Hold on with those lights, I haven?t finish unpacking my kit yet.
CPL CLARK
You've had long enough? and Pratt, no funny business.
PRATT
What me Corpse?
CPL CLARK
You know what I mean?. and it's Corporal.
THE DOOR CLOSES. THERE'S TOTAL DARKNESS. PARKIN STARTS TO MOAN.
PARKIN
Great. My kit's all over the place, no bloody mattress. Argh? and I've got a spring sticking in my back.
PRATT
You can always top and tail with Wocko new boy.
PARKIN
Why do we have to have the lights out this early, it's only ten o?clock?
PRATT
It?s a full moon ain't it. Corpse wants to get into his coffin, before they drive a stake through his heart.
EVERYONE LAUGHS. PARKIN CONTINUES TO MOAN.
PARKIN
I wish I was back in training company?I should've joined the artillery, like my dad told me too.
BOOTS ARE FLUNG ACROSS THE ROOM.
PARKIN
Ouch! That hurt. Who threw that?
WOCKO
Me. And it was meant to. Now get some sleep, before you get my other size twelve.
PARKIN IS MOANING TO HIMSELF QUIETLY.
SCENE 2 EXT PARADE SQUARE
A BUGLER STANDS ALONE, BLOWING RETREAT. IN THE BACKGROUND ALL THE LIGHTS ARE GOING OUT AROUND CAMP.
SCENE 3 EXT FIELD, SQUARE AND BILLET
IT IS NOW 0630. WE HEAR THE BUGLER PLAYING REVEILLE. EVERYONE'S WAKING UP, OR PUTTING PILLOWS ON THEIR HEADS. THEN WE SEE A MISSING BED
CLOSE UP OF THE BUGLER, STILL PLAYING THE WAKE UP CALL. THEN THE CAMERA PANS TO PARKIN'S FACE, WHO IS FAST ASLEEP, SNORING AWAY. HE THEN OPENS HIS EYES, SITS UP SHARPLY AND REALISES HE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIELD FULL OF SHEEP. THERE'S EVEN ONE IN BED WITH HIM. HE SHOUTS AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE. WE SEE THE WHOLE OF THE FIELD, WITH PARKIN IN THE MIDDLE.
PARKIN
Argh!? What the hell?
SCENE 4 INT BACK IN THE BILLET
PARKIN WALKS IN HALF NAKED, DRAGGING HIS SLEEPING BAG BEHIND HIM. EVERYONE ELSE IS NEARLY DRESSED, SOME ARE LAUGHING.
HATTY
What happened to you new boy, we thought you?d gone absent without leave.
PARKIN
Very funny. Thanks a fucking bunch.
PRATT
Stop moaning. Everyone gets it on their first day. A word of advice. It pays to sleep with one eye open around here.
HATTY
Yeah! Just think yourself lucky. Wocko woke up under three feet of snow on his first day, and he lost a toe through frost bite, didn't you Wocko?
WOCKO
That?s right, and I've still got the toe to prove it.
WOCKO REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT HIS SHRUNKEN BLACK TOE ON A KEY RING.
PRATT
HATTY
That?s disgusting put it away
EVERYONE STARTS TO BRUSH PAST THE NEW BOY.
PARKIN
Where is everyone going?
PRATT
Breakfast.
PARKIN
Someone give us a hand to get my bed back? please.
PRATT
Sorry, can?t miss breakfast. Queens Parade.
PARKIN
But? but.
THEY ALL LEAVE, PARKIN IS LEFT ALONE.
SCENE 5 INT COOKHOUSE
AND THEY ARE STARTING TO PUT THE SHUTTERS DOWN. PARKIN'S ROOM MATES ARE IN THE BACKGROUND. PARKIN WALKS IN.
COOKIE
Sorry son, breakfast finished ten minutes ago. This isn?t a bloody hotel you know.
PARKIN
Ar, come on, there must be something left I can have. I?m starving.
COOKIE
All I?ve got is beans.
PARKIN HOLDS HIS PLATE OUT.
PARKIN
That?ll do, anything, pour em on.
COOKIE SCOOPS UP A MASSIVE DOLLOP OF BURNT, STUCK TOGETHER, CONGEALED BEANS, AND DEPOSITS THE SOLID LUMP ONTO HIS PLATE. PARKIN PULLS A FACE.
COOKIE
Here, don?t forget your toast.
COOKIE STICKS TWO PIECES OF BURNT, BLACK TOAST INTO THE MESS.
COOKIE
Enjoy!
PARKIN
Cheers!
PARKIN TAKES A SEAT NEXT TO HIS NEW ROOM MATES, BUT NOT ON THE SAME TABLE, BECAUSE HE IS UPSET WITH THEM. HE STARES AT HIS FOOD.
PRATT
Look lads? look at the size of the helping of beans new boy's got.
HATTY
Bloody favouritism that is.
PARKIN IS PLAYING WITH HIS FOOD.
PARKIN
Food! More like ball bearings( HE DROPS HIS KNIFE AND FORK ) I don?t think I can stomach this.
PRATT
It?s not the going in you want to worry about, it?s when they come out. They?re the army?s new secret weapon. When you?re down to your last bullet, jump out of your trench, point your arse at the enemy, and let go. Lethal at 100 yards,
WOCKO
Better than any grenade.
PARKIN HOLDS HIS STOMACH
PARKIN
There's only one place for this lot and that?s in the bin
WOCKO GRABS HIS PLATE OF BEANS.
WOCKO
Waste not want not.
HATTY LOOKS AT WOCKO IN DISGUST.
HATTY
Your eating habits are disgusting.
WOCKO SPEAKS WITH A MOUTH FULL OF BEANS.
PRATT
You are a walking skip Wocko
WOCKO GIVES PARKIN HIS LEFT OVER CORNFLAKES.
WOCKO
Here, new boy, get that down your neck.
PARKIN
Cheers Wocko? Err? no thanks. Salad cream on corn flakes, doesn't do anything for me.
PRATT
We better get our skates on, else the Corpse will be after our blood. Quite partial to a bit of the red stuff, old Dracula.
THEY?RE ALL GETTING UP TO LEAVE. PARKIN'S STILL EATING.
PARKIN
Why, what?s the rush?
HATTY
Room inspection in ten minutes.
PARKIN NEARLY CHOKES.
PARKIN
What? You've got to be joking
HIS ROOM MATES IGNORE HIM AS THEY WALK OUT. COOKIE IS NOW STANDING BEHIND PARKIN LOOKING MEAN.
PARKIN
Wait up, wait for me.
COOKIE PUTS HIS HAND ON PARKIN'S SHOULDER.
COOKIE
You're going nowhere, until you've eaten them beans sonny boy.
PARKIN
But I'll be late.
COOKIE GETS MAD.
COOKIE
You wanted them, you eat them.
SCENE 6 EXT OUTSIDE BILLET.
PARKIN IS IN THE DISTANCE. CPL CLARK IS SHOUTING, LOOKING AT HIS WATCH.
CPL CLARK
Come on Parkin, get a move on. You're late.
PARKIN IS OUT OF BREATH.
PARKIN
Sorry Corpse, err?. Corporal.
CPL CLARK
Parkin you were late arriving here late going up late for breakfast if you don?t sort yourself out you'll be the LATE PRIVATE PARKIN you hear me go and stand by your bed.
PARKIN GOES TO WALK OFF, THEN STOPS AND TURNS TO THE CORPORAL.
PARKIN
But Corporal, I haven?t got a bed.
CPL CLARK
What do you mean you haven?t got a bed?
PARKIN
It?s still in the field.
CPL CLARK
What?s it doing in the fucking field? Pratt! It?s too late now, get inside.
SCENE 7 INT INSIDE BILLET
EVERYBODY IS STOOD BY THEIR RESPECTIVE BEDS, LAUGHING AT PARKIN WHO'S BUSY TRYING TO TIDY HIMSELF UP, READY FOR THE INSPECTION.
PARKIN
Thanks lads. Thanks a bunch.
CPL CLARK
Come on you lot, stand by your beds. They'll be here any second.
PRATT
But Corpse, I got to go.
CPL CLARK
Go where ?
PRATT
To the bog, I need to take a piss.
CPL CLARK
It's too late now, you'll have to hold it.
CPL CLARK LOOKS ROUND THE DOOR TO SEE IF THEY'RE COMING. WHILE PRATT IS RELEAVING HIMSELF BEHIND THE LOCKER DOOR. WE HEAR THE INTERMITTENT SOUND OF FILLING A WATER BOTTLE.
CPL CLARK
What the hell are you doing Pratt?
PRATT WHISPERS TO PARKIN.
PRATT
When you gotta go, you've gotta go!
PRATT TIMES IT JUST RIGHT, AND STANDS BACK IN FRONT OF HIS BED.
CPL CLARK
Listen in. Room?.attention!.
THE PLATOON SERGEANT AND PLATOON COMMANDER ENTER THE ROOM. THEY ALL STAND TO ATTENTION. PLATOON COMMANDER APPROACHES PRATT AND INSPECTS HIM AND HIS LOCKER.
REMEMBER THE PC CANNOT PRONOUNCE HIS R's
PLATOON COMMANDER
Have you seen the state of this miwa Platoon Sergeant?
THE SGT LOOKS AT THE MIRROR.
PLATOON SERGEANT
Miwa Sir?
WE HEAR SNIGGERING
PC
"Miwa"
PLATOON SERGEANT
Oh mirror sir?When was the last time you cleaned this mirror, Pratt?
PRATT LOOKS AROUND AT THE SERGEANT.
PRATT
This morning, Sergeant.
SGT
Face your front, and its Sir, there's an officer on parade. You didn?t do a very good job, did you soldier? Look at it? I said face your front. Its in a shit state? I want it cleaned straight after this inspection.
PRATT
Yes Sir. It?ll be spotless Sir. You?ll be able to see your face in it, Sir.
WE HEAR GIGGLING IN THE BACKGROUND
SGT (SHOUTING)
Shut up!!
THE SERGEANT HAS A WORD IN PRATT'S EAR.
Think you?re a comedian, don?t you Pratt?
PRATT
No Sergeant, I mean no Sir.
SGT
Well I don?t find you funny at all.
THE SERGEANT PICKS UP PRATT'S WATER BOTTLE AND SHAKES IT.
SGT
Water bottles are supposed to be empty for inspection. You know better than that. What's in it, whisky again? You wont learn will you?
HE OPENS THE BOTTLE AND POURS PRATTS PISS INTO HIS HIP FLASK AND SMILES THINKING HE'S GOT ONE OVER ON HIM
SGT
I'm going to have to confiscate this Pratt. Corporal Clark, put this man on weekend guard duties.
PRATT
Yes Sergeant.
THE PC MOVES ON TO PARKIN, WHO STANDS IN FRONT OF AN EMPTY SPACE, WHERE HIS BED SHOULD BE.
PC
And who are you?
SGT
Parkin Sir, joined us yesterday, fresh from Training Company.
PC
Settling in well Parkin?
PARKIN
Yes.
PC
What wank am I parkin?
MORE SNIGGERING
SGT
Be quiet you lot
PARKIN
Pardon
SGT
Rank parkin the platoon commander is a lieutenant that means you call him sir understood
PARKIN
Yes Sir
PC
It?s always nice to see a fresh face? err Platoon Sergeant, this man appears to have no bed, why is that?
THE PC LOOKS AT THE SGT. THE SGT LOOKS AT CPL CLARK
SGT
Well Corporal Clark, why hasn?t this man got a bed?
CPL CLARK DOESN?T KNOW WHAT TO SAY AND IS LOST FOR WORDS.
CPL CLARK
I haven't got a clue Sir, he had one last night.
PC
Wearly so, where did you sleep last night Parkin?
PARKIN
In a field full of sheep, Sir.
PC
Sheep? What where you doing in a field full of sheep?? no forget it, spare me the details, I don?t want to know.
PRATT
Permission to speak, Sir!? Private Parkin was snoring loudly, so we removed him from the room, Sir.
THE SERGEANT IS SMILING
PC
Why didn't you just wake him up? The poor lad could of caught a chill? It's not funny Sergeant Billings.
SGT
No Sir, it's not Sir.
PC (SHOUTS)
I will not have this tom foolery going on in my bawacks wooms, is that clear?
SGT
Yes Sir. Point taken Sir.
WE HEAR MORE LAUGHING. THE PC APPROACHES HATTY.
PC
Good turn out Hatfield, apart from the boots. Maybe you should get Private Pratt to show you how to bull boots pwoperly.
PRATT IS SMILING. THE SERGEANT GIVES HATTY A SURPRISED LOOK.
PRATT GIGGLES.
SGT (SHOUTING)
Shut it, the next man who opens his mouth will be down that guard room.
THE PC NOW APPROACHES WOCKO WITH CAUTION.
PC
Watkinson, you stink. You look like a bag of shite. Your bed isn?t made pwoperly, and look at your locker man? Platoon Sergeant.
THE SERGEANT AND PC PEER IN AT WOCKOS LOCKER. THERE IS ONLY A BIG BLACK BIN LINER IN THE LOCKER, FULL OF CLOTHES.
SGT
Where is all your kit, Watkinson?
WOCKO
In the bag Sir, that?s my dirty washing for the laundrette.
THE SERGEANT AND PC LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN DISBELIEF. THE SERGEANT THEN PEELS ONE OF WOCKO?S SOCKS OFF HIS LOCKER DOOR, AND HOLDS IT UP.
SGT
You missed something.
WOCKO
So that?s what the smell is!
SGT
I wonder if I threw this out of the window would it start eating the grass?? Show Parade tonight.
WOCKO
I?m already on Show Parade tonight, Sir.
SGT
Okay, tomorrow night, then.
WOCKO
And tomorrow night, Sir. In fact, I?m fully booked up for the rest of the week, Sir.
SGT
Shut up. I give up with you Watkinson. If we ever go to war, just make sure you?re next to me, the enemy would run a mile, if they smelt you coming. You can join Pratt on guard this weekend.
PC HAS FINISHED HIS INSPECTION.
PC
Platoon Sergeant.
SGT
Sir.
PC
Bwief the men. I?ll see you this evening, cawy on.
THE SERGEANT SALUTES.
SGT
Sir? listen in room, room attention? stand easy.
THE SERGEANT STARTS TO SHOUT.
SGT
Well? well? well? you lot never fail to amaze me. You are all confined to camp this weekend. This room is a disgrace, its bogging. Some of you lot want taking out onto the Parade Square and hosing down, or even better shot. The good news is, the Platoon Commander has given you the rest of the day off?
THE WHOLE ROOM CHEER.
SGT
So you can prepare yourself for tonight?s Navigation Exercise.
THE WHOLE ROOM SIGH.
SGT
Carry on Corporal Clark.
CPL CLARK
You heard the Platoon Sergeant. Make sure your kit's
done for tonight, before you go swanning off.
THEY ALL START PREPARING.
CPL CLARK EXITS THE ROOM.
THEY ALL STOP PREPARING, APART FROM HATTY.
PRATT
Right, who's coming down the NAAFI for a game of pool. What about you, new boy?
PARKIN
You heard the Corporal. We're supposed to be preparing for tonight?s Night Nav.
PRATT
Prepare what? Bollocks to that. Just chuck your kit on, put your mind in neutral, and follow the twat in front of you. We usually get lost anyway, Clarky couldn?t read a map if it was tattooed to his eye lids. Well, come on somebody, give me a game. I've got a big match coming up. I've got to practice.
.
PRATT
What about you Hatty?Wocko?
HATTY IS BULLING HIS BOOTS
HATTY
I'm busy.
WOCKO IS LOOKING IN HIS BAGS OF WASHING.
AND STARTS EMPTYING HIS WASHING
BAGS ON HIS BED. THEY STINK THE ROOM OUT.
HATTY PUTS HIS BOOTS DOWN
HATTY
I've changed my mind I will have you that game of pool
PARKIN
And me
SCENE 8 INT BRIEFING ROOM
THE PLATOON COMMANDER IS BRIEFING THE PLATOON ON THE NIGHT NAVIGATION EXERCISE. ALL THE MEN ARE IN FULL CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORM. WEARING CAMCREAM (FACE PAINT). THEY SIT IN A GROUP LISTENING WHILE WE SEE ON A BLACKBOARD A DIAGRAM WITH THE WORDS ' EXERCISE DEAD STUDENT'.
PC
Okay, I?ll go through the main points again. We move from here to the start point, for a spot inspection, which you?ll be scored on. Then each Section Commander will be given eight grid weferences. You?ll move out in ten minute intervals. For ewery check point you reach you?ll weceive two points. And don?t forget, wemain on your guard at all times, myself and Sergeant Billins will be acting as the enemy, if we catch you, you?ll lose one point, and be taken back in the land wover two miles. So, don?t forget, stay alert. Did you hear that Pratt?
PRATT IS ASLEEP AND SUDDENLY WAKES UP.
PRATT
What? Eh? yes Sir.
PC
What did I say then?
PRATT
Don?t forget to wear a skirt at all times.
PC
Platoon Sergeant, deduct one point from Pratt's Section. wight, move out everyone.
CPL CLARK TURNS TO PRATT AND GIVES HIM A DIRTY LOOK.
PRATT
What?
PLATOON SERGEANT
Right Section Commanders, get your men outside, ready for inspection.
EVERYONE GETS UP AND MOVES OUT.
SCENE 9 OUTSIDE OF BILLIT IT'S GETTING DARK
THE SECTION ARE IN A LINE READY FOR INSPECTION. IT?S A COLD, ICEY NIGHT. CPL CLARK IS GETTING HIS GRIDS. THE SERGEANT IS INSPECTING. HE FIRST INSPECTS PARKIN.
SGT
Get more cam cream on Parkin, I can still see your ugly mush.
PARKIN
But Sergeant, it gives me blackheads.
SGT
Does it really? And I suppose your y fronts give you nappy rash.
PARKIN
No Sergeant, but I do find that if the elastic is too tight I get a large swelling right on the end of my?
THE SERGEANT QUICKLY INTERRUPTS HIM.
SGT
Stop talking shite, didn?t they teach you anything in training? Why do we put cam cream on Parkin?
PARKIN
Err? to break up the outline of your face, so you blend into the background.
SGT
Correct!
THE SERGEANT PUSHES THE CAM CREAM TUBE INTO HIS CHEST HARD.
SGT
More cam cream before I break up the outline of your face, and you?ll definitely blend into the background.
HE NEXT WALKS UP TO PRATT, WHO HAS TOO MUCH ON . WALKS, NODS HIS HEAD. HE THEN WALKS UP TO HATTY WHO'S FACE IS CAKED IN IT AS WELL. YOU ONLY SEE THE WHITES OF THEIR EYES.
SGT
Are you two brothers?
HATTY AND PRATT LOOK AT EACH OTHER DUMBLY. THE SERGEANT WALKS UP TO WOCKO.
SGT
Well done Private Watkinson, that?s how you put cam cream on. Nice and evenly all over, everyone else take note.
WOCKO
But Sergeant I haven?t put any on yet .
THE SERGEANT'S EXPRESSION SPEAKS FOR ITSELF
SGT
Right gentlemen, let's have you jumping up and down. Remember you're patrolling at night, that means no banging or clanging. I don?t want to hear a sound? well, what are you waiting for, jump.
THEY ALL START TO DO IT. WE THEN HEAR THE MOST ALMIGHTY CLATTER OF MESS TINS ETC AND A SLOSHING SOUND.
SGT
Stop!!!! The enemy would hear you lot coming from ten miles away. This is a night exercise gents, all of you get your kit off and sort it out. Not you Pratt, get here.
PRATT STANDS IN FRONT OF HIM AND IS PUZZLED.
SGT
Jump up and down.
WE HERE A WHOOSHING SOUND.
SGT
What the hell is that? You sound like a washing machine, open your jacket.
THE SGT PULLS OUT A HOT WATER BOTTLE.
PRATT
Oh dear how did that get in there?
SGT
You tell me, A hot water bottle you nouse I'll be having words with you later get back in line with the others.
THE SERGEANT ADDRESSES THE SECTION.
SGT
Listen in. Out of a maximum of five points, I'm awarding you one point, and that was for Watkinson's face camouflage? and that was a fluke. So gents, you?ve got a lot of catching up to do already, let's hope you have a better Night Nav.
Corporal Clark you can move out now. Do you know where you?re going?
CPL
Yes Sergeant, I?ve got it all sorted.
CPL CLARK IS BUSY LOOKING AT HIS MAP. HIS LADS FOLLOW HIM DOWN THE ROAD.
SGT
Corporal Clark.
CPL CLARK LOOKS BACK
SGT
It's that way.
THE SERGEANT POINTS IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
CPL
Course it is.
THE SECTION TURNS ROUND, PASSING THE SERGEANT AND PRATT MAKES A COMMENT TO THE SERGEANT.
PRATT
God help us.
YOU HEAR SHEEP BLEATING AS THEY DISAPPEAR INTO THE DISTANCE.
PRATT
We're all going to die!!
SCENE 10 EXT ON A FIELD NEAR A ROAD
THE SECTION IS MOVING ACROSS A FIELD IN SINGLE FILE. THERE'S A LOT OF MOANING. IT'S DARK, THEY?RE LOST .
PRATT
We?ve been going two hours and we haven?t even reached our first checkpoint yet.
HATTY
Admit it Carky, we?re lost aren?t we?
THEY COME TO A ROAD.
CPL CLARK
This isn?t right. There shouldn?t be a road here.
PRATT
You?re right Clarky? its the map that?s wrong, you always seem to get a bad one.
CPL CLARK
Shut it you, it's not my fault. How can I see any road marking in this snow.
THEY?RE ALL NOW IN A SMALL CIRCLE, LOOKING AT THE MAP WITH A TORCH. MORALE IS LOW.
PARKIN
Let me have look at the map, I'll tell you where we are.
HATTY
Button it new boy, Corpse knows where he?s going, don?t you Corpse?
CLARK GIVES THE TORCH TO PARKIN.
CPL CLARK
Here, make yourself useful. Hold that. Now according to the map we?re here, the check point is here, so, we are faced with one choice?.. left or right?
PARKIN
It?s got to be left hasn?t it?
THEY ALL LOOK AT PARKIN
HATTY
Who asked you?
PARKIN
The check point's near Titmarch, isn?t it?
CPL CLARK
Err? yes!
PARKIN POINTS THE TORCH AT A ROAD SIGN WHICH IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.
PARKIN
Well, what does it say on that sign up there?
THE SIGN READS, TITMARSH 2 MILES, THEY ALL DUMBLY AGREE.
WOCKO
He
