Rifeguard
Written by: D.J. Smith / Donny Smith
Synopsis: A young Asian boy follows his dream of becoming a lifeguard at Myrtle Beach with the help of his washed up racist boss.
Cast:
Chongan “Chonger” Fong – Skinny, uncoordinated Asian who at the disgust of his traditional family becomes a lifeguard at the grand strand.
Dirk Anderson – A former world renown lifeguard, now a confederate flag flying drunk. He is the manager of South Myrtle Beach Patrol, chairs 15 – 20.
J.T. – Tan pretty boy that everyone likes, and is a born lifeguard. Although Dirk thinks he is a perfect angel and puts J.T. in charge of taking Chonger under his wing, he constantly berates both of them and plays cruel pranks.
Lydia James – Hot lifeguard whom Chonger fanaticizes over. She has a thing for J.T. but doesn’t always agree with his antics.
Mei Li Fong – Chonger’s older sister, she believes in Chonger and helps him through tough times via Skype from her surgeon’s job at UCLA medical center.
Episode 1 Scene 1 “Meet the Chonger's”
Fade in: Dirk is shirtless, fat leathery beer belly protruding from his tattered shirt, cigarette hanging from his crusty sun tan lotion mouth. He has an old rotten splinter covered lifeguard chair in the backyard of his double-wide trailer that he uses to train new cadets. He is teaching Chonger the proper technique on how to drag the lifeguard chair back and forth from the beach.
Chonger: Mista Anderson, I don’t mean to be rude, but this chair is hurting my hands.
Dirk: God damnit Chonger I know it aint a bamboo shute, but put your little panda bear paws on it and try it again.
Chonger squints and groans as he try’s again and again to tip the death trap. Dirk’s overweight 5yr. old with diabetes watches on with a dried snot covered face mixed with sticky tootsie pop crystals.
Chonger: Mista Anderson, my family is coming to visit this weekend. I would really like for them to see me working a chair at the beach.
Dirk: I don’t know little buddy, you gotta crawl before you save a life. Say, where they stayin anyway? I know you people like to sleep in confined places. Tell em they can stay here, no questions asked. For a nominal fee, heh, heh, heh. (Dirk elbows Chonger inappropriately)
Chonger: They have made reservations at the Hilton.
Dirk: On Hogwash! I wouldn’t have is any other way. Besides that Hiltons got a major maggot problem…or maybe it’s just the dumpsters. Well Chonger, trainings done for today you go on have yourself a good evening. Have you been to Ripley’s?
Chonger: No sir.
Dirk: On Thursday nights kids 12 and under get in free. Just put that damn yella polo shirt on you wore over here…they’ll let ya in.
Chonger walks away, polo in hand with his head down. When he turns, his back is bloody and covered in splinters. Dirk walks up the steps to his trailer.
Dirk: Honey, break out the fine China, were havin the Chongers over for dinner. You recon they call it China?
Dirks Wife: They probably just say plates Dirky.
Dirk: I’m gonna need you to head over to Piggly Wiggly tomorrow, and get some burgers and wieners. Now I know they’re a little pricy, but I wanna show these Chongers we mean business.
Morning – Dirk wakes up late, jumps out of bed, smacks his wife on the ass.
Dirk: Love ya blue bird!
Dirk runs his head under the faucet, rubs no-ad sunscreen on his face, lights a cigarette and dives into his rusty jeep Comanche. He cranks up the radio and peels out. Dirk is swerving in and out of traffic, long soggy hair flapping in the wind. When he pulls up to the station J.T. and the boys are outside smoking and joking. Chonger and Lydia are sitting around the role call table.
J.T. :That fat bastard better not put me with Chonger again. I lost $60 in tips and a possible BJ because the Dongers such a dipshit.
Guys: What he do?
J.T.: He kicked this fucking family with a smoking hot daughter out their chairs before 4:00, he said his watch was fast because Dirk told him some shit about the early bird catching the worm.
Dirk: All right boys and girl, roll call.
Dirk only manages 5 chairs so it’s obvious when someone is absent, yet everyday he goes through the same routine.
Dirk: J.T. (nods), Aaron (nods), Lydia (nods), Michael (nods), Jason (nods), Chonger…Chonger…Chonger…
Chonger: Right here sir!
Dirk: Just a little new guy hazing Chonger, don’t get your hello kitty panties in a bunch.
Everyone laughs, Chonger puts his head down on the table in embarrassment.
Dirk: All right, low tide for now nothing special. Clear skies no chance of rain on account my knees not bothering me. Keep your yella flags close when those waves get over 2 footers. J.T. you got chair 20 with the Chonger.
Scene 2
Mr. and Mrs. Fong are standing in the airport terminal in Tokyo waiting to board a flight to Atlanta, GA USA. Mr. Fong is a distinguished looking gentleman. He is wearing a silk pinstriped suit (blue). He has expensive Italian shoes and a Rolex watch. He is 50 years old but looks your for his age, with a touch of gray hair. He is 5’5” and weighs 145lbs. He keeps in shape with regular morning runs. Mr. Fong is a very successful banker and holds his Japanese traditions close. He cares very deeply about his children but is quick to anger. He expects a lot from his children. Mrs. Fong is a respected surgeon. She is conservative and traditional in most ways but allows her children to express themselves. She has always encouraged her children to have free thought and show their feelings. The only disagreements the Fong’s have are in regards to the raising of the children. Mr. Fong has always thought Mrs. Fong was too easy on the kids. He blames her for some of the decisions Chonger has made. Mrs. Fong is dressed in a more modern pants suit. She is small framed and has jet black hair. She has a warm smile and makes friend easily. She enjoys engaging in small talk while Mr. Fong would prefer to be left alone.
Mr. Fong: I blame you for this. I have paid for the finest schools, the best tutors. It is not like he is stupid. Of all the choices, to be a lifeguard at Myrtle Beach! (he spits when he says Myrtle Beach and is face is getting red.) It is an insult to our entire family. My father is turning over in his grave thinking about Chongan running out into the ocean to save some fat American girl who got a cramp from too much cotton candy! (Mr. Fong is talking loud and some people at the airport are starting to stare.)
Mrs. Fong: Honey, please try to calm down. Chongan is following a dream. A dream to go to America and make a difference.
Mr. Fong: To go to America and make an ass of himself.
Mrs. Fong: No, to go to America and make a man of himself. You have to have faith, someone had faith in you and look how you turned out.
Mr. Fong: I was born with very little and made something of myself. Chongan was born with everything and made a janitor of the Atlantic out of himself.
The Fong’s flight is called and they board the flight. They are seated in first class. The row consists of two very large seats with individual monitors in the center. They are given bath robes and slippers. The service is excellent. The food and wine are delicious. Mr. Fong is able to relax for the first time in a long time. A smile has even formed on his face.
Mr. Fong: Maybe things are going to be OK, Chongan will make us proud, I am sure of it. I will try to keep an open mind.
Mrs. Fong: That is all I ask.
They hold hands, and the flight is bliss. The Fong’s arrive in the loud bustling Atlanta airport. People are bumping into Mr. Fong everywhere he turns. His good feelings are quickly leaving. Mr. Fong observes someone throw his very expensive luggage aside to gain access to their ripped up duffle bag.
Mrs. Fong: Please relax honey, the veins in your head are going to explode. Americans are always in a hurry. People get a little crazy in airports.
Mr. Fong: It smells like sweat and illiteracy in here.
Mrs. Fong: Just grab your bag, we have to hurry.
The Fong’s board a flight to Myrtle Beach. There is no fist class on the flight. The Fong’s take a seat in the middle of the airplane. The seats are very close together. Even though the Fong’s are small, they are uncomfortable. Mr. Fong is stated by the window and Mrs. Fong is in the middle. The Fong’s observe an obese teenager walking down the aisle. He is wearing a black sleeveless t-shirt. It has two boxing gloves coming out together. One glove has the American flag the other the USSR flag (Rocky IV). He has on jean shorts that appear to be homemade. They were cut too short and expose his fat pasty white legs. He already has the makings of some serious varicose veins running over his freckle covered stumps. He is sporting a “no fat chicks” trucker hat with long strands of greasy red hair hanging out. His white socks are pulled up over his enormous calves. The socks are stained with a yellow substance. It appears he has used the socks for a napkin after snacking, or possibly to clean himself. He is carrying a large soda in one hand and a dirty back pack in the other. He has the back pack over his swollen shoulder. The pack strikes two passengers as he walks bye. He is wearing an old style walk-man and blasting Cinderella “someone save me.” The teenager walks toward the Fong’s.
Mr. Fong: Please No! (terror strikes Mr. Fong’s face as he realizes the fat kid may sit next to him and Mrs. Fong)
Fat Kid: Can you hold this?
The cup is very sticky and covered with dirty finger prints. Mrs. Fong holds the cup as far away as possible and tries not to look at it. She tells herself she is a surgeon and has seen far worse. The fat kid bends over to put his back pack under the seat. The obese teenager exposes 6 to 7 inches of unsightly butt crack. Red hairs can be seen jumping from the dirty tunnel. The fat kid waddles into his seat. He pulls the beverage from Mrs. Fong’s hand without saying anything. The music from the Walkman is very loud.
Mr. Fong: Can you please turn down the music?
Fad kid: what?
Mr. Fong: Turn down the music please.
Fat Kit: Huh?
Mr. Fong stands up and pulls the head phones from the kids head.
Mr. Fong: I was trying to tell you to turn down the music.
Fat Kid: I am sorry man. You guys must have good hearing cause your eyes are small and squinty. I could barely tell if you guys were awake. Do you want a shot of this dew? It will really open up your eyes.
The fat kid laughs very had as he thinks he has really said something funny. The fat kid leans over once again exposing his butt crack. He digs through his back pack retrieving various sugary snacks. He chews with his mouth open and covers Mrs. Fong with food particles. A flight attendant walks down the aisle handing out peanuts.
Flight Attendant: Do you people eat peanuts?
Without waiting for a response the flight attendant throws the peanuts onto Mr. Fongr’s lap.
Fat Kid: Just so you know I got my eye on you.
Mrs. Fong: Excuse me?
Fat Kid: I know you might want to blow up this airplane, but I am a trained security guard.
Mr. Fong: You don’t have to worry about us. We just want to get to Myrtle Beach as soon as possible.
Fat Kid: Whatcha doing in Myrtle Beach?
Mr. Fong realizes that he has entered into a conversation with the kid and wants out. He ignores the fat kid.
Mrs. Fong: We are going to see our son. He is a lifeguard.
Fat Kid: No crap, my brother was a lifeguard, he quit though. He got a job parking cars. It was a lot more money.
Mr. Fong lets out a long sigh. The fat kid falls asleep but lets out a series of loud smelly farts. The plane lands at the Myrtle Beach airport.
Scene 3
The Fong’s approach the car rental counter. They have rented an Audi R8. Mr. Fong called several times to ensure they had the car reserved.
Car Rental Guy: Can I help you?
Mr. Fong: The Fong’s, we rented the Audi R8.
Car Rental Guy: Sir, I have some good news and some bad news.
Mr. Fong stares at the man.
Car Rental Guy: We do not have the Audi, I think it’s a chick car anywho. We do have the limited edition Intimidator Dale Earnhardt Monte Carlo. It makes 400 horses and will blow the skirt up on any chick in a 3 mile radius, no offense maam. It’s jet black with a huge #3 on the door. I will let you in on a little secret… we “fixed” the exhaust. That thing will scream. If it aint rented me and the boys will take that thing on the strip.
Mr. Fong: This is unacceptable, I confirmed my reservation. I want to speak to a manager.
Car Rental Guy: I am sorry, I am the manager and that is all we have. I could get you one of those rickshaws you people like, just kidding. I think you will like the Monte. Yall in the south now. Let yourself live a little.
Mrs. Fong: We will take it. (Whispering) It will be OK.
Car Rental Guy: Enjoy the car, and welcome to Myrtle Beach!
Mr. Fong walks out to the car carrying the keys that are attached to what appears to be a large belt buckle.
Mr. Fong: I am going to ram that monstrosity through the building. This car, much like this stupid country, is loud and ugly.
Mrs. Fong: I do not know, it might be fun. I have never seen a car like this before. It may be like NASCAR. Let’s take in some Americana.
Mr. Fong fires up the Monte Carlo. It comes to like with a deafening roar. Mr. Fong spins the rear ties and pulls out in front of traffic. Several cars have to slam on their brakes. A wave of cars pass Mr. Fong. Every vehicle gives him the finger as they pass. Mr. Fong proceeds to travel below the speed limit with his right turn signal on. The Fong’s pull onto Dirk’s street when a child runs in front of the car. Mr. Fong slams on his brakes and avoids striking the child. The child’s father runs out into the street. He screams at Mr. Fong for speeding down the street and spits a luggy on the windshield of the Monte. Mr. Fong pulls away. He activated the windshield wipers causing the slime to spread like jelly. They arrive at Dirk’s house for dinner. Chonger had made arrangements for his boss to meet his parents. Chonger is working a late shift and Dirk volunteered to cook.(have his wife cook) As the Fong’s pull up to the trailer, they observe a dilapidated double wide badly in need of a paint job. There is a deck running around the lower level with missing boards. Some of the planks are bent up with exposed nails. There are numerous broke down cars in the dirt driveway. Several raggedy looking mutts are running around. Mr. Fong gives his wife a dirty look as he pulls in front of the house and puts the car in park. A dirty mutt instantly runs over to the vehicle and starts scratching at the door.
Dirk: Get off that beautiful vehicle Sheet head. You must be the Chongers, please forgive Sheet head, he just gets excited. I call him Sheet head because he aint got no sense. The guys think it’s a real funny name.
Mr. Fong: Thanks for inviting us to your home Mr. Anderson. Chongan has told us about how you have helped him prepare for his new profession.
Dirk: No problem Mr. Chonger. I really like that little bastard; some of the guys around here aren’t as cultured as me and the misses. I mean, so what he wears his shorts a little too short and his goofy ass glasses. Everyone has there own thing. I thought the Chonger was a little on the slow side, but he is starting to get it. He can’t carry as much as the other guys, but hell, they make me hire chicks. A retarded China-man can’t hurt nothing.
Mr. Fong: Uhhhhh….
Dirk: You must be Mrs. Chonger, way to go Mr. Chonger!
Dirk gives Mr. Fong some playful elbows.
Dirk: Hey Honey, the Chongers are here.
Mr. Fong studies Dirk as Mrs. Anderson is walking out the house. Dirk is wearing florescent green swim trunks with the phrase “you can’t touch this” stamped on the ass. He also has on a tuxedo t-shirt and no shoes. His hair is slicked back and appears wet with grease. Dirk continuously refers to his shirt as “beach formal”.
Dirk: Come on in and make yourself at home ore as you people say mi casa es su casa.
Mrs. Fong: Mr. Anderson we are from Japan, we are not Latin.
Dirk just looks at her and starts to walk up the rickety steps to the trailer.
Dirk: Y’all can take your shoes off here. I know you people do that kind of thing. We make old Chonger keep his shoes on after he got the athletes foot.
Mrs. Fong: sigh
Mr. and Mrs. Fong put their shoes down and promptly the dogs begin to chew on them. Dirk opens the screechy broken screen door. As soon as the door opens Dirk’s diabetes filled child strikes Mr. Fong in the groin with a marble from a slingshot. Mr. Fong screams in pain as Mrs. Fong runs to his side.
Dirk: Put that damn slingshot away Jr. I told you about nut shots. That just aint cool! Hey Mr. Chonger you ok? Nothing Mrs. Chonger can’t take care of later.
Dirk laughs hysterically as he elbows Mr. Chonger.
Mrs. Dirk: Mr. Chonger would you like some ice for your testicles?
Mr. Fong: I will be fine.
Mr. and Mrs. Fong enter the house and observe a plywood floor covered in toe nails, dog hair, and candy bar wrappers. Mrs. Fong has a seat on the couch.
Dirk: Mrs. Chonger you may not want to sit there. It is kind of the dog’s spot after the whole uncontrollable urine thing.
As Dirk is talking Mrs. Fong is overcome with the smell of urine and jumps from the couch.
Dirk: Mr. Chonger let me show you around a little. First I am going to show you my finest possession. I would rather you slap my wife than disrespect that there autographed picture of Elvis Aaron Presley, and the flag of the great state of South Carolina. I call the picture of Elvis….401K, it’s as good as money in the bank. I got is after the city had to give me some money after the accident. I think it is a really good investment. Hey baby, bring me that Halloween picture.
Mrs. Dirk: Here you go Dirky.
Mrs. Dirk hands Dirk a photo in which they are dressed in really racist oriental costumes. Dirk is wearing a large straw hat; he has on black pajamas and fake buck teeth on. Mrs. Dirk is dressed in a similar fashion. Dirk shows Mr. Chonger the photo.
Mr. Fong: Wonderful.
Dirk: I tell Chonger all the time, if he works really hard and saves his money he could have something like this some day.
Dirk holds his arms out and looks proudly at his crap heap of a house.
Dirk: I guess I do not have to tell Chonger about saving money. That SOB has three or four uncashed checks in his locker. I always tell him he could give them to me if he don’t want em. That’s our little joke.
Dirk gives Mr. Fong a few elbows.
Dirk: Mr. Chonger I got to show you something outside. You aint the only one with a cherry ride.
Dirk and Mr. Fong walk to the side yard.
Dirk: That there is a 1972 Barracuda, serious American muscle. Go ahead and have a seat.
Mr. Fong moves a bunch of trash off the passenger seat and sits down. After several attempts to start, the rust heap comes to life. An enormous cloud of black and white smoke rolls from the exhaust. The toxic fumes overtake a neighbor sitting on his deck. The neighbor bought the home for retirement and hates Dirk. His peaceful existence is constantly ruined by Dirk’s cars, kids, dogs, and loud mouth wife. He is secretly plotting to kill them all. Dirk continues to rev the engine until it becomes a deafening roar.
Dirk: Mr. Chonger, me and you would be cruising the strip right now if it wasn’t for that GODDAMN DRIVE SHAFT!
Dirk turns off the car and storms back into the house without saying a word.
Mrs. Dirk: I’m sorry about Dirky; he gets very angry about that stupid car.
Mr. Fong: It is a fine automobile. I thanks you Mrs. Anderson for your hospitality, but my wife and I must be leaving. I am very tired.
Mrs. Dirk: Don’t be silly, I made a fine spread. You must stay for dinner.
Mr. Fong: Very well then.
The families gather around an old picnic table inside of the trailer.
Dirk: While we enjoy this feast, we will listen to the comedic styling of one Jim Varney. You aint gonna believe this Chongers, but I went around calling everyone Vern for damn near a year.
Mrs. Dirk: He was driving us us all crazy!
Mrs. Dirk brings out an array of greasy deep fried seafood.
Dirk: You ever think about things Mr. Chonger? I mean, how things could have been. What if you people would have won the war. Would we all be kind of small and doin Karate and stuff? I am kind of a big thinker. Hey, by the way I’m real sorry about that Rambo fella killing all your country men. You gotta admit your guys kind of started it.
Mr. Fong: Is there anything that is not deep fried?
Dirk: Nothing is too good for you Mr. Chonger we deep fried everything. Good old homecookin is the best, but if you guys have to go out for food while you’re here, I recommend Thorny’s. It’s got the combination of class and ambiance I look for. I got a 10% off coupon over there on the fridge. You can have it; they kind of banned me after a wild turkey incident. Thorny’s can kiss 10% of my ASS!
Mrs. Dirk: Settle down Dirky.
Dirk: Sorry Blue, you know it was not my fault. That little bastard was faking a mental handicap when he pissed all over my flip flops. I had no choice but to retaliate. That sure was a bucket of piss.
Mrs. Fong chokes on her water.
Dirk: Mr. Chonger you haven’t even touched your PBR.
Mr. Fong: I am not really in the mood to drink.
Dirk: Mr. Chonger, I once chugged a beer on the toilet with explosive diarrhea.
Mrs. Chonger drops her fork on the plate and stares at the wall.
Fade Out.
