First Call
Int. Pizza Restaurant
Sam is waiting tables at RW Pizza. He is wearing his usual fake smile as he begrudgingly makes his rounds.
Mrs. Donahue
So I would like to have a medium...no make it a large extra sausage pizza.
Sam is drawing a large penis on the waiter order paper.
Sam
And would you like that pizza cooked extra crispy like you usually have it Mrs. Donahue?
Mrs. Donahue
Oh you know I would Sammy.
Sam begins to fill in the penis picture making the penis black.
Sam
Mhm...okay...I'm assuming you want extra cheese with that too Mrs. Donahue. I know you like that extra cheese!
Mrs. Donahue
Yes please sweetie.
Sam draws a large amount of semen coming out of the end of the black penis.
Sam
Alrighty I'm just gonna take this order back to the kitchen and we will get that pizza cooking for you.
In kitchen Sam hands Bill the penis drawing.
Bill
Hahaha. One large crispy sausage pizza coming up!!!
cut to:
title: "Slice of life"
Title: "Daily Grind"
Act I
Fade In:
Int. Rw pizza kitchen
Sam's cell phone begins to ring.
Sam
Shhh...Shhh...Shhh. Everyone be quiet its my first call of the day! ...Relationship-Help Hotline this is Sam! Sir... Calm down sir... No need to end your life today. Sir where are you? The what? The what? Oh the golden gate bridge. Aw I love that spot.
Sam continues topping pizza's at his day job while talking to a Relationship-Help Hotline person via the hands free bluethooth in his ear.
Sam
Mhmmm...Mhmm... Oh so your telling me you fucked your wifes mother and she found out...yikes...well there's no way around that... Sir can you hold on for just one second? Two large pies for Girl! Once again two large pizza's for girl! Jesus Bill you have to take down a name when your doing a phone order. I know you have only worked here for a few weeks but come on man! Girl? Really!
Bill
Well it was a girls voice so I just wrote down girl.
Relationship-Help Hotline guy 1
Dude are you working at another job right now! I'm standing on the edge of a fucking bridge! I'm about to fucking kill myself you selfish little pile of shit! I need help.
Sam
No-no-no... You have my full attention sir... Order up! One large pepperoni one gluten free no cheese no sauce!
Bill
I told you it's a bad idea to multi task jobs like this man...you know that guys probly just gonna end it...wonder if he's gonna beat off while ending it. I know I would.
Sam
Shut the fuck up Bill!
Relationship-Help hotline guy 1
Goddammit man! This is the worst Relationship-Help Hotline experience I have ever had. Who the fuck is Bill? Doesn't fucking matter. Fuck you. I'm just gonna do it.
Sam
Come on no your not and Jesus how many times do you call this hotline anyway...I'm not that bad am I?
Relationship-Help Hotline guy 1
Uhmmm yeah you are pretty fucking bad...
Bill
Tell him to jack off while he does it.
Sam
Shut up Bill! Actually you do have a point. Well if your gonna do it you may as well beat off and try and see if you can ejaculate before you hit the water/end your life. Could be your last time. Or even better just stand up on the railing and jack off into the ocean. How about that huh?! You don't have to die and you can cum it's a win-win situation...I mean they might make you a sex-offender for doing it...but nothing too serious.
Relationship-Help Hotline guy 1
Dick don't work.
Loud noises from customers in line at the pizza kitchen.
Sam
Sorry what was that.
Relationship-Help Hotline 1
Dick don't work!
Sam
Sorry it's really noisy here in my errr office. What was that? Everybody shut up!
Sam pulls out his Bluetooth device and switches his phone to speaker phone. Restaurant goes silent.
Relationship-Help Hotline guy 1
My fucking dick doesn't fucking work!!!!!!
Customers in the restaurant laugh.
Relationship-Help Hotline guy 1
Yeah, yeah...laugh it up asshole!
Embarrassed, Sam quickly puts his earpiece back in and turns off speaker phone.
Sam
(spoken quietly) But I thought you told me you used your dick to plow down your mother in laws vagina and that you wanted to kill yourself because your wife found out?)
Relationship-Help Hotline guy 1
I lied. Dick don't work! It doesn't even get hard at all...it's more or less like a lumpy piece of pizza dough.
Upon hearing that Sam drops the piece of pizza dough he is holding.
Sam
Ew... god it must really suck to be you... not hard at all? not even a little bit?
Relationship-Help Hotline guy 1
I'm on anti-depressants!
Relationship-Help Hotline guy's voice echoing away as he jumps off of the bridge. Splash.
Sam
Fucking shit, there goes another one.
Bill
huh. Cheeseburger in paradise...
Bill continues spacing-out/cooking while singing along too Jimmy Buffet music playing in the pizza shop.
Sam
Alright man you got this I'm going on my smoke break.
Bill
Okie dokie. Oh by the way you owe me five bucks.
Sam
Fine a deals a deal...but I really almost had it with this one. I mean he was this close to just stepping back off of that ledge and continuing on with his sex free limp dick depressing life. Fuck I was almost a real hero back there. A true american hero.
Bill
You just keep on telling that to yourself don't ya Sam.
Smoke Break
Ext. Behind the restaurant by the dumpster.
Sam lights up a cigarette and leans back on a dirty green dumpster. Homeless jack is sprawled out on the ground beside the same dumpster.
Sam
Hey Homeless Jack how ya doin?
Homeless Jack
Well I'd be doin' alot better if you gave me one of those grits.
Sam
No problem man.
As Jack reaches out to take the cigarette Sam notices that Jack has a large bloody open wound on his forehead.
Sam
Jesus christ Jack are you okay?!
homELESS JACK
Seen better days Sam. Seen better days.
cut to homeless jacks flashback:
Flashback: Homeless Jack is sound asleep inside the trash dumpster he calls home when all of a sudden it is lifted in the air by the forks of a deadly dump-truck. The dump truck proceeds to lift the dumpster in the air and smash out the trash into the exposed bed of the truck. Jack is screaming while extending his arms and legs to the sides of the dumpster struggling desperately not to be thrown into the self-crushing dump-truck bed. One sudden bang of the in-air dumpster sends him flying out head first into the parking lot concrete rendering Jack unconscious.
cut to present time:
ext. Behind the restaurant by the dumpster.
Homeless Jack
Anyways I spiderman'd it pretty good haha....
sam
Oh my god...
homELESS JACk
Anywho how's that Relationship-Help Hotline working out for you? You making any good doing that.
Sam
Not too shabby. Lost another one today. My first call of the day too so it was kind of sad. I mean the guys dick didn't work and he may or may not have banged his mother in law. Needless to say the guy had issues. Rest in peace.
Homeless Jack
Mother-fucker I fought in three wars. got aids from an Asian hooker. Lost my leg to a landmine and my dick aint' worked in over twenty years. Buncha' goddamn pussy's. Goddamn I hate hearing this bullshit Sam...Now you get back inside and stick do what you do best.
Sam
Blue-tooth Relationship-Help Hotline?
Homeless Jack
Pizza you goddamn idiot. Now leave me. Let a man drink in peace goddamn...fuckin' bluetooth motherfucker.
Sam
Alright, alright take care now.
Homeless Jack
An save me a slice will you.. I love that crispy sausage.
Sam
I know you do my homeless friend.
Homeless Jack
Who you callin' homeless...Fucking bluetooth pizza ass fucker.
Stoned in the walk-in
Int. walk in refrigerator.
Sam and BILL are sitting on the floor of the smoke filled walk in refrigerator passing a large duct tape covered bong between them.
Bill
And this is my favorite part of the day...pass it back to me.
Sam
You have been doing this all day.
Bill
Still my favorite part.
Sam
Sh...sh..sh!!! I'm getting a call.
Answers cell phone coughing loudly.
Sam
Relationship-Help Hotline this is Sam.
Bill
Literally fuck yourself!! hahah.
Sam
Dude! Shhh! uhh how can I be of service... Bill that's my slice! don't eat that!
Relationship-Help Hotline guy 2
Did I call the right number? Is everything okay over there? Hello!
Bill
Just hang that shit up dude! You already killed one guy today. Don't make someone else commit suicide while you try to help them...eat pizza and smoke weed with me. Come on bud.
Sam
Okay. okay your right.
Sam is very stoned and sets phone down to eat a slice of pizza but forgets to hang up the phone.
Bill
So how did you get this Relationship-Help Hotline job anyway.
Sam
Craigslist bro hahahah.
Sam and Bill both hear a loud noise of a gunshot come from Sam's phone.
Sam
Fuck he must have heard me say craigslist.
Fade out:
Frontal Butt
Int. Pizza Restaurant
Business is slow and Sam and Bill are being slackers chilling by the pizza oven sipping on jolt cola's.
Sam
Damn well that was a pretty easy day...I have no idea how Jerry keeps this restaurant open. I mean we probly only sold $800 worth of pizza so far and it's a Friday night!
Bill
Forget all that shit man. Dude I have a screenplay.
Sam
Wait. What?
Bill
Yeah man... you know how I told you I've been blowing off Jennifer lately.
Sam
Yea so...
Bill
Well I finally realized its cuz her ass sucks.
Sam
Hahaha dude.
Bill
Well, it does. Any who it got me thinking and writing. So picture this: Adam Sandler goes to bed one night then he wakes up with his morning wood but it hurts really really bad. So he goes to the bathroom to take a piss and low and behold his dick is where his ass is and his ass is where his dick is! He gets piss all over everything! And the best part is with all that Relationship-Help Hotline money your making I'm giving you the unique opportunity to invest in this endeavor with me.
Sam
So your telling me you've been blowing off having sex with your girlfriend to write a shitty Adam Sandler movie?
Bill
Yeah, bro its amazing. I got like one page totally written down. Also if you think about it with a frontal butt it would be the most convenient way to have anal sex in the missionary position! I really do think the gay community will love it! Am I right!?
Sam
Okay man hahah...good luck with tha....
fade out:
end of act i
Act II
fade in:
Int. rw pizza
Jennifer steps out from behind the corner by the cash register in the restaurant.
Jennifer
I heard the whole dirty truth you asshole! you fucking dirt bag...and you know I hate Adam Sandler movies. Thats the stupidest fucking idea for a movie I've ever fucking heard your such a tard! And anal! you fucking pig oh my god!
Sam
Hahaha.
Jennifer
Were fucking done Bill! And give me that pen back! I gave it to you so you could start filling out applications for real jobs! Your just gonna waste away in this pizza kitchen the rest of your life cuz you are a loser!
Jennifer storms off.
Sam
Well she's gone now..
Bill
Thank fucking god. Anyway so the title of the screenplay is Frontal-Butt. Netflix is going to eat the shit out of this butt! Im so excited! So what do you think?
Sam
Brutal truth?
Bill
Yeah lay it on me man.
Sam
Well I'm going to be honest with you this movie you are writing is going to suck. It is a horrible. I repeat HORRIBLE filthy gangreen mangee donkey balls of an idea...Also you will never finish writing it. And you probably will not be having sex any time in the near future either... But with that said if some how you do make this movie I would highly advise you in selling frontal-butt fanny-packs...it would be great merch for the fans. you could unzip the fanny pack and it would be like your unzipping an asshole..Just a thought. Anyways I gotta get home dude.
Bill
Frontal-Butt Fanny-Packs your a genius Sam! So are you considering investing in the film?
Sam
Ask me again later. Preferably when I'm drunk. Alright I'm out of here. Later man...
The neon restaurant sign flickers off. cameras fade:
Dinner at Sam's
Int. Sam's mom's house
Glenda
Honey you've barely even touched your pizza. I cooked it special just for you.
Sam
Mom how many times do I have to tell you please don't cook pizza. It's all I eat every day at work!
Glenda
Now you listen up Sam. I cooked this Digiorno for you and if you know whats best for you you will shut your mouth and start eating. You can never have too much vitamin P.
Sam
Ugh. Fuck it's frozen in the middle mom.
Glenda
Honey if it's cold in middle just nuke it. I nuked mine earlier for thirty five seconds and you don't see me complaining.
Sam
Okay. Okay.
Glenda
So, tell me about your day... Did you save any relationships today on your Relationship-Help Hotline? I just think it's so brave of you to try to help those horrible people.
Sam
They are not horrible people mom. It's just mostly people who are sad and lonely - looking for love... Looking for an answer really...
Glenda
Well if you want my advice you tell those pussies to sack up and go jack off... We don't need more wussy foo foo's in this world...Being in a relationship is not that hard. You cook. You clean. You shag. Done and done.
Sam
Mom. You have been divorced 5 times...
GlENDA
Oh shhh...
sam
Well the two calls I got so far I wasn't able to help them. They both committed suicide while I was on the line with them. It was really pretty sa...
Lurch in Sam's stomach.
Sam
Ma, I don't feel so good. That pizza really isn't sitting right.
Glenda
Honey I baked some lacto's into your crust. I know how you get constipated, so I made sure to put a decent amount in for ya.
Sam
Jesus mom what the fuck. I'm about to shit my pants!
Glenda
Then get your cute little behind to the john and release those demons. Your so stressed out all the time.. It's just a little lacto. God. Grow a pare.
Sam's cell phone begins to ring.
Sam
Ahhhh!!!!
Sam runs to the toilet while fumbling with his ringing phone. Sits on the toilet and answers his phone.
Sam
Relationship-Help Hotline this is....
Tremendous Bowell movement noises.
Relationship-Help Hotline guy 1
Holy fuck I can smell that through the phone. Jesus christ guy!
Sam
Hey I know your voice...I thought you killed yourself earlier when you jumped off the golden gate bridge?
Relationship-Help Hotline guy 1
No it didn't take. Just a couple shattered bones. Now they got me stuck up here in the hospital awaiting surgery.
Sam
Sorry to hear tha....
Awful poop noises.
Relationship-Help Hotline guy 1
That is just horrendous! Eat some tums man fuck! I can't even do this right now with those noises! I swear I can smell it through the line. I'll have to call you back.
Cut to:
int. hospital
A well groomed doctor is sitting on the bedside with suicide hotline guy 1.
Relationship-Help Hotline guy 1
I'm tellin' you doc that guy has got more issues then me Jesus Christ.
Doctor
Yeah I couldn't help but overhear the Bowell movements of your friend. My prognosis is he ingested an under-cooked digiorno.
Relationship-Help Hotline guy 1
You can tell all of that just from a shit sound? I'm impressed.
Doctor looks into camera and gives a thumbs up.
Cut to:
int. sam's mom's house
Sam and glenda are sitting at the kitchen table. Sam looks like hell.
Glenda
You okay honey.
Sam
Well my ass feels like the grand canyon if it was filled with trees and they were all on fire. But I guess I'll survive. I gotta go to bed mom. I got a big day at work tomorrow.
Glenda
Okay. Goodnight son. Remember to sleep on your stomach! Love you!
Sam
OK Goodnight!
Shirt Swap
Int. At the cash register inside Sam's workplace RW pizza.
Sam
Alright sir here's your two large pies. Cheese and peppers are to your right.
Customer 1
Thanks man. Have a good day.
Customer throws a $100 dollar bill in the tip jar.
Sam
Yo Bill that guy just tipped us a hundred bux!
Sam and Bill
Fuck yeah!
Sam and bill stare into the tip jar at the $100.
Sam
Dude think of all the cool things we can tonight. There is magic in the air today my friend I can feel it! So many cool sweet productive things this money can go towards!
Bill
So your saying we can walk to that bar across the street from your mom's house and get shitfaced right?
Sam
You took the words right out of my mouth!
Hot girl Beth enters the restaurant.
Beth
Hey boys!
Sam
Hey Beth. How are you today? You look really great.
Beth
I'm doing good. I finally dumped my boyfriend today. He was such a wast of time.
Sam
Oh for sure. That's great I'm happy for you.
Beth
Oh Hun your so sweet. Anyways I'm here to pick up my order.
Sam
Awe here we are one large sausage pizza. That's going to be $19.99.
Beth
I do a love a large firm Sausage....pizza... Well I'm gonna go home and eat your pie. But I will going out to Blinger's tonight. You should come find me. Maybe you can eat my pie.
Sam and Bills jaw drop.
Beth
Bye boys.
Bill
Holy fuck dude were going to Blinger's tonight! I can't believe this is finally happening. I heard if you order the burrito special from the kitchen they will give you cocaine!
Sam
I've heard the same thing... This should be very very interesting. and she said I could eat her pie. Holy shit man. Dreams do come true.
Bill
I'm pretty sure she was talking to me.
Sam
No no no she is all mine. Do you know how long I've been waiting for this. Tonight is my night.
Jerry the pizza shop owner enters the restaurant. Jerry immediately sticks his hand in the tip jar and pockets the $100 dollar bill.
Jerry
I don't mind if i do. hahaha. I love owning this restaurant. Money. Money. Money! How's the place holding up. Sam. Sparky.
Bill
My name is Bill sir.
Jerry
Fuck off sparky go wash some dishes.
Bill
Yes sir.
Jerry
So Sam. Sam the man! How you liking that extra 0.04 cents an hour Mr. Assistant manager!
Sam
Yea its cool. Thanks Jerry.
Jerry
You know I was just like you once. Poor. Young. Virgin. Searching through my mothers couch just to scrounge up enough change to buy a 40 oz. of misery and watch porn all night. But that all changed when I became assistant manager. And look at me now. Now I own the place. I am the sole owner of RW pizza. It is my legacy.
Sam
Well that's uhmm really cool Jerry.
Jerry
Anyways the reason I came all the way down here was that I was watching the security camera live feed and couldn't help but notice that you are wearing a black button up shirt. What size are you.
Sam
Uhmm medium? Why?
Jerry
Alright well it will have to do. I'm gonna need you to trade shirts with me. Now!
Sam
Okay. Okay.
Sam and Jerry take off and trade shirts.
Jerry
Gotta go to Roy's funeral today. And this shirt is just perfect. Might have to keep this one Sam.
Sam
Wait a second Roy died? I noticed he had missed his last two shifts but I had no idea he died!?
Jerry
Poor kid was crossing the street on monday minding his own business la-tee-daa then BAM! Semi truck rolls over him. Bones crushed. Brain hanging out. As flat as a pizza. Haha. Alright thanks for the shirt I'm out! And don't even think about closing early. I'll be watching you.
Jerry makes eye movements towards the security cameras and his cell phone then exits. Sam smells the shirt Jerry gave him and notices the sweat stains.
Sam
God fucking dammit.
Camera fades out:
Working Boys.
Int. Pizza Restaurant
Camera cuts to a montage of Sam and Bill working the pizza shop. Pizza in oven. Pizza out of oven into box. Customers dropping money in the tip jar. Sam and Bill cleaning and mopping the restaurant:
Bill
Not too shabby. It looks like we ended up making another hundred bucks in tips anyways. Fucking Jerry can't believe that guy just took that $100.
Sam
Don't worry about Jerry. It's 10 o'clock now we gotta get ready to go to Blinger's; and I have a special treat for both of us. Check this out.
Sam opens the register and underneath the cash drawer are 4 pills.
Bill
What are those?
Sam
Those are 4 pills of high grade ecstasy. I've gotta be on my A-Game for Beth.
Bill
Cool man lets do it! Oh by the way I'm driving us to Blinger's.
Sam and Bill both swallow two pressed ecstasy pills.
cut to:
Title: Exactly one hour later
mission
Fade in:
Ext. street outside bar
Sam and Bill hit the curb of the sidewalk with their car in front of the sleazy bar called "Blinger's." Both Sam and Bill have giant eye pupils and are very high.
Sam
Bill...Tonight will be a night to remember.
Bill throws up on his own lap. Then burps.
Bill
I'm fine. lets go.
Sam
That's my boy! This is going to be so rad!
Sam's phone begins to ring.
Sam
Relationship-Help Hotline this is Sam...
Camera Fades out:
end of episode
