The Negotiator
by Cindy Mackey
Copyright ? Cindy Mackey, 2010
Cast of Characters
Herman..............Tourist in his sixties
Wiz.................Tourist in his thirties
Lily................Headstrong Hawaiian woman.
Freddy..............Hawaiian man in his thirties. Scattered.
Duke................Muscular, vain Hawaiian man with very pale
skin. Looks White.
Kimo................Hawaiian Man?feminine. Creepy manner.
Glossary: "Haole" basically is used to describe a "White person."
Act I
SCENE 1: SCENE OPENS TO THE FRONT OF IOLANI PALACE IN
HONOLULU, HAWAII. HERMAN AND EDDIE, ?THE WIZ? ARE SITTING ON
THE STEPS, HAVING A HAWAIIAN PLATE FROM THE LUNCH WAGON.
HERMAN
What do you think?
WIZ
About what?
HERMAN
About what! About the food!
WIZ
It?s O.K., it?s O.K. The taste is good, but I wish
everything wasn?t so...mushy.
HERMAN
Yeah. I can see that.
WIZ
What?s in this green shit, anyway?
HERMAN
I think maybe it?s chicken. (takes a bite and chews) It?s
chicken.
WIZ
You sure?
HERMAN
Yeah. It?s chicken.
WIZ
I don?t know...everything tastes like chicken. Rabbits taste
like chicken, quail tastes like chicken...even frogs tastes
like chicken. Maybe it?s not chicken.
HERMAN
It?s chicken.
WIZ
It don?t...look like chicken.
HERMAN
I?m telling you, it?s chicken.
WIZ
Chicken isn?t supposed to be so...gray.
HERMAN
You use a lot of salt on things?
WIZ
What?
HERMAN
Salt. You, you like to put a lot of salt on your food?
WIZ
I don?t know. Never thought about it.
HERMAN
You like your food tasty, or on the bland side?
WIZ
Why would anyone like bland food?
HERMAN
Just answer the question. You like it tasty, or bland?
WIZ
Tasty. Why?
HERMAN
Well there?s your problem.
WIZ
What?
HERMAN
You probably put too much salt and such on your food. Bad
for the tastebuds. Shrinks them down like a slug.
WIZ
Nah!
HERMAN
Let me ask you something. You ever see a cook in a
wheelchair?
WIZ
What? (beat) No.
HERMAN
What about with a cane? You ever see a chef with a, a, a
cane or maybe wearing a diaper?
WIZ
What the hell are you talking about?
HERMAN
Cooks, see...you don?t ever see any of them like that because
they, they, they just don?t get the chance to get that
decrepid before they have to, you know, move on.
WIZ
Move on? What do you mean, move on?
HERMAN
Retire. Most cooks have to retire early because their, their
tastebuds are shot by the time they?re fifty, give or take.
WIZ
That?s bullshit! What about all those places downtown? With
the little Chinese guys cooking moo goo gai somethin?.
They?re probably eighty, ninety years old!
HERMAN
Oh, for chrissake! The Chinese, they?re not real cooks! They
got one goddamn bottle of sauce for everything! That?s not
cooking! Too much salt. Too much of that, that, that hot
chile crap you pour all over your food. That?s why you don?t
know the difference between a frog and a chicken.
WIZ
Oh! C?mon! Lots of people can?t tell the difference between
frog and chicken! Why do you think people started eating
frogs in the first place? Because it tastes like chicken!
Not because it taste like a frog!
HERMAN
You?ve got a point there. But I still say that, that,
that...
Herman pokes something on his fork.
WIZ
What?
Wiz looks closer.
WIZ
Is that a worm? Ugh! I knew the color of that purple shit
wasn?t right...
HERMAN
No. no....it?s from the green stuff with the milky white
crap... Oh! There?s another one!
WIZ
Oh, man! Fucking thing is full of worms! I think I?m gonna be
sick!
HERMAN
Waitaminute. I don?t think those are worms...
WIZ
Yeah they?re worms! Look at it!
HERMAN
I?m looking. (beat) I think they may be some kind of,
of...sea creature.
WIZ
Sea creature? What? You mean like a fish?
HERMAN
No. This aint no fish. I think it may be one of those,
those, those squishy things...you know, the ones that look
like a penis with eyes.
WIZ
A penis with eyes?
HERMAN
Yeah! And it?s got those little squiggly things coming out
the bottom...legs or what have you. Here...
Herman picks up the book next to him
and begins flipping through it.
HERMAN
There?s a picture of the thing in this book I got. See,
before I travel to a place, I always like to read up on it,
you know? The history, the cultural...habitats and such.
Keeps me one step ahead.
Herman finds the page and shows it to
The Wiz
WIZ
It?s a squid.
HERMAN
Yeah. Cute little bastards. Looks a little like my nephew.
WIZ
What the fuck is it doing in there? You think it fell in?
HERMAN
Of course not! These people...Hawaiians...they ate this kind
of squiggly shit all the time! They had to! See, you and me,
we can go out any time and get whatever we want?a burger,
fries, whatever.
But back then, the King, he got most of the good stuff, like,
like the steaks, chocolates, canons and such. The common
people...they just took what they could get.
WIZ
I guess it?s good to be the King.
HERMAN
Yeah. Bad thing is that the King liked the stuff so much, he,
he ended up trading everything away. The land, all the hot
women, what have you.
WIZ
Wow! What an asshole!
HERMAN
You got that right.
Herman closes the book and hands it to
The Wiz.
HERMAN
Here. It?s always a good idea to, to, to inform yourself.
Stay one step ahead.
WIZ
Nah. I?m O.K.
HERMAN
Whatdoyou mean, ?you?re O.K.?? What makes you think you?re
O.K.?
WIZ
What? What?s to know about life in paradise? What kind of
sunscreen I should buy? Where I go to get a Mai Tai with the
little umbrella in it? What technique I should use to get all
the sand outta my crotch? What?
HERMAN
(shaking head) No wonder they call it the ?lost generation.?
You don?t have a goddamn clue, do you?
WIZ
Aw! Here it comes...
HERMAN
I?m telling you, it?s always best to be informed. Educated.
Otherwise, you?re not going to know what to do if you get
yourself in a situation.
WIZ
What situation? What do you mean?
HERMAN
Like this here. (points at the plate) You would?ve wasted
your money throwing it away because you, you, you thought
this green crap was full of worms.
WIZ
Yeah. Now I?m throwing it away because it?s full of squid.
HERMAN
True. But at least you?re making an informed decision. It?s
very important. Especially when you?re in a foreign
place...you have to stay one step ahead. Know the history,
the culture...
WIZ
I just want to know where I can get a drink with one of
those...little umbrellas in it.
HERMAN
You can get that any hotel. Now THIS...THIS is a cultural
experience! You can?t get that at a bar or, or a beach!
WIZ
You know Herman, I?m grateful you asked me to come on this
trip...
HERMAN
You should thank my friend. He?s the one who suddenly got a
tumor.
WIZ
...but maybe we should?ve discussed our agenda before we
left. I mean, what the fuck are we doing here when we could
be lying on the beach watching bikinis?
HERMAN
They say it was the size of a baseball. Or golf
ball...something. Right there in his lungs. Funny thing is,
he, he never smoked a day in his life. Even did some of these
(moves his arms)every morning for thirty years.
WIZ
What? jumping jacks?
HERMAN
Yeah. Jumping jacks. See, the thing is, you never know when
there?ll be a tumor...or, or maybe you?ll get hit by a
bus...who knows? That?s why you have to appreciate life.
Don?t, don?t waste it all on little umbrellas and bikinis.
WIZ
I don?t think anyone would consider watching bikinis a waste
of time.
HERMAN
...depends on the bikini.
WIZ
True, true. (beat) I?m thirsty. You thirsty?
HERMAN
Yeah. I?m kind of parched, myself.
WIZ
I?ll go...
HERMAN
No. I?ll get it. I saw something I want from that cart over
there. Be right back.
Herman gets up and exits.
The Wiz looks through the shopping bag
next to him. He looks at the post
cards. He looks at the hula girl doll.
He turns the doll over and flips a
button on and it begins to dance. Then
he takes out a ?shark in a bottle.?
Herman appears with two coconuts with
straws.
HERMAN
Jesus! What the hell is that! Put that away!
WIZ
What?
Herman grabs the Hula girl, shuts it
off and shoves it in the bag.
HERMAN
What?s wrong with you? Didn?t I just tell you?
WIZ
What? I bought the stuff at the Hawaiian Mart! They should
be happy!
HERMAN
This, this, this is the kind of thing I?m talking about! You
don?t know anything about anything!
Herman sees the shark in the Wiz?s
hand.
HERMAN
And what the hell is THAT?
WIZ
It?s a shark in a bottle. See?
Wiz holds it up.
HERMAN
You got to get rid of this! Don?t, don?t, don?t you know
these Hawaiians...they consider the shark a god, for
chrissake! You can?t bring that in there!
WIZ
They think the shark is a god?
HERMAN
Yeah. It?s right there in the book!
WIZ
But they eat people! What kind of god fucking eats people?
HERMAN
Well here?s the thing: the shark god only punishes you if you
show disrespect. (beat) Like those, those, those guys on the
boards out there...
WIZ
What? You mean surfers?
HERMAN
Right. Surfers. See, most people think these, these surfer
guys get bit because the shark mistakes them for a turtle, am
I right?
WIZ
Yeah. I think that?s pretty accurate...
HERMAN
But that?s not the whole story. See, after I read this thing
about the shark god...I put two and two together and figured
there was something else going on there. That somehow, those
surfers were being targeted because they were disrespecting
the gods.
WIZ
What does that supposed to mean? Most of the time they?re
just floating around out there. How is that being
disrespectful?
HERMAN
You?re not going to believe this...but I heard it, first
hand, from one of those surfers on the beach there.
WIZ
What?
HERMAN
(in a semi-whisper) They shit their pants.
WIZ
Nah!
HERMAN
I kid you not! They shit their pants out there in the water
because they, they, they don?t want to come in and use the
can like any decent human being. Nevermind it only takes a
few minutes...they can?t stand to miss one goddamn wave.
WIZ
That?s disgusting!
HERMAN
You got that right. (beat) Let me tell you something: If I
was out there swimming around and I saw one of those guys
crap their pants next to me, I?d bite their balls off myself.
Herman sips his drink.
The Wiz grabs the coconut with a straw,
drinks then spits it out.
WIZ
What IS this?
HERMAN
What does it look like? It?s coconut milk.
WIZ
Ugh. I thought it was ....forget it.
HERMAN
It?s good for you. Stops you up when you got the runs.
WIZ
Why, you got the runs?
HERMAN
Who me?
WIZ
Who else?
HERMAN
I don?t have the runs. I?m just saying that if you get the
runs, this stuff is supposed to, to...you know, constipate
it.
WIZ
Huh. I didn?t know that.
HERMAN
Learn something new every day.
Suddenly, a dark, local man with a red
t-shirt that says ?SECURITY? on the
front runs into the scene, looking a
bit panicked.
MAN (FREDDY)
Hey! You two! Get outta here! Now! It?s closing!
WIZ
What?
MAN (FREDDY)
Get the hell out! The palace is closing! We?re...about to
close the gates!
HERMAN
But it aint five o?clock yet. The sign there says it closes
at five.
MAN (FREDDY)
No! We?re closing NOW! Go home!
HERMAN
Do you work here?
MAN (FREDDY)
No! Yes! We?re closing the gates! You have to get out, now!
Herman reaches in his pocket.
The man watches him and screams LOUD.
Herman takes out the brochure. Both he
and Wiz are staring at the man, who is
frozen.
The man loosens up when he sees Herman
took out a brochure.
HERMAN
Kinda high strung, aint you? (opening brochure)See...the
brochure here, it says five o?clock. It doesn?t say...
(looking at his watch) four eighteen. We got here late
because my friend here...he, he, he takes a long time to get
out, if you know what I mean.
MAN (FREDDY)
Look! It?s a special day! I-I-It?s the Queen?s birthday!
So...we?re closing early to celebrate, OK? Now get the fuck
out of here!
HERMAN
Whoa! Does your boss know you use that kind of language? I
don?t think they?d approve of you telling paying customers
to, to, to fuck off!
WIZ
Herman...
HERMAN
Waitaminute. Just let me finish and...
WIZ
Herman...
HERMAN
What?
Herman turns to Wiz and realizes there
is a woman standing there in an
identical red t-shirt, with a gun.
HERMAN
O.K. You win! We?ll go.
Herman and the Wiz grab heir things and
get up.
WOMAN
It?s too late. (gesturing to the doors of the palace) Get
your ass in there! Now!
Herman and Wiz begin to exit, followed
by the man and woman with the gun.
Lights dim.
Note: if you'd like to read the rest, please let me know!
