Vauxhall Nova and I ? a sitcom by Robin Marguerie
Episode 1 - Insult
Huddersfield, West Yorkshire, England, May 1996
A young woman drives her white Vauxhall Nova down a street of terraced houses, she parks up at the end of the row and approaches the far end terrace house. She knock on the front door, no answer, she knocks again, still no answer. As she goes to knock again a window upstairs opens
Martin
"What? "
Michelle
"What do you mean, what? We?re supposed to be there for seven?
Martin
"What time is it now? "
Michelle
"It?s ten to "
Martin
"Alright I?ll be down in five "
Martin shuts the window and Michelle gets into her Vauxhall Nova and puts one of her house music mix tapes on. She keeps looking behind her for Martin, she toots the horn several times, in the wing mirror she sees Martin approaching
Michelle
"Don?t hurry yourself Martin"
Martin says nothing, gets in and put his seat belt on as Michelle begins to drive away
Michelle
"What you been doing anyway?"
Martin
"Nothing"
Michelle
"I told you to be ready for ten to. I?ve got to park the car where I can pick it up tomorrow and we?ll have to walk to the student union?
Martin
"It?ll be fine, don?t worry "
Michelle
"Why were you not ready anyway??
Martin (defensive)
"I told you, no reason "
Michelle
"But you knew you had to be on time , I told you to be on time"
Martin
"I know , I'm sorry, can we just drop it"
A silence descends in the car . Michelle concentrates on her driving, as she does Martin starts touching his groin. Casually at first before it becomes more pronounced. Eventually Martin lifts his bum off the seat and gives an aggressive grab of his groin
Michelle
"What are you doing??
Martin
"Look, it's bloody uncomfortable Elastoplasting 4 ecstasy tablets onto your bell end you know??
Michelle
"Eurgh, why the hell did you put them there? What?s wrong with your socks??
Martin
"That?s the first place they?re going to look. Have you never watched a prisoner of war film??
Michelle
"Ok but why down there? "
Martin
"Why not??
Michelle
"It?s disgusting, couldn?t you have put them somewhere else??
Martin
"Like where??
Michelle
"I don?t know, your ear maybe?
Martin
"My ear? Ok and how then am I am going to hear? "
Michelle
"I don?t know use the other one "
Martin
"The other one? Right ok, great idea. Don?t ever get a job working with land mine victims will you Michelle. Sorry you?ve lost your leg but don?t worry that?s why they come in pairs. You'll be thankful in the end"
Michelle
"Look I?m just saying it?s unhygienic, that?s all. I?m not sure I really want something that?s been in your underpants "
Martin
"Well I didn?t hear any complaints last night?
Michelle (appalled)
"Disgusting?
Sensing he may have slightly over stepped the mark, Martin makes an effort to acknowledge Michelle?s point of view.
Martin
"No you ?re right , it is unhygienic but at the end of the day no one is going to search down there now are they? "
Michelle
"How do you know they won?t search you down there? "
Martin
"Well I don?t think putting your hands down a man?s underpants is in a nightclub bouncer?s job description now is it? . Especially students, you put your hand down there it?d probably disintegrate?
Michelle
"You never known the bouncer might be gay.?
Martin
"He might well be but that doesn?t mean he?s more likely to want to put his hand in my pants "
Michelle
"Well he?s more likely to do it if he?s gay than straight?
Martin
"Yeah now you mention it I do remember something in the works of Oscar Wilde about him working as a nob grabbing bouncer in Soho "
Michelle
"Now you?re just being stupid?
Martin
"I?m being stupid? You?re the one who just stereo typed all gay men as rampant student cock grabbers?
Michelle
"Did I say all gay men? Did I? I think you?ll find that I suggested that the bouncer, singular, might be gay?
Martin
"And if he is gay he?s automatically going to want to break every rule of decorum and civility and put his hand in my pants? Is that what you?re saying? "
Michelle
"Who said that? Jesus. What?s up with you? You on a come down??
Martin (defensive)
"No it?s just you?re talking Daily Mail gibberish?
Michelle
"I am, am I? Is that why there?s statistics that show that gay men are more promiscuous than straights"
Martin (sarcastically)
"Really? Where did you read that? On your Hospitality course??
Michelle (gnarled)
"Oh Piss off. I ?m just saying there?s evidence to prove it, you don?t have to believe me "
Martin
"Ok well I?ll take your word for it "
Michelle is growing increasingly incensed and she?s not prepared to let any comments from Martin go
Michelle
"What does that mean??
Martin
"It means whatever you say "
Michelle
"No, what do you mean by that??
Martin
"It means that I don?t have an opinion on it so whatever you say "
Michelle
"That doesn?t make sense, you either agree or disagree?
Martin
"We?re agreeing to disagree. Alright??
Michelle
"So you disagree then??
Martin
"I think we?ve just established that "
Michelle
"And yet you don?t have any evidence to back up your argument??
Martin
"I don?t need evidence to know you?re wrong "
Michelle
"Brilliant. Don?t ever join the police force will you Martin "
Martin
"Well nor should you, you?d go around arresting every gay night club bouncer "
Michelle slams on the car brakes
Martin
"What are you doing??
Michelle
"Get out!"
Martin
"What? Why??
Michelle
"I want you to get out of the car? "
Martin
"Well tell me what I?ve done "
Michelle (shouting)
"Just get out of the bloody car Martin?
Martin
"Alright.. alright?.alright "
Martin gets out of the car and Michelle speeds off
Martin (shouting after Michelle )
"Does that mean you don?t want me to get you any chewing gum then??
Martin arrives at the Student union and shows his NUS card at the entry and walks on through the crowded Union until he gets accosted by his friend Dan
Dan
"What the fuck have you done??
Martin
"You what??
Dan
"Debbie told me that you and Michelle had a row and you called Michelle a Guardian reader or summit "
Martin
"It was the Daily Mail "
Dan
"Well I just went over to talk to Debbie and she told me to just piss off. Normally it?s piss off and get me another vodka and tonic?
Martin
"I wouldn?t worry about it"
Dan
"Well it must be something pretty heavy because Debbie is normally on her 3rd bottle of Castaway by now and at the moment she?s only half way through her first and I?m m not dropping an E with Debbie if she?s sober?
Martin
"Fucks sake, all I said was that straight bouncers are equally as likely as gay bouncers to touch another man?s cock?
Just as Martin delivers the punch line a bouncer in the Student Union walks past and gives Martin a dirty look
Dan
"Anyway, did you get the Gary?s?
Martin
"Gary?s??
Dan
"Yeah the Gary?s "
Martin
"Err?????.?
Martin looks absolutely lost, Dan steps in as Martin doesn?t understand former professional Liverpool and Everton footballer, Gary Ablett, is rhyming slang for "tablets?
Dan
"Christ Martin. Gary Abletts? Tablets??
Martin
"Oh the pills? Yeah. I Got 4?
Dan
"Great, hand mine over I?m gonna do a couple now "
Martin
"No that?s 4 in total, one each?
Dan
"Oh for fucks sake "
Martin
"Calm down, they?re really good "
Dan
"How do you know that??
Martin
"Bloke I bought them off told me "
Dan
"And drug dealers always tell the truth don?t they? "
Martin
"The good ones do "
Dan
"Alright Oliver Twist lets go to the toilets so I can get my measly portion "
Martin
"You doing them now??
Dan
"Actually i was thinking of waiting until lunch on Sunday when i could share them out amongst Debbie's grand parents. Of course I'm doing them now,"
Martin
"Ok well I better go in first, these things are wrapped up tighter than a Christmas present from your grandma. Stay here and I?ll go and try and retrieve them?
Dan
"Alright well I?ll be here "
Martin is in one of the Men?s toilet cubicles. Martin has not exaggerated how tightly the "E?s? are taped to his penis. Each pull of the tape and plasters causes discomfort for Martin and he shrieks in pain. 2 men are standing at the urinal, as the shrieks of pain become more and more the 2 men start looking at each other laughing, misinterpreting the howls as two people having sex, one of the men shouts out ? "go on my son? . The howls continue and the men continue to laugh hysterically. Eventually Martin comes out of the cubicle, he walks up to the washing basin next to the urinals, one of the men turns to him and says "tight was it??, Martin nods his head and leaves the toilets, the two men look behind him expecting to see someone come out of the cubicle but see nothing
The action moves onto the club where the gang of friends are all on the dance floor, everyone is buzzing having a good time, Michelle is having a great night as is Martin and neither of them have had a chance to talk about the earlier incident, the action then moves to them walking home after the club by the canal, they are both buzzing off the E?s they?ve taken. It?s a warm night and Michelle is walking bare foot, Martin is walking along practicing his cricket bowling action. Michelle takes a seat on a grassy bank, Martin is still practicing his bowling action, running backwards and forwards pretending to bowl
Martin
"I need to get more side on babe, I?m sure I?ll take more wickets that way?
Michelle
"You got the lighter??
Martin walks over hands the lighter over and takes a seat next to Michelle who is trying, unsuccessfully, to light the cigarette, eventually she does, she hands the lighter back to Martin
Martin
"Listen I?m sorry about earlier, you?re not a Daily Mail reading Nazi, in fact you?re probably the least Nazi person I know "
Michelle gives a wry smile but doesn?t say anything
Martin
"Then again considering the only other people I know are Dan and Debbie that?s probably not saying much. Then you have my Dad but he reads the Telegraph, that?s even bloody worse?
Michelle has not really been listening
Michelle
"Listen Martin I got a phone call yesterday "
Martin
"Was it your scans??
Michelle
"Scans??
Martin
"Yeah, you know cancer??
Michelle
"What? "
Martin
"I thought you were going to say you got some bad news from the hospital "
Michelle
"Hospital? When have I been to the hospital? "
Martin
"I don?t know, in your lunch break??
Michelle
"No Martin I haven?t been to hospital in my lunch break and I don?t have cancer "
Martin
"Well that?s a relief, cos I was thinking I?ve just met a fit woman and now she?s going to die on me "
Michelle
"Martin, the phone call was from Paris "
Martin
"Paris??
Michelle
"Yeah Paris, they phoned to offer me a job. That?s why I was a bit of a bitch earlier?
Martin
"You?re not a bitch?
Michelle
"Yes I was, I left you at the side of the road, I mean who does that??
Martin
"Well I needed to buy some chewing gum anyway?
Michelle
"They want me to start as soon as possible "
Martin
"That?s great "
Michelle
"Is it? "
Martin
"Yeah, of course it is, it?s what you want to do "
Michelle
"Well yeah it is but what about us? You can?t very well just pop over from Huddersfield every weekend?
Martin
"Well then I?ll come with you??
Michelle
"What??
Martin
"I?ll come with you, it makes perfect sense?
Michelle
"But what about your degree? You?ve got another year left to do?
Martin
"What degree? A sports science degree? What do I know about health and fitness? I only did it because it was 4 hours of lectures a week and 2 of those you can do from home?
Michelle
"Ok, well say we do go to Paris, what are you going to do for money??
Martin
"I?ll get a job "
Michelle
"But you don?t speak French??
Martin
"But you do "
Michelle
"Yeah but I?ll be at work?
Martin
"So, I?ll just point. The British Empire was built on pointing.?
Michelle
"This is ridiculous. "
Martin
"No it?s not ridiculous. It makes perfect sense. Do you like me?
Michelle
"What??
Martin
"Do you like me??
Michelle
"Yeah, you?re alright "
Martin
"Ok, well I like you, in fact I like you a lot actually so let?s do it. Let?s have a road trip, except to one city in France?
Michelle
"This is the E?s talking, you?ll feel differently in the morning "
Martin
"No I won?t. I?m deadly serious, I mean what do we have here? Ok admittedly tons of great sex and quite frankly brilliant nights out but what else? A mickey mouse degree course, with the exception of yours, no hot water, no money, Dan. I?m losing nothing, if anything I?m gaining "
Michelle
"Like what? "
Martin
"A free summer holiday. And you of course, mostly you. "
Michelle gets a bit emotional and tries to light another cigarette whilst wiping a tear from her eye, Martin takes her hand
Martin
"Look if you say no. we?ll go our different ways, school?s out we can do we want. We both know a long distance relationship won?t work, for one thing a fox like you isn?t going to stay single for long even if it does mean having to go out with the French. We can do this, it?ll be fantastic. What do you say? "
Michelle takes long drags of her cigarette whilst she thinks the proposition over, while she does Martin starts singing the opening of Leader Of The Gang by Gary Glitter and pretending to dance flamenco
Martin
"Come on??.come on???.come on???.come on, come on , come on, come on?
Michelle
"Ok alright let?s do it "
Martin
"You sure??
Michelle
"Yeah I?m sure, let?s do it "
Martin and Michelle embrace and they both kiss
Martin
"Just do me one thing Martin, yeah??
Michelle
"What?s that? "
Martin
"Don?t ever fucking sing Gary Glitter again?
****************************** Opening credits**********************************
West London, May 2015
Martin, now in his late 30?s, several stones heavier and thinning hair leaves his West London flat dressed in running gear, he walks to the end of his road, starts his stopwatch and begins running. After 7 minutes he stops, wheezing and short of breath he lights up a cigarette, a homeless man (Mr Greening) sits a few yards away
Mr Greening
"You need to do more than that fatty?
Martin swivels round, cigarette in mouth
Martin
"What d?you say??
Mr Greening
"I said you need to a lot more than that if you want to shift that gut?
Martin
"What are you talking about??
Mr Greening
"I?m saying you?re a big lad and you don?t look like you?re getting any younger and as you get older it takes a bigger effort to get rid of the flab?
Martin
"What the f????., what are you? A personal trainer??
Mr Greening
"No but I know stuff, I know you ain?t gonna lose weight if the first thing you do is go home and fill up on carbohydrates?
Martin
"How do you know what I?m going to eat??
Mr Greening
"Just a hunch but I?ve seen your kind before?
Martin
"My kind? And what kind is that??
Mr Greening
"Oh you know treadmill and exercise bike in the basement gathering dust, no doubt being used to hang your washing on "
Martin
"For your information pal I don?t have a basement?
Mr Greening
"Can?t afford one??
Martin
"What? Oh bore off. You?re not exactly in a position to give a lecture on health?
Mr Greening
"And yet I?m thinner than you?
Martin
"That?s cos you?re homeless mate?
Mr Greening
"No, because I have everything in moderation?
Martin
"Yeah whatever?
Martin walks off and the homeless man shouts after him
Mr Greening
"See you around fatty, unless heart disease gets you first?
Martin stops and turns around
Martin
"Yeah well I think you?ve pretty much got that one sewn up?
Martin walks off uttering profanities under his breath. Back at home Martin is getting dressed after showering, the doorbell rings. Martin opens the door and Mr Greening the homeless man is standing in the doorway flanked by a smartly dressed woman (Siobhan Doherty)
Siobhan Doherty
"Is this the gentleman??
Mr Greening
"Yeah that?s him?
Siobhan
"Good Evening, my name is Siobhan Doherty and I work for Street Action, we?re a homeless charity which supports people sleeping rough in London?
Martin
"Oh yeah, I know about Street Action "
Siobhan (surprised)
"So you?ve heard of us?
Martin
"Yeah I?ve referred a few of my clients to you. I work for New Futures in Stockwell. I normally work with Khalda, do you know her? "
Siobhan
"No, can?t say I do?
Martin
"There? also Jeremy, I?ve referred a few people to him, he?s a good bloke. "
Siobhan
"Right, well I?m not here on a business to business catch up visit?
Martin
"Ok, what can I do for you??
Siobhan
"Well Mr Greening has come to me saying you insulted him "
Martin
"I?ve insulted him? I think you?ll find it?s the other way round?
Siobhan
"He said that he was trying to offer you nutritional and dietary advice and you started to ridicule him for being homeless
Martin
"Ridicule? Him? He called me fat, what do you expect me to do "
Siobhan
"Oh come on, in your line of work I would have thought you?d be used to that?
Martin
"What? Someone calling me fat? Believe it or not but it?s not a regular occurrence "
Siobhan
"I mean the tendency for vulnerable people to use industrial language on occasions?
Martin
"Yes but he wasn?t ranting about his lighter not working, he was calling me fatty, I mean how would you like to finish a 3 mile run and be greeted with a mouthful of abuse
Mr Greening gives a derisive snort
Mr Greening
"It was barely one mile Siobhan?
Martin
"See? Where?s he get off saying that? "
Siobhan
"I think it would be best if you just apologise "
Martin
"Me? Why should I apologise? He started it "
Siobhan
"Oh please, this playground mentally is ridiculous, be the bigger man?
Mr Greening
"He?s big alright "
Martin gives a dirty look to Mr Greening but says nothing
Martin
"No, I?m not apologising and besides do you make a habit of following everyone who has a difference of opinion with a homeless person , I mean with all the homeless people in London you must be rushed off your feet"
Siobhan
"For you information no I do not but I?m glad Mr Greening followed you home and contacted me "
Martin
"So he insults me , follows me home , what?s stopping me phoning the police? "
Siobhan
"And tell them what? That a homeless man you met in the park told you to eat less carbohydrates "
Martin
"Now you?re talking about carbohydrates. How do you know what I eat??
Siobhan
"Well with respect you don?t look like you live on a restricted diet "
Martin
"You don?t know that, I might have a thyroid problem?
Siobhan
"Well do you? "
Martin
"No, but you didn?t know that?
Siobhan
"Look, I don?t have time for this I have children to pick up. I?ve come here so you two can settle your differences and I?m asking if you can just apologise to Mr Greening?
Martin
"You?ve asked and I?m saying no?
Siobhan
"This is ridiculous, I?m quite frankly disgusted that someone like you who works with the homeless has this attitude. You?re a disgrace to your profession. Believe me this matter won?t end here "
Martin (dismissive)
"Do what you want "
Siobhan
"Come along Mr Greening?
Mr Greening
"See you fatty "
Siobhan (barking)
"Come along Mr Greening!!! "
Martin goes back to his bedsit the room is full of smoke coming from his oven. Martin takes the burnt food out of the oven and puts it in the bin, he opens a window and tries to waft out the smoke. Martin settles down at his laptop where he had been prior to the interruption, on an internet dating site arranging a meeting for the following evening. Martin finishes his message.
Martin is now in his office at work. Martin is in the middle of a consultation with one of his clients, John, a middle aged man who has been out of work for a decade due to long term health problems. John is 60 and is now on Job Seekers Allowance and is under pressure from Job Centre to find work. Martin is going through job vacancies on the computer
Martin
"There?s a part time retail job in a supermarket "
John
"Doing what??
Martin
"Reading between the lines it sounds like shelf stacking with some customer service. It?s working nights, it?s not badly paid, ?9 an hour "
John
"?9 an hour. I?d be better off robbing banks. I was on ?900 a week 10 years ago installing gas boilers?
Martin
"But you know you can?t go back into that work anymore John"
John
"Why not??
Martin
"Because the doctor said if you lift anything heavy you might add more damage to your vertebrae meaning you might never walk again. I mean you told me that the first time we met "
John
"I know but what am I supposed to do? I?ve got to work haven?t I? And that?s all I?ve done since leaving school "
Martin
"I know, I understand, that?s why we need to look at jobs that you might have a realistic chance of not only being able to do but more importantly might have a chance of getting "
John
"But shelf stacking in a supermarket? I found the general public a pain in the arse when I was fitting boilers and even then I was only dealing with normally one person, a supermarket is going to be full of them?
Martin
"It?s nights so most of the public will be in bed, plus it?s only light lifting, cereal boxes, that sort of thing?
John
"What if someone comes in and they want a TV set and I have to lift it for them??
Martin
"In the middle of the night??
John
"I don?t know they might be on drugs and smashed up their TV sets. Isn?t that what druggies do?
Martin
"Only if they?re in a 70?s rock band and even then it?s unlikely they?ll be touring outside of a Butlin?s Holiday camp and besides John, the area where this supermarket is, I doubt there?s any TV?s that haven?t been nicked by now?
John looks a little shocked
Martin
"John I?m kidding you?ll be fine, the days of people lifting ten times their body weight up a flight of stairs have long gone
John
"Not long enough for me "
Realising his faux pas Martin tries to move the conversation along
Martin
"Look John we?ve got a couple of days until the closing date so let me know if you want to apply for it and I?ll get you back in and we?ll do the application together "
John
"I don?t know Martin, I appreciate I?m not in a position to pick and chose but I know I?ll get bored of working in a supermarket, is there no training I can do or something a little bit more rewarding "
Martin
"Are you telling me that standing on your feet for barely above minimum wage in poorly lighted and heated conditions isn?t rewarding??
John
"I thought you were supposed to be convincing me to apply for the job?
Martin
"John I?ve been working with you too long to pull the wool over your eyes, it is what it is. It?s a boring repetitive shop job with absolutely no career prospects but it ?ll get you away from Job Centre and I know you?ve felt a little isolated and forgotten since Jean died so it?ll be good to mix with people again?
John takes on board what martin is saying but doesn?t respond
Martin
"But if that doesn?t float your boat John there is an organisation that will re-train you and it is a rewarding job "
John
"Go on?
Martin
"It?s a local charity organisation, you wouldn?t be working in the same place all the time and you?d get to help a lot of different service users?
John
"Service users? That?s a term they use in care, Jean used to work in a care home. That?s not for me Martin?
Martin
"It?s not care home work, no no, you?d be visiting people in their own home , war veterans that sort of thing, swapping stories , making tea , making sure they?re looked after "
John
"I?m not wiping arses Martin?
Martin
"It?s probably best not to look at it solely in terms of wiping arses?
John
"But I will be wiping arses??
Martin
"There is an arse wiping element yes, but look at the positives of the job, you get variety, you?d only be dealing with the person you?re assisting so no general public and you?d be helping the community and maybe making a few friends along the way "
John
"Yeah but some of these people in care need a lot of help, I?m not sure I?m up to it "
Martin
"These aren?t people with serious disabilities, they can look after themselves you?ll just be there for companionship?
John looks a little miffed at this suggestion
John
"Now I don?t know what you?re implying but I?m not doing that. I do have some self - respect?
Martin (confused)
"I know that, what do you think I?m implying??
John
"What you just said? "
Martin
"Companionship??
John
"Yeah. Now I know things have been a bit thin on the ground since Jean died but I?m not , you know, easy "
Martin
"Oh, good god no, that?s not what companionship means. You are just there for conversation and on occasions holding their hands "
John
"So they?ve got hands then? "
Martin
"Err, yeah most will have hands?
John
"So if they?ve got hands why do they need me to wipe their arses? "
Martin stares at John, not speaking, John says nothing
Martin
"Closing date for the super market job is next Tuesday, give me a call if you want to apply "
John gets up and goes to leave, as he does so he passes Jason , Martin?s boss, in the doorway
Jason
"Who?s Siobhan Doherty??
Martin looks blankly
Martin
"I don?t know, what time is she booked in for??
Martin glances at his pc terminal checking his diary of appointments for the day
Jason
"No I don?t think she?s a client Martin, she said she works for Street Action
Martin
"Oh yeah now it rings a bell, what does she want??
Jason
"You know her then??
Martin
"Well no not really, she came round to my flat to complain about something. She?s a total fruit loop?
Jason
"Well I don?t know what you said to her but she is gunning for you. She said you assaulted someone?
Martin
"What? She?s been into the office? You?ve spoken to her??
Jason
"No she left a very long message on our voicemail saying she wants to make a complaint. To be honest the message is a bit garbled in parts but it sounds like you met with her last night and assaulted or insulted someone "
Martin
"Well I did meet with her "
Jason
"So she?s telling the truth then??
Martin
"What? About the assaulting or insulting bit??
Jason
"Either "
Martin
"Well I don?t know what she?s implying but I certainly didn?t assault anyone but she may have got a little insulted "
Jason
"Why??
Martin
"Because I refused to play along with her charade "
Jason
"Which was??
Martin
"Look , I?m out having a jog last night and I get to the finishing point and I?m knackered , I?ve done about 4 or 5 miles or summit "
Jason
"Hmm, good effort "
Martin
"Thanks. Anyway I ?m knackered and I light up this cigar
