Yellow Snow

OPENING SCENE INT TV CALL IN QUIZ SHOW.
(CALLUM, PRESENTER MALE, ORANGED FACE, BLEACHED HAIR, HYPERACTIVE MANNER)
PRESENTER
? Good evening or should I say good morning my name is Callum or Cal Cal to you guy?s its 2.30am and your watching money spinner, matchsticks at the ready as I?m wide awake and here for the next 9 hours.?
PRESENER CALLUM STARTS TO TALK FASTER
PRESENTER
?I want, need and have to move on from this quiz and my boss is screaming into my ear and telling me to find a winner?,
PRESENTER CALLUM PUTS FINGER IN EAR AND NODS
PRESENTER
?So come on who?s looking for cash right now? This can and will be won by you yes you so pick up the phone and start to dial NOW! If you don?t know it already the number is 090909995566917993
NUMBER SCROLLS ACROSS THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN IN BOLD RED NUMBERS
PRESENTER
?Yes that?s 090909995566917993, easy, It?s only ?4.95 per minute and if I say so myself a snip of the jackpot price, and don?t worry our hold time is down to around 7 to 17 minutes now remember not to hang up, if for some reason you do have to rush off and hang up don?t panic we will always refund the money for your call all you have to do is write to us on lined A4 recycled paper in ink by hand using a quill to this address?
ADDRESS FLYS ACROSS THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN IN A BLINK OF AN EYE
MONEY SPINNER CONTINUED
PRESENTER
?Ok back to the quiz, I want, need and have to move on so....?
RING RING.
PRESENTER
?Hello its Cal Cal here you?re through to money spinner, who?s that??
MUFFLED NOISE
CALLUM PRESNTER TAPS THE PHONE, SMILES AT CAMERA
PRESENTER
?Hello my darling who?s that??
CALLER
?D? (phone crackles) ?E?
PRESENTER
?Diane??
CALLER
?DA?
PHONE CRACKLES, MORE BROKEN SPEACH AND MUFFLED NOISE.
CALLUM PRESENTER LOOKS DOWN THE MOUTH OF PHONE, SMILES AND FROWNS TO CAMERA
MONEY SPINNER CONTINUED
PRESENTER
?Dawn is that??
CALLER
SHOUTS ?For god?s sake DAVE!?
PRESENTER
?Hello Dawn, we will leave were your from lets crack on, what?s your guess my darling??
CUT TO TV SCREEN BEHIND
PRESENTER
?You have got anti-bacterial, anti-freeze, anti- and uncle and all we need is the last one from you Dawn so what is the next anti??
CALLER
?Is it anti-dazzle head lights??
PRESENTER
?Let?s have a peep shall we?
CUT TO CALLUM PRESENTER BITING NAILS
CUT BACK TO TV SCREEN
DRUM ROLL
MONEY SPINNER CONTINUED
BIG RED CROSS FLASHES ON TV SCREEN IMAGE FADES
PRESENTER
?Oh dear Dawn, let?s see what the answer was?
THE WORD ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM APPEARS ON TV SCREEN.
CUT TO CALLUM PRESENTER
CALLUM PRESENTER HAS SAD FACE AND SLOWLY SHAKES HIS HEAD
CALLER
?Bollocks?
CALLUM PRESENTER HANGS UP, SHRUGS SHOULDERS AND PERKS UP.
PRESENTER
? Ok time for a quick break here at money spinner, after the break its our roll over from this round and you know what?s next....... everyone?s favourite quiz It?s cash cow, due to Dawns bad luck it means your on for a jackpot total of.....?
CUT TO THERMOMETER STYLE JACKPOT MACHINE
DING DING DING
PRESENTER
?Wow ?9, keep dialling?
MONEY SPINNER CONTUINED
CUT TO CALLUM PRESENTER
FAKE TAN STARTING TO RUN FROM FOREHEAD
END SCENE
OPENING SCENE INT POLICE STATION
FRONT DESK, BOOKING IN. SERGEANT TYPING ON COMPUTER
CUT TO ENTRANCE OF POLICE STATION
ENTERS HOMELESS MAN (called dave) AND TWO ARRESTING OFFICERS
DAVE
?So she said to me no please don?t hurt me I have got kids?
ARRESTING OFFICERS
?Ha ha brilliant?
CUT BACK TO FRONT DESK
SERGEANT SMILES AND SHAKES HANDS WITH THE HOMELESS MAN AS HE ARRIVES AT THE FRONT DESK
SERGEANT
?Hello again, we missed you last week, was you on annual leave? Ha ha?
DAVE
?No no nothing like that I went a bit OTT with the old cut price cider and I fell asleep on a park bench, good old battery acid?
POLICE STATION CONTINUED
SERGEANT
?What for a whole week??
DAVE
?Who knows, doc said it was a coma, but hey I had a comfy bed for the week and a few bed baths so it?s not all doom and gloom?
SERGEANT AND ARRESTING OFFICERS LAUGH
DRUNKEN BURP FROM DAVE
CUT TO SERGEANTS FACE
SERGEANT FROWNS AND PAUSES FOR A SECOND
SERGEANT
?You?re looking different today?
DAVE
?The Hair??
CUT TO TOP OF DAVE?S HEAD
MATTED MESSY HAIR
CUT BACK TO SERGEANTS FACE
POLICE STATION CONTINUED
SERGEANT SCRATCHES CHIN
SERGEANT
?No the hairs fine, you look a tad shorter?
DAVE
?Oh yes, it the new shoe?s I had to get some new ones as  I weighed the last pair in, well swapped them for a new shopping trolley, and I mean new, cracking body new wheels the lot?
CUT TO DAVE?S FEET
DAVE HAS TWO CARDBOARD CUTTINGS AS SOLES AND A TIE WRAP ON EACH FOOT FOR SHOELACES
CUT BACK TO FRONT DESK
SERGEANT
?Snazzy!?
?Ok, now then lads what?s he in for this time??
CUT TO ARRESTING OFFICER 1
ARRESTING OFFICER 1
?Petty Theft?
CUT TO ARRESTING OFFICER 2
POLICE STATION CONTINUED
ARRESTING OFFICER 2
?GBH?
CUT TO ARRESTING OFFICER 1
ARRESTING OFFICER 1
?ABH?
CUT TO ARRESTING OFFICER 2
ARRESTING OFFICER 2
?Drunk and Disorderly?
CUT TO ARRESTING OFFICER 1
ARRESTING OFFICER 1
?Oh and possession?
CUT TO SERGEANT
SERGEANT
?Possession of what, Cannabis??
POLICE STATION COUNTINUED
CUT TO ARRESTING OFFICER 1
ARRESTING OFFICER 1
?No this?
ARRESTING OFFICER PULLS OUT A MACHETE
CUT TO DAVE?S FACE
DAVE PULLS AN OOPS, SORRY FACE
CUT TO SERGEANT
SERGEANT
?Wow she?s a beauty hey??
ARRESTING OFFICER 1 HANDS THE KNIFE OVER THE FRONT DESK TO THE SERGEANT
SERGEANT PULLS TISSUE FROM POCKET AND LOOKS AT THE KNIFE THEN LOOKS AT THE TRAMP WITH A SMILE.
SERGEANT
?I take it that?s not strawberry jam, hey, hey, you little rascal?
EVERYONE LAUGHS
POLICE STATION CONTINUED
DAVE PUT?S  HEAD DOWN AND SHIFTS FEET LIKE NAUGHTY CHILD
ARRESTING OFFICER 1 MESSES UP DAVE?S HAIR IN JEST
ARRESTING OFFICER 1
?You bugger?
CUT TO SERGEANT
SERGEANT WIPES BLOOD FROM MACHETE
SERGEANT
?Ill keep this behind here till later, (whispers) don?t worry you will get it back later?
SERGEANT WINKS
DAVE STICKS THUMB UP TO THE SERGEANT, WITH A BLOODY BANDAGE WRAPPED AROUND HIS HAND
CUT TO A SHOT OF ALL FOUR ACTORS
NOISE AND COMMOTION COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF ENTRANCE DOOR
EVERYBODY LOOKS OVER
POLICE STATION CONTINUED
SERGEANT
?Hey up lads this sounds like trouble?
CUT TO DAVE TAKING A SEAT
DAVE GETS COMFORTALE WITH A MUG OF COFFEE WITH HIS NAME ON THE MUG
CUT TO ARRESTING OFFICERS
ARRESTING OFFICER 1 AND 2 PULL COSH OUT AND EXTEND THEM AT THE SAME TIME
CUT TO DOOR
FRONT DOOR SMASHES OPEN
4 ARRESTING OFFICERS CARRY IN A YOUNG BUSINESS MAN IN LEG RESTRAINTS
ARRESTING OFFICER 3
(SHOUTS) ?Get back everyone we have got a real live wire here?
THE 4 ARRESTING OFFICERS THROW THE BUSINESS MAN INTO THE CELL AND HE SLIDES IN ON THIS STOMACH
ARRESTING OFFICER 3 SLOWLY UNCLIPS THE LEG BRACES AND PULLS OUT A CAN OF CS GAS
ARRESTING OFFICER 3 HOLDS THE CS SPRAY TO BUSINESS MAN FACE, LEFT HAND HOLDING CS SPRAY RIGHT HAND HOLDIND LEFT WRIST (VERY OVER THE TOP)
POLICE STATION CONTINUED
ARRESTING OFFICER 3
?Ok ok ok ok?
ARRESTING OFFICER PUFFING AND PANTING
ARRESTING OFFICER 3
?Ok ok, Calm, breathe, chill-ax, I?m going to put this away now sunshine ok??
CUT TO BUSINESS MANS FACE
BUSINESS MAN VERY CONFUSED
CUT TO SERGEANT
SERGEANT
?Let?s get that animal booked in, what?s he in for?
CUT TO ARRESTING OFFICER 3
ARRESTING OFFICER 3 PULLS HIMSELF TOGETHER WALKS OVER TO FRONT DESK AND JOINS SERGEANT
POLICE STATION CONTINUED
CAMERA TURNS TO THE LEFT OVER SHOULDER OF SERGEANT
TRAMP AND ARRESTING OFFICER 1 AND 2 ARE PLAYING ON AN XBOX 360
CUT TO FRONT DESK
ARRESTING OFFICER 3
?Bang To right?s this one, caught in the act...?
PAUSES
ARRESTING OFFICER 3 LOOKS OVER TO BUSINESS MAN
LEANS OVER THE DESK TO SERGEANT
SERGEANT LEANS CLOSER TO ARRESTING OFFICER 3
ARRESTING OFFICER
?Dirty bastard was sticking chewing gum on the back seat of the number 39?
SERGEANT
?Jesus...really?..I?m shocked mate, that?s usually a job for the community officers! You know the plastic pigs?
POLICE STATION CONTINUED
ARRESTING OFFICER 3
?That?s the one, well anyway we have had a plain clothes officer following him for about 6 months, tapped his line so we could track his next hit, even had round the clock surveillance, we got nothing...?
?Until now?
CUT TO SERGEANT
SERGEANT SALUTES ARRESTING OFFICER 3
SERGEANT
?Times like this make me proud of the red white and blue. When good men like yourself ignore the danger signs and put your job first.?
SERGEANT GRINDS TEETH AND LEANES OVER THE FRONT DESK AND SHOUTS
SERGEANT
?SO YOU LIKE TO CHEW DO YOU? WELL I HAVE SOME TRUNCHEON MEAT DOWN HERE FOR YOU TO SUCK ON LATER!?
SERGEANT GRABS HIS GROIN AREA
?YOUR GONNA FRY FOR WHAT YOU DID BOY?
POLICE STATION CONTINUED
SERGEANT
?One less scumbag psycho on the street, sleep easy Britain sleep easy?
CUT TO BUSINESS MAN
FRIGHTENED FACE ON BUSINESS MAN
CUT TO FRONT DESK
ARRESTING OFFICER 3 AND SERGEANT NODDING AND EVIL SMILES
END SCENE
OPENING SCENE INT LIVING ROOM
CAMERAN VIEW FROM INSIDE FISH TANK LOOKING OUT INTO THE LIVIVG ROOM
ENTER MALE INT LIVING ROOM
MALE WALKS OVER TO THE FIRE PLACE TO LOOK INTO THE MIRROR
MAN HAS STONE WASH JEANS, WHITE POINING TIP SHOES AND A RED AND BLUE SHIRT WITH HORIZONTAL AND VERTICAL PATTERN
FISH 1
?Here he is look div kid, looks like a tea bag?
(Both fish have a deep east end gangster voice)
MAN POSES IN THE MIRROR,FLICKING HAIR, LICKS TWO FINGERS AND RUNS FINGERS CROSS EYEBROWS
FISH 2
?You can?t polish a turd mate?
FISH 1
?HA HA HE HE?
FISH 2
?Look at the state of them shoes?
CAMERA MOVES DOWN TO SHOES
CAMERA MOVES WITH THE FISH
CAMERA MOVES BACK TO THE MIDDLE OF TANK
FISH TANK CONTINUED
FISH 1
?Shit flickers?
FISH 2
?Shin slitters?
FISH 1
?HA HA HE HE?
MAN WALK?S OVER TO THE SIDE TABLE PICKS UP WALLET PUTS JACKET ON SWITCH?S LIVIVNG ROOM LIGHT OFF AND LEAVES THE ROOM
FISH TANKLIGHT REMAINS ON
SILENCE FOR 10 SECONDS
FISH 2
?I could murder a kebab?
FISH 1
?Drink like a fish, murder a kebab, and then back home to batter the cod?
?HA HA HE HE?
(FRANK BUTCHER STYLE LAUGH)
END SCENE
OPENING SCENE INT MALE HAIR PIECE SHOP COUNTER
CRUDE LOOKING WOMAN, NO EXPRESSION ON FACE, STARRING INTO SPACE, BAD LONG GREASY HAIR,
SHOP ASSISTANT IS CALLED MAUD, FROM MANCHESTER
CAMERA STAYS ON HER FACE
SHOP DOOR OPENS, BELL ABOVE DOOR RINGS
CAMERA CUTS TO SHOP DOOR
MAN ENTERS, COLLAR UP, BLACK GLASSES ON, BASEBALL CAP ON
MAN TAKES OFF GLASSES AND WALKS TO THE FRONT COUNTER
CAMERA CUTS TO SHOP ASSISTANCE FACE
CAMERA PANS OUT
CAMERA SHOT OF WOMAN ON COUNTER WITH A SELECTION OF WIGS STUCK TO THE WALL
MAN ARRIVES AT THE COUNTER AFTER BROWSING AT WIGS STUCK TO THE WALLS
HE IS ACTING LIKE HE IS ABOUT TO PURCHASE A PORNO MAGAZINE
WIG WHAM CONTINUED
MAUD
?Hello welcome to wig wham how can I help??
(Maud focusing at one point on the wall behind man, no eye contact made, still no expression on face, voice stays at one tone)
CUT TO MAN
MAN
?Hi, I have a problem?
MAN SLOWLY SLIDES HAT OFF HEAD
CUT TO MAUD
MAUD?S EYE?S GLANCE AT THE MAN?S HEAD THEN HER EYE?S GO BACK TO THE SAME POINT ON THE WALL
MAUD
?What?
CUT TO MAN
MAN FROWNS AND SLAP HIS HEAD TWICE
MAN
?There is no grass on the pitch?
WIG WHAM CONTINUED
CUT TO MAUD
MAUD
?What colour?s dick hair??
CUT TO MANS FACE
MAN?S FACE IS BRIGHT RED
MAN
?I?m sorry??
CUT TO MAUD
MAUD?S EYES GLANCE TO MAN?S GROIN AREA AND LOOKS BACK AT THE WALL BEHIND HIM
CUT TO MAN
MAN
?Oh I see, well, erm, err, what have you got??
CUT TO MAUD
MAUD
?Grey, white, brown black or carrot!?
WIG WHAM CONTINUED
MAN
?Erm, well maybe........?
MAUD RIP?S A WIG OFF THE WALL (VELCROW SOUND) THEN SHE LICKS THE WIG AND SLAPS IT ON THE MANS HEAD.
CUT TO MAN
MAN HAS GINGER WIG HALF HANGING FROM HEAD
MAN TURNS AROUND WALKS TO EXIT WITH SHOULDERS AND HEAD DOWN
MAUD
?Thanks for visiting wig wham?
MAN TURNS HEAD AS HE IS ABOUT TO LEAVE THE SHOP
CUT TO MAUD
MAUD?S FACE NO EXPRESSION, MIDDLE FINGER STICKING UP AT MAN
END SCENE